fate first order derivative
by machiavelli
Summary: Eccentric nerd Tom Tomonaga lives down the street from Shirou Emiya. He's had a... *challenging* few days. Time loops, science, magic, and - oh, yeah - the end of the universe. Rated M for profanity.
1. I:1

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.1

* * *

 _INTRODUCTION_

 _This story generally follows the plot of the 2014_ Fate/stay night [Unlimited Blade Works] _anime. To be honest, though, my first introduction to the franchise wasn't through this or the original visual novel, but rather BlazingAzureCrow's fantastic_ Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works Abridged _series on YouTube (starring YamatoSFX and xbubblemunkyx of_ SAO Abridged _fame as Shirou and Sakura!), from which I intend to outright pillage as much characterization and jokes as possible. To the point that it's ambiguous in my mind whether or not this is a fanfic of the abridged series, the anime, the visual novel, or some strange blending of the three. Regardless, I highly recommend BurningAzureCrow's work to anyone reading this._

 _Rated Mature/16+ for frequent profanity. Reader discretion is advised._

* * *

 **⇒ be: tomasu tomonaga**

Wow, not a great start! My condolences. There's just two things you need to know about me:

1\. When I was three or four, I tried sticking a knife into an electrical outlet just to see how it worked. No idea how I survived. Got blown halfway across the room. I don't remember this myself, of course. I just heard it secondhand from my mom years after the fact. She said she had to rush in and stop me from trying it again.

2\. I'm a high schooler, it's Friday night, and I'm sitting in my room, trying to figure out how calculus works on my own. Not for a class. Oh, no. This is for _fun._ Kind of.

And that's it. That's me in a nutshell. Well, okay - that, and I've clearly spent enough time reading imageboard stories and playing old text adventure games that it's infected my inner monologue. But that's more of a side detail.

You sure you don't want to choose again? Wouldn't blame you. Clearly, mistakes have been made.

 **⇒ more background plz**

Fine, fine, if you insist. I'm sixteen, I live in Misaki Town outside Fuyuki, I'm in class 2B of Homurahara Academy, blah blah blah exposition exposition. Look, I'm boring. I know it, you know it. Don't ask me about me, ask me about something interesting.

 **⇒ so whatcha doing / why calculus**

There we go, was that so hard? I'm trying to figure out calculus because these notes I got from my uncle seem to be using it. Seems to be calculating some kind of acceleration or change in potential, I guess? He rarely bothered defining his variables. It's pretty annoying! By which I mean maddening!

 **⇒ talk about uncle**

Oh, Uncle Shin? My dad's older brother. He passed away about a year ago. I inherited a bunch of stuff from him - well, I say "inherited," but I really just grabbed it out of the trash after my mom threw it out. It's not like anyone else wanted it.

So Uncle Shin was a physicist and a tinkerer. Proudly called himself a "crackpot" - had a plaque on his wall and everything. (Saved that too. It's on my bookshelf, right between _Dune_ and my TARDIS cookie jar.) Taught courses at the local community college, but his big passion was in these weird sensors and transmitters he put together out of whatever junk he could find. Really crazy stuff. Couldn't even begin to describe the wiring on this board in front of me, for instance. He seems to have deliberately crossed wires two or three times. They're even soldered together...

Anyway, his big theory was that using these sensors of his, he could detect this spectrum that's completely unknown to modern physics. Not anything electromagnetic - some kind of dark energy that no one else has ever noticed. He said that it could _only_ be found in Fuyuki, though. For whatever reason, his sensors worked in this particular town and nowhere else.

So, anyway, yeah. That's my inheritance: a plaque, a bunch of dusty old machines, and a pile of handwritten notebooks I rescued from the incinerator. Still probably the most interesting thing in my life.

 **⇒ how did uncle shin die**

Cancer. Look, can we not? I don't like thinking about it.

 **⇒ so why are you looking at this now**

Because the notes say to. Okay, in more detail: this particular section I'm looking at seems to involve predicting some kind of... surge, I guess? At the end of it, there's a range of dates circled in red. Which includes this week.

So - in honor of Uncle Shin, I've set up the one sensor package I think I have all of and powered it up. Got the little scavenged radio dish sticking out of my window. Been waiting for three days now to see if any of the little lights come on. Once more sticking the knife into the electric socket that is the universe. This one's for you, Shin.

 **⇒ are you trying to get superpowers**

... maybe. Or - I don't know. Minovsky particles. Faster-than-light travel. Flying car. I'd settle for a hoverboard, okay? It's a basic rule of science fiction: _never_ ignore the crackpot inventor. Even if he can't reproduce his results. And a bunch of his notes are mixed in with porn.

 **⇒ porn?**

Yeah, of course you'd ask about that. I'm... just gonna say it. For lack of better words... Uncle Shin was gay. He was really, _extremely_ gay. And he had an active imagination, so I just have to grit my teeth and try to skip those parts and sometimes there's these little, um, _diagrams_ and...

 **⇒ ok never mind**

There's a reason I haven't been working too hard on decoding the cyphered parts, you know?

 **⇒ are you gay?**

I don't... think so? I mean, my crushes - well, mainly crush singular - have all been girls. But I guess I can't count it out and you know what can we really change the subject now please? I'd like that very much thanks.

 **⇒ ok**

Look, I'm a nerd, okay? I have accepted that about myself. Sex and sexuality in general, girls, dating - that ain't my comfort zone, you know? That is in fact the exact opposite of my comfort zone. At least outside of my browser history. (Which is clean. Always. Hey, I live in a house with two parents and a sister. I _know_ how to cover myself, aight? Aight.)

... Huh. That's weird.

 **⇒ what is**  
 **⇒ is it the machine**

No, it's one of the houses way down the street. I think a firework just went off in the back yard or something? ... is that Shirou's place?

 **⇒ describe shirou**

Shirou Emiya? I don't really know him that well. We're in the same year but in separate classes. This one time back in middle school, he stopped these other two kids from beating me up. Always kind of felt like I owe him for that...

 **⇒ he lives down the street and you don't know him**

Do I sound like the type who gets out much? His house is pretty big. I guess his dad was rich or something, but he passed away a long time ago. Mom once told me the head of the local Yakuza keeps an eye on him - which sounds kind of metal, up until you realize all they really do around here is run mahjong parlors and telemarketing scams.

Okay, now I can hear a bunch of shouting. Some different voices. Something about... a bowl? Then a big flash of red light. Maybe he just has a DVD on really loud or something?...

 **⇒ probably none of your business**

Yeah, I guess...

Oh. Oh wow. Machine. Machine is weird now.

 **⇒ describe machine**

Other than the little radar dish, this one is about the size of... I don't know, an answering machine or a small cable box? It's not that big. That's why I took it. Half of it's a bunch of homemade circuit boards and the other's... well. He seems to have wired in a bunch of crystals of some sort? Plus there's the dry cell battery I have it hooked up to and a power switch and the lights, which are supposed to tell you what kind of energy is being picked up...

Okay, okay. I've seen a chart for this. I push my glasses back and flip through the old notebooks. Here it is... so that's one blue, three red, two green... No, wait. Other side around - two green, three red, one blue. Which means...

... "Z-energy"? The hell is "Z-energy"?

Have I seen that somewhere - anywhere - before? Can't remember. Hold on. Let me check the other notebook -

ZZRRRP

* * *

...

...

... ow.

 **⇒ what happened**

I... my hand... might've... might have just brushed one of the machine's wires. I think. Fell on the floor, chair and all...

 **⇒ are you okay**

I think... back hurts... heart rate's up... head feels terrible... you know, when I said that thing about knifing the socket again, I didn't mean _literally_...

... bed sounds nice now I think. Yeah. Bed. Woo.

 **⇒ wait that is actually a super terrible idea**

Yes yes yes I know don't worry. I'll go call for mom and go to the hospital in a second. Just gonna rest my eyes for a bit and then...

...

* * *

 **⇒ skip to next morning**

... Okay. Not dead. Feeling better. That's good. Liking that. Try and keep that up, me.

 **⇒ get up**

Limbs working. Legs. Hands. Fingers. Yes. No sign of any burns. All lights green. I guess I got away with it again?

 **⇒ do you have superpowers now**

Let's check. Shirt off, look in the mirror - okay, defs not instantly jacked like Tony Macguire. Arms still noodly. Gut still... noticeable. (Don't get me wrong. I'm not fat. I wouldn't even say I'm pudgy, exactly. I'm just... there's _some_ pudge, okay? Around the midsection. Pudge is a known issue here.)

Try clearing my mind and focusing my will. No sign of telekinesis. Or flight. Or laser eyes.

 **⇒ can you do the kamehameha wave**

"Z-energy"... worth a shot. All right. Do the thing with the hands... focus my will... ka... may... ha...

...

Yeah, no. Not happening. Moving on.

 **⇒ check the machine**

Ooh, good thought. Huh, okay. The lights are all out now. They're set up in a three-by-five grid, by the way, with each row a different color. No sign of green or red lights. Occasionally, the first blue light flickers. It does that sometimes. Don't know if that's just background radiation or one of those crossed wires or what.

 **⇒ look at clock**

Ulp. Enough of this. Better get ready for school.

 **⇒ but it's saturday**

Ha! Where do you think we are? This is _Japan,_ son! We in school _every_ \- _single_ \- _day_ of the motherfucking _week!_ That's right. Free time is for the _weak!_ We eat our tears for _breakfast,_ you feel me? Ha HA!...

... but yeah no seriously it sucks super big-time hardcore. Even if Saturdays are technically just for clubs - but it's not like those aren't pretty much mandatory anyway. (My parents think I'm lazy 'cause I'm only in two.) Most schools in the country at least get Saturdays off and then have clubs on Sundays. But _no,_ we can't have that _here..._ Society would crumble! Chaos would reign! Won't someone think of the children!

... no, really, I mean it. Think of us. Please.

 **⇒ you gonna ask shirou what all that noise last night was about**

You kidding? Remember what I said about girls and sex and how that wasn't in my wheelhouse? How about we just put _people_ outside my wheelhouse. Conversations. The whole human race in general, really. How's that sound?

 **⇒ kind of sad tbh**

Yeah, okay, let's rein in the emo a bit here. Main thing is, you were right before. It's his house. It's none of my business. Emiya doesn't owe me anything, you know?

 **⇒ fair**

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward one day**

And now it's Economics class. Bleh. Needs more math and less despair.

 **⇒ so how did yesterday go**

Fine. Same as usual. Robotics Club first, then Tabletop Gaming. Robotics was okay-ish - I dunno, there've been all these weird _politics_ this year. Something about jockeying for Club President. I've mostly just used it as an excuse to mess around in the lab by myself while people argue. As for Gaming, our usual DM's out of town this week, which means it falls to Other Ichigo instead. He's... okay. He's just one of those gamemasters who thinks it's his job to kill the players however he can. Anyway, we got ambushed by goblins in a dungeon and then got slaughtered by the traps.

 **⇒ i don't know what that last part means**

Then you're normal. Forget I said anything.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward a few hours**

Well, I guess the gods of education heard at least part of my complaint. Looks like school's getting called off early today. Not sure why, but hey, I ain't gonna question it.

Got my stuff packed up. Headin' home. Step out of the classroom door...

... step back _in_ the classroom door...

 **⇒ why**

So, um. Rin Tohsaka is coming up the hall. Storming, actually, might be more accurate. It looks like she's angry about something.

 **⇒ so what**

Well, ah... remember back when I mentioned _crush singular?_

 **⇒ ah**

Look, it's dumb. I know it's dumb. I don't even know her. Like, at all. And everyone has a crush on Rin, anyway. Including some of the girls, I think. She's just, well, hot and smart and cute when she's mad - which is often. And she's got all this _fight_ and _drive_ and stuff. And her boobs are kinda -

 **⇒ yeah think i get the picture thanks**

So anyway, I can't help but get all sweaty and nervous when she's around, in spite of myself. Honestly just keep hoping I'll just grow out of this and move on at some point. But it's been like this for two or three years now, so no luck yet.

 **⇒ that long huh**

What can I say. My subconscious is a persistent motherfucker. Especially when it comes to goading me with the clearly unobtainable.

Anyway, so I stop and pretend to clean my glasses on my jacket. She stomps by me without a second glance. Did I look weird? I bet I looked weird. Shit.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward one day**

So here's something interesting I just heard about today. You know the old Foreigners Cemetery? Apparently there was some kind of gas leak early Saturday morning. Whole place got blowed up _real_ good. I saw pictures online. We're talking about nothing left but a freaking _crater._ I'm sure they'll fix it up good as new though ha ha no they're totally gonna build some apartments there as soon as they finish clearing out the corpse bits. Bet you anything.

Anyway. I'm bored. And the Brat's home tonight. That makes it a real good time for me not to be.

 **⇒ the brat?**

Teruko. My little sister. We... don't get along. At all.

 **⇒ explain**

Eh, it's pretty simple. She's the popular one, I'm not. You'd think that of the two of us, _I'd_ be the frustrated one. But no. Point is, she's loud, she's obnoxious, and I can just tell she'll find some way to pick a fight tonight if I stick around. So walk? Walk sounds good.

 **⇒ so no onee-chan fetish huh**

Blech. You just _know_ all that shit's coming from a bunch of lonely virgin only-child edgelords online somewhere. Nothing against lonely virgins online, mind you - hi, pot! I'm kettle! - but let's face it, some of us wear it better than others.

 **⇒ also - teruko?**  
 **⇒ so teruko tomonaga**

Yeah, our parents are big fans of alliteration. Can you tell?

 **⇒ walk past emiya's house**

Sure, why not. Looks like all the lights are off. Guess he decided to call it an early night? - No, hold on a second. Looks like that's him down the block.

 **⇒ where is he headed**

Dunno. Different direction than me, looks like. Works for me. I hate running into people unexpectedly. It's awkward, you know? Or worse yet, when we're heading in the same direction so it feels like I'm following or stalking them or something, but I'm _not,_ and I'm wondering do I say something even if I don't really want to talk to them or...

 **⇒ ok ok i get it**  
 **⇒ so where are we going**

For my part, I wander down to the shopping district. It's way too late for Lain's - they close early on Mondays - but I get a solid half-hour in at Sofmap, then I drop by the hardware store. Those places are my porn.

 **⇒ i thought porn was your porn**

Well, yeah, but... I mean - it's an engineer thing, okay? Or future engineer. I can just spend hours staring at stuff, thinking about the projects I could do with it. Not just electronics, but light bulbs, garden tools, pretty much anything. (Except plumbing. Fuck that, man. That shit is witchcraft.) Not like I don't have a metric ton of stuff I haven't used / projects I haven't gotten around to yet back home, of course, but...

 **⇒ so you want to be an engineer**

I guess, yeah? I mean, I like building stuff. And science, obviously. So why not go with that? Can't really see myself as much of a theorist, though. I prefer -

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 2, day 1, early night**

GAH.

... ow.

... what. Just. _What._

 **⇒ what's going on**

I'm... suddenly in my room again. Lying on the floor. Wearing... different clothes, or old clothes, I guess? Head hurts. Get up off the ground. There's Uncle Shin's machine. The notebooks on my desk. My little speaking clock...

 **⇒ look at clock**

... no way. NO WAY.

I go to check my cellphone. But it's not in my pocket like it was five minutes ago - it's recharging by the door. Pick it up, flip it open - holy shit.

It's last Friday. The date says it's last Friday. Check the settings - yeah, the phone's getting the time direct from the cell tower. Holy _fuck._

 **⇒ which means**

Could I have just dreamed or hallucinated the last three days? Possible, I guess. But that doesn't feel right - my dreams generally aren't that detailed. And I can remember everything, nothing seems to be fading. Which means...

... time travel. Holy goddamn shit, _time travel._ Ha. Ha ha ha _HA!_

 **⇒ which is a big deal yeah**

Are you _kidding?!_ It's _massive!_ I mean, I don't even know where to start. Let's go with... faster-than-light travel. This could be the secret to FTL. If you bend time, you bend space. That's Einstein for you. And that's just off the top of my head!

Uncle Shin invented a time machine. Holy _shit._ Holy _shit!_

But okay, calm down. This is science. Be a scientist about this. One-time weirdness - no matter how awesome - doesn't count. You have to be able to repeat it. So let's wait a few days. See if the same thing happens.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 3, day 1, early night**

Holy shit holy shit it works _IT WORKS!_ And everything over the last few days was _exactly_ the way I remembered! Same lessons at school, same goblin fight at gaming, same news, same _everything._ This is _amazing._

 **⇒ what are the rules here**

Okay, science hat on: the time loop effect appears to last approximately three days, from Friday night right after I got shocked by the detector until Monday at around the same time. (I'll have to get a more exact measure of the end point.) Also, I don't seem to be _physically_ traveling back in time - just _mentally._ I drew something in magic marker on the back of my hand before I reset just now. There's no sign of it at present.

 **⇒ so quantum leap not timecop**

Right. Information-only time travel. Still opens up the possibility of FTL communication, at least. Not too shabby.

Okay, one more time around. Let's see if I'll jump back if I'm in a different location other than in town.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 4, day 1, early night**

Alocality (is that a word?) of restart effect confirmed. This time, I deliberately trekked all the way into the city. Still wound up traveling back to Friday. The loop resets at 10:08 PM on Monday night, giving it a total length of - wait for it - seventy-three hours and thirty-seven minutes. (Ooh, symmetrical numbers. _Noice._ )

Okay, let's try exiting the effect now. The device doesn't really have an "off switch" per se, so I'll just disconnect it from the dry cell battery.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 5, day 1, early night**

Okay, that didn't work. Let's try disconnecting those crystal things. Maybe it's getting power from those somehow.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 6, day 1, early night**

Okay. Let's take some pictures and carefully dismantle the machine into its component parts...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 7, day 1, early night**

Okay, you know what, let's try _burning_ it. Let's give that a whirl.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward three days**  
 **⇒ restart: iteration 8, day 1, early night**

... shit.

 **⇒ seems like it's not the machine then**

Gee, you think? Looks like I'm stuck in a self-perpetuating Murray loop.

 **⇒ murray loop?**

As in Bill Murray. As in the movie _Groundhog's Day._ You have to remember that. We saw it on the flight to Hawaii?

 **⇒ asshole weatherman gets stuck repeating the same day over and over again**

That's the one. I guess I should probably be naming the loop after the film's director or the writer or whoever. But I have no idea who those people are.

 **⇒ you and hollywood both**  
 **⇒ so how does that movie end**

Um. He finally has one perfect day and sleeps with the hot producer lady. That breaks the loop.

 **⇒ who knew the spacetime continuum was so big on personal growth**

Right? I guess the idea there is that there's some kind of deity or supernatural power or something in the background that curses the guy to make him learn a lesson. What the hell am I supposed to learn, then? I thought I was doing okay at the whole don't-be-an-offensive-asshole thing.

... am I supposed to seduce _Rin_ to get out of this? That's... um. A thought. A terrifying, hilariously unlikely thought.

 **⇒ maybe table that one for now**

Yeah, let's do that.

 **⇒ so what does that leave**

I guess my only real clue is Uncle Shin's notebooks. Maybe there's some kind of documentation or a secret hint or something in there.

 **⇒ you said something about cyphers**

Yeah. There's these big chunks of nonsense text throughout the notes that look like they're encrypted. Guess Shin felt paranoid about someone stealing his discoveries or something? Seems I'll have to try and break his code. Not to mention, I should probably reread everything that _isn't_ encrypted super-carefully.

 **⇒ including the porn?**

 _(sigh)_ Yes, including the porn. Even... _bluh_... the donkey story...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 8, day 3**

Tried telling family about the situation. It didn't help.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 8, day 4, early night**

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAGHBYTIVSE.

 **⇒ not going well huh**

No! No, it is not! There wasn't anything anywhere, so now I'm trying to crack the encrypted sections and it's _Just. Not. Working._

 **⇒ what about the porn**

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE PORN IT'S JUST PORN. And now it's in my _brain_ and it was all for _nothing_ and blaaaargh!

 **⇒ did you look online**

Of course I looked online! I learned about frequency analysis and brute force techniques and all of that. I even asked for help in a few forums. Nothing! All people could tell me is that it doesn't look like a simple substitution or Vigenère cipher, whatever that means. And to make matters worse, I'm gonna lose all my work just as soon as -

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 9, day 1, early night**

AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHPH!

 **⇒ chill dude**

HOW am I supposed to CHILL?! I'm dealing with this completely unknown phenomenon with NO CLUES. I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to frigging do! WORST. GROUNDHOG'S DAY. SEQUEL. EVER.

 **⇒ look out window**

I'll compromise and put my head against it to try and cool it down. This is _insane._ It makes absolutely no sense. It's like I'm stuck in some game without a cheat code or a walkthrough or a hint system or anything, and I can't even turn off the computer and walk away. And why _me?_ Is this just one of those cautionary "punish the scientist for playing in the domain of the gods" scenarios? Am I just supposed to stay like this until I go completely crazy?! Or -

... huh. Is that woman blonde?

... did that blonde woman just jump over a building?

* * *

 _Like what you just read? Consider sending me a tip via (patrick minus ick plus eon) dot com slash philopoemen._


	2. I:2

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.2

 **⇒ continue: iteration 9, day 1, early night**  
 **⇒ run out the back door**

On it! Grab my coat, jump the back railing - don't quite make it, graze my leg, ouch - then run up the back alley. I stop short when I see Emiya running around the corner of his house in the same direction.

 **⇒ take cover**

I jump behind a nearby lamp post and peer past him. At the very end of the alleyway, there's that blonde woman. She's dressed in some kind of... armored blue dress? She's fighting this guy wearing a red longcoat. And beyond them - shit, is that _Rin?!_

 **⇒ keep your distance**

Anyway, Shirou shouts something. The woman in blue stops attacking and shouts something back. (Another weird thing - the way she was fighting, it seemed like she had some kind of weapon, but I can't actually see anything in her hands? Like she's a... mime or something, I guess?)

 **⇒ or a force wielder**

You can use the Force like that? Well, guess there's no reason you couldn't... anyway, looks like everyone's heading into Emiya's house. Except for the red dude, who just straight-up fucking _vanishes_ into thin air! How the shit does that work?! Some kind of active camouflage? Military-grade tech?

 **⇒ keep an eye on things**

I run back to the house long enough to grab my dad's binoculars. (Dammit, _why_ couldn't he have gotten the night vision model like I suggested?) About an hour passes before the lights in Emiya's house turn off. He, Rin, and the blonde woman - wearing this big yellow poncho over her armor - go out into the street.

* * *

 **⇒ stay on them**

They walk across the whole dang city to the church on the hill. Never been there before myself, just seen it at a distance. Shirou and Rin go inside. The blonde woman stays out by the front gate. I sneak around the side and hide in some trees across the road from the cemetery.

 **⇒ is that a good idea**

I don't know! I'm just playing it by ear here. Anyway, they're in there for about a half hour. Shirou and Rin come out. They talk to the blonde for a moment, then they start walking down the street towards me.

 **⇒ keep very still**

No doy! I try my best not to breathe as they pass by me. They stop again a little further down the hill. Still can't quite hear what they're saying... that red jacket guy appears out of nowhere behind Rin. I guess he's just been hanging around this whole time?

The fog suddenly picks up. Red guy starts shouting and vanishes again.

 **⇒ look up the street**

Okay, item one: there's this tiny little white girl in a purple dress standing in the fog. And I mean _white_ \- we're talking, like, Rei-Ayanami-style albino. And next to her is this guy who - well. He's the Incredible fucking Hulk. That's what it comes down to. Gunmetal gray skin. Has to be around three meters tall. Just packed with muscle, like some kind of steroid nightmare. Long hair. Wears nothing except this sort of iron miniskirt.

 **⇒ ... miniskirt?**

Kilt. Kilt's a better word for it. I should've said kilt. Armored kilt, in fact. Covered with iron plates.

And now the little girl's talking... Rin is saying something... okay, what the hell is up with this. I'm sitting _in between_ them / closer to both of them than they are to each other, and yet I still can't hear what they're saying. But they just seem to be talking to each other normally. Something's going on here.

 **⇒ poor audio editing strikes again**

Ha, ha. Seriously, though... maybe some kind of directed white noise generator? Is that even possible? How would that even... oh hooooollly shit.

 **⇒ what**

They're fighting now. Blondie and the Hulk. They are - _shit!_ There's fucking _explosions_ , and - oh god oh _shit_ oh god!

 **⇒ keep cool man keep cool**

They're _behind_ me now, in the park down the slope. I just stay and cringe where I am crouched down within this little mini-copse formed by three trees. They're moving so fast I almost can't keep track. Every blow feels like a damn _bomb_ going off. Macho Man is wielding this gigantic fuckoff stone club thing. Blondie seems to be keeping up with him somehow. Blocking him with... okay, that has to be a sword of some kind, right? The way she's holding it, I can't see it being an axe or whatever. It's probably a Western-style sword, too. Her grip seems wrong for a katana or an odachi.

 **⇒ look at you pretending like you know stuff**

Right? Okay - she's leading him back up the slope, across the street into the cemetery. I raise the binoculars again. All I can see is motion blurs, though, as she dodges and weaves through the tombstones. Captain Caveman chases after her, knocking graves out of the way like they're nothing -

That's when I hear this kind of whistling sound. I look up to see something big and heavy hurling through the air straight towards me - before I can react, I hear the trees splinter like twigs and -

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 10, day 1, early night**

... fuck. Did I... did I just _die?_

In my room flat on my back again. I think I did. I just... holy shit. I guess that proves it. A game over just resets the loop again. Death is no escape. That's... both kind of comforting and completely horrifying at the same time.

 **⇒ at least you're not dead dead tho**

I guess. Just... wow. _Fuck._

 **⇒ are you gonna go back**

Yeah, yeah, just give me a second to process, okay? Fucking hell...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

So this time, I go to the church ahead of them and pick out a vantage point further up the hill from the cemetery. Unfortunately, my choice sucks. I can't see shit over the tree line, even with the binoculars. I can hear the battle when it starts, though. Maybe it's not a bad thing keeping my distance from that shitstorm, all things considered...

Okay, they're in the graveyard now... some other noise coming from the woods behind me somewhere... okay, now what's that? Some kind of blue light overhead. Like a comet or a -

SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!

 **⇒ what**

SOMEONE JUST NUKED THE GRAVEYARD. A FUCKING NUKE. IN JAPAN. HOLY SHITTING FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT!

Oh god... I'm not inside the blast radius. Must be a tactical or pocket nuke or something. I was looking right at it - fuck, I'm amazed my eyes weren't burned right out of their sockets. And the radiation... I don't even want to think about it right now...

Blast is clearing up... all that's left of the graveyard is a familiar-looking crater. _That's_ what happened to the cemetery?! What the fuck are these people?!

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 10, day 3, afternoon**

So I'm not dead of radiation poisoning. That's the good news. No sign of above-background levels on me or my clothes at all - I checked myself over with my Geiger counter when I got back. So maybe that was some kind of thermobaric bomb or fuel-air explosive, I guess? I didn't smell any gasoline...

 **⇒ you have a geiger counter**

Came across a cheap one on eBay and got curious. Anyway, skipped clubs yesterday and staked out Emiya's place from my room. Saw him and the blonde woman leave at one point, so they obviously survived the explosion too.

So what does this add up to? Emiya and Rin, running around with these... mutant genetic supersoldiers? Why? How? Where did they even come from?

 **⇒ you could just try asking them you know**

Ha! You're funny.

 **⇒ so what now**

It's after school. I'm waiting for Rin to go stomping by the classroom door. This time, I'm gonna follow her.

 **⇒ taking up your stalking game to a whole new level huh**

Shut up. It's not like that. This is my one lead, okay?

Right. Here she comes. I wait behind the door until she stomps by, count to three, and follow.

I manage to stay out of sight as she sweeps the third floor and checks the roof. Seems like she's looking for someone. The school empties out in the meantime.

She finally stops short on the landing on the staircase down to the second floor. I can hear her talking to someone. Well, more like yelling.

 **⇒ what's she saying**

Yeah, see, there is _definitely_ something going on with the sound here. I am right down the dang hall from them, but it's like my ears are full of gauze or something. I can't make out any of the words. I can pick up on tone - I can tell that Rin is pissed, for instance. I can even recognize Emiya's voice nervously talking back to her from further down the stairwell. But none of the actual content registers.

Then I hear this distinct _pew_ noise.

 **⇒ pew noise**

I don't know how else to describe it. It's also kind of a _zap_ , kind of a _blam_... a sorta sci-fi lasery sound, you know?

Anyway, I hear Shirou yell something. Rin takes off running down the stairs.

 **⇒ weren't they working together before**

I guess? Maybe something changed? I rush down the hall and peek down the stairwell. And there's Rin standing below, her finger pointed down the hall, these glowing teal lines running down her arm. Three more _pew_ sounds. Three black bolts rocket out of her hand down the hall.

What.

Naturally, that's right about when she looks up and sees me, her eyes narrowed.

 **⇒ think fast**

I... can't. I totally freeze up. Like a rabbit stuck in the headlights.

She makes an annoyed grunt and raises her free hand in my direction. " _Etwas,_ " she says, making this odd wavey gesture in the air. " _Rückwärts_ -"

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 11, day 1, early night**

Wait. I'm - back in my room? What just...

... did Rin just kill me?

What the hell is going on?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

So I get out my bike - haven't used it in so long I have to pump up the tires first - and get over to the church while they're still talking at Emiya's place. That gives me time to find the perfect vantage point up the hill. Full view of the church, the road, and the graveyard. Just gotta wait for them to show up.

Unfortunately, that gives me plenty of time to stew over what I just saw. I mean - directed energy weapons? Does Rin have some kind of a cyberarm? Is she a robot? Or an alien? Are they _all_ aliens?!

Bluh. Too many questions, not enough data. HURRY UP AND MAKE SENSE AGAIN, UNIVERSE.

 **⇒ kinda doubt it's that easy**

I get that, yeah.

 **⇒ so listen**  
 **⇒ while we have a moment here**  
 **⇒ people have been asking about you**

Huh? What people?

 **⇒ just people**  
 **⇒ they want to know what your deal is**

... I'm... what?

 **⇒ why do you talk to another voice in your head**

... this is me. This is the way I think. What are you looking for here?

 **⇒ so what am i supposed to be**

You? You're... well, you're the prompt. Like in a text adventure game? The place where the player types in, like, "GO SOUTH" or "EXAMINE MAILBOX" or whatever?

 **⇒ but it's not like i control you**

True. I guess it's more about the interactive component?

 **⇒ what does that mean though**

I dunno. You're my subconscious? My internal observer? The imaginary friend I made up to talk to because I'm sad and lonely? - Fuck it, look. I'm really not in the mood for navel-gazing right now. This is just a thing I do, all right? Why are we even talking about this? You're literally _me._ You know all this already.

 **⇒ you get that this isn't normal though right**

Says the one talking about nonexistent "people."

 **⇒ eh**  
 **⇒ touché i guess**

What, do you and the other figments of my imagination have a book club or something? - Anyway, shush. Here they come.

The blonde stays outside the front gate. I watch through the binoculars as Rin leads Shirou into the church. (Should I feel jealous about that? I think I might feel jealous about that. No, shut up. Focus.)

"Hey, kid," someone behind me says.

 **⇒ welp**

I slowly turn around. The guy in the red jacket is standing there, his arms folded. Brown skin. White hair that sticks straight up. Some kind of lightweight composite armor beneath his coat. Give him a giant sword or a gunblade and he'd be a Final Fantasy character made flesh. "You suck at hiding," he says gruffly.

"... sorry?" I squeak.

"So how much did you see?" He sounds bored.

"See?" I weakly try to hide the binoculars behind my back. "Why would I see? I mean, what would I. What's there to -"

He sighs. "Yeah, I'm just gonna assume that means _everything._ This is what I get for putting things off. Should've just taken care of you back at the house..."

"The... house?" He spotted me back at Emiya's place? But - how? I'd barely even glanced that way when I rode past on my bike...

"The house," he agrees. "You're out of your league, kid. Just forget about it. In fact - let's make sure you do."

He reaches out and flicks me on the forehead with a single finger. My ears pop. Everything goes black.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _In case anyone has trouble keeping up as the narrative jumps around in time, here's a brief outline of the time loop as it currently stands:_

 _\- Day 1 / Friday: loop begins at night._  
 _\- Day 2 / Saturday: school clubs meet._  
 _\- Day 3 / Sunday: school day._  
 _\- Day 4 / Monday: school day. Loop resets late at night._

 _For those familiar with the visual novel, this corresponds to Days 3 through 6 of the game's timeline._


	3. I:3

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.3

 **⇒ restart: iteration 12, day 1, early night**

Oh, that is _it._

I march downstairs and out the door. I go around to the back alley and down the block. Sure enough, there's Rin and the red guy, fighting the blonde swordwoman. Shirou stands in the alley, yelling at them to stop.

I walk out from behind the corner. "Hey!"

They all turn towards me.

I throw out my arms. "What the hell is -"

"I've got it." Rin points at me. " _Etwas._ _Rückwärts_ -"

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 13, day 1, early night**

I wait fifteen minutes, then I go and bang on Emiya's front door.

He answers. "Uh, yeah?"

"Hi," I say curtly. "Emiya. I live down the street."

"Oh, right. Tomo... nagi?"

"Tomonaga. Okay. I'm just going to come out and say it. What the _fuck_ is going on?!"

He blinks. "What do you..."

"I know I've got no way to prove this, but I've been stuck in this time loop for days now."

"A what?"

"Time loop. Like, I've been repeating the same three days over and over again. Like _Groundhog's Day._ Have you ever seen _Groundhog's Day?_ "

"Um, no. Sorry."

"You should. Bill Murray. Very funny. Anyway - it's been like this for me for over _three weeks_ now. And it all starts with whatever just happened in your backyard."

"Oh," he says.

"So I need to know _exactly_ what the hell just happened. Who that blonde with the sword is. How she can leap freaking _buildings._ What Tohsaka is doing here. And -"

I look up to see something hurdling towards me.

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 14, day 1, early night**

"- and _NO!_ No!" I point up at the guy in the red jacket standing on Shirou's roof. "I see you! Fuck you! That _hurts!_ " He pauses, a throwing knife in his hands. I turn back to Emiya. "And why is there a guy with knives on your roof?! And why does Rin keep killing me with _German!_ Also, y'know... how."

He looks at me, then slowly slides open the door. "... you... want to come in?"

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I take in a deep breath and let it out. "Magic."

"Yep," Rin says.

I'm sitting at Shirou's kitchen table next to him and the blonde swordwoman, with Rin on the other side of us. Somewhere, I can hear a faucet dripping. "As in," I say, "actual, _real,_ Harry Potter, I-cast-a-spell-at-the-darkness magic. Which is a thing."

"Yeah," Shirou says quietly.

" _Something_ like that, yes." Rin grits her teeth. I think I hit a nerve. She's... very different in person than I would have imagined. She looks at Shirou. "You _do_ realize that, under mage law, we should be getting rid of him, right?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, but..."

"You've tried," I say flatly. "A lot. You ever seen _Groundhog's Day?_ All killing me does is reset -"

"I _know_ what a time loop is, thanks." She tosses her hair. "And don't be stupid. I wouldn't kill you. I'd just erase your memory and leave you in a ditch somewhere."

I'm not quite sure how to respond. "That's... good to know?"

"Isn't it? Anyway, as I was _saying_ \- this week also marks the start of a competition here in Fuyuki. A battle to the death between seven Masters and seven Servants for the Holy Grail. Each Master is a mage, well-trained or -" She shoots a look at Shirou. "- _otherwise_ , who summons the spirit of a legendary hero as their familiar. The woman over there is Saber, aka Baeber. Who is... _for the moment_... Shirou's Servant."

"I'm not actually called that second thing," Saber mutters.

I blink. "So... is that spelled B-A-E or B-A-B -"

" _Yes._ And up on the rooftop, we have my -" Her eyebrow twitches. "- Archer, Not Actually Satan."

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT, RIN!" a voice yells from above us.

"YOU GOT SOMETHING BETTER, LET ME KNOW!" Rin shouts back. She looks back to us. "He says he can't remember his real name."

"So... what's the point of all this?" Shirou asks. "Do we get something if we win, or... ?"

She shifts her eyes. "Nothing. Just the cup."

"So... what? It's like... the Wizard Murder Grand Prix?" I ask.

She shrugs. "I prefer Murder-Death-Kill, personally. But that's not bad."

Was that a reference? I feel like that might have been a reference. In any case, I look over at Saber. "And you guys are actually okay with this?"

"Technically," Saber answers, "we are all just the incarnations of Heroic Spirits, held eternally within the collective memory of humanity outside of space and time. When we are killed here, we simply return to the Akashic Records from whence we were summoned. As such, we _cannot_ really die."

I took away what little I could from that. "So... you're ghosts?"

"Not exactly. We can interact with the physical world the same way humans do. Still, that's not entirely inaccurate."

Rin groans and puts her head down on the table. "God. Two complete noobs in the same night. I don't deserve this..." She raises her head. "Okay, to hell with it. A mess like this should be Kotomine's problem."

* * *

 **⇒ go to church**

"Hmm." Father Kirei Kotomine strokes his chin. "Interesting. An issue like this has never come up before in the Grail's recorded history."

"You don't say," I reply. In the last few minutes, we'd been informed that the Murder-Death-Kill was in fact officially known as the Fifth Holy Grail War (though Rin refuses to call it that); that Rin had unaccountably failed to mention that the winning Master-Servant pair actually got a magical wish each, not just a trophy; and that this priest was strangely fascinated with the spelling of Shirou's last name. None of which really had anything to do with me, of course.

"You understand, of course," Father Kotomine says, "that under normal circumstances I would be required to alter your memories. The secrecy of the Grail ritual is considered an absolute priority."

"Yeah, I wouldn't bother." On the way over, I'd asked Rin what her memory altering spell sounded like. Sure enough, it was the same German words I'd heard before. So I guess memory wipes trigger the reset too, for some reason. Or they kill me outright somehow, a thing that Rin had assured me is impossible. Probably. "It'd just send me back to the start of the night, and then we'd have to have this conversation all over again."

"Hmm. Well... so long as you hold this knowledge in the strictest confidence, I suppose we can give you time to research a solution. I wish I had more to offer on that front, but frankly this sort of thing is well outside my organization's usual area of expertise."

"Thanks anyway. I appreciate it." I'm not entirely sure if I would have wanted his help anyway. Oh, the priest had been more than reasonable to me so far. All the same, though... something about this guy just strikes me as... off. And Rin seems to have some kind of beef with him.

I don't know, though. Maybe I'm just being xenophobic. I don't really know a whole lot about Christians, to be honest. According to Rin, the Secret Church - which I guess is somehow distinct from, yet simultaneously part of, the Normal Church? - officially moderates this whole shebang to keep it from going out of control. And anyway, that long black robe he's wearing would probably make anyone look sinister.

"Well... I guess that's it, then," I say. "Thanks again." I walk towards the exit, where Shirou and Rin are waiting.

"Go in peace," the priest calls out to us. "Especially you... _Shirou Emiya._ "

Okay, yeah. Gonna circle on back to my first impression, thanks.

* * *

 **⇒ walk home**

"So Saber isn't your name, it's the type of Servant you are," I say as we head through the foggy streets.

"Correct," Saber replies.

"Okay. So what _is_ your real name?"

"That is something we Servants reveal only to our Masters."

"Huh. Why's that?"

"Because magic, that's why!" Rin snaps. "Gah, do you always ask this many questions?!" She's still in a bad mood.

"Well, sorry..." I shrug. "Look at it this way. Every one you answer now, I won't have to ask again in a few days."

Rin grumbles something about normies under her breath. I guess she'd really been hoping to get her hands on Baeber. No luck there, though. After talking to Kotomine, Shirou seems to have decided to stay in the game. He silently walks a pace or two in front of us. Brooding, I guess.

I turn back to Saber. "And Servant class - that's basically like an RPG job, right? Or a class in D&D?"

"I don't know what either of those things are."

"It's like... your class defines what you can do. So you're melee, Archer's all about ranged attacks... what about Hulk?"

"The what?"

"You know, the big huge musclehead that goes around with the little albino gir -"

I stop short.

I realize they haven't run into said musclehead yet. "Oh."

I realize where I am - right next to the graveyard. "Oohhhhhhh."

I slowly turn around.

The little albino girl and the giant appear out of the fog behind us.

I turn back to the group and offer a weak, apologetic smile. "Yeah... probably shoulda led with that."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _For those of you who've already read the previous chapter (I.2), I went back and added something new towards the end, since there wasn't really a good place for that bit in this part. Before anyone asks - yes, the prompt reads your comments, and is willing to consider suggestions._

 _Please consider supporting me at (patrick minus ick plus eon) dot com slash philopoemen!_


	4. I:4

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.4

 **⇒ continue: iteration 14, day 1, late night**

"Good evening." The little girl curtsies. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Illyasviel von Einzbern. And this is my Servant, Berserker." She really has the whole creepy-horror-movie-child thing down pat. Give her a twin, and we'd be halfway to a _Shining_ remake.

Saber immediately puts herself between us and them. I quickly retreat behind Shirou and Rin.

"I see two Masters and a Servant before me," the girl continues. "But who is the fourth?"

I glance around. No sign of Not Actually Satan. "Oh, who, me?" I hold up my hands. "Oh, I'm - I'm nobody. I'm not really part of this. Like, at all. I'm just a - a..."

Rin sighs. "He's a non-combatant retainer."

I roll with it. "Yes. I'm that. That thing she just said."

"Oh. Well." The little girl smiles. "Unfortunately, so long as you're with the Master you serve... you're still fair game."

"Are you sure?" I ask desperately. "You guys don't have - like - medics? Or ambulance drivers? Or - I dunno... magic accountants or something?"

"Bored now." She snaps her fingers. "Berserker. Kill them."

McHugeLarge springs way high into the air. A bunch of glowy arrows hit him and explode, and he crashes to the ground - but then jumps at Shirou and Saber blocks him, with enough force that it feels like an artillery shell just went off in front of us -

 **⇒ cue awesome battle sequence**

It _is_ awesome! But it's like a typhoon or a tsunami! Great and spectacular and all - _at a distance._ Not something I want to be right in the middle of!

Running would be awesome right now, but then I might be making myself a target. So I just stay back and cringe and try to make myself look as small and non-threatening as possible.

Eventually, Saber lures Berserker deeper into the graveyard. The von Einzbern girl walks away. "I'm going after her!" Rin roars at us. "You two - go home!" She rushes away.

Shirou looks at me. "I'm going too. You can stay here if you want."

I give him two thumbs up. "Yep! Fine! Works for me! Good luck, dude!"

He runs off after Rin. I'm pretty sure I can hear him humming the theme tune for something under his breath as he goes. I glance around cautiously. No sign of anyone, but I'm still a little too close to where I saw that one _really_ big explosion happen. I should probably fix that.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 14, day 2, early morning**

So the battle ends in a draw. Shirou gets wounded somehow - guess he ended up inside the blast radius or something. Saber convinces Rin to assist her with first aid, and I help them get back to his house.

"So I have to ask," I say to Saber once they've got Shirou patched up and put to bed. "What exactly happened in the courtyard a few hours ago? I really need you to tell me everything."

"There isn't much to tell," Saber replies. "Shirou managed to summon me just as he was being attacked by another Servant."

Rin grunts. "Lancer, right? Better known as Cu Chulainn."

"You guessed his identity too, I see," Saber says.

"Kinda obvious, don't you think?"

I try and keep things on track. "So nothing you'd consider weird happened. At all."

Saber thinks for a second. "Well... come to think of it... there was _one_ thing that seemed odd..."

Oh, thank God. "Yeah?"

"During the fight... Lancer used his ultimate attack on me. His Noble Phantasm, _Gae Bolg._ "

"The spear that never misses," Rin mutters.

"Not quite." Saber tilts her head. "The true nature of the attack is that it rewrites time to ensure it _cannot_ miss its mark. So that it is destined to strike its target, as inevitable as tomorrow follows today. In other words, the attack reverses cause and effect in such a way that the weapon hits before it is even thrown."

"Wow..." I blink. "And you survived that?"

She shrugs. "I was lucky."

Lucky against an attack that _rewrites casuality?_ "So what happened then?"

"Nothing. Lancer's master ordered him to retreat. Then I sensed Archer's presence nearby and went to confront him."

"Huh." That burst of energy I saw right before the loop started... could that have been from Lancer? Whatever the case, that at least gives me something to go on. "Thanks. I think that helps."

She nods. "I wish you luck escaping your curse, Mr. Tomonaga. I would assist you further if I could, but my focus must be on my Master and the Grail."

"Wait..." Rin turns and eyes me. "Your name's Tomonaga?"

I can't help but blush when she says my name. Stupid hormones. "Uh... yeah? Why?"

She shrugs and looks away. "Eh... no reason. Forget it."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I pass on clubs that day and go to the library to read up on Cu Chulainn and Irish mythology. I don't turn up anything that's really helpful. Oh, there's tons of prophecies, vanishing islands, Rip-Van-Winkle-style visits to the fae world where time runs at a different rate - but no time loops. I spend the night poking around online and trying to break Shin's encryption... until I finally give up in frustration and switch to stress-playing Civ2.

 **⇒ isn't that like two versions behind at this point**

It's video game comfort food, okay? Now hush. I need to nuke India before Gandhi flips out.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 14, day 3, afternoon**

I have to return my library books after school on Sunday. After that, I look up Rin's address in the school directory and walk over. It's getting close to sunset when I knock on her door.

She answers it in a huff. "You _did_ hear me when I said I'm breaking the law just by talking to you, right?"

"I know, sorry. But I've only got a day left before I hit the reset point here, so -"

She rolls her eyes. "Guh. _Fine._ Just get in here already."

Her house is absolutely massive. She leads me to this incredibly fancy living room. (Or maybe it counts as a parlor? Not one hundred percent certain what a parlor is, honestly.) I walk in and stop short. Shirou, sitting on a reclining couch with his shirt off, looks up in surprise. "Oh. Hey."

"Hey." I blink. "Sorry. Um. Not interrupting anything, am I?" I feel a twinge of jealousy. Lucky bastard. Well, sort of - his chest and arm are almost completely wrapped in bandages. From the looks of the stains, he's got a massive gash still bleeding between his right wrist and elbow. Bloody hell. What's he even made of?

" _No,_ " Rin says firmly. "I'm just patching up this moron after he did something reckless. _Again._ "

I eye his arm. "What happened?"

Shirou starts, "We ran into this -"

"It's Grail business." Rin cuts him off. "Anyway, I looked up some stuff, Tomonaga. But there's not much I can tell you. Time manipulation magic is considered extremely dangerous. Only a few mage families have ever attempted to master it, and most of them have died out."

"Wow." I can't help myself. "Even the Weasleys and the Malfoys?"

" _This isn't like Harry Potter!_ " Rin snaps. She takes a deep breath and crosses her arms. "Anyway, the only active family still associated with it are the Animuspheres in England. And most people think they're a bunch of crazed weirdos anyway."

"I'm fine with weird," I say. "Is there any way to get in touch with them?"

"Not within a day. Even three probably isn't enough to get a letter to the Clock Tower and back." Rin shrugs. "In terms of time loops, there's been a few in recorded history. But they always were the result of deliberate experimentation involving huge amounts of mana. And they affected entire areas, not just a single person. Nothing like what you're describing."

"And that's it?"

"Afraid so." Rin takes out a piece of paper out and offers it to me stiffly. "This is the only contact address for the Aminuspheres I could find. You can try and send them a letter if you want. Just remember, you didn't get this from me."

I take it. "Got it. Thanks."

"You're welcome." She turns away. "Now, if you excuse me, I have to finish stitching up this idiot."

"Oi," Shirou says irritably. "I kept you from getting hurt, didn't I?"

"Yeah, by blocking a knife with your _arm._ Who asked you to do that?" Rin shakes her head and glances over at me. "You know the way out, right?"

* * *

 **⇒ here i go again on my own**

(buddah bow wow)

It's a pretty depressing walk back home. After everything's said and done, I'm at a dead end again. I guess if I can see if these Aminusphere people have an email address somewhere, but otherwise... what am I gonna do with just a day?

Also... damn. Emiya blocks knives with his own _arm?_ I can't do stuff like that, and I've got what amounts to a respawn point. What's that say about me?

"Tomonaga, right?"

"Huh?" I turn around towards the unfamiliar voice. Then I look up.

Standing on the power lines over my head - like a frigging _bird_ \- is a man in blue armor. Over his shoulders, he carries a long red spear with a point that looks to be roughly around the size of my head.

Oh, crap. "Lancer?"

"And that settles it." He leaps down to the road, spear in hand. "Sorry, kid. But mage law is mage law."

I hold up my hands. "No no waitwaitwait! Just let me -"

In the space it takes me to blink, the end of his spear is through my chest and out my back.


	5. I:5

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.5

 **⇒ restart: iteration 15, day 1, early night**

FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck! What the actual _fuck!_

 **⇒ breathe dude**

Bluh. Right. Breathe. Okay. I'm okay. Just breathe.

Gah. That _sucked._ It's strange, though. I don't seem to actually remember the pain when I restart after dying, you know? It's like I can remember _thinking_ something hurts, but not the actual physical sensation. Maybe I'm just blocking it out or repressing it? Either way, good job, brain. You keep that up.

 **⇒ so what was that about**

I have no idea! The guy just likes showing up and stabbing people, I guess? Who does that?!

 **⇒ what about the address**

What about the - FUCK.

I check my pockets. Of course I don't have the slip of paper Rin gave me. Shit. No inventory on respawn? This game sucks, man.

 **⇒ get gud, noob**

I can't remember the address either. I only gave it a quick look. Thought I had at least another day to memorize it. Shit.

Okay, calm down. It's all right. I'll just have to ask Rin for the address again this time. Nothing's really been lost. I look over the machine and the open notebook on my desk and -

Wait.

So... going back to that energy spectrum Uncle Shin said he could detect. He called the most common kind "G-Energy." The notes say it shows up on the detector as one green light and two to four blue lights, depending on the intensity of the signal.

"G-Energy." Holy Grail. Grail energy.

I'm an idiot.

 **⇒ rethink everything**

So let's assume that the dark energy Uncle Shin was tracking had something to do with this "magic" somehow. Which is in fact a thing. (Come on, worldview. We can do this. Just keep mentally swapping out "magic" for "sufficiently advanced technology of unknown origin" until the pain goes away. We'll get there eventually. Baby steps.)

I go back through the notebooks again. I keep getting drawn back to those date range calculations. The ones that just happen to match up with when the Grail War's getting starting. That can't be a coincidence, right?

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 15, day 2, early morning**

I wait until they're back, then go down the street to Emiya's. No one answers when I knock, but the door's unlocked. I go in and wander out towards the back, where I know they are. "Hey, Tohsaka. About the Murder-Death-Kill - who decides when it's gonna happen? Is it the Church or -"

"Who the _fuck_ are you?!"

Rin points her arm at me like a rifle. Saber draws her invisible sword. Emiya... well... stays unconscious on the floor.

Oh. Right.

I... sort of skipped the introductions this time, didn't I. Took a rain check on that first meeting and the trip to the church, so I wouldn't have to go through meeting creepy priest or psycho loli again. Didn't really think too much about it.

 **⇒ oops**

I take a deep breath. "I'll come in again."

 **⇒ no one expects the japanese inquisition**

I spin around in place, then wave. "Hi! I'm Tomasu Tomonaga! I'm stuck in a time loop! Please help me!"

 **⇒ our chief weapon is surprise**  
 **⇒ surprise and abject groveling**

Oh, God. It's just dawning on me. I'm going to have to go through this every single time I need something from them, aren't I? Which I am, because they're pretty much my only source of information. This... this is going to be _maddening._

 **⇒ yup**  
 **⇒ better start getting used to it**

I go through the whole thing all over again. Strangely enough, at the end of it, neither of them really feel like volunteering information to a stranger who literally just wandered in from off the street. Obviously, I'm going to have to work on my pitch.

The fact that Emiya is still lying on the floor bleeding probably isn't helping anything, either. "Look, it doesn't matter," Rin finally snaps as she switches out the bandages on his shoulders. "We're _busy!_ Come back later - unless you just want me to mind wipe you and be done with it."

"... actually, could you?" I scratch the back of my head. "A reset sounds pretty good right now, honestly."

"Just _get out!_ " She points her index finger up above my head and fires off an energy blast. I take the hint and run.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 15, day 2, late morning**

I wait until I'm sure Rin's gone, then I go back and try out my spiel on Shirou. He at least hears me out. "So what are you going to do now?" he asks when I'm finished.

"I have absolutely no idea." I rub my face. "I mean, this magic stuff sounds like my best lead and all. But other than asking Tohsaka, I've got no idea how to go about researching it."

He nods. "I can't really help you there myself. I only know what my dad told me, and he didn't say much."

"Honestly, the thing that's really stressing me out right now is how to convince you guys to listen to me every few days." I hesitate. "I know this is kind of a weird thing to ask, but... is there any kind of like... I dunno... _password_ or something I could bring up next time that would prove to you I'm not just making shit up? Like... some kind of memory or something you haven't told anyone about?"

"Not really. Honestly, your best bet is probably just to look me in the eye and tell me the truth. I'll believe you then."

"... you will?" I blink. "Meaning... you believe me _now?_ "

"Sure, why not?" He shrugs. "I just learned about Servants and the Holy Grail. I don't see any reason time loops couldn't be real, too."

That makes sense, I guess. All the same, given the clusterfuck this loop's already turned into, I can't help but be a little touched. "... huh. Thanks, man."

Well... as long as I'm pushing my luck... I glance over at the other person in the room. "So, um... Saber?..."

"I will follow the example of my Master." Saber sips her tea. She's just been sitting quietly next to Emiya this whole time, exuding this air of silent disapproval. "Regardless of my personal opinions on the matter." Something in her tone suggests I shouldn't push this topic of conversation any further, at least if I plan on keeping all of my organs.

I again decide to take the hint. "Right. Forget I asked."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Emiya shows me to the door. "Sorry I can't be of more help with this," he says. "It sounds like I'm probably going to be pretty busy with this Grail stuff from now on."

"No, yeah, I understand." I try not to look too frustrated.

"Still... if there's anything I can do... don't be afraid to ask, okay?" Shirou offers me his hand.

Dammit. Emiya's just too damn nice for his own good. "Thanks, man," I say. I reach out and shake.

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ transfer complete**

 _Fire and smoke. A little boy wanders alone through hell. "A hero of justice." "I'll do it for you, then." A weary man in a black kimono looks down and smiles._

* * *

ZZRRRP

"- whoa, hey, what?" I jerk my hand back. "What the hell was - did you see that?"

"See what?" Shirou tilts his head.

So that's obviously a no. "... uh. It's nothing. Guess I'm just tired. Thanks again, Emiya." I turn and trudge away.

The hell it was, though. That was no nothing. That was very clearly a _something._ But what kind of something?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward: iteration 15, day 4, morning**

I spend the rest of the weekend trying to research magic in general as best I can. There's not a whole lot at the library or even online. By the end of things, I'm starting to feel like _Dungeons & Dragons_ gave me a better overview than most of the stuff I've come across.

I manage to catch Emiya on the way to school Monday morning. "So how does magic work, anyway?" I ask, once I'm sure we're out of earshot of anyone. "I mean, how do you use it?"

"It's hard to describe." He scratches the back of his head. "My dad said that there were these things called Magic Circuits that only mages have. They activate if you know how to run your life energy through them."

"And how do you learn to do that?" I ask.

"It involves a lot of mediation. Some guided imagery exercises. At least, that's how Dad taught me." He shrugs. "Rin would probably be able to tell you more. Anyway, I'm not really supposed to talk about it."

"Got it." I glance around. We're approaching the school now. Sidewalk's getting a lot more crowded. "In general terms, though. What kind of... um... _stuff_ can you do?"

"Not much. Structural analysis, mostly." We walk up the stairs towards his homeroom. "I can also reinforce certain materials. I use it to fix things."

"Huh." I scratch my chin. "Still. That sounds really useful, actually. Kind of like you're carrying around a scanner or an ultrasound or something..." I wonder if there's anything he could tell me about Uncle Shin's detector?

"Yo, Emiya!" someone else calls out. Oh, great, _this_ asshole? What does he want?

I've basically followed Emiya straight up to his desk - no big deal, since my homeroom's right next door. The guy who just hailed him is Shinji Matou. I don't really know the guy, but he has a reputation as an inexplicably popular douchebag. (Okay, maybe not _that_ inexplicable - his family's rich, after all.) My handful of dealings with him have only reinforced that impression.

"Oh, Shinji." Shirou glances at him. "Do you know Tomonaga? He's in class B -"

"Doesn't matter, don't care." Matou crosses the room and slams his hands down on Shirou's desk. Well, shit. Rude much? "Listen, did you hear about Mitsuzuri?"

"You mean Ayako?" Shirou furrows his brow. "I heard they found her, yeah."

"Who?" I ask, clueless as usual.

"She's in class A," Shirou mutters to me. "She went missing Saturday. That's why they let out school early yesterday."

"Seriously?" I raise my eyebrows. Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?

 **⇒ why don't you ask**

... yeah, fair.

"But did you hear about _where_ they found her?" There's something deeply unsettling about Matou's smile. "I heard it was in a back alley in Shinto. They say her eyes were glazed over and her uniform in tatters." He licks his lips. "Doesn't it make you wonder? How a normal girl like her wound up like that? What do you think she's been getting up to at night?"

... what the _fuck._ I mean - just... what the _fuck?_ What the _everliving shit_ is this guy's damage?! From his tone, I half-expect him to whip it out and start jerking it right here in front of us. And wow, _there_ is a mental image I immediately regret from the bottom of my heart.

 **⇒ yeah that's a twelve out of ten on the nope scale**

I glance over at Shirou, if only to make sure I'm not the only one hearing this. His expression is totally blank. I think he's having so much trouble processing this that he's fallen back into DOS mode. Divide by zero, does not compute, please empty the human trash. He has balled up his hand into a fist, though.

For my part, the only thing I can think of to do is just get the fuck out. "I'll... see you later, Emiya," I say slowly. "I should... yeah." I walk out of the room. Note to self: in future loops, avoid that conversation. At all costs.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Lunch rolls around. Just another ten hours or so until I hit the reset point. I'm pretty much out of ideas now, though. Guess this loop really is a wash.

On a whim, I go down to the school library to see if they've got anything about magic and/or the occult. As one might expect, I come up with a whole lot of nothing. Regardless, I start digging through the mythology section, if only for the sake of thoroughness.

That's when I find it.

No, not a book. It's some kind of ornate circle, inscribed in dark red on the bottom shelf, surrounded by weird figures and hieroglyphics. It doesn't seem to be drawn in ink or paint. It almost looks like it's been carved into the wood somehow.

I reach out and touch the edge of the circle.

 **⇒ bad move**

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ transfer complete**  
 **⇒ warning: corrupted**

 _Blood blood always need more blood the monster the hunger it calls not fair never fair why punish her. Stone stone they all turn to stone but stone doesn't bleed not good enough. Bleed bleed soon they all will bleed she doesn't want to except the part of her that does but the master requires it not true master yet all the same and besides she has done far worse so much worse long before she was called into this silly game..._

* * *

ZZRRRP

...

Okay, the hell was that... and why do I feel so weak. And also like I'm on fire.

I get up and try to walk away, maybe find some help. I make it three steps before I collapse on the ground and everything goes dark.

 **⇒ the end, return to page 3**


	6. I:6

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.6

 **⇒ restart: iteration 16, day 1, early night**

Wokay, all right. Don't touch the blood-red magic glyphs. See, I'm learning things. This is good.

 **⇒ most people wouldn't need to learn that you know**

Well, those people clearly aren't scientists. Anyway - new loop. I've had time to think about my pitch. Let's get it right this time.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward twenty minutes**

Shirou answers the door when I knock. "Uh... yeah?"

"Hey, Emiya." I cut him off before he can ask. "It's Tomonaga. Listen. About a half an hour ago, you accidentally summoned a woman named Saber. She and Rin Tohsaka are sitting in your kitchen right now telling you about this Holy Grail War you're now involved in. It has probably been the single weirdest night of your life, and that was before I showed up. Hi, Not Actually Satan," I add, glancing up towards Archer on the roof. He narrows his eyes.

I look back to Shirou. "I would now like to honestly explain to you and everyone how and why I know all of this. Can I come in, please?"

He stares at me for a moment. Then pushes open the door all the way.

I let out a deep breath. "Thanks." I walk inside.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"Oh, yeah. Those things," Rin says.

We're sitting in Shirou's kitchen again. They've decided to hold off on meeting Kotomine until the morning, since I told them about Berserker this time. Not that they believe me, exactly, but Shirou apparently ran into the creepy murder child himself at some point, so that's enough to raise some warning flags.

Otherwise, it's kind of interesting how much more easily Saber and Rin listen to me with Emiya around (not to mention conscious.) You'd think being so trusting - to the point of maybe being naive - would be a strike against him. But at the same time, I guess people _want_ to trust him and his judgment? Wish I could figure out how he pulls that off.

Anyway, so I just finished telling them about the killer magic circle thing. "So what is it?"

"It's a sigil linked to the bounded field around the school," Rin says. "I just found it earlier today. Set up by one of the other Masters, no doubt."

"... to protect the students?" Shirou asks.

"Oh, of course not," Rin says cheerfully. "When it's set off, it'll turn the entire school into a bloody abattoir, killing everyone inside and funneling their souls directly into their Servant as raw mana. Pretty standard tactic, really. Classic Murder-Death-Kill 101." She sips her tea calmly.

Shirou and I exchange a glance.

"Oh, don't give me that look. I'm going to stop it. Besides, it's not even complete yet." Rin pauses. "In fact... for you to actually set off one of those glyphs ahead of time, before the caster triggers it..."

She thinks for a second. "Give me your hand."

"Uh... me? Okay, I guess..." I scooch around the table. She makes a motion in the air, then takes my palm. Okay, I think. Now don't blush. Don't blush. Fuck. _Don't_ blush, dammit -

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ download complete**

 _He puts his hand upon her head. She smiles up at him. "Come home soon, Father..."_

* * *

ZZRRRP

I blink. "Woah, hey, I just got something. Dude with a goatee. Red smoking jacket?" My eyes focus on Rin. "Was that your dad?"

"Tssh." She makes a sort of annoyed grunt and lets go of my hand, crossing her arms. "Well, that settles it. Looks like you have a few Magic Circuits of your own."

"I... do?" I blink. "So... what? I'm a mage?"

"HA! No. It's funny that you'd think that, actually." She covers her smirk with one hand. "You've got even less mana than Shirou does. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole memory-reading trick is the only thing you can do."

So much for spamming _fireball,_ then. "... memory-reading?" I look down at my hand. "I'm psychic?"

"I guess that makes sense." Shirou rubs the back of his head. "Come to think of it... that thing you mentioned you saw when we shook hands. That sounds a lot like the Great Fuyuki Fire ten years ago."

I raise my eyebrows. "You were there?"

He nods. Jeez. I didn't know that.

"The truth is, Magic Circuits are more common than people realize." Rin shrugs. "Every now and again, they'll show up in a family as a result of some random mutation. Living in a mana-rich area like Fuyuki raises the odds some. Without training, though, most never even realize they have them. And even if they do, they usually just amount to a simple trick. It takes a lot more than that to be able to call yourself a mage."

"Okay... so... why does mine keep randomly kicking in?" I tilt my head. "And why hasn't it happened before now?"

"Who knows? If I had to guess, though..." She thinks. "Since you don't know how to control your Circuits, they probably just flare up whenever you touch a source of mana stronger than you. It's like air pressure. You've got less, so the energy flows into you.

"Up until now, you probably just haven't encountered a big enough mana source to activate it. Like me or Emiya. Or those sigils. Sounds like they're probably linked to the Servant they're supposed to channel mana to..."

"So... what should I do?" I examine my hands. "Should I just start wearing gloves all the time? Like the Psi Corps on _Babylon 5?_ " Kinda like that idea, actually. Chekov was a total badass on that show.

"Oh, you don't have to go to that much trouble!" Rin smiles nicely. "I don't care about what memories you pick up from Shirou. And if you touch _me_ again, I'll just murder you so hard, you won't be able to come back! Ever!"

I hastily raise my hands. "Okay, okay! Message received!" In retrospect, it might have been a mistake spoiling the whole Grail wish thing to Shirou earlier. Though it's not like he wouldn't have heard it from Kotomine eventually, right?

"Well..." Shirou scratches his chest awkwardly. Come to think of it, he already has this huge bloody gash through the front of his jacket, even _before_ meeting Berserker. I wonder how I missed that before. Behind him, I notice Saber eying me. She doesn't say a word, but something about her look gives me the impression that Rin's no-touchee-or-else rule should go double for her. "If learning to control it will help... I guess there's one or two basic things I could show you."

Rin coughs. "Blind leading the blind," she mumbles under her breath.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward: iteration 16, day 2, afternoon**

So after they go to see Kotomine, I start my Jedi training with Shirou. He wasn't kidding about it being basic. To start with, he just shows me how to meditate. I work on that by myself for a few hours while he goes to drop off Ms. Fujimura's lunch - one of the teachers at school; I guess she's his legal guardian or something? - and comes back.

"So is this what you do all the time?" I ask at one point. We're out in the tool shed behind his house. It's littered with all sorts of half-dismantled junk. I sit cross-legged on top of a minifridge that's missing its door. "Just hang out and train?"

He shrugs. "Well, I've got a part-time job... but otherwise, yeah. Basically."

"Training for what, though?"

He scratches the back of his head. "It's... kind of complicated..."

"Wait..." Something from that batch of memories I absorbed from him tickles at the back of my mind. Hero of justice... "Are you trying to be Batman?"

"What?" Shirou blinks. "No, of course not. That'd just be _silly,_ I mean..."

I look at him.

He shifts his eyes. "... maybe."

 **⇒ the dork knight rises**

There is only one possible way I could react to this information. "Awesome," I state, certain beyond all doubt that I speak the objective truth.

Shirou looks up. "Wait. But Batman doesn't have any powers."

"Okay. So you're trying to be Low-Level Magic Batman." Would that make him John Constantine? Eh, nah. I really can't see Emiya as any sort of con artist. Guy's way too Lawful Good.

"I... guess?"

I grin. "Dude. That's freaking _amazing!_ "

Shirou raises his eyebrows. "You really think so?"

"Hell yeah! Who wouldn't?!"

"Huh." He slumps against the wall contemplatively. "Most people tell me it sounds kinda dumb..."

" _Whaaat._ " That makes no sense to me. "Fuck that noise, man."

"Heh. I guess. Besides, it's not just for my sake, you know?" He shrugs. "Back when I was a kid, my dad told me he had this dream he was never able to achieve. He really wanted to be this ideal hero of justice - someone who could save everyone in front of them. He was pretty sick at that point. So I told him I'd do it for him."

I nod solemnly. "Respectable origin story. Like the whole passing the torch theme." Bonus points for being a tragic orphan, too - though even I know better than to actually say that out loud. "So you're halfway there, though, right? You've got training... stuff you can use to make gadgets..."

"See, _exactly!_ Thank you!" Shirou throws up his arms. "Everyone else just calls me a hoarder."

"You've got the big house... and..." My eyes go wide. I clap my hands over my mouth. "Dude. _Dude._ "

"What?"

" _You've got an Alfred now!_ " I'm so excited, my voice comes out as a kind of hissed squeal. "Even better! _Hot Lady Alfred!_ "

He gets a pained expression on his face and rubs the back of his neck. "I... really don't want to think of Saber that way, you know?"

"But it's so _perfect!_ " Bet she'd look good in a tuxedo, too. I mean, damn.

 **⇒ you're not wrong**

"So... wait..." Shirou pauses. "Wouldn't that make you Robin in this metaphor?"

"Nah, I'm not -" My face goes pale. "... oh. Oh, God. You're right. I think it does." There are a few revelations about one's place in the universe that there's no coming back from. Realizing that you're one of nature's sidekicks is one of them. "It's okay, though, right? Maybe I can work my way up to Nightwing? Eventually, I mean?"

 **⇒ existential crisis on infinite earths**

It's okay, I tell myself. You can make this work. And you don't have to wear the green underpants. That hasn't been a part of the costume for years, right? I don't actually know. I've never really read the comics. Just watched the cartoon.

Shirou gives me a sympathetic, if somewhat unconvincing, nod.

There's a knock. Saber slides open the door and comes in with a teapot on a tray. "I made myself tea," she says. "I thought you might like some."

"Oh, perfect. Thanks, Saber." Shirou takes a cup as she places the tray on the floor.

"Of course." She stands up solemnly. "Now... will that be all, Master Shirou?"

We both stare at her with wide eyes. I don't think I even breathe up until I finally detect the tiny hint of a smile she has on her face.

That's when I start laughing.

Can't help it. Oh, God, Shirou's face - it's _priceless._ He looks like a mouse that's just wandered into the middle of a lion convention. He finally manages to squeak, "Saber..."

"I regret that I no longer have access to formal wear." She raises her eyebrows thoughtfully. "If you like, though, I _could_ start growing the mustache..."

Still laughing, by the way. "But how - you're a freaking _Viking_ or something!" I gasp out between convulsions. "How do you - how could you even - _shit!_ " I overbalance and fall off the minifridge.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 16, day 2, evening**

So it turns out that Grail Servants get a certain amount of modern pop culture knowledge downloaded into their heads when they're first summoned, along with stuff like modern Japanese and how to use indoor plumbing. Makes sense, I suppose.

 **⇒ you know**  
 **⇒ for someone who said people were out of your wheelhouse**  
 **⇒ you don't seem to be doing too bad at the whole social thing**

Huh. You think?

 **⇒ uh yeah**

... guess I really haven't thought about it all that much. At the start of things, I was so worked up, I just kind of forgot to give a shit, you know? I've more or less been riding that wave of anxiety ever since.

But let's be real here. I mean, it's not like I'm charming the socks off of anyone. They just barely trust me right now, and I'm pretty sure that's only because I come across as mostly harmless. Well, okay. Emiya might be the exception, but he's easy mode. I'm pretty sure he'd bend over backwards for anyone who asks nicely.

 **⇒ true but still**  
 **⇒ maybe you just think you're bad with people as opposed to actually being bad at it**

... maybe. I remain unconvinced. Anyway, let's pick this up later. I need to talk to Rin now. You're gonna mess up my groove, you know?

 **⇒ okay okay**  
 **⇒ walk up to the tohsaka residence**

So in spite of me ruining her "in" with Baeber last night, I'd still managed to talk Rin into looking up the Animusphere address for me again.

 **⇒ sigh**

What?

 **⇒ nothing**  
 **⇒ go on**

I knock. "So how goes boot camp, maggot?" Rin asks by way of greeting when she opens the door.

"Uh, okay, I think?" I adjust the gloves that I had - very carefully and deliberately - chosen to wear. "Seems pretty simple so far..."

"Filthy casuals," she mutters.

I raise my eyebrows. "Huh. Didn't think you were the video game type."

"Video _what?_ Oh, never mind - here." She passes me a familiar slip of paper. "Now get out of here. You know your teacher and I are at war now, right?"

I check the slip to make sure the address is there. "I know you wind up allied with him again tomorrow night."

She scoffs. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Bet you a thousand yen."

"You're on."

 **⇒ is that really a good idea**

C'mon, please. For all her talk, you really think Rin has it in her to _actually_ fight and/or kill Shirou? That's not going to change just to spite me out of a Noguchi.

Um. Probably.

She studies me for a second, her eyes narrowed. "... you said your name was Tomonaga, right?"

"Uh, yeah? Why?" Hold on, this seems familiar.

"Never mind. It's nothing. Try not to get yourself killed on the way back." She starts to close the door.

 **⇒ time to play 'follow that event flag'**

"Wait wait wait." I put my foot in the door. "That doesn't sound like nothing. What is it? What about my name?"

She crosses her arms. "Fine, whatever. It's not a big deal or anything. I was just wondering...

"... did you know a Shin Tomonaga?"

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _In case anyone's worried about how Tomasu measures up to the other magic-wielding characters: the TYPE-MOON wiki ranks how powerful mages are by the number of Magic Circuits they have, with your average magus possessing around twenty. Rin, by comparison, has forty (as well as maybe an additional thirty granted to her by her family crest, I think?). Shirou has twenty-seven (though they're said to be of relatively low quality.) I haven't settled on an exact number for Tom yet, but it will be somewhere in the vicinity of five._


	7. I:7

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.7

 **⇒ continue: iteration 16, day 2, evening**

" _You knew Uncle Shin?!_ "

"Keep it down!" Rin hisses, glancing to either side. "I have neighbors, you know?"

"Sorry, just -" I run my hands through my hair. "Rin, this is _huge._ Messing around with my uncle's tech is what got me into this whole mess. If he -"

"Hup bup bup!" She wags her finger at me. "When did I say we were on a first-name basis?!"

"Oh. Right, right. Sorry, Tohsaka." I flush and look away.

"That's better."

"So... um..." I scratch the back of my head. "... still. How did you know my uncle?"

"He was an acquaintance of my dad's." Rin leans against the doorframe. "At least, that's what he told me. I met him for the first time at the funeral."

"Wait... as in, your dad's funeral?"

"Mmh." She brushes back her hair. "Then after my mom died, he started coming by to check in on me every now and again. Help me out around the house with things I didn't know how to do - plumbing, repairs, stuff like that. Took me out for ice cream sometimes. That kind of thing."

"Wow. I had no idea..." Wait, so _both_ of her parents are dead? Shit... I guess it'd seemed weird to me before how empty her house felt. But I'd just figured her family must've been at work or out of town or something... "So then what?"

"Then nothing." Rin shrugs. "He had to stop coming when he got sick. Then he died. I presume you know about _that,_ at least."

"Well, yeah..." There's no way this could be a coincidence. "So your dad was a mage, right? If he knew Uncle Shin... is there any chance he could have taught him about magic?"

"Absolutely _not!_ " She rears up and crosses her arms. "Do you have _any_ idea what the penalties for revealing secrets to normies are?! My father would _never_ have risked dishonoring the Tohsaka name in such a way! And I never told Shin anything either, before you ask!"

"Okay, okay!" I hold up my hands. The way she's reacting, you'd think I accused her dad of being a war criminal or something. "Well... what if _Shin_ was a mage? You said Magic Circuits can just randomly pop up in families, right?"

"Impossible," she snaps. "I would have sensed it. Even when I was a kid."

"You didn't sense _me._ "

"That's because you're..." She hesitates. "Oh, there's no nice way to say this... your Circuits are so malformed, there's no way you could _ever_ become a real mage. Even if Shin had been a rando like you, Father wouldn't have seen him as worth training. There'd be no point. You wouldn't even provide much as a sacrifice."

I try to ignore that last part and translate her lingo into terms I'm more familiar with. Sounds like normie means Muggle, and rando means... I don't know... some combination of Mudblood and Squib, I guess? "Listen, Rin - I think Shin might've been researching magic stuff..."

"What did I _just say_ about first names?!"

"Well, sorry!" I throw up my hands. "It's just shorter. One syllable instead of three, you know? That's the only reason I keep doing it."

"Oh, well, in that case! Should I just start calling you _Tom_ then?" she demands. "Just to keep things snappy?"

"Well, I mean, you _could._ " I rub the back of my neck. "It'd just be weird, because no one does."

"Whatever." She rolls her eyes. "Don't push your luck, Tomonaga."

 **⇒ getting kind of off-track here**

"So training's out," I say. "Could your dad have just _talked_ to Shin about magic without breaking the law? If he was like me, I mean?"

She shakes her head. "I still can't see it. Randos might be a legal gray area, but it'd still look bad to the Association. Not to mention, most people frown on talking about craft with anyone outside the established families, much less with the uninitiated. Our standing would've suffered if Father had been found out. I can't see him risking it."

I blink. "So... why are you talking to me, then? Or Shirou?"

"Shirou's not uninitiated!" Her ears turn red. "His father showed him _some_ things. And I _wouldn't_ be talking to you if your situation wasn't so unique. And... well..."

She looks away. "... maybe I'm doing it for Shin."

I guess that makes sense. "... well, thanks. I appreciate it."

Rin shakes her head. "He really did help me out a lot back then. And he never let me pay him for any of it. I can't stand the idea of being in someone's debt." Her voice softens. "I miss him, you know?"

I nod slowly. "Yeah. Me, too."

There's a moment of silence. The sun's getting low.

"Though, dear God, was he gay," she adds.

"Oh yeah."

" _Such_ a huge queen. Just massive."

"Yep," I agree. "Proud of it, too."

She looks away and smiles. Dammit. She looks so beautiful right now it honestly hurts.

 **⇒ ...**  
 **⇒ let's move on**

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 16, day 3, morning**

I run over to Shirou's before school because I totally forgot to mention the whole him-getting-stabbed-in-the-arm-today thing. As a result, Saber wants to come with us to keep an eye on him. Shirou insists that she stay and rest, though. (Not entirely sure why, honestly?) He winds up winning out in the end, but promises he'll magically summon her with a Command Seal if things look serious. Because I guess that's a thing they can do.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 16, day 3, night**

After school, I head back for dinner, then go over to Emiya's to keep practicing the meditation stuff. Shirou's not there. It takes a while for him to show up - this time with a wound on his _other_ arm. "Still?" I ask.

"What else was I supposed to do?" Shirou shrugs. "It was headed right for Rin's head."

Saber's clearly not happy. "I believe this illustrates my point from before, Master. With the other Servants on the move, it is a tactical error for you to travel unescorted."

"All right, all right." Shirou rubs the back of his head. "I guess you can come with me to school tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain it to the teachers, though..."

"I am certain you will think of something."

"Oh, and Tomonaga..." Shirou fishes a thousand yen note out of his pocket and hands it to me. "Rin asked me to give you this."

"Aww, yeah." I grin and snatch the bill. "Easy money." See? Knew it was nothing to worry about.

 **⇒ still wouldn't underestimate her**

Right, right. She's still a scary lady. Her _dere_ is starting to show, though.

I'd brought the detector with me for Emiya to take a look at. We sit down on either side of it on the floor of the tool shed. "Okay." I rub my hands together. "Let's fuckin' do this thing."

He eyes me. "You really like to swear a lot, don't you?"

"Oh, yeah." I scratch the back of my head. "Sorry, I can try to tone it down if you like. It's kind of a family habit, so I forget sometimes."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my dad doesn't really care." I shrug. "And my mom... see, when they first met, she was in the Ground Self-Defense Force? And her unit spent a lot of time training with the US Marines, so..."

 **⇒ that is a half-truth and you know it**

Oh, what am I supposed to say? That Mom was a former delinquent? You know she hates it when I tell people about that.

"I think I get the picture. Trace on," he mutters. He puts his hand on the detector. "... huh." He furrows his brow. "That's weird."

"What is?"

He takes his hand off the machine and examines it. "I'm definitely channeling mana into it... but I'm not getting anything back. Like it's a black box or something."

I think for a second. "Let me try something." I take the battery out of my bag and wire it to the detector. "Try it again."

He puts his hand on it again. This time, three lights come on. One green, two blue. G-Energy.

"I'm still not getting a response." Shirou glances at the lights. "What do those mean?"

"It means it's official," I say. "My uncle built a working mana detector."

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 16, day 4, early night**  
 **⇒ so someone was asking if you've thought about ways to exploit the loop yet or not**

Huh? How do you mean?

 **⇒ like how bill murray learns to play the piano and stuff**

Oh, so _now_ you remember the movie. You're talking about using the loop to level grind on skills, right?

 **⇒ bingo**

Well, isn't that kinda what I'm doing? (Trying to meditate, BTW/FYI, this is less than helpful.) Aside from that, sure, I'll admit the thought's occurred to me. The thing is, though - what would I even want to learn?

 **⇒ is this gonna be like picking out a college major**

I mean, most of the stuff I'm interested in, I already know how to do. I just want to know how to do them _better._ And I'm not sure I can get much further just studying on my own. Sooner or later, I'm going to need to ask someone questions, you know?

 **⇒ you could learn how to fight**  
 **⇒ just throwing that out there**

Yeah, about that... there's not a whole lot of point in exercising if my body resets every three days. And even if - I dunno - I got Saber to show me some _kenjutsu_ stuff or whatever, would that even transfer?

Huh. Actually, that brings up a good question. I wonder if muscle memory comes along with my mind when the loop resets. Or does it stay with the body? I don't actually know how any of that works. The neuroscience of it or whatever.

 **⇒ probably worth looking into**

Yeah, I wonder how I could test that... maybe try picking up a new video game? Something simple like Tetris. See if that transfers?

Anyway - that said, I don't know if I'm really cut out to be a fighter. And I'd frankly prefer to spend my time researching Uncle Shin's tech or magic or whatever else I need to do to find a way off this stupid fourth-dimensional merry-go-round. I'm already bored out of my skull repeating the same exact classes over and over again. I don't know if I'm willing to go through that another dozen or so times just so I can learn to carve a penguin out of ice with a chainsaw.

 **⇒ well if you need ideas for how to use this**  
 **⇒ there have to be other stories about time loops right**  
 **⇒ maybe take a look at some of those**

Can't think of too many off the top of my head, actually. There was an episode of _Star Trek,_ I think?

Oh. And I've heard of some fanfics that use it as a plot device. Never really read any of them, though. They all sounded kind of boring.

 **⇒ dude too meta**  
 **⇒ reel it back in**

Huh? I have no idea what you're talking about sometimes, you know that? - But it's like... if it's just a character going through the same events all over again, what's the point? Don't you already know what's going to happen? Where's the suspense?

 **⇒ so you're saying that you need a story to surprise you**

Kinda? I guess it's more that I need to feel like there's _some_ possibility the heroes could lose, you know? Otherwise, there's no tension.

 **⇒ careful what you wish for**

... what's that supposed to mean?

 **⇒ look out window**

Huh? What do you... oh. Huh.

So I'm meditating in my own room tonight. Shirou and Saber got home from school way late, so I decided not to bother them. (I overheard some rumor about a foreign barbarian punching Shinji Matou across the room? Entirely unrelated, I'm sure.) It's after dark. Looking outside, I see Shirou jogging down the street away from his house. Which is weird.

 **⇒ what do you mean**

I don't see Saber anywhere. After yesterday, I could've sworn she wasn't going to let him out of her sight.

Something doesn't feel right here.

 **⇒ do you want to go after him**

... yeah. Yeah, I better. I mean, I don't have much time before the loop resets. But still... guess I can give it a shot, right?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

So in the interest of saving time, I decide to go after Shirou on foot rather than grab my bike. This winds up being a tactical error. I'm not exactly the most physically fit person ever. Emiya, on the other hand? Is a frigging _beast._ I have no idea how long it takes for me to get within arm's reach of him. All I know is that I want to die at the end of it.

 **⇒ why not just shout at him**

I tried! He didn't react, just kept on going. Yet another point on the bad-feeling-o-meter. Struggling for breath, I grab his shoulder. "EMIYA!"

"... huh?" He finally seems to snap out of it. He stops and gives me a confused look. "What are you doing here? Wait... where are we?"

I'm too busy trying not to vomit to answer, so I just wordlessly flail at our surroundings. At this point, we're in the woods just outside of town, part of the way up the Ryuudou Temple mountain. The path we're on is marked by the occasional streetlight, but it's still dark enough to set off my personal nope-fuck-that alarm.

Shirou looks around. "... where's Saber?"

"I - I dunno," I gasp out. "Back at your house... I think..."

"Really," a familiar voice says. "What a shame."

I swear that I feel my blood freeze inside my veins. I slowly turn.

Just off the side of the path, not four meters away from me, Illyasviel von Einzbern looks down on us from amid the trees. She's sitting on one of Berserker's beefy shoulders, his eyes glowing like the fires of hell.

"I'm disappointed, Shirou." She smiles. "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not nice to keep a lady waiting?"

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _From what I understand, calling someone by their first name is kinda a big deal in Japanese culture. Doing so denotes a degree of - if not exactly intimacy, then at least close friendship. So that's why Rin keeps getting ticked off at Tom at the start of the chapter._

 _And yeah, sorry for the meta, not gonna make a habit of that. Just couldn't resist when someone in the comments brought up other stories out there that use time loops as a trope. It strikes me as a tricky thing to keep up a sense of dramatic tension going in a scenario like this. What do you think? Am I succeeding? Should I keep going?_


	8. I:8

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.8

 **⇒ continue: iteration 16, day 4, early night**

Why, hello, Mr. Adrenaline! All at once dozens of voices and thoughts swamp my mind, because holy _shit_ we are so _fucked._ And all I can think about is what the shit do I _do_ and Shirou doesn't know what to do either he's just standing there staring and there's no way out and oh dear God we're so boned and I really _really_ don't wanna find out what it feels like to get torn apart by Beserker's bare hands...

 **⇒ go left**

I guess that it's moments like this that you find out who you really are. Because out of all that tumult, here's what I do -

I take a deep breath. I look the murder child right in her big red eyes. And I say - well, okay, shriek: "FLIBBERTIGIBBET FORTY-TWO BAG OF PETUNIAS."

She blinks and tilts her head. "Ex... excuse me?"

"Those are TERRIBLE LAST WORDS RUN," I scream.

With that I grab Shirou's arm and drag him with me over the path's railing and into the woods.

 **⇒ if you can't beat them confuse them**  
 **⇒ not bad**

Except it isn't going to _work_ for long because I hear Beserker roar and then we're running for our lives down a steep hillside slope through the thick woods. I can barely see anything. I nearly stumble or twist my ankle half a dozen times. Then, suddenly, we're at the bottom of the hill, and to my shock Beserker isn't right on top of us.

 **⇒ check on shirou**

I lost my grip on Emiya's arm in the process of running. Through some miracle, though, he winds up right next to me as we emerge from the woods, looking utterly confused. "Why - who was -" he starts.

"Beserker," I mumble. "We are _so dead._ "

 **⇒ speaking of death**

I hear a sound overhead and look up. Out of the treetops fly a pair of white glowing transparent birds. They immediately zero in on us. Wonderful.

"Move!" I start running again just as the the birds - I swear to God - start shooting frigging _laser beams_ down at us. Okay, they can't be _actual_ lasers because I can see the pulses and we even have time to dodge them and oh hey there's the school. As in, our high school. We're actually pretty close to the back wall.

 **⇒ fancy that**  
 **⇒ take shelter**

We manage to scramble over the fence just as the birds swing around for another attack run, then take cover beneath the eaves of the maintenance shed.

"Did we lose them?" Shirou mutters as we pause for breath.

I shake my head. No way in hell is that simple.

 **⇒ call for help**

I glance over at Shirou's hand. Right, the tattoos! Except they're not tattoos. You know what I mean. "Hey," I mutter, still gasping for breath. "Call Saber."

"Huh?"

"You can summon her here with one of those thingies, right? So call her."

He hesitates. "I dunno..."

"What don't you know about?!" I whisper. "They're gonna be here _any second!_ Why would you -" I see the expression on his face. "Oh, for fuck's sake - what, is this a pride thing?! Is this the whole Batman stoic-badass _I-work-alone_ bullshit?"

"I don't like having other people fight my battles, okay?!" he retorts.

"Do you have a plan for this situation? This shit we're in right now?!"

"No!"

"Then _you're not the goddamn Batman yet!_ " I hiss. " _Call Saber call her right now!_ "

"All right, all right!" He holds up the hand with the Command Seals on it. " _Saber - come here!_ "

A vortex of light appears next to us as the mark on his hand glows. Saber materializes at the center of it, clad in her armor. Not quite your standard magical girl transformation montage, but close enough. She opens her eyes. "What is thy bidding, my -"

That's when Beserker grabs her by the neck and flings her through the wall of the gym twenty meters away.

I can only stare in shock as he leaps after her. When did he - how the _fuck_ can something that big possibly be that quiet?! "SABER!" Shirou yells.

I hear a giggle above us. "Took you long enough, Shirou." I look up to see one of the white bird things sitting on the eaves, looking down at us. The von Einzbern girl's voice seems to be coming out of it. "You're lucky I need Saber dead, too. No sense risking Caster trying something cute with her, after all."

"What the hell is that thing?" I mutter.

"It's a familiar, I think," Shirou whispers back. "They're, like... these puppet things mages can work through."

"If it wasn't for that, I'd have already collected you." The bird's eyes start to glow. "Speaking of which..."

I start to run just as it vaporizes the wall we were standing next to. "This way!" Shirou shouts. He leads me through the back garden and around the side of the main building, into the central schoolyard.

He stops once we turn the corner. "You keep running," he says. "Get to Tohsaka's if you can. Her house isn't far from here."

"What about you?" I ask.

"I'm going to go help Saber."

"Against _that?!_ " I stare at him. " _How?!_ "

"Dunno. I have to try." He turns and runs towards the gym.

I watch him go. Damn it... I run away towards the front of the school.

 **⇒ don't be inspired by that or anything**

I make it to the parking lot in front before guilt sets in. What the hell am I doing? Aren't _I_ the one who gets to start over again? But... what the hell can I even do here?! I've got nothing aside from my -

Oh. I pull out my cell phone and dial emergency services.

 **⇒ try again chief**

It just gives me a bewildered beep. TOWER NOT FOUND, the display reads. NO SIGNAL. Oh, _bullshit!_ I've made dozens of calls from this exact spot or close enough before! Why would - oh. This must be magic shit. Hexes to keep the police from getting involved in Servant battles, something like that. Dammit.

I hear something like an explosion. A column of golden light stretches up to the sky above the roof of the administration building.

 **⇒ what was that**

I don't know! Something good, something bad? If my cell phone doesn't work, what else can I even do here?!

"Good. You're still here." Saber lands next to me, having leapt over the roof of the administration building. She looks like... well, the way you'd expect someone slammed through a concrete wall and then beaten on by a three-meter-tall muscle tumor to look.

Shirou looks even worse, though. She bridal-carries him in her arms. He seems barely conscious. He's got a hole straight through his chest, and everything below his right knee is a bloody mess.

"Here." She practically drops him onto me. "Get him to Rin's. I've done what I can, but Beserker's already regenerating. We need Archer."

I try to prop Shirou up next to me. We can probably move slowly, step by step, but the way that he's bleeding... "Saber, there's no way we can make it all the way to Tohsaka's. I need -" I shut up as I notice her eyes scan the parking lot.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Maybe ten or twenty minutes later, I'm driving the golf cart the school janitors use to haul mulch around like a maniac through the town streets, Shirou slumped over in the seat next to me. No clue how Saber managed to start it up without the keys. She just touched the wheel and it came to life. Magic. Magic shit everywhere.

It's still pretty slow going - golf cart, remember - so I've decided to pass the time by cursing out Shirou for being a dumbass. "How the _shit_ did you expect that to end, anyway? I told you, didn't I? Archer, Saber and Rin working together could barely manage a draw with that thing! The fuck did you think you'd accomplish?!"

"Sorry..."

Are you supposed to keep dying people talking? I can't remember. They used an argument to survive torture that one time on _Firefly,_ so I'm just going with it. "Don't sorry me! You know what Batman does?! Batman _plans,_ all right?! Batman _prepares._ He knows when to run so he can come back and kick the villain's ass in the second act!"

"S'not Batman..."

"Well, fucking _obviously!_ " I take a sharp left turn. Lucky thing the streets around here are so deserted at night.

"If a man... is not unattached to life... he will be of no use whatsoever."

"Huh?" I pause. Actually, that sounds kind of familiar. Where have I heard that before?

So that's when the front passenger side tire explodes.

"Shit!" I swerve. All that accomplishes, though, is sending us straight into someone's mailbox at top speed. Which isn't much 'cause golf cart. But something must've broken because I hear the engine die. "Shit."

 **⇒ how far to rin's place**

 _So_ close. We're barely a block away. I get up and pull Shirou out of the cart. We hobble off down the street, his arm braced over my shoulders.

Then we stop. Because four of those frigging bird things are hovering in the air in front of us.

The kid's voice giggles again. "Seriously? Did you really think I was just going to let you run away?" Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

 **⇒ keep her talking**

"Look!" I yell. "Just what the hell is it with you and Shirou anyway?! Why do you know his name?!"

"Let's just say... he took something that was mine." There's an edge in her voice now. I obviously touched a nerve.

"How?! He says he's never met you before!"

"I'm not required to explain myself to a mere rando," she snaps. "You've performed adequately as a retainer, but your obligation ends here. Give me Shirou or die."

Let's try a different tact. "Uh..." I eye the birds. "How?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean... those things probably can't lift him, right?" I wave vaguely towards the golf cart. "And you just totaled our ride, so..."

"Um." This seems to give her pause. I may have just stumbled across mage Kryptonite: practical thinking.

 **⇒ rocks and glass houses dude**

Speaking of impractical, Shirou keeps struggling like he's trying to say something. Probably wants to give himself up heroically or some crap. Looks like that wound in his chest isn't doing him any favors when he's standing up, though.

"Oh, of course." The kid sounds like she just remembered her keys have been right in front of her the whole time. "Silly me. How could I forget - it's not like I need _all_ of him."

One of the birds morphs into a long, very sharp-looking sword. "Uh..." I stare. "Wait, _what..._ "

Three birds - including the sword - blow up in mid-air.

"ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MAXIMUM NO CHILL!" Rin shouts triumphantly. Oh thank God.

 **⇒ cue the calvary**

I'd like to nominate that catchphrase for the most beautiful sound in the history of ever, please. The last bird dives out of the way. Archer easily picks it off.

Rin strides towards us. "Where's Baeber?"

"Uh - at the school," I say. "With Beserker." If she's still alive, anyway...

"Archer - go back up Saber!" Rin orders.

"You sure about that?" Archer eyes the four additional birds now arcing over a nearby row of houses towards us.

"Positive. Now move!" Archer vanishes. Rin looks at me. "You - get Shirou inside! I'll handle this."

"Yes, ma'am." No arguing with that look in her eyes. Kinda reminds me of my mom on laundry day. I pull Shirou down the street as she turns and cracks her knuckles.

"Compassion from a Tohsaka?" the little girl's voice says as the birds close in. "Will wonders never cease."

"Can it!" Rin shouts. I hear that distinctive _pew pew_ noise her magic missile thing makes.

We finally reach Rin's front door. I turn back to see her taking cover behind this huge glowing gem floating in midair as the two remaining birds fire down at her.

"Now listen up, you little demon!" Rin yells. "I know you're around here somewhere! Under the terms of the ancient contract between the Tohsaka and von Einzbern families, I hereby ban you from this estate! Our ancestors agreed that we'd never attack each other's houses, not even during Grail Wars, remember? So _get off my front lawn, bitch!_ "

"Mmh, yeah," the little girl's voice says. "Here's the thing about that, Rin..."

I see a flash of white out of the corner of my eye. Before I can even think of reacting, it's over.

"... that wasn't so much a _contract_ as it was an _informal agreement._ "

The green gem dissolves into sparks. Rin stands in the street, the point of the white sword sticking out of her chest. She tries to speak, but nothing comes out. She falls to her knees, blood soaking into her red jacket. All I can do is stare and watch, frozen.

"And so ends the Tohsaka line. What a disappointment," the von Einzbern girl says dreamily. "Given the long history between our families, though, I will give you this much... a proper sendoff, worthy of a mage." There's the sound of a finger snap.

The blade stabbed through Rin's back explodes. The fireball consumes the width of the street. When the smoke clears, there's nothing left. Just a crater and a few scraps of ash.

That... that really just happened. Didn't it.

 **⇒ get inside**

Too late. "There." One of the birds alights onto the front gate. "Scattered amid the dirt, right where she belongs. As for you _gentlemen_... consider yourselves lucky. There's some charms on the actual house that I can't break through right now. Not without Beserker, anyway.

"But rest assured, Shirou... I will be back to collect what's left of you. Just as soon as _my_ Servant's finished tearing _yours_ into tiny, greasy little chunks. Ta ta!"

The bird flies off into the night.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**  
 **⇒ handle the damage**

"Why?"

I look up from trying to bandage up Shirou's foot, a task complicated by the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. "Why what?"

Shirou stares out into space. "Why didn't you just hand me over?"

"Uh..." The question catches me off guard. We're in the entrance hall of Rin's house, just beyond the door. She must've known we were coming somehow. Even left out a first aid kit for us. "I... I dunno. Kind of seemed like she had it in for you, man."

Shirou's eyes are - shit. They're just dead. Empty. "I shouldn't have run from her. I should never have let you talk me into it."

"Well... what else were we supposed to do?"

"Die."

"And the hell would that have done?!"

"Doesn't matter." He shrugs. "Rin would still be alive. That's the important thing."

I have no idea what to say to that. "Dude..."

"Just leave me alone." He shuts his eyes. "I'm sick of your voice."

Well... I've put tape and gauze around everything that seems to be actively bleeding. I get up and leave him slumped over on the chair by the front door.

Time to deal with my _own_ impending breakdown, I guess. Joy. It's all okay, I tell myself over and over. She'll be fine. Any moment now, the loop will reset. I'll go back. She'll be fine, and none of this'll have happened. Any minute now. Annny minute.

Wait. What time is it?

I pull my cell phone out of my pocket. The front reads 12:06 AM.

 **⇒ welcome to tuesday**

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _More tomorrow-ish._


	9. I:9

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.9

 **⇒ continue: iteration 16, day 5, early morning**

Am... am I out? Oh, shit. What if I'm out?! What if there's no reset this time? Was - was getting Rin killed my win condition? What the _hell_ kind of fucked-up shit is that?!

Holy shit. I can't breathe. I think I'm going to throw up. Getting chills all over. I'm -

 **⇒ don't freak out**

How am I supposed to _NOT FREAK OUT?!_ Rin's fucking _dead!_ Saber and Archer, too, probably! And Shirou's right, it's all my fault - I didn't mean to but - and it could be for keeps this time! How is that not something worth freaking out over?!

 **⇒ get some rest**

... all right. I feel really tired anyway, now that you mention it.

I go upstairs and hole up inside a dusty guest bedroom. I guess I sleep some. I can't really tell. At one point I wake up and I check my cell phone for the time. Display reads 6:12 am. I stay there, huddled beneath the stale, itchy covers, and watch my phone as the seconds tick by and the battery level winds down.

6:35 am. I feel hungry.

6:41 am. Parents call me. I don't pick up.

7:12 am. They call me again, this time from their cell phones. Same.

7:35 am. I should probably go check up on Shirou or something.

8:01 am. I should probably go do a lot of things. I don't.

 **⇒ do you get it now though**

Get what?

 **⇒ how you can lose here**

What do you mean? Like... now? Like, I could exit the loop without knowing it, and wind up in some godawful mess of a future I've made for myself?

 **⇒ it's a possibility**  
 **⇒ but more than that**

Just tell me, all right? I'm really not in the mood for the whole Socratic guessing game thing.

 **⇒ even if the loop continues**  
 **⇒ you can still get hurt**

Well, duh. How many times have I died now?

 **⇒ not physical pain**  
 **⇒ you can see things that hurt you**

... yeah.

 **⇒ or worse yet**  
 **⇒ you could just stop caring altogether**

Wait... wouldn't that be a _good_ thing for us, though? Then we wouldn't have to feel this way.

 **⇒ is that who you want to be**

I don't... look, this is stupid. We don't even know if I'm even in the loop anymore. So why even talk about this if -

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 17, day 1, early night**

Oh.

Oh thank God. I never thought I'd be this happy to be back here again. Holy shit.

 **⇒ take a moment**  
 **⇒ catch your breath**

Okay, okay. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathing. Centering myself. Fuck.

... so what does this mean? I'm still in the loop, but the reset point has moved forward in time? By about ten hours or so, I think. What caused it? Was it Rin's death? Is this like a blood magic thing?

 **⇒ think carefully**  
 **⇒ are you sure this is the first loop that's been like this**

Huh... I guess there's no way for me to be sure of that, come to think of it. Both of the loops prior to the last one got cut short by me dying. The reset before last, I got myself killed by that magic seal thing. And before _that_ , I was...

... wait.

Lancer.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Shirou answers the door, same as usual. "Uh, yeah?"

I know exactly what I need to say. But for some reason the words stick in my throat this time. Fuck, I'm tired.

"Wait... I know you, right?" Shirou tilts his head. "Tomo... nagi, wasn't it? Uh... can I help you with something?"

Oh, whatever. I sigh and rub my eyes. "Archer, don't fuck with me tonight, okay? Please? I'm kind of having a rough time."

Emiya blinks. "Uh..."

"So Rin and Saber are in there, right?" I motion towards the kitchen behind him. "Could I see them? It's important."

He stares at me. "How do you..."

"I'll explain in a second. Promise." I push him in front of me as I head through the door and towards the kitchen. "Just... let me tell you, man. I have seen some _shit._ "

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"And you think Lancer is the key?" Saber tilts her head. "Are you certain?"

"No." I scratch my head. "But it's the closest thing to a pattern I can see right now. Maybe his spear... like... generates this Z-energy stuff my uncle talked about. And that's what's doing this to me."

"So in that case, the loop extended because he stabbed you." Rin taps her finger against the table. Alive and in one piece, as expected. Thank God, again. "Which gave you more energy."

"I guess?" Wait - so would that mean I'd have to get stabbed by Lancer again to confirm this? Really not liking the sound of that idea. "It's just my working hypothesis. Anyway, is there anything else you can tell me about Lancer?"

"Nothing that you don't already seem to know, I'm afraid." Saber shrugs. "He gave little indication about who his Master is, nor what their objectives are. Apart from winning the War, of course."

"I dunno," Shirou says. "Whoever he is, he seems to be really into mage law."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just... Lancer attacked me twice tonight." Shirou scratches the big bloody gash through his jacket. "The first time was at school earlier. He said it was to keep things secret, the way mage law says. Still not really sure how I survived that, to be honest..." Rin sips her tea carefully. "Then he followed me home and tried _again,_ even though I showed him I was a mage. He said something about it being out of professional pride, but I'm not sure I buy that..."

"Maybe he could tell you were a Master by then?" Rin asks.

Emiya shakes his head. "I didn't summon Saber until _after_ he attacked me. Well, kind of while he was attacking me, I mean."

"Huh. Weird," I say. "Guess they're all about secrecy, then." In fact, I wonder if that was the reason why Lancer killed _me_ before. It would make sense.

"So his Master's a mage." Rin raises an eyebrow. "Brilliant deduction, noobs."

"I guess..." Except it'd really felt like Lancer had _specifically_ sought me out. Knew my name and everything. Almost like...

 **⇒ like it was his master's job to keep the war secret**

"... hey, Rin?" I ask. "About this Kotomine guy... there's rules against him being a Master himself, right?"

She snorts. "Well, _doy._ Wouldn't be much of a referee if he was also a player, would he?"

"Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that he _was_ a Master somehow. Is there any way you'd be able to tell?"

"Why?" Rin snaps. "It's completely impossible. The Grail's been hardwired to consider the Church a neutral third party ever since the Second War. And even if that _wasn't_ the case, Kotomine probably wouldn't be eligible _anyway_ , since he already _was_ a master back... in... the last war..."

Her voice drops off as the contradiction dawns on her. I look back and forth between her and Shirou. "So... yeah."

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 17, day 2, morning**

Rin says she has some stuff she wants to check out. Given our little talk about Kotomine, she decides to skip the trip to church. It's not like I can't tell Shirou everything he would've learned from Kotomine anyway. (This time, though, I wait until _after_ Rin's safely out of earshot.)

After that, it's back to the meditation stuff for me. Shirou also has some stuff to work on in that regard. When I'd described that trance state I found him in during the last loop, Rin said that it sounded like a long-range hypnotic charm of some sort. ("It's something that rookie mages are particularly vulnerable to," she'd said with a smirk. "Magic can have a strong influence over the weak-minded."

" _Star Wars: A New Hope_ ," I replied. "Nice."

"Star what? Anyway, there's some stuff you can do to prepare yourself against it. I'll tell you about it, but only because it'd be embarrassing seeing someone fall for a cheap parlor trick like that.")

So we're in the dojo this time. (Yeah, Emiya has his own freaking _dojo._ ) Personally speaking, though, not really having an easy time concentrating today.

 **⇒ ask shirou what his deal is**

"Hey, Emiya?" I ask.

"Yeah?" On the other side of the room, he opens one eye.

"So last time, you said this one thing I've been wondering about." I'd been... vague when telling him and Rin on what'd happened after Beserker ambushed us. Didn't seem necessary for them to know _exactly_ how bad things went. "Something about... uh... not being unattached to life? Sounded like you were referencing something."

He thinks for a second. "Oh. Was it: 'if a warrior is not unattached to life and death, he will be of no use whatsoever'?" He rattles off the line like it's second nature to him.

"Think so, yeah. What's it from?"

"This old book my dad left me. The _Hagakure._ "

 _Hagakure_... I _know_ I've heard of that somewhere before. In school, in a humanities or history class or something. It's...

... oh. Right.

Something finally clicks for me. It's not just about Batman for Shirou. It's about _bushido._

 **⇒ explain**

The old samurai code. The _Hagakure_ is a book about it. It's kind of hard to describe if you're not Japanese. It's about putting your ideals before your own life. Absolute loyalty and sacrifice. Death before dishonor. Stuff like that. It comes up a lot in period dramas.

 **⇒ is it a big deal**

Kind of? For me, at least, it's more like... cultural background noise, I guess? I know what it is, and I know that it's a thing. But I've personally never really thought about it all that much. It _used_ to be a huge deal back during the Second World War, of course. To the point that it's almost been a problem. Like, this one thing I read - some creator commentary on an anime, I think - said that _bushido_ before the war represented everything a Japanese man was supposed to be. When we lost, though, it kind of shattered that whole belief system. Ever since then, this guy said, we haven't really known what to do with ourselves. On a cultural level or whatever. (After that, it mostly just turned into a rant about kids these days and the decline in societal values and what the hell is up with these new game shows, but in any case.)

 **⇒ so what does this have to do with shirou**

A lot of the way he reacts to stuff makes a lot more sense when you factor _bushido_ into this hero of justice thing he's trying to become. (I guess I focused too much on the whole Batman thing. Sure, Batman has samurai-like aspects, but he's more than willing to fight dirty if it helps save people, you know? Straight-up _bushido_ doesn't really let you to do stuff like that, I think.)

Like... of course Shirou would hate relying on Saber to fight for him. A real warrior should be strong enough to fight his own battles and value his comrades' lives above his own. (I guess throwing himself into the fight _with_ Saber is kind of his way of trying to find a middle ground? Even if he's more likely to get in her way more than anything.) Of course he'd think running from Beserker was a mistake, because a samurai never flees from an enemy, no matter how terrible the odds are.

 **⇒ but doesn't that make victory less likely**

Yeah, but that's not supposed to matter. It's hard to put into words. It's like... it's the _ideal_ that matters above all else. Victory or defeat is comparatively unimportant by comparison, so long as you act correctly.

 **⇒ that doesn't seem very realistic**

Yeah, but that's part of it too. Reality is something you're supposed to _overcome,_ I guess, through pure willpower and awesomeness. It's like... if you don't win, oh well, you clearly just didn't _bushido_ hard enough, them's the breaks. But at least you acted the way you were supposed to. Like a real man.

(Guess it makes sense Shirou would glom onto that stuff, actually... he had to grow up at least part of the way without his dad, right? So he'd need something else to tell him the way he's supposed to act. Some way to fill in the blanks.)

 **⇒ so are you going to talk to him about it**

I dunno. _Should_ I? I mean, is any of this even any of my business? And who am I to criticize, anyway? - Also, I've kind of been sitting here just thinking for a while. Shirou's shut his eyes again.

I need to think about it some more. Find the right way to bring it up. Something better than just saying, "oh, hey, last loop it kinda looked like you were trying to get yourself killed, what's up with that." Reading up a little on _bushido_ probably wouldn't hurt either...

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 17, day 4, late morning**

"So I got in touch with some people," Rin says. She's pulled me and Shirou out onto the roof during lunch. "Called in a few favors."

Shirou raises an eyebrow. "You have favors to call in?"

"My family does." She pushes her hair back. "One or two old debts in Rome that I really, _really_ didn't want to have to use for this... not to mention, a bunch of money I really didn't want to have to spend..." She shakes her head. "But anyway. Kotomine can't be a Master. There's no way."

I narrow my eyes. "How can you be sure?"

"Because someone in the Church leaked me some details on the six registered Masters. Two - including me - are Japanese mages. Three are from Europe. One's from China. _All_ of them are known members of the Mage's Association with no official ties to the Church. Add in Mr. Unregistered here -" She points her thumb at Shirou. "- and that's a full seven. Not a priest to be found."

"Even if that's true, you still seem pretty worried about this," Shirou says. I nod in agreement. That's a good point. Him and me, we're getting pretty good at double-teaming Rin like this - and oh wow is that something I should never ever say out loud, especially phrased like that.

 **⇒ yeah could we not**

"Well, doy!" Rin throws up her hands. "Because if Kirei _was_ a Master, we'd be completely _fucked!_ Trust me. He trained me, so I know what I'm talking about. The Church made him an Executor when he was _ten years old._ Those are the people they send after vampires and demons and stuff!"

I blink. "Wait. Vampires are a thing?"

"On top of that, he has access to the leftover Command Seals," Rin continues. Wokay, guess we're just moving right along here. "As overseers of the Grail War, the Church supervisor takes possession of any unused seals and passes them down to their successors. During future wars, they can hand them out as rewards if they need the Masters to cooperate with them on something. But if the supervisor _is_ a Master, he'd be able to use them all for himself! It'd completely break the whole system!"

I nod. "I can see why that might need to be nerfed some, yeah."

Shirou hesitates. "But even if all that's correct... we still can't be _completely_ sure he's not secretly a Master, can we? What if he found some way past the system? Like, say he managed to name himself as an eighth Master or something."

"Impossible. The Grail doesn't work that way." I get the feeling Rin is trying to convince herself of that just as much as she is us.

"Well..." I glance down at my hand. "I guess there's one other thing we could try..."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

The priest looks up as I walk into the church that night. "Yes? Can I help you?"

"Hi." I run my hand through my hair. "Yeah. I'd like to sign up for this whole Christianity thing, please."

(This particular angle had naturally been Rin's idea. "He's a priest!" she'd insisted. "Saving heathens is their whole thing. It'll be like dangling raw steak in front of a wolf." Not a metaphor I felt entirely comfortable with at the time... but it's not like I had any better ideas.)

"I see." Kotomine raises an eyebrow. "That is indeed wonderful news. If I could have your name, Mister... ?"

"Matou," I say. "Um. Spike Matou."

(What? I've already died once giving this guy my name. Besides, even if I am nearly about to loop again, I don't want to end up on any mailing lists.)

 **⇒ yeah next time maybe try using a name that doesn't belong to a prominent area family**

" _Spike_ Matou," Kotomine says dryly. "I take it, then, that you accept the existence of God the Heavenly Father, creator of the earth and all of the heavens?"

"Sure."

"And in His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; who suffered under Pontius Pilate, died on the cross, and rose again after three days?"

"Okay."

I really don't know if Rin has the right read on this guy. He mostly just sounds kind of bored, like he's rattling off economic statistics. "I take it you're also familiar with the doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church. For example, that of the Holy Trinity, wherein the one God is expressed in the persons of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, existing together in a state of _consubstantialis._ "

"I... guess?" I'm starting to get the idea I could have done with a bit of research before I came in here. Not that I haven't had more than enough on my plate in that regard over the last day or two.

Kotomine tilts his head. "You accept, then, the exclusive right of the Church to absolve you of your mortal and venial sins through the Sacrament of Penance? You agree to enter into the communion of saints, as it exists throughout earth, in heaven, and within purgatory? Do you trust in the sacred mystery of transubstantiation, through which the offerings of bread and wine are converted into the _literal_ flesh and blood of Jesus Christ?"

I finally read the mood. "You're making some of that up, aren't you."

"Try to guess which one."

"Yeah, all right," I grumble. "Fine. I surrender. You win."

"Might I suggest... _Spike_... that if you have a genuine interest in our faith, you might perhaps consider joining us for Mass before you schedule a baptism. Our calendar of events is posted over by the exit." Kotomine brushes off one of his sleeves. "Now, if you'll excuse me... I have other duties to attend to."

"I'll think about it." Okay, moment of truth. "Um. Good talk, though? I guess?..."

I offer him my hand.

I hold my breath. He eyes my hand for a second. Then... reluctantly... reaches out and takes it.

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ download complete**

 _"- the hell?" Lancer staggers to his knees. "I never agreed to -"_

 _"You didn't have to." I cut him off. "The contract has been transferred to me in full. Don't concern yourself with the how."_

 _His face hardens. "Where is she? What did you do to her?"_

 _"She sends her regards." I give him a jaunty little wave - with his former Master's severed hand. "I wouldn't blame yourself, Lancer. Your countrymen have something of a soft spot for men of the cloth these days. If it helps, she didn't suffer for long." That's a lie, of course. Pity Gilgamesh had to get involved. I was really starting to enjoy myself there..._

 _"You..." He seems to be visibly shaking with rage. Perhaps he's on the verge of one of his famed_ ríastrads. _He keeps his voice low and dangerous, though, to make sure that I know he means every word. "I swear on the hand of my father Lugh and on the name of my mother, I am going to tear the black heart straight from your chest..."_

 _"You will not," I say, invoking another Command Seal. "In fact, as long as our contract is in effect, you won't lay so much as a finger on me. And while we're at it, you will not fail to kill anyone I order you to execute - provided, of course, your Noble Phantasm is effective against them. I_ am _willing to be reasonable, you know." Yet another Seal burns away. I'll have to try and cap it at that. Four is more than enough for one day._ Modestia vestra nota sit omnibus, _after all._

 _He glowers at me silently, his eyes burning with hatred._

 _"Oh, don't give me that look. You of all people should be used to working under a_ gaes. _Besides, think of it this way - you finally have a wish for the Grail now, don't you?" I toss the severed hand down in front of him. He shifts his eyes. "Play along and we stand a reasonable chance of winning the war. Don't and - well. I can do this all day if I have to." I show him the dozens of remaining Command Seals on my arm. Carrot, meet stick._

 _Lancer narrows his eyes. "Why are you doing this? What do you want from the Grail?"_

 _No reason not to tell him, I suppose. "The answer to a particular question," I say. "Nothing more."_

 _"That's it?"_

 _"That's all I need." Well, that's not entirely true. But that's the lovely part about all of this. Even if I'm not able to make my wish, I still get_ most _of what I want..._

* * *

ZZRRRP

And then the next thing I know, Kotomine's holding a long thin blade up against my throat. "Interesting trick," he says, a gleam in his eye. "I was wondering what you were playing at. You _do_ realize, however, that even minor divinations can be detected with the right preparations."

Shit. "Um..."

"Now. Who sent you?" He takes ahold of my shoulder with his free hand and _twists._ My arm explodes in pain. Fuck. Ow. "If it helps you feel more at home, I can always start _trimming._ Taking a little off the top, as it were..."

"- him!" I squeal. "It's him! I saw it. It's definitely him."

"Him? What do you mean by -"

That's when he glances down and notices the microphone attached to the inside of my shirt collar.

 **⇒ dare i ask how you managed to get a wire on short notice**

More random eBay purchases. Specifically, this cheap spy gadget toy for kids I got last year. I wanted to see if I could mod it.

 **⇒ and that actually worked**

Eh, kinda? I did manage to extend the range by a dozen meters or so. But the microphone sucks and it's hardwired in, so it can't be replaced. And it transmits on the same frequency as this college station a couple of towns over, so the sound quality really varies depending on where you are.

Kotomine narrows his eyes in irritation. "Really?"

I shrug and give him a sheepish look. "You know how it is. No one expects the Spanish -"

Saber kicks the doors to the church open.

"- inquisition," I finish lamely. Dammit. Could've timed that better.

Kotomine sighs and shoves me away. It looks like a fairly slight motion on his part, but it's enough to send me sprawling into the first row of pews. (Painfully, I should mention. Again, ow.) The priest turns to face Saber, blade in hand, as the Masters rush in behind her.

"Rin. I really should have known." Kotomine cracks his neck. "I will admit, the new minions threw me off guard. And _Saber!_ Now, this truly is unexpected. Still wearing that ridiculous dress, I see."

"And I see _you're_ still a disgrace to the frock you wear," Saber says coldly. Wait, so they know each other?

"You obviously haven't been keeping up with the headlines." Three more blades materialize in Kotomine's hand. He holds each one in between his fingers, like makeshift Wolverine claws. "I expect the Church would be glad for a few more _functional_ sociopaths in the ranks these days."

"Oh, I doubt anyone's going to miss _you._ " Saber points the tip of her sword at him. "Once I've cleansed your _filth_ from -"

" _Chill,_ Joan of Arc." Rin steps past her. "I don't get it, Kirei."

("Why does everyone say that?" Saber mutters in the background. "I just don't see the resemblance...")

"This scheme's enough to have both the Church _and_ the Mage's Association clambering for your head on a stick. What could possibly be worth getting into that kind of trouble?"

"I have my reasons." Kotomine smirks. "And as for the rest - believe it or not, Rin, there's quite a number of things in this world that I know and you do not."

"Oh, yeah?!" she snaps. "And is one of those _things_ how to spend my inheritance, you lying -"

Shirou coughs. "Not that this isn't nice and all, but if this guy's Lancer's Master, where is he?"

"Who knows." Another four blades appear in the priest's other hand. "Am I my Servant's Keeper, Mister... sorry, who are you supposed to be again?"

Suddenly, Kotomine goes reeling back with a gasp. Exactly as if he's just been sucker-punched.

"Not gonna lie." Archer decloaks next to Kotomine, smugly rubbing his knuckles. "I have to rate that as one of the more satisfying acts of violence I've experienced. Easily in my personal top ten."

"Mmm-hmm." Rin gives him a knowing look. "Get a lot of joy out of beating up priests, _Not_ Actually Satan?"

"Bite me, Rin."

Kotomine spits out some blood and rises back up, a razor-thin smile on his face. "Cheap shot." He rubs his jaw. "Kind of like this one, in fact."

Both Saber and Archer raise their eyes. Too late, though - Lancer appears over Archer's head, hurdling through the air. He slashes his spear down at the other Servant's shoulder. Archer grunts and leaps back, clutching a nasty-looking wound on one arm.

"So." Lancer lands next to the priest and twirls his spear around before clasping it at the ready. "Does a situation like this mean I finally get to stop holding back... _Master?_ "

"By all means, Lancer." Kotomine stands up straight and goes into a fighting stance.

I take this opportunity to creep down to the other end of the pew, then sneak my way along the wall towards the back of the church. Seems like the thing to do.

At least, right up until the wall next to me explodes inward.

Once again, I'm hurled down onto the floor. A cut on my forehead starts to bleed down into my eyes. I look up, blinking and coughing, through the new hole in the wall. Oh, for fuck's sake. _Again?_

"A surprise church social? And you didn't invite _me?_ " Behind Beserker, the von Einzbern brat affects a wounded look. "And here I thought for sure I'd signed up for the newsletter."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So about the extended philosophical digression in this chapter: I recently realized that a lot of Shirou's more, err,_ questionable _decisions in the game and anime really only make sense if his heroic ideal specifically incorporates_ bushido. _(In fact, I'm fairly certain the visual novel explicitly describes itself as a_ bushido _simulator at one point, doesn't it?) That was enough to make me take pause. I tend to think that any time you write about a culture you're not part of, you owe it to both the reader and yourself to be as careful as possible. It's way too easy to castigate what's different and alien to you without really understanding it. So I had to sit down and rethink my approach to Shirou. (Not I expect that it matters much to all ten or twenty of you actually reading this story... but I still feel compelled to put in a good-faith effort when and where I can.)_

 _Tom's thoughts here are based on both (a) my own reading of the philosophy of_ bushido _and (b) my best guess as to what a fairly Westernized Japanese teenager circa 2007 would have to say on the subject. For all I know, I could be completely off-base on both, so take it with a grain of salt. As always, I would appreciate anyone who knows more about the subject correcting any inaccuracies of mine in the comments._

 _In a similar vein, I regret that I am unable to be quite as sensitive to Catholicism, as I am limited by Kotomine's canon character and motivations. (As well as by Rin being, well, Rin.) But I'm going to at least try to be accurate with regards to the Church's theology and practices... even if there's no real getting around the fact that they totally have a militarized vampire- and demon-hunting division in this universe._

 _The Chinese Master Rin mentions here is intended to be a reference to the person destined or chosen to be Assassin's Master, who supposedly Caster hunted down and killed before the start of the story._

 _Yes, all of the theological points Kotomine brings up are real. He's just trolling Tom at that point._

 _Technically, the TYPE MOON wiki says that a contract between a Master and Servant can't be formed without the Servant's express consent. But given what we see of Lancer, I have a hard time seeing him willingly agree to work with Kotomine after the latter backstabs his previous Master. So that's why I just have Kotomine swipe the contract along with the Command Seals here and subsequently use a bunch of them to get Lancer to fall in line._

 _The bit of Latin Kotomine quotes here is from the Catholic Nova Vulgata version of Philippians 4:5 - "let your moderation be known unto all men."_

 _Is Saber Catholic? I'm genuinely not sure. Given the time period she's supposed to be from, she could also be an Arian or Semi-Arian Christian instead. Either way, I imagine the health of the_ mystici corporis Christi _would be of some concern to her. And that she'd accordingly take a dim view of Kotomine abusing his position/authority._


	10. I:10

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.10

 **⇒ continue: iteration 17, day 4, early night**

Oh my God, I am so completely _done_ with these two. As quietly as I can manage, I scramble on my hands and knees towards the back of the church, trying to avoid thinking about the mess I've just made of my pants. Beserker and von Einzbern seem to ignore me, at least.

"Miss Illyasviel. What a pleasant surprise." Kotomine's tone makes it clear he considers it anything but. "I don't suppose you might be willing consider an alliance against these heathens?"

"And deny Beserker the chance to crush _three_ Servants at once?" The little girl smirks. "I'd never hear the end of it."

The priest sighs. "I thought you might say that. Temporary truce, Rin?"

"You suck, Kirei!" Rin snaps. But she doesn't say no.

"Rest assured, this is _only_ until the common threat is dealt with."

"God, whatever," Lancer grouses. He pivots towards Beserker, his spear tucked behind his back. "Someone just hit something already."

It's at this point I decide I should probably take my leave. I shoot Rin and Shirou an apologetic look - they don't even notice me - and head out.

But I hesitate by the door. I pull the mike-and-transmitter rig out from under my shirt and slide it down across the floor beneath the pews. I leave the building just as Beserker brings down his club onto Saber's blade, hard enough that I can feel the shockwave jar some of my teeth loose.

* * *

 **⇒ explain**

I know, I know. I _should_ be in there, taking notes or gathering intel or whatever. Beserker and Lancer are there, new stuff's happening. I guess I've just plain used up my supply of bravery for the day, though.

So I split the difference. Just as I hoped, it looks like Shirou and the rest left the receiver - the other half of the toy that picks up the wire's signal - right by the church gates. This was the part I modified the most heavily, adding some audio controls I scavanged from an old sound board and giving it a proper antenna. Not exactly the most portable gear ever, but it gets the job done. I turn the receiver back on and slip the headphones over my ears.

 **⇒ works**

I'm immediately rewarded with a painful howl of feedback as Beserker roars and a gigantic crash rips through my head. Ow x 3. A wooden support column busts through one of the windows on the side of the church. Yeah, better keep one hand on the volume dimmer here...

I make an adjustment. "Master! Stay back!" I hear Saber call out through the headphones.

"Just tell me what I can do!" Shirou says.

"You can _start_ by staying out of my fire zone!" Rin snaps. Two of her black bolts burst through the church's _other_ side and speed off into the night.

"Aww, what's the matter, Shirou?" von Einzbern croons mockingly at the edge of my hearing. Huh. The pickup on this mike's a lot better than I remember. "Feeling useless already?"

I hear the sounds of blades crashing into each other. More impacts. Saber grunting. Archer spits out a curse. It's a bit like listening to a drama CD. Or maybe a baseball game without the commentary.

"Watch it!" Shirou yells. "He's got another -"

"I see it -"

"FUCK -"

" _I can feel it comin' in the air tonight..._ "

Shit! Sorry, sorry, wrong button. I hit it again and banish Phil Collins from whence he came. In the meantime, a church pew erupts partway out of the roof, where it just kind of sticks in place.

"- got something for this," Lancer rasps as I get things tuned again. "Just gimme a second here..."

"Fine," Saber says. "Archer - let's go."

Archer grunts. There's a bunch more clanging. Something gets crushed. I see some kind of unearthly glow start to build inside the church, its light spilling out the various holes now in the walls.

"... hey. Where'd the priest go?" Shirou asks.

Everything suddenly goes dead silent.

"That's not the same attack you used before," Saber says quietly. "Is it, Lancer."

"... sorry, everyone." Lancer sounds more embarrassed than anything. "Command Seal."

"I really don't care for that guy," Archer says flatly.

The front of the church evaporates in a burst of red and orange light. I barely have time to stand up before the blast wave hits me -

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 18, day 1, early night**

Well... balls. So that's twice in a row I've gotten everyone killed, probably. Achievement unlocked, I guess. Go me.

 **⇒ at least you learned something this time**

There is that, yeah. Well... let's get to work.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Yeah, I know, kind of short. Just felt like it dragged on way too long when I put it at the end of the last chapter. The next one should make up for it, though._


	11. I:11

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.11

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

"Good evening." The little girl curtsies. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Illyasviel von Einzbern. And this is my Servant, Berserker. It seems that one of you has me at a disadvantage... if strictly in the metaphorical sense."

"Hi." I wave from behind Shirou and Rin. "Non-combatant retainer here. I'm pathetic. Kill me last, please."

She giggles. "Oh, I make no promises. Berserker?"

The gorilla next to her hurls himself into the air, a missile of pure rage and madness rocketing straight towards us.

 **⇒ record scratch**

So you may be wondering how I got here...

 **⇒ not really**  
 **⇒ was kinda there the whole time dude**

Oh, c'mon. I'm doing a bit. This is my mind. I can't do a bit when I want to?

 **⇒ knock yourself out chief**

 _Thank_ you. Anyway, wasn't I way past done with Berserker and Creepy Child? Wasn't I all focused on Lancer and stuff?

Yeah, so, about that...

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 17, day 2, afternoon**

... okay, this whole meditation thing really isn't working out for me right now. I keep seeing Rin getting that shiv in the back. Can't concentrate at all.

I think this might really be messing me up.

 **⇒ sucks**

It's like - I _know_ she's okay. I've seen her and all. But it's like I can't convince myself of that, you know? My lizard brain or whatever.

 **⇒ so what you gonna do about it**

I dunno. Wait and see if it gets better, I guess? I keep thinking about Berserker and that genderbent Damian wannabe. Mind keeps circling back to them.

I think... I might want to get even? This is sort of a new experience for me.

 **⇒ so revenge**

I guess? Dumb as that is. I mean, this is _Berserker_ we're talking about. Saber and Not Actually Satan can barely manage to get a _draw_ against the guy, and that's only because Scary Little Devil Girl gets _bored._ I'm a normie with a memory-hack cantrip. There's no way anything I could come up would even scratch him.

... right?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

"So after you leave the church, you're gonna run into the Berserker Servant," I say to the three others around the Emiya kitchen table. "Wanna know how to beat him?"

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

Archer's missiles intercept Berserker in midair, right on schedule. (How do you even make _arrows_ curve in flight? Eh. Magic. Moving on.) Like always, the explosion somehow sends the bruiser crashing down into the field to our left. We're standing at the top of a kind of terraced slope, on the brick-lined street leading away from the church. The field is a level down from us, standing above the highway at the very bottom of the hill. To our right is the Foreigners' Cemetery, while Little Miss Terror stands between us and the church's front gates. Same scenario I've seen before.

 _Unlike_ what I've seen before, however, Archer's volley seems a lot more scattershot. I hear explosions further down the hill behind us. Also unlike before, Saber's ready to go. She immediately throws off the poncho and charges at Berserker, keeping herself between us and the giant.

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 17, day 3, morning**

This whole line of thought is just stupid. I mean, Berserker is a freaking _tank._ Both class-wise and in terms of build. He's like Golden Age Superman and the Hulk wrapped into a single, constantly steroid-raging package. Oh, _and_ with Wolverine regeneration! How the hell do you beat something like that?

 **⇒ well what stops tanks**

Um, bigger tanks? Close air support? Budget cuts? I'm gonna need some more to go on here.

 **⇒ all i'm saying is maybe look into it**

Get my military otaku on, you mean?... Well, I _guess_ I could do that. If you think it could help.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 18, day 2, early morning**

"So riddle me this, nerd," Rin snarls. She presses an accusing index finger right in between my eyes. It's the hand she does the _pew pew_ thing with, so I'm pretty sure this is the mage equivalent of sticking a gun in my face. "If this whole time loop story of yours isn't a big ol' load of _bullshit_ \- then how the _fuck_ did you not know Berserker was waiting for us right outside the church?!"

I swallow. I had a feeling this part was going to be rough. "Um. Actually. I did know."

" _What?!_ "

Her reaction's understandable, when you think about it. They've just gotten back from their trip to the church. Over by the kitchen doorway, Saber supports an unconscious Emiya by herself. So from Rin's point of view, I just sent them into a potentially deadly situation without any forewarning. Which did feel kind of wrong and weird, even though it would have happened _anyway_ if I didn't show up at all... man. Time travel ethics, you know? They're a thing.

"But I also knew you'd all make it back, okay?!" I blurt out. "Emiya'll be fine in the morning, I promise. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you this time, but I'm trying to plan something and I needed a clean run. Which is why I _also_ couldn't tell you that Lancer's Master is Kotomine until now."

"Kotomine's... _what?_ " Rin stares at me.

"It's broken, I know. Again, sorry." She hasn't shot me yet, at least, so I keep going. "And also, if you didn't have this fight tonight, bad things can happen. Like a few loops ago, we skipped the church and then the scary little girl turned up and killed you on Monday night in this really fucked-up way. And that memory's been kind of messing with my head? Like, emotionally. So yeah."

Across the room, Saber blinks and glances between the two of us. Okay, maybe a little more information than I really meant to volunteer there...

Rin slowly lowers her hand, her eyes narrowed. "... what do you mean by a _clean run?_ "

"I mean that I need to know how things go down in that fight if I don't interfere _at all._ " I pick up the pen and pad I set out on Shirou's kitchen table. "As soon as Emiya's patched up - I need you both to tell me _exactly_ what just happened, okay? In as much detail as you can."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

"Oh, _come on._ " In the same kitchen one loop later, Rin crosses her arms. "This is ridiculous! I don't care if you're Shin's relative or whatever. I _just_ met you! Why should we listen to any of this?"

I pause in the midst of sketching out a little map of the area around the church. Think fast. "I'll admit... I know it's asking a lot for you to trust me with your lives right off the bat like this..."

She snorts. "Gee, you think?!"

I get a sudden burst of inspiration. "But the real question is, though... are you willing to trust _yourself?_ "

"Huh?" She furrows her brow.

"This isn't my plan, Rin," I say. "It's _yours._ You came up with all this at the end of the last loop. I'm just the messenger here."

This is technically what we in the business call a lie, though I did ask Rin for input on the whole thing. Who cares about the credit, though - I just want to see Berserker go down.

"Well..." She uncrosses her arms. "That's different, then."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

"Running away now, boss!" I shout as Berserker and Saber lock blades.

"Whatever! Hey, von Einzbern!" Rin fires off a few blasts from her hand at the figure up the road. "Last I checked, this wasn't a spectator sport!"

The blasts vanish harmlessly against Scary Little Devil Girl's shields. "Oh, very well," she sighs. Two bird familiars materialize over her head. "I suppose I can't let Berserker have _all_ the fun, can I?"

I flee as fast as my legs will take me into the graveyard.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 18, day 2, early morning**

After I collect Saber and Rin's testimonies, I bike over to the church. Kotomine works fast, I'll give him that. There's already work crews out surveying the damage to the park and the graveyard.

I wait until the workers move off a bit, then scramble over to one of the craters in the road. From the sound of things, this looks to be where Berserker landed when he chased Saber into the cemetery. I pull out my tape measurer and get started.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

Since I scouted out the terrain in the last loop, I know exactly where I'm going. I take cover behind the tombstone with the best vantage point. Then I peek out and take stock of the situation.

Both mages start out strong. Rin's summoned that hovering green jewel thing in front of her, which she's using to shield herself from the white fire the birds are pouring down on her. The von Einzbern kid calmly pulls two white hairs from out of her head and fashions them into new familiars. (Just how many of those things can she have going at once, anyway?)

Further down the hill, though, Saber's not doing so hot. She blocks another massive strike from her opponent, but it knocks her into the air. Before she can even land, Berserker suddenly appears above her and axe-kicks her into the ground.

Rin notices. "Archer, support Baeber!" she snaps as she throws a blast at one of the birds. "... what do you mean, _visibility conditions?!_ "

"Aww, what's the matter, Rin?" von Einzbern smirks. "Can't you share your own sight with your familiar? I would think such a basic skill would be _trivial_ for the jewel of the Tohsaka bloodline."

"Bite me!"

"Well, if you insist..." A _fifth_ bird appears behind Rin and morphs into a sword. "I suppose I could take a _stab_ at it."

 **⇒ ugh that pun**

"Rin!" I yell. "Behind -"

But once again, I'm too late.

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

I manage to pull Shirou off to the side for a second while we're on our way to the church. "Listen, man. I know that all of this is a lot to process..."

"You don't say." Emiya rubs his eyes. He already looks pretty tired.

"And I know you hate feeling like you're sending others to fight for you." I glance at Saber. "But here's the thing... a few loops back, one of those bird things I mentioned got Rin. Stabbed her right in the back. While she was saving _us._ "

"It did?" He seems wide awake now. "I mean, she did?"

"I can tell you the whole story later if you want," I say. "But here's the thing - I really, _really_ don't want to see that again. So for this fight, I'm begging you - just let Wonder Woman do her thing and stick to your zone, all right? Please?"

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

I don't even finish my warning before Emiya slaps the blade out of the air with the metal pipe he'd brought along. The familiar falls to the ground and shatters.

Rin glances back at him in honest surprise. Shirou stands back to back with her, pipe held at the ready. The von Einzbern child harrumphs and pulls another long hair from her head. She looks pissed now. Not good.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 18, day 3, early night**

"Hey, Saber..." I stop her in the hall outside Emiya's kitchen. "I've just been wondering - where's your armor right now?" She's currently wearing the school uniform Rin loaned her.

"It's... hidden, at the moment." She shrugs. "I'm not sure how to describe it. It's somewhere else. I can materialize and dismiss it whenever I like, provided I have the mana." She holds up her hand. The air around it goes all shiny and glimmery, and then she's wearing her gauntlet.

I whistle. "Sweet. So does it weigh anything?"

"It is armor." She examines the glove. "Still, it's fairly light. An old friend made it for me a long time ago. I would estimate that it's perhaps half the weight of the plate of my day. Which was generally around..." She hesitates. "About three or four stone? I apologize. I'm uncertain how much that is by modern measures."

"That's fine. I can look that up." I write it down. "Okay. Next question - how much do _you_ generally weigh? Minus the armor, I mean."

 **⇒ oof**  
 **⇒ bad call dude**

She narrows her eyes and looks at me.

"... what?" I ask.

She turns and walks away without a word.

"No, seriously, what?" I blink, entirely clueless. "What's wrong? I just need..." Was it something I said?

 **⇒ just let it drop man**  
 **⇒ trust me**  
 **⇒ (dumbass)**

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

So I probably should have known Saber wouldn't be one-hundred-percent on board with the plan as stated. Blame her sense of honor. She must feel like she has to try the direct approach first, I guess. Paladins. Whatcha gonna do.

Battered and bruised, she circles her opponent before charging forward and taking a slash at his stomach. Berserker avoids her sword. With a roar, he brings his own weapon down on her.

Saber dodges and leaps onto the back of the massive blade, then she aims a thrust at his side. Berserker lets go of his sword and steps back - but that's not what she's up to. A beam of golden light explodes from the hidden blade. It carves straight through the giant's torso, ripping a whole as wide as my head through his midsection. Berserker slumps over backwards, his glowing eyes fading as he dies.

"Oh, no," Little Miss Terror says in a singsong voice. "Berserker's dead. Whatever am I going to _do?_ " So she's mocking us. I get that now.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 18, day 3, late night**

"So about these familiars von Einzbern's got," I say to Shirou. We're hanging out in his tool shed while he's practicing magic stuff. "I know Rin can conjure up shields and stuff. But is there anything _you_ can do to protect against the shit they fling around?"

"Not... really?" Shirou pauses and thinks for a second. "Well... hold on. There is one thing I could try... _trace on._ " He sits on the floor and breathes, his hands curled up into fists.

I wait for a moment. "And... that is?"

"I'm doing it right now." Shirou has his eyes closed tight. "Can't you tell?"

"Uh... no. Sorry."

"I'm Reinforcing my own body," he says. Now that he mentions it, on closer inspection, I can see a hint of those little green TRON lines running up and down his neck and shoulders. "Boosting my skin's durability and toughness. I've been practicing it on and off. Just in case I get in a situation where I'm injured but I need to keep fighting, or I'm pinned down in combat and can't dodge..."

I'm not fooled for a second. "You wanted to be bulletproof like Superman."

"... maybe." He lets out a breath and relaxes, opening his eyes. "It still takes me a lot of concentration. That's why I haven't really used it in combat yet. But if I knew it could come in handy, and had some warning before things started..."

"Gotcha." I write down a note. "That sounds like a really useful technique, though. I'm surprised you don't practice it more."

"Yeah, well..." Emiya shrugs. "If I screw it up, I could kill or poison myself. So there's that. Oh, and if I use it for too long, it gives my skin this kind of lizard-scale look sometimes? So I try to avoid using it on school nights."

"... right." I scribble down _Emergency Use Only_ in the margin. Shirou's priorities. They're certainly... _things,_ you know?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

Rin and Scary Little Devil Girl are really going at it now. The kid has six bird familiars in play. She turns two of them into blades and launches them into Rin's shield. But Rin's ready for that. Just as the green gem shatters, she tosses these purple stones into the air. They turn into this big glowing half-dome wall in front of her. The blades run into it and shatter.

Otherwise, Voodoo Child keeps trying to sneak a puppet around Rin's defense to flank her. Rather than doing the sword thing again, the bird stays in the air and shoots at them. Shirou's trying to play Jedi with his pipe, but I don't think that's working out too well. So it looks like he's mostly just Reinforcing himself and acting as a meat shield for Rin. He seems not to be dead yet, so yay?

Down in the field, Saber seems winded. Looks like that blast she just tossed off took a lot out of her. As she leans down on her sword, her armor dissolves into thin air, leaving only her blue dress.

Berserker's body starts to knit itself back together. Saber sets her jaw. Seems like that was what she was waiting to see. She turns and retreats further down the field, as the giant slowly begins to raise his head.

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 18, day 6, early night**

Rin eyes the stack of papers I have underneath one arm as she answers the door. "Jesus. Obsessed much?"

"I prefer to think of it as work ethic." I walk into the front hall. I've been mostly staying clear of Rin and Emiya since the incident on Tuesday, just trying to keep my head down. Nothing personal, I told them. I just really need to make it to the end of this loop so I can measure the effect of Lancer's attack on the length.

That said, I've gained two days so far. So at this point, I'm ready to declare my hypothesis _myth confirmed:_ more exposure to the _Gae Bolg_ equals longer time loop. (Heh. Myth confirmed, because it's a... you see what I... anyway.)

In the meantime, I have more questions. Rin sighs and closes the door. "So what is it this time?"

"So you know how - eh, hold on." I pull my notepad out from the stack of photocopies I made in the town planning office and get out my pen. "Okay. You know how you said you might've been able to prep one or two additional spells last Friday, since you keep a few blank gems on you?"

"Right..."

"Well..." I flip to my rough little concept diagram and show it to her. "Do you know how to do something like _this?_ "

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

"Well, look who the cat dragged in." Back in Emiya's kitchen, Rin looks up from the tiny blue crystal in the palm of her hand. "I thought you weren't going to join us."

"That was _before_ you started discussing battle strategy," Archer says curtly. He strides over and looks down on my map. It occurs to me that I haven't interacted with him a whole lot, compared to the other three people in the room. You know, aside from him killing me that one time, maybe. "If you want me to contribute to this madness, there's a few questions I'll need answered."

"Sure, big guy," I say. He narrows his eyes. Okay, seems he doesn't like Big Guy any more than Not Actually Satan. Noted. I cough. "What's on your mind?"

"First things first," Archer says.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

Saber throws the blue gem Rin gave her down on the ground. It shatters and spreads a thin sheet of ice across the field. She slides across the surface and neatly turns to face Berserker. They stand about thirty meters apart.

"Is that the only defense she has left? How sad." Von Einzbern smirks. "Berserker - finish this."

Berserker roars and launches into the air -

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

"What exactly is the point of all this?" Archer taps his finger on my little map. "Why am I pretending to miss and hitting this spot instead? What's down there?"

I grin. "The water main."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

Saber waits until very the last second, then flings herself to the side. Berserker slams straight through the thin layer of ice and into the mud beneath, sending a huge spout of clay meters into the air.

Archer had done his job perfectly. He'd managed to open up the pipe with one explosive shot, then shifted dirt back over top of it with another. Full credit to Saber, too - removing her armor like she did lightened her enough that she didn't crack the ice and give away the trap. Berserker roars and flails, but all that does is sink him even deeper into the sludge.

" _What?!_ " The little girl's jaw drops.

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 18, day 5, afternoon**

"Tomonaga? Hey! Tomonaga!"

"Bwuh?" I wake up with a pretty terrible headache. I imagine that this is something like what a hangover must feel like... not like _I'd_ know anything about that. (Not a joke. I really don't.) I open my eyes and see Shirou looking down over me. "... what? What is it?"

"You're awake. Good. Can you get up?"

That sounds like the worst idea ever. "Nah. S'good, man. I'm good down here..."

He pulls me up off the floor anyway. I'm in my homeroom, next to my desk. All around me, the entire class is completely unconscious. And there's this weird red lightning shit right outside the window. "The hell - what's going on?"

"Someone activated the bounded field," Emiya says. "It's draining the life out of everyone. Just work on generating extra mana within your body, and you should be okay."

"Do what in the what now?" I spot Tohsaka over by the classroom door. "Rin! I thought you said you were gonna take care of this!"

"I _did!_ " she snaps. "Someone _un_ -took care of it! This isn't my fault!"

"Uh-huh. Right, right..." A likely story. That said, I'm not going to call her out on it right now.

"Tom, listen," Shirou says. "Have you seen Sakura Matou anywhere today? Is she at school? Do you know?"

"Who?" I ask.

"Oh, right. I guess you haven't met her..." Shirou glances over his shoulder. "Okay. We're gonna go fix this. You just focus on staying awake, all right?"

"Okay. S'cool," I mumble as they rush out of the room. "Guess I'll just stay here, then..." Because I'm, you know. Basically useless.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, early night**

And once again, here I am back in my room on Friday night. Seven days. That's how long the loop lasts now. A single attack from Lancer gave me over a hundred additional hours.

That's promising, of course - but I've got bigger, more jacked fish to fry at the moment. I start digging through my desk for paper.

Okay. Let's go work on that whole 'not being useless' thing.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

"NOW!" I yell at the top of my lungs.

Three seconds later, Archer takes out four of the familiars. Rin drops her shield and blasts the other two. Shirou takes a deep breath and charges von Einzbern, his pipe raised. The little girl lets out a panicked scream and leaps back. She must do something magicish, because Emiya freezes in place.

That's when I tackle the girl from the side.

I really put way too much force into it - she weighs, like, next to nothing. I at least manage to avoid crushing her beneath me while still pinning her hands down. "Berser -," she squawks. Then I shove the side of my forearm into her mouth.

Verbal and somatic components contained. Yay. Have to say, though, this feels _really_ uncomfortable. "Sorry," I mutter as she kicks at me with her tiny little heels. "Guess I'm a bit of a combatant after all."

She replies by sinking her teeth into my arm. Pretty sure my scream wakes up half the city.

* * *

 **⇒ be: saber**

I wipe the mud from my face and turn. My foe struggles and rages, trapped within the mire. In his current state, he lacks the wit to free himself. All the same, I should be on my guard in case something changes. I reequip my armor and stand ready.

I study the gigantic figure in the pit. He's no knight, but is clearly a heroic spirit of considerable renown. His skill as a warrior is extraordinary. I believe he had a sense of my blade's length after my second or third blow.

While my duty in this matter was obvious, now that I stand here, I cannot say I am pleased with this particular end. "I'm sorry," I say to my enemy. "You deserved better than this."

* * *

 **⇒ be: tomasu tomonaga**

I whimper under my breath a bit as Rin finishes taping up my arm. Yeah, I know, I'm a big wuss. But just _look_ at this thing! God, she bit straight through the sleeve of my jacket. How does that even happen?! "The hell are your teeth made out of?!" I glance over at von Einzbern. She sits gagged and bound over by the cemetery fence. "They're like... tiny +1 knives or something!" She just glares at me.

"Don't worry, Archer," Rin mutters. "I'll handle it." She glances down the hill at Berserker. "So there's no way he can get out of there by himself, right?"

"Nope!" I answer cheerfully. That's a lie, actually - there's a couple different ways - but I'd rather not give the clever kid with a psychic link to the rage monster any ideas. "Non-Newtonian fluid. Liquefies as soon as he hits it. Hulk might be strongest there is, but that don't mean much if he ain't got a solid place to stand."

The kid snorts behind her gag. God, she is _tiny!_ She is, like, a tiny thing. I don't know why I'm just noticing that now. "Oh, what?" I say to her. "C'mon. You're German, right? Didn't they teach you about Russian mud season in school?" They should. After all, that's what stopped the Nazi tanks short of Moscow in 1941. Thanks for the advice again, bee-tee-dubs.

 **⇒ don't thank me yet**

"So what now?" Shirou asks. He sits on the ground nearby with a few new bandages, mostly over burns. This guy, I swear. Dude's really maxed out his ranks in pain tolerance. His jacket and shirt are in tatters, though. I imagine that has something to do with how distracted Rin seems to be at the moment. Hey, even I've got to admit he's got some decent definition going.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

He glances at the girl. "I mean, what do we do with her now?"

Oh. Huh.

 **⇒ huh is right**

I guess I... honestly didn't put that much thought into the post-battle wrapup here, did I. I scratch the back of my head. "Well... we won, didn't we? Can't we just get her to surrender or something?"

(Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the kid abruptly slump her head. Is she laughing? Did I say something funny?)

"I don't think so. The way the priest made it sound, the Servant kind of _has_ to die for it to count."

(Wait, is she - is she _crying?_ )

"Well, what about the priest?" I ask. "He can take away Command Seals, right?" And then use them for his own devices, but that's neither here nor there.

Shirou shakes his head. "I think he can only do that if the target's willing to give them up."

Not necessarily, I almost say. But I got the impression from his memories that Kotomine _has_ to cut off hands for that trick to work. Which reminds me - giving him the chance to assume control of Berserker is a terrible idea anyway. So moving on.

(Yep, she's crying. Shit. It's a tactic. You know it's a tactic. Don't fall for it. Let's at least try to _pretend_ we're not dumb enough to fall for such an obvious trick, okay?)

"Could we... like... make her use her Command Seals up?" Shirou asks.

"Nah," I say. "The moment we remove the gag, she'll just teleport Berserker straight to her."

"Oh, right. She can do that, can't she..."

(But... shit. Right now, she doesn't look like some Silent Hill reject or a vicious murder ghost. She just looks like a little girl.

What the hell is she doing here, anyway? Who the fuck sends a small pre-tween to fight a war? I guess I didn't question it before, but the more I think about it, the weirder and more fucked-up it seems...)

Shirou hesitates. "I guess we _could_ just take her back to the house like this."

"Uh-huh." I narrow my eyes. "So we're going to carry an eight-year-old girl - _bound and gagged_ \- back through the streets to your home, where we intend to keep her captive for an indefinite period of time."

He grimaces. "Right. Forget I said that."

"I mean, I feel like we're already risking a visit from Chris Hansen as is right now." I scratch my head. "I don't know - Rin, is there any kind of mage stuff that could help us out here? Some kind of spell or, like, a treaty about prisoners of war - there's got to be _something_ like that set up, right?" Where is she, anyway? I'm surprised she hasn't said anything -

 _Pew. Pew._

 **⇒ boom**

I slowly turn around.

Rin's standing there in her red jacket, her right arm extended like a rifle. Her hand pointed directly at Illyasviel... who no longer possesses a head.

The little girl's body slumps to the side. Rin raises her arm and, with an air of formality, puts her gloves back on.

I feel like someone just paused me. Can't breathe. Can't think.

 **⇒ unpause**  
 **⇒ speak now or stay silent forever**

"Rin..." My voice kicks back in. "Rin, what the _FUCK?!_ What the _EVERLIVING FUCK?!_ "

"Don't yell," Rin says coolly. "Someone might hear. Guess that means I didn't tell you about this part of the plan, huh?"

"What," I say flatly. I never - I didn't - wait.

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 18, day 6, early night**

"So assuming all this works out, the endgame should be easy, right?" I ask Rin. "There's gotta be some kind of mage Geneva Convention or something you can invoke once we've grabbed her."

"I wouldn't worry about that." Rin shifts her eyes away from me. "Just win first. We get that far, we can work it out from there."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 19, day 1, late night**

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?!" I yell.

"And don't look at me that way, either," Rin says. "It's not checkmate until you take the king."

"That's _chess,_ Rin! You just killed a fucking CHILD!"

"No, I killed a _mage!_ " Rin points her finger at both of us. " _THAT'S_ what neither of you idiots get! This is a _war._ "

"I thought the definition didn't work," Shirou says faintly.

"THAT'S NOT THE -" Rin growls and rubs the bridge of her nose. "Look, the point is - there is _no room_ for fucking around here. If the circumstances were reversed, she would've done the same to me in a heartbeat. That's just how it works."

"In _Psychoville,_ maybe!" I snap. "I know about war, Rin! And what you just did - last time I checked, that's called a _war crime!_ "

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" Rin shouts. "Not here! There's only one rule in this fight, and that's kill or be killed. If you ladies can't handle that, then do yourselves a favor and _stay_ \- _the fuck_ \- _out of it._ "

I can't think of anything else to say, so I just glare at her.

"We're done here." Rin adjusts her coat. "Starting tomorrow, we're enemies, same as we were with her. And _you_ -" She points at me. "I don't care what you do. If you're smart, though, you'll go home and forget everything you know about this. Time loop or not, this is no place for normies."

"Rin..." Shirou's voice sounds strangled. "How _could_ you..."

She turns away from us. "If you have to ask that," she says coldly, "then you don't know me at all."

She walks away. Down in the park, Berserker stops struggling. A stream of glowing particles rises up out of the mud and into the night sky.

* * *

 **⇒ be: rin tohsaka**

I manage to make it all the way down the street before I finally give in and puke into the bushes. God, the _smell!_ And the look on her face... the way she was crying... the von Einzberns know how to make 'em lifelike, I'll give them that much...

Oh, great! And here come the _tears_ now! Why? Because of stupid _Shirou?_ Because of the way they both looked like idiot puppies I'd just kicked or something?

Stupid body. Use your brain. They're better off this way. Now they know exactly what they're dealing with. No dumb illusions. No thinking that this is some kind of movie or comic book or whatever, where the good guys always win because they're good.

They're better off. And me, I'll be... I'll...

 _Fuck!_

 _"You doin' okay there, Rin?"_ Archer's voice asks in the back of my head.

I wipe my eyes. _"I'm fine, Archer,"_ I transmit back.

 _"You know, I was being serious when I offered to take care of the von Einzbern Master. That_ is _traditionally part of a Servant's job."_

 _"No,"_ I reply. _"I prefer it this way. I don't need to pretend I'm keeping my hands clean. I won't let myself be that weak."_

 _"As you like, then."_

You are a Tohsaka, I remind yourself. You're a mage. An initiate into the grand secrets and inner workings of the universe. You dare to do what others consider unthinkable. You stare into the truth where others shield their eyes. Yours is a path carved in blood and bone and fire.

So _act_ like it, for Christ's sake.

I stand up straight. Then immediately bend down to puke a little more. Okay, fine, that's fine. I can work on it. I'm a work in progress.

 _"Speaking of Masters, by the way,"_ Archer says casually, _"I still have a clear shot at Shirou..."_

 _"No, Archer,"_ I think back.

 _"But he's right there!"_

 _"I said_ no, _Archer."_ I take out my handkerchief and wipe my mouth. _"That's enough for one night. I've had enough."_

I hear some disgruntled mumbling back, but that's it. That's fine. We don't all get to be happy in this life. We just... don't.

I shake my head. Dabbing my eyes, I start the long trudge back home.

* * *

 **⇒ be: tomasu tomonaga**

Shirou eventually cuts the tiny corpse's bonds and covers it with what's left of his jacket. He mutters something about being used to dead bodies. I'm glad one of us is, I guess. After a while, Saber comes back up. She doesn't look happy when she sees how things went, but she doesn't look surprised either. I wonder how much shit like this she's seen. Too much, probably. She goes to stand guard a short distance away and leaves us to our thoughts.

I really didn't think Rin had it in her. I thought it was all talk, you know? All the dark humor and the catchphrases and everything... I didn't want to believe she could really kill someone. Or would.

 **⇒ she wouldn't kill shirou**  
 **⇒ or you maybe**  
 **⇒ that still leaves a lot of possibilities**

You... did you _know_ this was going to happen?!

 **⇒ suspected**

Why the fuck didn't you say anything?!

 **⇒ you needed this to happen**

What? Why?! So I'd learn there are consequences when I don't think my plans through all the way? I could have figured _that_ out without being an accessory to child murder, thanks!

 **⇒ you'll see in time**

Oh, _fuck you!_ And _fuck_ this cryptic bullshit! What's the point here?! That Rin's right? That I just need to man up and get on the killing train?!

 **⇒ no**  
 **⇒ that's not it**

Then what is it?! Shit! This is pointless. I'm just going in circles here.

I look up at Shirou. I can't see his eyes. Probably have that hollow look again. I lean my head back.

"This wasn't right, was it," I say.

"Gee, you _think?!_ " Shirou glares at me.

Yeah, I deserve that. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Well... don't worry. It won't happen again."

I get to my feet. "Whatever you do, don't trust Kotomine. Okay?" I didn't really go through any of the other usual warnings during the kitchen briefing earlier. Guess that means Rin misses out. What a shame. "Monday night, you get hypnotized, so have Saber watching out. Tuesday, that bounded field on the school goes off. You got all that?"

"Uh... yeah." Shirou blinks.

"Groovy." I shove my hands in my pockets and start walking. "If you'll excuse me, then... I'mma go get myself killed."


	12. I:12

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.12

 **⇒ continue: iteration 19, day 3, afternoon**

So after a few hours of work, this is what I've got:

 _THIS WEEK! Don't miss the:_

 _FIFTH FUYUKI CITY HOLY GRAIL MASSACRE!_

 _War Is Begun!_

 _MARVEL in amazement as seven legendary heroes from across time and space compete for the ultimate prize! NO HOLDS BARRED. NO WEAPONS BANNED! Parental Guidance Highly Recommended! THERE WILL BE BLOOD!_

 _Featuring:_

 _\- the undefeatable LANCER, master of the Irish martial arts!_  
 _\- the magnificent SABER, Azure Paladin of Destruction!_  
 _\- the incredible BER-ZURR-CAR - Careful! He might drive you insane! ‡_

 _SEVEN WALK IN. ONE WALKS OUT! The battle of a lifetime has arrived! So don't be a loser. Shell out your hard-earned cash today and get ready to witness the blood-stained epic tragedy of your nightmares! LIKE A BOSS._

 _For information and tickets, contact Tomasu Tomonaga, c/o..._

 _‡ when available, all ticket sales final._

There. That should be enough to trigger whatever keyword filters Kotomine or whoever has set up, provided he's thought to watch the net and all. Stung a bit coming up with a thing for Berserker. That's all still pretty fresh and everything. But hey - if you can't laugh, you might as well just go crazy, right? (Besides, no matter how I tried dressing it up, the title "Archer" really doesn't scream Heel to me.)

So I try posting it to the official city newsgroup. Sure enough, five minutes later, it's gone. I post it again, just to make sure they got the point, then throw it on a couple of imageboards for good measure.

Right. Now to see how long it takes for them to drop the hammer.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 4, late night**

A little over a day, it turns out. I'm in my bed, on the verge of drowsing off, when I feel a hand come down over my mouth. I open my eyes. Lancer stands next to the bed, the point of his spear hovering just a few millimeters over my heart. "Listen up," he says. "Only words you're allowed to say here are yes or no. You raise your voice, you lie to me - and I'll _know_ if you lie to me - and I gut you like a cheap fish. Capiche?"

I swallow and nod.

"Now - does anyone else in this house know about the Grail? Did you tell any of them?" He loosens his grip around my jaw.

"No," I squeak. Dammit, I planned for this, I practiced it. Just move your stupid mouth and say the words -

"Good." Lancer clamps down on my face again before I have the chance. "I hate killing families. It's always such a goddamn mess to clean up. Next -"

This might be my last chance. I try to take in a deep breath through my nose without him noticing.

"Aside from that post of yours, did you tell anyone _outside_ the house?" He uncovers my mouth.

I say, "No-and-before-I-die-can-I-get-you-a-drink?"

There's a moment of complete silence.

Lancer slowly pulls the spear back, his eyes narrowed. "... what kind of drink?"

* * *

 **⇒ thank god for the irish**

Technically, it's more thank God for ancient, magically-binding promises. I lucked out here, in fact. I actually meant to ask if he wanted something to _eat_ \- the legends say his _geas_ made him unable to turn down any offer of food. But I guess this works too?

"An' then he just keeps _goin',_ you know?" Lancer burps loudly. This is about an hour, all of my dad's beer, and three of the bottles of _sake_ my parents have to keep hidden from my sister later. "Son a' _this,_ born of _that,_ steward and privy maid to _what's-his-face._ Just on and on and on!"

"Uh-huh," I say. We're downstairs in the kitchen. Still can't believe he hasn't woken up the entire house at this point. More magic shit, I guess.

"So eventually, I just have to say - 'mate, we doing this, or are you gonna go through your entire - y'know, your entire _genealogy_ here?' And he says to me: 'you gotta understand - if I don't name every single one of these people, I'll be hearin' from them _all_ come Samhain.'" Lancer bursts out laughing. For a guy whose killed me twice, he's surprisingly chill. You know he remembers the name of _every_ single guy he dueled during the Cattle Raid of Cooley? Every single one. In order.

He wipes his eyes and downs another shot. "Ohhh - put up a decent fight, that one. Still killed him, a'course. But he did his people proud, that's what matters."

 **⇒ better get things back on track**

Easier said than done, trust me. "Right, yeah, I hear you," I say. "Look, about your job -"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah." He slams his hand down on the countertop. "Can you _believe_ he's been havin' me do his dirty work, night and day? Ninety percent of my time, it's been about keepin' things secret! Disappear _this_ guy, take down _that_ radio dish. And I'm like, 'you do realize I'm supposed to be a fecking _hero_ here, don't you?' Not that he cares. Cold-hearted snake, that one. An' I have known a few in my time..." Kotomine must not be watching right now, obviously, or this would be going very differently.

"Hey, man, I _get_ it, all right? I'm not tryin' to guilt you here or nothing. You can kill me, s'cool." I hear myself slur a little. Buh. Okay, so he kinda might have peer-pressured me into a little _sake_ at one point, in spite of me being under drinking age. ("It's a cruel, cruel thing to die sober," he'd said. "Trust me, I'd know.") But I'm good so far. Really. I'm good. "All I'm askin' is - when you do - you use your _big_ attack. The one you tried on Saber. That's it."

"Right, right." He pours another shot. "Because of the what'd-you-call-it..."

"Time loop."

He nods. "Adrift on the Sea of Shadows, maybe."

"Huh? What's that?" Ooh, that sounds relevant.

"Just somethin' _this_ one's mother mentioned to me at one point." Lancer raps a knuckle on his spear, propped up in the seat next to him. He'd made a big deal out of pouring it a drink back when we first started. Not that it had any way to drink it, of course, but he'd insisted anything. Something about it being the gesture of the thing. "She said he draws his power from there. _'Both of and outside what we call the real.'_ Her words exactly, after all these years. Swear by me dad."

"What does that mean?"

"No idea." He shrugs. "I'll be honest with you. At that particular moment, I was a little less focused on what _her_ mouth was doin' and more on what _my own_ -"

"Yeah, okay, stop, I get it, stop." I rub my eyes. Well, that's one lead to file away for later, at least.

 **⇒ plot_hooks_txt saved to disk**

"Assuming that you do come back again, though..." All of a sudden, Lancer's eyes are bright and sharp. Is he really drunk right now? Is he just this good at _being_ drunk? Who knows. Fucking demigods. "You'd be in a perfect position to interfere with my Master's interests, wouldn't you? For all I know, helpin' you out might cost me my shot at the Grail."

I hesitate. Shit. How do I handle this, now...

"... eh. On second thought, fuck it. S'not my problem." Lancer shrugs and gulps down the last of the _sake._ "Priest wants me to make sure you _stay_ dead, he can tell me that his own self."

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 5, early morning**

He makes us go out to one of the big fields north of town. "Gonna need space for this," he says. " _Lots_ o' space, away from pryin' eyes." He couldn't have had _that_ much space when he was fighting Saber, but whatever.

And thus do I wind up standing in a patch of mud at two o'clock in the morning, waiting for a legendary warrior to kill me dead. I've got the mana detector duct-taped to myself beneath my jacket, raw wires pressed to my skin, little radio dish in my hand. Everything I need to replicate the original incident that started the loop. I flip the switch on and wince at the tiny electric tingle.

 **⇒ you sure about this**

Oh, so _now_ you ask me?! I'm as reasonably sure as I can be at this point. I guess I could have found a way to test this before going for broke... but hey, when your subject's a magic spear, there's only so much scientific rigor you can drum up, you know?

Besides, I... I think I'm done with all this. I'm really, really done.

So fuck it. Let's be stupid. "Ready?!" I yell into the dark.

"Eh... hold on."

"What?!"

"Look... if we're doing this," Lancer says from further out in the field, "can you at least _pretend_ like we're having a proper duel? Just a personal thing."

"... how?"

"I dunno! Throw something at me!"

I kick my feet around until I find a rock. I bend down and pick it up. "Like this?"

"See? Perfect! You modern people, I swear. Lost all sense of how to die..."

I stand there in the cold for another second or two. "So are we good, or... ?"

"Ready!" Lancer shouts cheerfully. Jeez, it sounds like he's at least a solid kilometer away. How much room does the guy need? "On one... two..."

I halfheartedly lug my rock in Lancer's direction. I think it gets maybe three meters away from me before it falls into the dirt.

 **⇒ way to go out, slugger**

Oh, bite me. " _Gae Bolg!_ " Lancer roars.

Okay, here's the part I'm not looking forward to. It's okay, I tell myself. You don't remember the pain. You never remember it. I shut my eyes and try to brace myself. Crap. Wait. Maybe I should've left a note or something for Mom and Dad, just in case this goes wrong? Shit. Really should have left a note -

Something goes _thwump_ into the earth in front of me.

I open one eye. Lancer's spear sticks up out of the ground a few centimeters away from the toes of my front foot. Wait, all that warm-up and he _missed?_ Why would he _miss?!_ And why is the thing glow -

Everything goes white.


	13. I:13

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.13

 **⇒ restart: friday, early night**

... is that it? Am I out? Guess that must've been the attack Lancer used at the church. That was nice of him. Killing me with that quick explosion, I mean, rather than stabbing me or whatever. I don't remember feeling a thing.

So... now what. I guess I just have to wait and see?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I run off a quick note for Emiya, signed anonymously, with the highlights of the next few days - don't trust Kotomine, watch out for hypnosis on Monday night, etc. I wait until they've left for the church, then slip it under his door. After some internal debate, I ride my bike across town to Rin's place and leave a copy in her mailbox.

And that's it. I just go home.

 **⇒ so what's the plan**

The plan is I'm taking Rin's advice. I'm staying out of it from here on. Out of everything.

 **⇒ and you're okay with that**

Well... she's right, isn't she? I don't have a stake in any of this Grail crap. I'm not a Master. I don't care about who wins the Totally Holy Triwizard Murder Cup. The only reason I got involved in this mess in the first place was the time loop. If I'm finally in the clear, why stick my nose into things that don't concern me? I mean, I feel bad for Shirou and all - that's why I left the note - but if anyone is strong enough to tank all of this, it's him. I'd just as likely get in his way.

 **⇒ are you afraid you'll die**

Sure, of course, especially since it might be for keeps this time. But it's more than that. Rin was right about another thing, too... this _really_ isn't anything like Harry Potter. At all.

 **⇒ meaning**

As far as I can tell, aside from maybe Shirou, there are no good guys here. If it all just comes down to a bunch of power-crazed psychopathic Voldemort wannabes running around trying to see which of them can murder their way to the top... yeah, no thanks. I'm out.

It's kinda funny in a way... they get all these legendary heroes from the past involved, but then they hand control over to people who are the exact opposite of heroic. Amazing, isn't it?

 **⇒ harsh**  
 **⇒ but not inaccurate**

Then again, maybe heroes fighting for the interests of ambitious sociopaths is as close to the true nature of war as things get. Either way, I want no part of it. You gonna call me on that?

 **⇒ no**  
 **⇒ it makes sense you'd feel this way**

Yeah. Suppose it does, doesn't it. So... back to normal life, I guess? At least until something goes wrong.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: week 2, friday, afternoon**

Faked being sick on Tuesday so I could skip the whole bounded field incident. Even though I knew that was a bad move - if Shirou or Rin check the absent list for that day, they might be able to link me to the warning letter I left them. Turns out that I didn't need to worry, though. Whatever's going on with the Grail War seems to be keeping them busy. I've seen them every now and again out of the corner of my eye, scurrying around, doing who knows what. It's none of my business.

Just passed the previous reset point without any sign of problems. It's funny, though, right? All that time and effort spent getting out of the loop, just to do nothing. But isn't that how it's supposed to work? You go to the other world, you have your big adventure, maybe throw a ring or two into a volcano - and then you go home. I didn't exactly have much of a hero's journey... but then again, I'm not much of a hero, am I.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: week 3, thursday, late night**

Coming up on the end of day 13. I'm close to two weeks with no reset. I'm sitting at my desk, playing another game of Civ 2. Mana detector's gone. I took it down and threw it in my closet, along with Shin's notebooks. Didn't get rid of them, just in case of... whatever. But here's hoping I never have to see them again.

So here's a thought... what if I live out the rest of my life and die of old age or a heart attack or whatever - and _then_ reset to the Friday before last? I can't decide if that would be awesome or horrible.

 **⇒ i wouldn't worry about that right now**  
 **⇒ look outside**

I take a glance through the window. Huh. What's that weird glow on the horizon?

 **⇒ investigate**

I grab my jacket and head outside. I walk down the street to the point where I can get a clear view from the hill, and...

... um.

 **⇒ what is it**

Everything's on fire.

 **⇒ what do you mean everything**

I mean _everything._ The town, the city in the distance - even the freaking _river_ is in flames. I can hear sirens screaming in the distance. The smell of smoke and ash in the air is so thick I nearly choke on it.

I just... _what._

 **⇒ are you in danger**

No. Not for the moment, anyway. My house is on the side of a hill overlooking the town proper. It doesn't look like the fire's made it up here yet.

The ground below the hill - it's coated with some kind of thick black sludge that's burning. Like magma, or maybe crude oil. Whatever it is, it seems to be flowing down from the temple mountain, which is itself entirely in flames. The school - fuck. I can hear voices. People. Yelling. Screaming. Crying. It's just...

This is real. Holy shit. This is _really happening._

 **⇒ keep calm**  
 **⇒ what can you do**

Yeah, I'd - I should go wake up Mom and Dad. In case we need to move. It's just... _fuck._ It's like watching Pompeii burn. Except it's _my_ town. _My_ city. My...

... wait. What the fuck was that?

 **⇒ what**

I saw this... I guess you could call it a flash? Or maybe like the opposite of one - a flicker of the _absence_ of light, somehow...

There. There it is again. There's this... sort of blackish-indigo beam lancing across the town. It seems to be coming from the top of the mountain. It traces over a block or two, then vanishes.

 **⇒ does anything explode**

No, not that I can see. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to damage any of the buildings... well, doesn't do any _additional_ damage. They're still on fire and all.

Okay, here it comes again. Kinda tough to spot - you have to remember to look for where there _isn't_ light, not for -

Shit. It's coming this way.

 **⇒ run**

I turn and rush back towards the house. Can I take cover? Would that even _matter?_ What the fuck is going on? Is this magic? Is it -

 _fuck oh god it hurts it hurts it hurts like the circle make it stop make it_


	14. I:14

Fate/first order derivative  
Part I.14

 **⇒ restart: iteration 21, day 1, early night**

 _FUCK!_

I'm... I'm back? I'm back. The loop, it's still... what the hell. What the _everliving fuck_ was that.

I... I need to talk to someone about this.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"Wait... I know you, right?" Shirou hesitates. Once again, the front door. Once again, Not Actually Satan eyeing me from the rooftop. "Tomo... nagi, wasn't it?"

I sigh. "Fuck it. Just call me Tom."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"- and then I get hit by this... I dunno... this _shadow beam_ that came from the top of the mountain! That's what killed me. I'm not sure, but I think it kind of felt like that bounded field thing at the school. That whole tearing-the- _you_ -out-of-you sensation, you know?" I take a deep breath. "So it's magic, right? I don't know any kind of tech that could do something like that. Besides, if it quacks like a duck... never mind, I don't know why I said that. Forget the duck. I just... yeah..."

Across the table, Rin stares into her teacup. Felt kind of weird going to her with this, considering before... but, like, I can trust her to know stuff about killing people, can't I? That makes sense, doesn't it? "... you said it came from the temple, right?"

"About there, yeah," I reply. "I couldn't really see it, though. It was probably already gone by then, what with all the napalm magma stuff flowing down from that point..."

"Right." Rin swallows. "Well... at first glance... that sounds a lot like..."

"... the Great Fuyuki Fire," Shirou says hollowly. He's the only other person in the room that seems to be as freaked out as I am - or maybe even more so. The look in his eyes makes me think he might be full-out PTSDing here.

Rin nods slowly. "Which was caused by a magical accident involving the Grail at the conclusion of the Fourth War."

"Wait, _what?_ " Saber suddenly leaps to her feet, her eyes wide.

"It - it was?" Emiya just stares at her.

"Really?" I blink. "I thought it was an illegal chemical spill or something."

"That was just the cover story." Rin shrugs. "I don't know the full details, but... supposedly, the last war ended when one of the Masters ordered the destruction of the Lesser Grail. Which is... think of it as being like a conduit or an interface that allows humans to safely access the Grail's power.

"So when it was destroyed... I don't know why or how, but the Grail dumped this... waste material all over the old Shinto district, which set everything it touched on fire. The Church investigators called it _Grail mud._ I don't think they ever reached a conclusion as to why it happened. It's definitely not a part of the Grail's original design. But whatever the cause... it didn't end until over five hundred people were dead."

Saber sinks back down to the floor. Emiya slumps his head forward, but doesn't say anything.

"So... this thing that happens. Or, y'know, might happen," I finally say. "It comes from the Grail?"

"That..." Rin hesitates. "There's no way to be sure, but that would be my first guess. The temple is one of three places the Lesser Grail can manifest at the end of the war. Maybe... if it gets destroyed again like last time, without anyone making a wish..."

"Or if it falls into the wrong hands," Saber says. "This could also be the result of someone using their wish for evil ends, could it not?"

Rin shrugs again. "It's possible."

"Well... regardless of how it happened... you need to know, this _wasn't_ like the last time," I say. "The Great Fire was, what, ten city blocks? What I saw made it look like a pilot light - sorry, Shirou. I can't even describe it. It was like - like..."

"Like hell on earth," Shirou says, his eyes a thousand miles and ten years away.

I nod. "Yeah."

After that, none of us say anything for a while. The tea goes cold.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I tell them everything this time. And I mean _everything._ Kotomine, Lancer, Caster's hypnosis, the school incident on Tuesday. I even give them my Berserker-killing strategy... including how it ended. (Rin can't look me in the eye when I talk about that part. But she doesn't look surprised, either.) Every bit of information I can think of.

In the end, an exhausted-looking Shirou walks me back to the front door. "So what are you gonna do now?" he asks.

"I think..." I hesitate and scratch the back of my head. "I think I'm out again from here on, man. Sorry. It's my family, you know? I have to at least try to get them away from all this. So I think I'm just going to focus on that."

He nods slowly. "I understand. Good luck."

"Yeah. You, too."

He offers me his hand.

I stare at it. I didn't think to wear gloves this time. "You... don't want to do that, remember."

"Oh, right. Right." He drops his hand.

We just stand there awkwardly for a moment like idiots. "Yeah," I finally mutter. Then I trudge back to my house.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 21, day 12, morning**

It takes a solid four days of whining, some not-so-faked panic attacks, and a hunger strike before I get results. Fortunately, Mom's kind of a tiny bit superstitious - comes with being a former sailor, I guess. (Never thought I'd actually be grateful for that.) So eventually she listens when I tell her I've had an apocalyptic vision of the future (which I only resort to because it's easier than explaining the time loop.) I finally convince her and Dad to use some vacation days and book us tickets to see relatives in Kyoto. The Brat is less than enthusiastic about the whole thing, but when isn't she. I eventually get her on board by promising to tell her where Mom hid the _sake_ when we get back.

We leave on the second Wednesday of the loop, the day before it all goes down. I didn't see a whole lot of Shirou and Rin at school this time. Whatever it is they've been up to, I just hope it works.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 21, day 14, morning**

It doesn't.

We see the first reports of the fire late on Thursday night, right on schedule. I stay up to watch the news. No one has any idea what's going on at first; the Internet buzzes with vague news about terrorism. By sunrise, the government announces its official position - some kind of unexpected volcanic activity in Fuyuki. Emergency crews are being shipped in from across the country. Don't panic. Everything's under control.

Shortly afterwards, the first body counts start to come in. The number is... considerable.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 21, day 19, early night**

There's a surprising lack of news from down south over the next few days. The fire continues to spread. Dead and missing counts keep on rising. By Saturday, the media is actively talking about the mysterious tar-like substance at the heart of the disaster, which at that point has been sighted on the opposite side of Shimabara Bay. But that's not even the top headline. Instead, the focus is on the worldwide disruption of GPS services, which brings pretty much all civilian air traffic to a screeching halt. Details are sketchy, but all of the satellite networks seem to have failed at once - a situation which _should_ be impossible, the experts say. Government's clearly already feeling the pressure by then. The opposition party calls for investigations. Confusion abounds.

On Sunday, the first earthquake hits. Nothing to worry about, the government says. Just a blip, barely even above a 7.0, very little damage to speak of. It's fine! Everything's fine.

Then another quake hits the next day. And the day after that.

On Wednesday, as we sweep up broken glass in our cousins' living room (and as word breaks that the fire has spread to the mainland), NASA and JAXA issue a joint statement reporting drastic localized shifts in the Earth's gravitational field. They say the sudden, random increases they've observed are completely unprecedented in the entire geologic record - and, for that matter, run entirely contrary to our current understanding of physics. The researchers are at a loss to explain any of it. They appeal to the global scientific community to help them find a cause for the phenomena... because it's already having a measurable effect on tides, plate tectonics, and even the orbit of the Moon.

That's about when the television stations start to go dark. One by one.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 22, day 1, early night**

"... and it just kept getting crazier from there!" I rock back and forth slowly as I talk. "The last I heard on the radio was that the mud had just landed on the Korean coast. I don't even know how far it'd spread up the mainland by then - at least as far as Hiroshima. Kyushu was completely covered at that point. Same for most of Shikoku. And the rest of the news was just as fucked! Earthquakes and tsunamis all over the place - not just in the Pacific, either. Turkey, Central Africa, some place called New Madrid in North America..."

Throat's getting dry. I drain the rest of my tea. "And that's not even getting into the _really_ weird stuff! Extinct volcanoes suddenly going active. Satellites falling out of orbit. Gravitational and magnetic anomalies by the truckload - pretty sure that's what caused me to reset in the end. Parents managed to get me and my sister on an evacuation flight to Utah to stay with one of my dad's business partners. Something went wrong along the way, I think..." Actually, I know for a fact that something went wrong. Trying _real_ hard not to think about those few minutes of freefall. And all the screaming. Fuck. The screaming...

 **⇒ repression systems to maximum**

I shake my head and try to focus. "So... yeah. That's the takeaway. What's going to happen here... we're not just talking about just the city, or even the frigging _country._ I think... I think this really might be about the entire _world._ "

I can't think of any way to follow up on that, so I just stop talking. The room's silent for a moment.

Rin taps her fingers on the table. She seems more skeptical this time around. Can't blame her, really. Given the choice, I probably wouldn't want to believe me either. "So assuming that I choose to believe any of this... and that's a big _if,_ by the way..."

"Uh-huh. Thanks, man," I mutter to Shirou as he passes me a fresh cup of tea. This time around, I tried to ease up on the fire-related apocalyptic imagery to avoid triggering him. I think it worked? He still looks a little freaked out, but at least he doesn't seem to be actively flashbacking.

"There's only one thing I could see causing that kind of scenario," Rin says. "And that's someone actively using the Grail to end the world."

"So in thirteen days, somebody wishes for the apocalypse." That's more or less what I figured was going on. "Why, though?"

"Hell if I know." Rin shrugs. "What would I even get out of destroying the world? I mean, bragging rights, sure. But all my stuff's here."

I blink. What does she... oh, wait. I get it. "You know, Rin, believe it or not - there _is_ a chance, however slight, that you could actually wind up _losing_ the Grail War here."

"Impossible." Rin tosses her head. Huh. Seems like she's extra cocky this loop.

"Putting that aside for the moment," Shirou says, "I'm more interested in how exactly we can stop all of this from happening again. Is there anything else you can tell us?"

I shake my head. "I'm sorry, man. That's all I know. In thirteen days, everything goes to hell. Don't know why, don't know how."

"And yet it seems you _do_ know at least one thing you did not before," Saber says.

I look at her in surprise. She's been really quiet this time around. Well, okay, she's always quiet - especially so this time, I mean, to the point I almost forgot she was there. "What's that?"

"At the start of your tale, you said that you have no idea why you were cursed to repeat these days over and over again. Did you not?" Saber looks me calmly in the eye. "Well... now you do."

For the second time that night, I have absolutely no idea what to say.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _According to the Type MOON wiki, Fuyuki City is supposed to be somewhere in Kumamoto Prefecture on Kyushu, one of the four main islands of Japan. What Tom calls the "mainland" here is Honshu, the largest of the four, where Tokyo and Kyoto are. For reference, this would place Fuyuki approximately around two hundred miles / three hundred and twenty-two kilometers away from the coast of South Korea._

 _Like how this story is playing out? Consider supporting me at (patrick minus ick plus eon) dot com slash philopoemen!_


	15. II:1

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.1

 **⇒ continue: iteration 23, day 6, early night**

Holy shit... that's it. That's actually it.

 **⇒ what**

The porn is the key. _The porn is the key!_

 **⇒ story of your life huh**

Ha! Go fuck yourself. And no, I mean it's the - well. It's like this, all right?

So an hour or two ago, I'm looking for this circuit diagram I saw in the notebooks somewhere. (I've been trying to get a better idea of how the mana detector functions lately.) I couldn't remember which book it was in, but I knew that it was towards the beginning somewhere. Because that's just how my memory works sometimes, I guess.

 **⇒ the human brain: confounding itself on a routine basis since 80,000 bc**

So I'm going through and looking at the first few pages of each notebook, right? And that's when I noticed there was some encrypted text on page three of the red notebook, and a dirty story on page three in the green. And they're about the same length.

I started going through and comparing. Time and time again, pages with cipher text in one notebook would have corresponding porn on the same page in another. That's when it finally clicked.

 **⇒ explain**

It's called a _running key cipher._ Let's say you have two pieces of text: a message you want to encrypt, and some document you know the recipient also has. Like, I dunno, a book, or a copy of a particular newspaper from a specific day. Something you've both agreed to use in advance. That second thing is called the _key._

 **⇒ okay**

So what you do is, you convert each letter in both the message and the key into a number, usually based on its position in the alphabet (あ = 1, い = 2, etc.) You add each number in the message to the corresponding one in the key, then convert their sum back into a letter. And boom - your message is encrypted in a new form. That's called the _cipher text._ Whoever you're sending it to can then decrypt it by reversing the process - convert text to numbers, subtract the key from the cipher text, and convert everything back into letters to get the original message.

It's not impossible to crack this kind of cipher without knowing what the key is, but it's way more difficult. Especially if a different key is used for each message. That's why I wasn't getting anywhere with frequency analysis.

 **⇒ sounds like you'd also need to have access to all the notebooks in order to decrypt everything**

Right. But here's the really amazing part: what if your key is something you _know_ no one else - well, okay, outside of maybe a small niche of older gay men who are into your particular kinks - is gonna want to read?

 **⇒ thus the porn**

My uncle _weaponized the cringe factor._ That's why all the stories were so... um... let's say _excessive._ He wasn't just being gross. It was for _security._

Shin, you genius. You brilliant, crazy, utterly filthy genius.

 **⇒ so what have you got**

I've only completely decrypted one message so far. It was a little tricky at first since Shin threw some kanji into the mix, but I think I've got the hang of it now. Kinda speaks for itself:

 _WORKING THEORY: MAGICAL ENERGY SPECTRUM  
LIKE THE EM SPECTRUM CAN BE BROKEN DOWN  
INTO DISTINCT WAVELENGTHS OR ENERGY TYP  
ES. CALLING MOST PROMINENT IN FUYUKI RE  
GION "G-ENERGY" AS IT'S PRESUMABLY BEIN  
G EMITTED BY THE GRAIL. MAY REPRESENT M  
ANA IN MOST BASIC STATE / EQUIV OF MICR  
OWAVES. OTHER TYPES DETECTED: "C-ENERGY  
," POSSIBLY ASSOCIATED WITH COMMUNICATI  
ON AND TELEPATHY (EQUIV OF RADIO WAVES?  
); AND "I-ENERGY," ASSOCIATED WITH ILL  
USIONS AND DISPLAYS OF LIGHT (EQUIV OF  
VISIBLE SPECTRUM?). AMAZING. IS THIS WH  
AT MAXWELL AND TESLA FELT LIKE?_

 **⇒ so shin really did know about magic**

And the Grail. This proves it once and for all.

 **⇒ must feel good**

Oh, God, you have _no_ idea. Feels like I've been staring at this shit forever without getting anywhere.

 **⇒ so other than that what else have you been up to**

Uh... well. You're probably not going to like this...

 **⇒ what did you do**

It's really more about what I haven't done. I haven't talked to Shirou and Rin this time around. Like, at all.

 **⇒ ...**

Now, just hear me out, okay? I decided I wanted to test the null hypothesis this loop.

 **⇒ meaning**

I wanted to make sure it's not something that _I'm_ doing that leads to the world ending. I've technically never done nothing before in one of the full loops. I've always either talked to Shirou and Rin on the first night or left them a note or something.

But what if that's what makes them lose the Grail War later on? What if _I'm_ the problem?

 **⇒ you sure this isn't just an excuse**

Oh, come on. How many stories about time travel are there where the time traveler causes the problem they're trying to solve?! Via the butterfly effect or predestination or whatever. I'm just trying to cover all my bases here!

 **⇒ ... fine**  
 **⇒ i guess that's a reasonable thing to check into**  
 **⇒ once**

Besides, this gave me the chance to catch up on some of my backlog. Not just the notebooks. I've been reading the _Hagakure,_ for example, that one book on _bushido_ Shirou mentioned. Oh, and that muscle memory task we talked about? I did that in the last loop! Dug up a custom version of Tetris I haven't played before. Did a lot of that until I learned the keystrokes.

 **⇒ and the results?**

Mixed! When I started playing the game again in this loop, I was definitely slower than I remember being. _Much_ slower. But I relearned the keystrokes a lot faster than I did the first time. Basically, it seems like muscle memory and conditioning partially transfers across loops. I still need to practice in order to get it all the way back. But otherwise, I guess it's like... I don't know how to describe it. It's like the _shape_ of the skill comes with me when I loop, rather than the skill itself. Or maybe it's more like when you learn how to do something, but then don't practice it for a long time before eventually going back to it again. At first you're struggling - but then you start to recall little bits and pieces that seem familiar, until you finally reacquire the whole thing. Does that make any sense?

 **⇒ sorta**  
 **⇒ anyway that's good to know**

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I passed the three-month mark in the last loop at some point. Since I got stuck in this whole situation, I mean. So, you know... there's that.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 23, day 8, afternoon**

A few decrypted lines from the notebook page with the date calculations (just below where he defines his variables, thank God):

 _THE BUILD-UP CONTINUES APACE, IT SEEMS.  
THE NEXT WAR IS CLOSER AT HAND THAT ANY  
ONE ANTICIPATED. BUT WILL I LIVE EVEN T  
HIS LONG, I WONDER._

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 23, day 13, late night**

 **⇒ two riders were approaching**  
 **⇒ the wind began to howl**

So I am like 98% sure that this isn't my fault now. Because here we are again. City on fire, sirens, everyone screaming, etc.

 **⇒ satisfied now**

I guess? As much as one can be in this kind of scenario, anyway. I dunno. Was I wrong to suspect a last-minute twist?

 **⇒ no**  
 **⇒ you weren't wrong**

Yeah, see, I felt like that was a genuine possibility here...

Ulp. And here comes the shadow beam, right on schedule. Here we go aga _ow ow fuck always forget how much this sucks fuck fuck shit FU -_

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 24, day 1, early night**

 **⇒ there must be some kind of way out of here**  
 **⇒ said the joker to the thief**

Yeah, no kidding... phoof. Okay. Unless it's a situation where the very fact that I'm time traveling is setting things up or causing - like - a paradox buildup or something technobabblish like that... I'm probably not the problem here.

 **⇒ congratulations**  
 **⇒ can we actually get to work now**

Hey, none of that sass. I'm declaring a sass-free environment, effective now.

But... yeah. Let's go talk to some people, I guess.


	16. II:2

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.2

 **⇒ continue: iteration 24, day 7, evening**

And I'm running again. The ground's soft here. Feels like racing on sand. Mud covers my shoes and the bottom of my pants. Lungs feel about ready to burst, but what else is new.

"MOVE IT!" Rin shouts back at me from several paces ahead. She's faster than me. I try for an extra burst of speed anyway.

Three of Archer's arrows streak over our heads. I hear them explode like mortar shells right behind us.

I risk a glance back over my shoulder. Saber walks out the fireball without a scratch, her sword still wet with Shirou's blood.

 **⇒ wait what**  
 **⇒ what is happening**

 _I have no idea!_

 **⇒ that is less than helpful**

Shit! Shit is happening, all right?! Of the _downward moving_ variety!

Looking back was a mistake. My foot catches on a root. I go down like a sack of potatoes and faceplant straight into the muck. Stumble-crawling to my feet, I pull my mud-covered glasses away from my eyes.

When I look up, I find Saber standing over me. She raises the jet-black blade.

Something red flashes in the air. I hear a loud _clang._ Archer grimaces as he blocks Saber's sword - not with his usual pair of twin knives, but with a silver longsword. "She - said - _move!_ " he growls.

"Yep!" No need to tell me twice. I scramble away.

 **⇒ where are you**

By the lake behind Ryuudou Temple, up on the mountain. Look, can I explain _after_ I'm finished running for my life?! Is that too much to ask?

Archer seems to be only barely holding her off. I hear him grunt as she presses her blade down on him. "Now - would be - a great time - to snap out of it, Saber!"

Saber doesn't reply. She just moves her head out of the way as one of Rin's _Gandr_ blasts streaks over Archer's shoulder. (How the hell can she even see with that black visor thing over her eyes?)

I catch up with Rin, standing on top of a slight rise about twenty meters away. Should I keep going? No, no - don't split the party. I look back. It's fuzzy without my glasses, but I think I see Saber break away and slash at Archer from the side. He's ready for that, though, and leaps back. I hear him mutter something under his breath. " _Rho Aias!_ "

Some kind of glittering translucent flower unfolds in the air between us and Saber. Archer jumps again and lands next to us, his hand held out towards the projection.

"You can make a shield?!" Rin glares at him. "Why didn't you tell me you can make shields?!"

"I just remembered I could do this, okay?!" Archer snaps. "We need to leave. _Now._ "

"Fuck that! We're putting Goth Barbie here in the ground!" So much for Baeber, I guess...

"I don't know what's going on here, Rin!" Archer glares at her. "What we just saw should be impossible! Hilarious, sure - but still impossible!"

I rub my glasses off on my jacket and shove them back on my face. Just in time to see what's happening in front of us. "Uh... guys?" I whimper.

They look up. Behind Archer's shield, Saber stands with her sword raised in the air, crimson energy swirling in the air around her. Small clumps of earth and grass float lazily upwards in defiance of gravity.

"... balls," Archer says flatly.

 **⇒ so about that running**

Too late. Saber brings the blade down. " _Excalibur Morgan!_ "

A tsunami of black energy crashes down against the flower. Layer after layer of shielding appears out of nowhere, only to get shredded to bits by the wave. I hear Archer yell wordlessly, lightning flashing around his arm. Then the flower breaks and it all comes down on us -

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 25, day 1, early night**

Well... shit. Balls indeed, Not Actually Satan. Balls indeed.

 **⇒ okay so now**  
 **⇒ what the fuck was that**

I told you, I don't know. We were up on the mountain, okay? I was trying out that idea you gave me. You know, using the mana detector to track down Caster?

 **⇒ right**

But the only signal I could find was coming from the mountain. And Rin said doy, that's where all the leylines in the area meet up, and anyway she can detect mana _way_ better than some old hunk of scrap, so why even bothering with this. Which was, you know, annoying. But I just kinda gritted my teeth and let it pass because I clearly need her help with the world-saving thing. Even if I'm still not a hundred percent sure I'm over the whole _child murder_ incident, but that's a whole 'nother thing -

 **⇒ focus**

Right, sorry. There's just a whole lot to unpack here, you know? - So we went up to the mountain anyway, because I've been meaning to snoop around up there. That's when Rin remembered there's some kind of Anti-Servant Barrier thing around the whole monastery. The only way they can get in is by going through the front entrance. Which strikes me as a little sketchy, you know? Even if she says it's always been there.

 **⇒ just a bit**

Rather than break the party, I suggested that we skirt around the barrier and go through the woods around the temple. Try searching there first. So we went around the mountain, and then I start getting these weird readings on the detector. Not G- or Z-Energy - something I didn't recognize.

 **⇒ what kind of readings**

I can't remember. I wrote down the pattern so I could look it up when I got back. Obviously, things didn't work out that way. Anyway, Rin can't sense anything, but I talk them into checking it out anyway. That leads us to the lake out behind the temple.

So we're poking around on the shore when suddenly this big tentacle - or tendril, I guess? It looked all flat, like a ribbon or a long sheet of paper. It just reaches out of the lake, grabs Saber, and pulls her into the water. Like _bam._ Fucking Jaws. Over in a flash. She didn't get the chance to say anything.

 **⇒ sounds like the start to a bad hentai**

You said it, not me. So obviously, we're concerned. Shirou was all ready to jump in after her. We held him back, at least until we knew what the hell we were dealing with here. Rin called Archer. Don't know why he wasn't there in the first place, honestly... I guess she likes keeping him at a distance, since his class is all about ranged attacks?

So we waited by the lakeside for a bit. Shirou said he could see something. He goes rushing over and reaches down into the water -

And a sword came out from beneath the surface and stabbed him right through the chest.

Rin starts yelling and screaming. I guess I was just kind of stunned. Saber just comes rising out of the water - not swimming, like she's on a platform or something. She's dressed in this spiky black armor. And she's got this metal thing over her eyes, like an eye mask without any holes or lenses. Her sword was different, too - solid black instead of invisible, with glowy red shit all over the place. Along with. You know. All the blood.

 **⇒ did she say anything**

Not a word. Shirou did, or tried to. He reached out towards her. She just sliced upwards through his chest, then kicked him to the side. Like he was... I don't know... a trash bag that got in her way or something.

Then Saber turned towards us. You pretty much saw the rest after that.

 **⇒ shit dude**

Yeah. So that happened.

 **⇒ so what now**

Now I take a few minutes to pull myself together, because _this_ is my life now, I guess. Then I go do the usual spoiler briefing. At least I've got something new to report this time...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"That's impossible," Rin says when I've finished my story. "A Servant can't just turn on their Master like that! They'd have nowhere to get mana from."

"Not to mention, I would never do anything like what you described." Saber crosses her arms. "It would go against everything I am."

"That's the - ummph." A bit of the leftover sushi from Shirou's fridge nearly flies out of my mouth. (It's so weird that I'm hungry. I'm usually not hungry when this happens.) I swallow my food like a normal person and continue. "Sorry. That's the thing. I'm not so sure it _was_ you. The way you were acting... it was like you were possessed or a robot duplicate or something. Or maybe, like, Negaverse you. I don't know."

 **⇒ like she'd been altered somehow**

Sure, why not. Saber scratches her chin. "... the attack I made at the end. Are you certain I said _Morgan?_ "

"Something like that, yeah."

She narrows her eyes, but doesn't say anything further.

Shirou sighs. "So there's big mysterious thing in the lake we shouldn't go near, and an Anti-Servant Field around the temple. Got it."

"And the world ends in thirteen days," I add helpfully. Huh. I don't usually feel this chipper either. Kind of a wacky night for me all around, really.

"And that. Right." Shirou runs a hand through his hair. "Anything else we should know?"

"Well... there's all the stuff with Rider, too," I say. "Like the fact her Master's Shinji Matou."

"He's what," Rin says flatly.

 **⇒ wait he is**

Oh, yeah. We should probably jump back to that, shouldn't we?

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 22, day 4, early night**

So I called in sick to school for the second day in a row. Haven't been of much use overall. Seeing something like, oh, the _end of the freaking world_ kinda does that to me, it turns out. Besides, with everything I told them, Shirou and Rin should be able to get through the first few days without me, right?

At least, that's what I'd figured. Up until Rin calls my cell phone and tells me that Shirou's dead.

"He is?" I blink. _That's_ never happened before. "How?"

"Frigging _Berserker,_ that's how!" Rin's mad as hell at me. "He and the spermling busted in on us at the school today! Why the fuck didn't you warn us?!"

"Rin, this is literally the first I've heard of this." I sit up in bed. "I've even been at school today before and never saw anything like that."

"Yeah, well - it fucking _happened,_ okay?!"

It's hard staying mad at her when she sounds this upset. I try for a soothing tone. "I know. I believe you. Just tell me what happened."

Rin sniffles. "S-so - we went to shut down the bounded field around the school, right? We break into the chem lab. But Rider's already dead."

"So Rider was the source of the field?" In retrospect, really should've pushed Shirou and Rin for more details about today's events in previous loops.

"Duh! So the field outside goes down. And that's when Einzbern and her monster come in through the window like a fucking _wrecking ball_ or something! We didn't even have a chance. Saber was still upstairs fending off Caster's shit."

"Wait - so _Caster_ was there too?" Bloody hell. What a clusterfuck.

"Of _course_ she was! Who the fuck else do you think killed Rider?!"

I start running through things in the back of my head. Berserker's never shown up at school during the day. What did I change this time? Nothing I hadn't before. I just gave them the heads-up about Kotomine and the ambush as usual, so they could skip going to the church and that whole -

Wait. Something finally clicks. Come to think of it, just about _every_ time I've let them skip the church, von Einzbern's turned up at some point a few days later. So if that battle on the first night _doesn't_ happen... does she just keep on hunting Shirou into the rest of the week?

But Rin's still talking. "S'weird, though... Rider didn't _look_ like she'd been killed with magic. Way too brute force. But Berserker came in after we found her body. That little fuck Shinji ran off before I could get anything out of him, of course."

I blink again. "Shinji _Matou?_ What does he have to do with any of this?"

"He was Rider's Master, that's what!" Rin snaps. "GOD! You're _useless!_ "

I hear her slam the phone down. The call cuts off.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 25, day 1, early night**

"I'm telling you right now - there is absolutely no way Shinji Matou could have _possibly_ summoned a Servant." Rin folds her arms. "His Magic Circuits are gone. Completely blocked. He's got less mana than _you_ do."

"That's what you said last time, too." I eat another piece of tuna. "But, um... I guess he actually straight-up _tells_ Shirou he's a Master after school on Monday? Offers to hire you or something." I direct that last bit at Shirou.

Rin furrows her brow. "But that makes no sense..."

I can only shrug in response. Shirou scratches the back of his head. "Well... I guess I could try asking Sakura about it..."

"His sister, you mean?" I nod. "You gave that a shot last time, too. You said she wouldn't tell you anything."

Shirou blinks. "Huh."

I finish off the rest of the roll. Rin shifts her eyes. "Well, in that case... why don't _you_ try talking to her?"

"Me?" I swallow and give her a confused look. "What would that accomplish? I don't even know her."

"Hey! Don't give me that bull crap!" Rin jabs her finger at me. "We're about to walk out of here and face a monster on _your_ say-so! You having to meet new people? Not a big ask by comparison!"

"Okay, okay..." To further test my theory of Unified Post-Friday Berserker Incidence, I'd split the difference this time: I told them about the ambush, but asked them to walk into the trap anyway. So she has a point. I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. "I mean... I _guess_ I could try, if you want..."

"Oh, suck it up, nerd." Rin rolls her eyes. "A little socializing won't hurt you."

Well... guess I have an assignment this time. Oh, joy.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 25, day 2, late night**

Got the next Shin decrypt done:

 _INTERESTING. THIS NEW BOOK FROM Z SUGGE  
STS THAT EACH MAGE HAS HIS/HER OWN DIST  
INCT MANA SIGNATURE, LIKE A MAGIC FINGE  
RPRINT. THIS APPARENTLY COMES INTO PLAY  
WITH HEALING MAGIC. SAID SPELLS ARE MOR  
E EFFECTIVE IF PERFORMED BY A CLOSE GEN  
ETIC RELATIVE. AS THE MANA SIGNATURES A  
RE SIMILAR, THEIR ENERGY IS LESS LIKELY  
TO BE REJECTED BY THE PATIENT'S BODY, A  
LONG THE SAME LINES AS A DONATED ORGAN.  
I WONDER IF THIS COULD BE USED FOR AUTH  
ENTICATION?_

Z? Who the fuck is _Z?_

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 25, day 3, morning**

Okay, it's Sunday. I'm at school. I've tracked down Sakura Matou, like Rin asked. And... um. Slight issue here.

 **⇒ what**

... she's hot.

 **⇒ oh**

I mean, just really _insanely_ hot. As in how-have-I-not-noticed-her-before hot.

 **⇒ uh-huh**

No, really! There's something weird going on here. Why isn't this girl a bigger deal? I mean, as far as I know, she's a complete social non-entity. People don't talk about her at _all._

It just doesn't make any sense. Sure, her brother's an asshole - but all that says about _her_ is that she's rich, too, and you can see how much that hurts his popularity. Shirou says that she's quiet, but I can't really see that being a problem. And yeah, the purple hair and eyes are a little weird - I guess she wears contacts? - but that should make her stand out _more,_ not less.

Do you see why I'm a little freaked out here? It's like looking inside your own garage one day and finding... I don't know... a luxury car or a boat or something. Just sitting there. Chilling. Been there since before you moved in. It's _always_ been there. _You just never noticed._

 **⇒ oh yeah**  
 **⇒ because that's totes the reason you're sweating bullets here**

Well, yeah, okay, there's that, but... look, I just wasn't prepared for this, all right? I'm way off balance here. Way, _way_ off balance.

 **⇒ just go up and talk to her you goob**

Oh, easy for you to say! And maybe this isn't a great time for her, anyway, and I should probably hold off until lunch -

 **⇒ look worst case here if you screw it up**  
 **⇒ then you just try again next loop**  
 **⇒ she won't remember a thing**

... oh. Right. That's true, isn't it. I... guess I am kind of lucky in that respect.

 **⇒ exactly**

Well, all right... here goes... transferring social anxiety into manic energy, as per usual...

 **⇒ no no**  
 **⇒ just relax you idiot**

Relax. Right. Sure. Totally relaxed here. Just so obviously completely relaxed, can't you tell...

Regardless, I take a deep breath and step out from behind the wall I'm cringing against into the stairwell. Here she comes up the stairs from the floor below.

"Hi!" I put on my very best totally-not-a-serial-killer smile, which no doubt looks just as convincing as it sounds. "Sakura, right?"

 **⇒ oy**

"Yeah?" She looks up as she reaches the top step.

"Hi. Again. I'm Tom." I scratch the back of my head awkwardly. "Sorry, could I just get a moment of your time here?"

"Oh, sure," she says, completely deadpan. "I love being stopped in between classes by complete strangers."

Uh... huh. So not positive, but... like... maybe seventy percent sure we're doing the whole passive-aggressive snark thing here? I guess I can get behind that. "It won't take long, I swear. So about your brother -"

She sighs. "No, I will not help you annihilate or otherwise exact violent revenge upon him."

I blink. "Uh... wait, are you serious? Or..."

Sakura gives me a non-committal shrug. "You'd be surprised how often it comes up."

So I guess I'm not the only one in the school with a poor opinion of the guy. That's... oddly gratifying, actually. If a lot more bloodthirsty than I would've anticipated.

 **⇒ it's never just you**

Anyway, let's get back on task. "Yeah, it's not that. About Shinji, though..."

And that's right about when some asshole first-year jumps down like six steps at once and lands with a loud clap on the landing right next to me. Which kicks my heart rate up, sure, whatever. But Sakura startles hard, and she's still standing right at the top of the stairs. (I _really_ should've picked a better place to talk.) She stumbles backwards with a gasp - right onto the edge of the step. The books in her hands go flying. She totters there, eyes wide.

"Fuck!" Without thinking, I reach out to steady her.

It's only as my hand closes around her left wrist and I pull her forward that it occurs to me I forgot to wear gloves today.

ZZRRRP


	17. II:3

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.3

ZZRRRP

 **⇒ download censored**

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ continue: iteration 25, day 3, late afternoon**

YyyyyyyyyyYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH - AAAGHHHH - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHCKK...

 **⇒ it's okay it's okay**  
 **⇒ you're safe now**  
 **⇒ you're safe**

ULLCHK - UCCCK - UCCCK...

 **⇒ just breathe**

FUH. Fuh. Hckk... nightmare? Was... it was just a dream? Oh thank fucking God. What the _fuck._ What the everliving... shit, my head. Hurts...

... where am I?

 **⇒ find out**

I open my eyes. Unfamiliar ceiling. I'm lying on a mattress. I sit up, my head pounding like a motherfucker. I know this place. Looks like I'm on one of the sickbeds inside the nurse's office. How'd I get here?... I pull the curtain open. On the other side, Ms. Taiga Fujimura - one of the teachers - leans back in a chair, sound asleep, snoring like a chainsaw. Aside from her, the whole room looks deserted.

My eyes are wet. Wait... was I crying? Why was I crying? There's a box of tissues set out next to the bed. I grab one and wipe my eyes.

 **⇒ she's a schoolteacher**  
 **⇒ her**  
 **⇒ are you serious**

Yeah. She's not bad, actually. She's just... well... kinda a ditz when she's off the clock, or so I've been told. I reach out to poke - wait, no. I also heard she was some kind of martial arts prodigy growing up. I pick up the box of tissues and tap her gingerly on the forehead.

"Five more minutes," she mumbles.

Oh, for... I toss the box of tissues on her lap.

"GYAAA I'M NOT -" She wakes up, flailing her arms around like a Muppet. "Wha... oh, Tomonaga. You're awake. Good. How do you feel?"

"Okay, I guess? My head hurts." I rub the side of my head. Feels bumpy at that point. Did I get hit there or something? "Where is everyone?"

"They went home, silly. School ends early today, remember?" She yawns. "I owed the nurse one, so she asked me to stay behind and watch you. Dang pool shark... God, what time is it? Am I late for dinner?" That's one thing about Ms. Fujimaru. She seems to get _real_ lax when she's hungry.

I knead my temples. " _Sensei,_ what am I doing here?"

"You don't remember?"

"Not really?" I squint. "I was... talking to someone, I think? And -"

Then I remember. I remember everything.

Oh, God.

 **⇒ breathe**  
 **⇒ focus on the present moment**  
 **⇒ those aren't your memories**

Not a dream. These are _hers_... my headache flairs. I clutch my temples.

But Ms. Fujimaru is saying something. "- Sakura Matou. She said you were talking in the hallway when you sorta randomly freaked the fuck out. Just fell on the ground, screaming and flailing. Like you were havin' some kinda seizure. That ever happen to you before?"

"No." But I can't say I'm surprised. These memories... fucking hell...

She shrugs. "So Sakura called for help. When we couldn't wake you up, we hauled you over here."

"Uh-huh..."

"You kinda scream like a little bitch, by the way," Ms. Fujimaru adds brightly. "Anyone ever tell you that?"

Okay, now that's just uncalled for. I glare at her. "And you didn't call an ambulance or something?"

"Nah."

You know, sometimes, this school seems really messed up. And speaking of messed up... shit. Sakura. What a goddamn nightmare...

 **⇒ don't**  
 **⇒ don't let yourself get sucked in again**

Right. You're right. That'd be bad. I try and shove it into the back of my mind.

"Hey, don't look at me. I don't make the policies here." Ms. Fujimaru coughs. "So anyway. Do you feel like you can, y'know, walk and stuff? I can call your parents if you want."

"I... think so?" My head still hurts, but otherwise, everything feels like it's in working order. I try standing up. That seems fine...

"Great. Because once you're up, they told me to kick you out and lock up here." She pauses and puts a finger on her chin. "Oh, and there was something else I was supposed to do... what was it again?"

"A full battery of neurological tests?" I take a few experimental steps. A little wobbly at first, but that doesn't last.

She snorts. "No, silly. Are you kidding? I'm not even authorized to pick up a frigging tongue depressor around here. Not since that one time, anyway... oh, right!" Ms. Fujimaru snaps her fingers. "Sakura asked me to tell you something."

I blink. "Really? What?"

"She just wanted to say she was sorry. That's it."

 **⇒ wtf**

I stare at her. "... she's _sorry?_ "

"Yep. Didn't say what for."

"She's sorry," I repeat dumbly. " _She's_ sorry." It's so absurd, I almost want to burst out laughing. Or maybe puke. Could go either way.

"That's what she said." Ms. Fujimaru tilts her head contemplatively. "She looked kinda upset when she said it? So I'm pretty sure she actually meant it. As opposed to... y'know."

Unpleasant things click together inside my head. Oh, God. That whole ambiguous sarcasm/flat affect thing Sakura does? It's not a choice on her part. She _has_ to talk like that, because if she expresses herself in any other way or raises her voice or whatever while she's at home, then...

... _shit!_

 **⇒ don't get pulled in**

It's okay. I'm okay! It's just... all this time... it's been like _that_ for her. And none of us knew. No one asked. No one did anything for her. No one raised a finger.

But _she's_ the one who's sorry.

I don't laugh or puke. Instead, I find myself blinking back tears. Yeah. That feels about right.

 **⇒ breathe**  
 **⇒ let it happen**

Ms. Fujimaru studies me. I guess certain signals are so obvious, they can even get past her hunger-induced apathy. "... are you sure you're all right? I _can_ call your parents. It'll just take a second..."

"I'm fine," I lie. "I gotta go." Before she can question me any further, I turn and leave the nurse's office. I head for the nearest exit. As soon as I'm out of the building, I start to run.

* * *

 **⇒ hurry**

I run all the way to the Tohsaka place. I bang on the door until Rin answers. She stares at me. I must look like hell. I feel like it.

I swallow. "We need to talk."

* * *

 **⇒ tell them**

I first let Rin confirm my whole memory-hacking thing, since I forgot to mention that back on Friday. Didn't seem relevant then.

Then I talk.

I talk until my throat goes raw. I talk until I run out of words. I unpack every last hideous thing I saw inside Sakura Matou's head. Every terror, every horror, every atrocity. It takes a while.

When I'm done, I just rock back and forth in my chair, hugging my knees. We're upstairs in Rin's living room. It's dark outside the windows. Sun set a while back. A tea kettle and some cups sit cold and abandoned on the coffee table.

"So... what do we do?" I finally rasp.

No one answers me. Shirou looks kind of sick. Maybe he's just overwhelmed by it all, or he's reached some kind of place beyond normal anger and outrage. It's hard to tell. At some point while I was talking, Archer materialized in the room. He slouches over against the wall now, his expression unreadable.

"There's nothing I can do," Rin says.

She stands with her back to us over on the other side of the room, her arms folded behind her. The very picture of composure.

I stare at her. "What."

"To be more specific," she continues, "you two can do whatever you like. Saber, too. I won't stop you. But I can't help you this time. Neither can Archer."

"But - Tohsaka!" Shirou sounds shocked, almost hurt. Archer doesn't say anything, but he turns his head away.

"Are... are you _goddamn KIDDING me?_ " I try to shout, but my voice gives out halfway through. "Do you think I'd make all this shit up? This is _real._ You can't just sweep it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist!"

She keeps her back to me. "It's not that simple."

" _How?!_ " My voice cracks again. "How is it not that simple?!"

Rin sighs. "Listen. Sakura Matou is my biological sister."

That shuts me up.

"When my father was still alive," Rin says calmly, "it was agreed that she would be adopted by the Matous, in exchange for certain concessions. The Matous are an old family. Their talent for magic has been declining for generations. They needed a heir. The contract stipulated that Sakura was to become a Matou completely. Under no circumstances were we to attempt to take her back, nor establish any untoward influence over her. As head of the Tohsaka family, it falls to me to keep my house's obligations."

"B-but, but," I sputter. "That should be, like, _double_ reasons for you to do something! _Bonus_ reasons! You're gonna let this slide because of - what? Some stupid piece of paper?!"

"Contracts between mage families don't work that way!" Rin snaps. She pauses, then continues in the same emotionless tone. "As family head, there is a compulsive _geas_ on me to make sure I stick to the terms of the agreement. If I take any action against the Matous on her behalf... if I get too close to her, or talk to her for too long... it could kill me. The spell feedback could even rebound on her. Then I'd be gone, and she'd be even worse off than she was before."

"Tohsaka," Shirou croaks. "That's - that's just _insane._ You've been living with a gun to your head this entire time?"

She shrugs. "That's what it means to be a mage."

"Wait... hold on." I blink. "That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't that stop you from fighting Rider?"

Rin goes completely still. "What do you mean?" Shirou asks.

Oh, right. Guess I hadn't really gotten around to that part. What with, you know. All the horrible to get through. "So, yeah... you were right about Shinji not being a mage. _Sakura's_ the one who summoned Rider. Her, uh, grandfather made her." Bluh. Zouken Matou. The less time I spend thinking about that fuck, the better... straight-up goddamn monster, that's what he is...

 **⇒ focus**

I shake my head. "Thing is, she didn't want anything to do with the war. So they found some way for her to hand control over to Shinji." Something involving a book, I guess? That part's kind of fuzzy. "Anyway. If you can't send Archer, that means Servants count as, like, _tools_ or whatever as far as this contract's concerned, right? But then... wouldn't fighting Rider be basically the same as fighting Sakura? That would count as you interacting too, wouldn't it?"

Rin unfolds her arms. She lets her hands fall to her sides.

"Look, it doesn't matter how that stuff works," Shirou says. "If Sakura can somehow take back control of Rider, that makes getting her out of that house a lot easier." I can tell from the way his eyes scan back and forth that he's already thinking up battle plans.

"That's presuming she's willing to go against the will of her family," Archer growls.

"Well... yeah. Why wouldn't she?"

Above our heads, the lights flicker and dim.

Archer sighs. "The psychology of this kind of situation can be complex. Sometimes, victims may even come to identify with their captors. It's a way of coping with repeated trauma over long periods of time."

Shirou narrows his eyes. "What are you saying? How would you even know something like that's happened to Sakura?"

The temperature of the air around us suddenly drops.

"I don't. I'm just saying it's possible. You can't always count on a hostage being in the right frame of mind -"

"Uh... guys?" I whimper.

The room begins to shake. No - the entire _house._ One of the forgotten teacups vibrates off the edge of the coffee table and falls. It bounces off the carpet and freezes in mid-air, its contents hanging in an arc above the floor.

Rin laughs. It's not a pleasant sound.

White-hot lines of energy glow through the sleeves of her sweater. The wind in the room picks up. Darkness and flashes of lightning collect around her. There's this pressure in the air - the feeling of years of suppressed emotions being released all at once.

It is legitimately the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed. And remember - I'm speaking as a repeat visitor to the apocalypse here.

Rin turns to us, her head tilted at a strange angle, her eyes shining bright red. Tears trail down the sides of her face. She wears a huge, utterly insane grin.

"GRAIL WARS," she says, her voice magnified and distorted a hundredfold, "ARE EXEMPT FROM THE CONTRACT. IF SHE'S A MASTER, SHE'S _MINE._ "

 **⇒ jesus**

I'm already hiding behind my chair. Shirou grips the arms of the couch, his face pale. Even _Archer_ looks freaked out. His eyes shift around the room like he's scanning for an exit.

"SHIROU." Rin's grin grows wider. Crap. Is she floating? I think she's floating, just slightly above the floor. "CALL SABER NOW. AS SOON AS SHE'S HERE, WE'RE GOING OVER TO THE MATOUS. WE'RE GETTING MY BABY SISTER OUT OF THERE. AND THEN WE'RE GONNA BURN THAT SHITHEAP RIGHT TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GROUND! ANY OF YOU _BOYS_ GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"

"... no?" Emiya says weakly.

"Definitely not," Archer hastily adds.

"You... sure you want to do this, like, _now_ now?" I squeak from behind cover. "Don't want to take some time, think it over, maybe get a plan together -"

"DID I STUTTER?!" Rin roars, her voice like the crash of thunder. A blast of wind sweeps my chair across the room into the wall. I'm left without shelter, staring helplessly into the heart of the storm. "WHEN I SAY NOW, I MEAN _RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!_ "

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 26, day 3, early night**

"... and then we all went to the Matou place and died," I finish.

Once again, we're all sitting in Emiya's kitchen - me, Shirou, Rin, Saber and Archer. Except this is on _Sunday_ night, for a change. Didn't feel up to making the trek out to Rin's. Fortunately, calling her up and mentioning I had information about her baby sister proved more than enough incentive to get them to come to me.

"What, all of us?" Archer asks.

"Yeah." I pull my blanket in closer around me. "Turns out they've got these crazy good wards on the house that countered all of Rin's spells. You and Saber were making progress on breaking through. But then Rider came flying out - on this freaking _winged horse_ \- and turned us all to stone with her eyes. Because she's a medusa or something, I guess?" Medusae? Medusi? I forget what the plural is supposed to be. "Anyway, none of us even made it through the front door."

I take another sip of tea from the cup in my gloved hands. Trying to be more careful with the voice this time. Also, from here on out, I'm always wearing gloves. _Always._

 **⇒ to be absolutely clear**  
 **⇒ you are wearing actual clothes under that blanket right**

Uh, yeah? Of course? Give me some credit. I'm not that far gone. The blanket's just... sort of a comfort thing right now. Helps me stay calm.

Anyway, it's kind of interesting how different everyone's reactions are. _Shirou's_ the one who's angry this time around, for instance. Halfway through my report on Sakura's memories, he got up and put his fist through one of the walls. None of us said anything. For her part, Rin just looks pale and tired. She hasn't done her whole Galadriel bit yet. I guess me telling her about the contract exemption up front took the wind out of her sails. (Or maybe she can only do that stuff inside her own home? Not going to pretend that wasn't a reason I asked them to meet me here instead.)

"If there are defenses," Saber says, "would it not make sense to liberate her while she's _away_ from the house? For instance, while she's at school?" Her voice is as calm as ever, but there's this look in her eyes that makes me think someone's gonna die before too long. Heroes, you know? Put a damsel in distress in front of them, shit gets real.

"Fuck." I slap my forehead. "We can't. I forgot - this was her last day in school. After today, she calls in sick for the rest of the week." Her grandfather's doing, no doubt.

"What?!" Shirou slams his hand down on the table. "Then why didn't you tell us sooner?!"

"Hey, screw you, man!" I retort. "I've got the highlight reel from _ten years_ of abuse inside my head! Which - just FYI? Includes _sensations._ I think I'm doing pretty damned good here, all things considered!"

As good as it gets, anyway. To be honest, I spent most of the last two days huddled in the fetal position inside of my room, alternately screaming and crying my eyes out. But it's not like there's a metric for something like this, right?

 **⇒ there really isn't**  
 **⇒ you sure you're up for this**

No. But... I want to do something. I _need_ to do something, you know? Knowing that everything I saw is still going on, right now, as we sit here talking... that almost hurts as much as the memories do. So I get where Shirou's coming from here. Even if he is kind of being a dick about it at the moment.

Shirou opens his mouth to fire back. Before he can, Rin speaks up. "I just wanted to believe she was happy," she says quietly, her voice hollow. She stares out into space. "Why... how could I let myself be so _wrong?_ "

The room goes quiet. Shit. I take it all back. Bring on Galadriel. This is worse. Shirou reaches out to touch her elbow, then hesitates.

 **⇒ try to keep them focused on the now**

"You didn't know," I finally say. Which sounds pretty lame, but it's all I can think of. "None of us did. Now that we do, though... how do we make up for lost time?"

"We're at a tactical disadvantage." Archer folds his arms. "Even putting aside the wards and Rider, the enemy controls the terrain. We have no way to know what kind of traps they could have waiting for us inside."

Oof, fuck. That's a good point. I mean, the Bug Room alone... I flash back to the image of a milky-white centipede the size of a horse, its jaws reaching out for my - _her_ \- eyes, and shudder.

"There's a reason invading a mage's lair is usually considered suicide," Saber agrees. "We need something to level the playing field."

"I've been thinking about that." I put my teacup down on the table. "If we're gonna do this... we need to break out the big guns."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Those familiar with_ Unlimited Blade Works _might notice that I've deviated from the source material here. In the canon route, Sakura continues to go to school throughout the story. Even when her brother specifically targets the school and tries to kill everyone there. Including her. In spite of her being... you know... THE ENTIRE KEY TO HER GRANDFATHER'S PLANS. I mean, seriously, Zouken? Shinji even claims the whole plot was your idea. Does shit planning just run in the family, or was the worm in charge of logical thinking on break that day, or what?_

 _The binding magical contract/geas between the Tohsakas and the Matous is my way of making sense of Rin's behavior with regards to Sakura. (I mean, yeah, I know, she's being a loyal daughter and following her dad's orders... but Sakura is the_ only _family she has left. She might not be ready to take on Zouken, but c'mon. Why wouldn't she try to cheat things where she could, unless there was something actively preventing her from doing so? - And yes, Rin can be pretty self-centered. But in this case, I'd argue that's even_ more _of a reason for her to abandon or evade the agreement with the Matous whenever she felt like it.) In case Rin wasn't being entirely clear in the heat of the moment, the idea is that there was an exception built into the contract that would still allow the families to fight against each other in a Grail War. Basically, if both Rin and Sakura directly participate in the war by summoning Servants, the terms of the contract are temporarily rescinded so that they can fight/interact with each other as they please... up to and including, say, Rin gleefully nuking the Matou household and reclaiming Sakura as family. (So why doesn't she consider doing this in canon? Because she's usually not aware that Sakura's a Master.) Yeah. Zouken probably shouldn't have left that particular contingency quite so open-ended..._

 _And yes, the contract really should have included some sort of clause making it null and void in the case of Sakura being mistreated by the Matous. Tokiomi might have been a snappy dresser and a decent mage, but a good negotiator? Not so much, I'm afraid._

 _Edit: Decided to try and rein in Rin's big scene a little more. Didn't really work, but I like this better anyway._


	18. II:4

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.4

 **⇒ continue: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon**

The massive front door swings open. "Sup." I wave the little white flag in my hand, even if it's just a handkerchief scotch-taped to a pencil. "Neutral envoy from two other Masters here. Can Illyasviel come out to play?"

So Rin cast this spell that helped me get some sleep last night. As a result, I managed to come here sans blanket. Getting out to the von Einzbern estate is a gigantic pain in the ass, by the way. Then again, I'd sorta guessed things were heading that way when Rin's directions came along with a compass and a terrain map. Kinda amazing that I've never heard of this place before. You'd think people would be more interested in a _massive fucking castle_ in the middle of the woods right outside of town. Wonder if it even shows up on Google Maps?

 **⇒ okay hold up**  
 **⇒ you lost me**

What do you mean?

 **⇒ not saying this is a bad move**  
 **⇒ but how do you know this isn't suicide**

Well, I don't, really. This is still crazy risky. But after that stuff two loops ago, I'm fairly certain she'll at least hear me out. Remember?

 **⇒ no**

Really? Huh. Could've sworn you were around for all that. But okay. Let's rewind, then -

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 24, day 1, late night**

"Master, stay back!" Saber draws her sword as the fog swirls around us. "Let me -"

"Nah, I got it." Hands jammed in my jacket pockets, I walk at a casual pace up the street towards Illyasviel von Einzbern and Berserker.

 **⇒ huh**  
 **⇒ bold move**  
 **⇒ weren't you pissing yourself at the sight of them a few loops back**

Eh, probably still will if they sneak up on me or something. That said, you'd be amazed how few fucks you have left to give after seeing the apocalypse a couple of times over.

 **⇒ what about that one theory you were gonna test**

Later. There's something else I want to try first.

The little girl eyes me as I approach. "... should I know you?"

I ignore her. "You. Tiny murder girl. What is your damage?"

"My - excuse me?!" She draws herself up to her full height. Which isn't much, of course, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

"You heard me," I snap. "You said Shirou took something from you. How's that work when he's never met you before?"

"I - _what?_ " she sputters. Looks like I caught her off-guard. Works for me. Just as long as it keeps her from remembering she could have Berserker crush me like a fly whenever.

"Time loop, blah blah blah, point is, I know stuff." I wave my hands. " _Including,_ FYI, how to take out your buddy Lou Ferrigno there. Just sayin'."

Illyasviel laughs. "Right. A rando like you knows how kill Hercules, son of Zeus."

"Wha - that's _Hercules?_ " I blink and eye Berserker. He gives me this kind of blank look in return. I get the sense he's out of his element when it comes to things outside of smashing and smashing-adjacent contexts. "Well, shit. No wonder he's so broken."

"Exactly," she says smugly.

"Doesn't matter, though." I scratch my ear. "We still know how to kill him. Personally, I'd rather not. Been there, done that. Besides, it's kinda sad to watch. Feels like drowning someone's puppy, you know?"

Illyasviel narrows her eyes. "You really expect me to believe there's a Noble Phantasm capable of overcoming Berserker's regeneration?"

"Hey, believe what you want." I shrug. "Give you a hint, though. It doesn't really matter what we've got when Sir Isaac Newton's on our side." Eh, crap. Think I might've just said too much.

Her eyes flick over to the group and back. "... I've never heard of him being summoned before. What is he, a Caster?"

"Maybe." Woosh, okay, bullet dodged. "Anyway. You gonna answer my question or what?"

"I - that's none of your business!" She crosses her arms.

Oh, to hell with it. This is getting me nowhere. "You know what? Fine. Be that way." I throw up my hands. "I don't care. I have my own shit to deal with. Your issues? Not my problem."

"Well - fine!" Illya stomps her foot on the ground. "Maybe I'll just go home and wait for you idiots to kill each other then!"

I roll my eyes. "Whatever floats your boat, princess."

" _Fine!_ "

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

So I'm not one hundred percent sure what we're arguing about at this point. I just know it pisses me off. I turn and stomp back towards the others.

 **⇒ dude**  
 **⇒ that was fucking awesome**

It was? Then why was it so goddamn _irritating?_ I get back to the group. "All right, let's go."

"Um... what just happened?" Shirou asks.

Rin just stares at me. "What the hell was that?"

"Aside from a complete waste of my fucking time?" I growl. "No idea."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 24, day 5, morning**

So... are you seeing this shit? Because I have no idea how to process this.

 **⇒ where are you**

Outside the school. Since I still can't be inside Rider's field without passing out, I took the liberty of going on an... "extended" bathroom break right before it switched on. Figured I'd keep an eye on things outside while Shirou and Rin take care of business, just in case anything weird happens.

And, well... the von Einzbern kid showed up. Knew that was a possibility. Can't say I was expecting this, though.

 **⇒ describe**

She's sitting in the bus stop across the street from the school. In plain daylight. Alone. And in her usual getup, weird brimless purple cap and all. So already she couldn't stick out harder if she tried - but on top of that? She's reading a newspaper. Upside down. With some big obvious eyeholes cut out in the middle. Do you get what I'm talking about here?

 **⇒ not gonna lie**  
 **⇒ that is kind of adorable**

 _Suspiciously_ adorable. It's so over-the-top twee she obviously has to be trying to lure me into lowering my guard. Unless she knows that I'd spot that, and is just trying to freak me out? She has to have seen me by now, too. Hasn't moved a muscle.

... shit. What if talking to her on the first night just means she's switched to stalking _me_ rather than Shirou? Dammit, what was I even trying to do back there?

 **⇒ i thought you were just trolling her**

I mean, not deliberately? I guess my whole thought process there was that it occurred to me - after seeing her scared to die and everything - that maybe I'd been looking at her more as a _Resident Evil_ boss fight rather than as an actual person. And that if I just tried talking to her, she might decide to hold off on the whole violent murderfest? I figured it was worth a shot, anyway. Also, I was probably the only one who she might let get close enough to talk, since she'd see Rin or Saber approaching her as a threat, and she'd likely just kill Shirou.

And it worked, I guess - but then it turned out that while she _is_ an actual person, she's a person who's _really fucking frustrating?_ In a way that kind of reminds me a lot of the Brat, come to think of it.

 **⇒ oh**  
 **⇒ that's a little disappointing tbh**

I weep for your shattered expectations. But seriously. You gonna give me some useful advice here or what?

 **⇒ did you raise the flag**

Yeah. Just sent Shirou a text. (Turns out after all this time he _does_ have a cheap little pay-as-you-go cell phone for emergencies. He just forgets to bring it with him unless someone reminds him.) So now what?

 **⇒ try talking to her again i guess**  
 **⇒ only this time leave your own baggage out of it**

... yeah. Yeah, okay, fine. But if Berserker materializes and rips out my spine, you owe me a Coke or something.

I walk across the street and approach her. "So this is a joke, right," I say by way of greeting. "You're doing some kind of bit here."

"Whatever do you mean?" Illyasviel flips a page, which naturally has the same eyeholes cut out. "I am a perfectly ordinary European tourist, awaiting one of the many ingenious mass transit options you have in this country."

"Uh-huh." My eyes keep going back to that cap. I guess it's like a fez or something, without the tassel? I dunno. It just looks to me like someone stuck a round hatbox on her head and called it a day.

"Oh, don't look so nervous." She folds the paper and puts it down on the bench next to her. "I left Berserker at home today. Besides, it's considered poor form to kill retainers when their Master isn't around."

"But that's not the same as _'against the rules,'_ though, is it?" I counter. "And you're telling me you came out to watch a battle between three Servants without any kind of protection?"

The little girl clicks her tongue. The air blurs. I find myself with a massive axe blade held just a few millimeters away from my windpipe.

"Oh, who said anything about me being unprotected?" Illyasviel gives me a bright smile.

 **⇒ pretty classy you gotta admit**

Let's table that for when I don't have a very sharp weapon in my face. I eye the pale woman holding the halberd - an honest-to-God fucking _halberd,_ ten foot reach and all - to my trachea. She's wearing this weird kind of maid or handmaiden's costume. She's also an albino - looks similar enough to the kid, in fact, that they could be relatives, maybe cousins or something. For no particular reason at all, I mentally dub her 'Funbags.'

 **⇒ dude not cool**

 _She is holding a blade to my neck I am allowed to be mean._ "I see your point," I say to Illyasviel carefully, eying the spike at the end of the weapon.

She smirks. "You're funny. I like that. Return to standby."

"Acknowledged," Funbags says. She pulls the halberd back and stands at attention. Just another reminder that just about everyone around me could kill me at any time, I guess. Yay.

I rub the front of my neck. "So... what brings you out here?"

"I told you. I'm waiting for a bus." Illyasviel sits back. "And frankly, I must admit I'm rather bored. I thought watching you idiots thinning each other out would be more entertaining. But seeing you stumble about without the slightest clue is just getting embarrassing. Take _this_ chaotic little fracas, for example." She waves towards the red lightning around the school.

I narrow my eyes. "Uh-huh. As opposed to...?"

"Well, far be it from me to gossip about the neighbors. But... your Masters _may_ be well-served by investigating that charming little tourist trap up there." She points towards the temple at the top of the mountain.

Oh. I get it. She's trying to play us somehow. That actually helps me relax a little, believe it or not. At least I have some idea what she's up to now. "And we know this isn't a trap because...?"

"Oh, I'm certain that it is," Illyasviel says cheerfully. "Just not one of mine. Christ, _finally._ "

A bus comes chugging up the hill. It stops and opens its door. (No sign of any reaction from the driver and passengers to the blood-colored energy bubble across the street. Bluh. Magic.) Instead of getting on, though, the girl watches as another albino woman, dressed in the same uniform as Funbags, steps off with three or four plastic grocery bags in hand. The door closes and the bus drives off.

"Assignment complete, miss," the new woman says to Illyasviel. She seems to ignore me entirely, albeit in a pointed way. "I can give you a full report on my experience at your leisure."

"Later, Sella," Illyasviel says. "Leysritt - up." Without missing a beat, Funbags mechanically moves to stand in front of her and hunkers down. The little girl climbs onto her back, piggyback-style.

 **⇒ again with the adorable**

I know, right? She's all over the place on this whole cute-versus-evil thing. "I really must be going," Illyasviel says to me as Funbags rises. "Do give my regards to your Masters. I'm sure Rin knows where to find me. She and Shirou should feel free to stop by. Though how much they enjoy the visit is entirely up to them." She finishes with a cold smile that shows entirely too many teeth. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

She puts a hand on her hat and clicks her tongue again. The air blurs, and all three of them are gone.

 **⇒ so that was a thing**

Right? I'm not dead, though. Guess that proves it. She _is_ capable of interactions not involving homicide. She also seems to have me pegged as Rin and Shirou's servant - you know, with a small _s._ That could be useful.

 **⇒ is she wrong though**

Let's not go there.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon**

So the one who opened the front door was Funbags. She gestures for me to come inside. "Follow," she says in her child-like monotone. I nod and walk after her.

 **⇒ yeah ok we're not calling her that**

Oh, fine. You never let me have any fun... anyway, _Leysritt_ \- did I get that right? - shows me to a large room lined with marble. I find Illyasviel there, along with Berserker. She stands on one of his shoulders, braiding little pink ribbons into his hair. He seems surprisingly okay with this. The other maid, Sella, looks on from the side.

"So - who are you from?" the little girl asks. "And why should I care?" Oh, right. She hasn't met me yet in this loop.

"Rin Tohsaka and Shirou Emiya," I say. "They'd like to propose an alliance against the Master of Rider, Shinji Matou." We decided last night to keep the fact that Sakura's the _real_ Master under our hats. No sense in putting her at risk if the kid decides to go all murder-happy.

Illyasviel snorts. "Why? I've seen Rider around. She's weak. And her Master is laughable."

She's got me there. "Well, sure," I say, "but he's backed by his family. The Matous' magic might be lacking these days, but their resources are still considerable."

"So, in other words, the heir of one dying house wants my help crushing another. Hmm..." She puts a finger to her chin. "No thanks. Crushing all of you by myself sounds like much more fun. Bye bye now! Thanks for playing!"

She motions. The handmaidens advance towards me, both of them suddenly holding matching halberds. (They didn't have them when I came in. Where the hell do they pull those things from, anyway?) Crap. Now what. We talked about this last night...

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 26, day 3, early night**

"I suppose... there is one thing I know that could help make your case." Saber taps her finger on the table. "There was an... _incident_ back during the last war..."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon**

"Wait wait wait!" I go closer towards Illyasviel. Berserker glares down at me with one glowing eye. Eep. I step back. "J-just listen! I heard that - back during the Fourth War - everyone stopped fighting and ganged up on one guy! Because he was just some random serial killer, and they all knew nothing good would come out of him getting the Grail, right?"

Leysritt grabs me by the back of my collar. Fuck, she's strong. _Really_ strong. She drags me one-handed out of the chamber as Sella steps in between me and the little girl. I keep babbling anyway. "There's this guy - Shinji's grandfather, Zolgen Makiri - I mean, Zouken Matou? The one who's really pulling the strings? He's _literally_ a monster! If he gets a wish..."

"Hold." Illyasviel raises her hand. Leysritt stops in place. "Down, please."

Berserker obligingly lifts up his hand. Illyasviel steps off of his shoulder onto his palm, and he deposits her on the ground. She walks towards me and studies my face. "... _Zolgen Makiri._ You're sure that's his name?"

"His original one, yeah. From before he moved to Japan." One of the little random factoids in the memories I got from Sakura. Don't know why I thought to mention it just now. "You know. In as much as a pile of bugs wearing a human suit can _have_ a name, I guess..." I wish I was joking about that.

"Hmm..." Illyasviel glances at Sella. She swings back and forth on her feet for a moment, thinking. Okay, what did I just do here? What's so significant about that name?

 **⇒ maybe not a whole lot of people know it**  
 **⇒ maybe it was specific to the founder of the matou family**  
 **⇒ who should have died a long time ago**

So... you think the von Einzberns don't know about his whole immortal-worm-that-walks deal? Makes sense, I guess. Is that really going to matter to them, though? For all I know, that sort of thing could be super-common in the mage world. Like, the equivalent of a nose job or Botox or something.

Illyasviel turns to me. "... very well. I accept your Masters' proposal."

Huh. Guess not, then. Sella gives her a dubious look. "My lady?"

"On one condition." Illyasviel holds up a finger. "To ensure that this isn't some kind of trap, _you_ will remain here with me as a hostage until our alliance is concluded. If your Masters betray me in any way, I'll have Berserker tear off your head and wear it around his neck as a charm point. Sound good?" She smiles cheerfully.

"Wha - but..." I think it over. Actually, that's pretty reasonable, all things considered. Not exactly how I'd expected things to go, but...

I sigh and sit down in a nearby chair. "Fine. Then we've got a condition of our own. The Matous have a girl, Sakura. She was born a Tohsaka. So long as she stays out of the fighting, we want her unharmed."

She nods. "I see no problem with that. Very well. We have a deal."

Huh. You know, I'm a lot better at this than I expected.

 **⇒ gee almost like i've been saying for years**

Mind you, come to think of it, probably should have also extracted some kind of promise that _I_ wouldn't be harmed either. Oh, well... too late for that, I guess...

I take out my cell phone. No signal, of course. "You have a landline here? I should report back to my... uh. Clients." That sounds at least a little better to my ears than _Masters._ A bit less Igor.

Illyasviel cocks her head. "Do we, Sella?"

"I... believe so, my lady," the handmaiden replies. "I'd have to go look for it."

"Do so. And when you find it, bring it back here." Illyasviel sits down at a little table that's made for her height. "I want to see how it works."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _I'm a little surprised Newton_ isn't _available as a Caster in FGO. His abilities, no doubt, would revolve around gravity and force manipulation. His natural enemies are obviously Einstein and Leibniz._

 _As those who have seen_ Fate/Zero _will know, the Caster incident during the Fourth War was a whole lot more complicated than Saber made it sound. For one thing, the Church offered the other players a bribe to bring him down. That said, I could see her wanting to skimp on the details there. Especially with Berserker from back then being a sore subject..._

 _So correct me if I'm wrong here, but there's no evidence in canon that Illya and the von Einzberns know what Zouken's deal is, right? At least not until Illya puts on the Dress of Heaven and connects entirely to the Grail, essentially going God Mode. Past that, I'm going with the theory that Zolgen/Zouken masqueraded as a descendent of the original, even among the other mage families, with his true identity kept a closely-guarded secret within the Matous. There's one or two reasons I can think of that he might want to keep that on the down-low..._

 _Next time: did someone say 'dungeon crawl'?_


	19. II:5

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.5

 **⇒ continue: iteration 26, day 5, early morning**

I'm standing a few blocks down the street from the Matou house, holding an umbrella. Intact and unharmed, I'm happy to say. It's drizzling slightly, though I know it won't last long. Somewhere behind me, the sun's just starting to rise.

"Where are they?" Illya grumbles from beneath the umbrella. "I'm getting cold."

I glance at my cell phone. "Shouldn't be long now. They're probably just getting into position."

I have to admit, she's kind of starting to grow on me. Didn't expect that. It's like there's a switch in her head that goes between 'adorable little girl' and 'evil mastermind.' So far, I can't tell which mode's real and which is the mask. Maybe both, maybe neither.

 **⇒ i thought she irritated the crap out of you**

In my defense, that was before I found out she and the maids were basically organic robots. Speaking of which. "Back to what you were saying before," I say to her. "So you're all replicants?"

"Homunculi," Sella corrects me sharply. She and Leysritt stand behind Illya in the rain.

"Right, magical replicants. Got it."

"And yes, essentially," Illya says. "The von Einzberns abandoned traditional reproduction methods centuries ago. We prefer a more... _precise_ approach."

"Okay. So it's like you're using cloning and genetic engineering to perpetuate yourselves. Gotcha." Seems pretty straightforward to me. "But you're still pretty much human, right?"

"More or less." Illya shrugs. "It depends on the purpose we're built for. Some of us are modified to live for hundreds of years. Others are more specialized. Leysritt here, for example, was created to be my bodyguard. She's nearly entirely geared towards combat. Since she was made specifically for this conflict, she most likely won't live to see her fourth birthday."

"Birthday," Leysritt echoes dreamily. I'll try and put this as tastefully as I can: I've been getting a... _special needs_ kind of vibe from her. But if what Illya just said is true, it makes sense. They probably engineered her brain to hyperfocus on fighting at the expense of all other functions. Neat, huh?

 **⇒ putting aside the part where it's completely fucking horrifying yes**

Oh. Right, yeah. There's that. I mean, come on, a lifespan of only a few years? Who would do that? It's not like they're lightbulbs or iPods. I scratch the back of my head and glance at the maids. "That seems... kinda short. Are you really okay with that?"

Leysritt just gives me a blank expression. Sella, looking chagrined, opens her mouth to say something. Before she can respond, Illya says in a distant tone, "Berserker reports that Saber has arrived. I've told him not to kill her. For now."

"Sweet." I feel my cell phone buzz. It's a text from Shirou: TWO MINUTES. "They're about to start," I say, stuffing the mobile back into my pocket. "Wait for it."

"I remember the plan, thank you."

 **⇒ also did you catch the part where you were calling a two-to-three-year-old girl funbags**

Was trying _not_ to think about that, actually. But thank you. Thank you, as always, for bringing out the guilty/squicky feelings exactly when I don't need them.

 **⇒ i live to serve**

Around ninety seconds pass. We watch the deceptively normal-looking manor down the street, its turrets and copper roofs rising above the brick walls encircling the property. Unless you know what to look for, it might never occur to you how much it resembles a prison.

A blue bolt streaks down from the sky. Archer's Caladbolg lands precisely in front of the Matous' front gate.

The wards take most of the blast before they shatter like glass and dissipate. I wince and look away until the fireball fades. When I open my eyes, the entire street in front of the house - the gate, the trees, the brick walls - has been obliterated. Flames spread across the copper roof.

Then Berserker leaps in from the tree line down the hill and smashes into the house like a wrecking ball. Saber charges in close behind him. I see Shirou and Rin following right at her heels. They look different, somehow. As in, uh... shinier. But before I can figure out what's up with that, they all vanish into the building.

I take a moment to enjoy the view. Frankly, I'm finding the sight of the Matou residence on fire extremely therapeutic at the moment. Hopefully, Sakura will feel the same way.

You know... once she's _outside_ the burning house.

Um.

In my defense, I didn't realize Archer's thing would do that.

 **⇒ live and learn i guess**  
 **⇒ unless you die of smoke inhalation**

Speaking of potential errors in judgment on my part... it only occurred to me _after_ we finished working out our strategy on the phone yesterday that - if we just waited until tonight instead to attack - Rider would already be dead at the school and our job would be that much easier. I didn't know how to bring that up in front of Illya without explaining about the time loop, though. Seemed like that might've been pushing what little trust I'd earned a bit too far. And I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to wait another day.

 **⇒ also if rider's already dead you lose your excuse for the alliance**  
 **⇒ besides this way we get to see more of what she can do**

I guess. Tell you what - if anyone asks, let's just pretend I thought of all that ahead of time, all right?

"Well. It seems the door is open." Illya snaps her fingers. Two of her bird puppets materialize in the air and take up point in front of us. "Shall we, then?"

"You're the boss, TMM," I say.

Illya eyes me. "TMM? What does TMM mean?"

"Tiny Murder Machine."

Sella growls. "You will address my lady by her proper title, cur, and with the appropriate respect. Or once this alliance is complete, I swear I will -"

"No." Illya cocks her head. "No, I think I'll allow it."

"My lady -"

"It's entirely accurate, when you think about it." The little girl shifts her eyes away. "Besides... I've never had a nickname before."

Then there's this other side to the kid - one that just feels sad and lonely. Again, what's real and what's the mask? Does it even matter?

I keep the umbrella up over her as we walk down the street to the crumbling house of Matou.

"And what even _is_ a replicant, anyway?!" Sella abruptly blurts out. She's kind of fun, too.

"O.G. _Blade Runner,_ dude," I say. "Gotta represent."

* * *

 **⇒ there's too much confusion**  
 **⇒ i can't get no relief**

We enter through the vaguely Berserker-shaped hole in the side of the house. It plows through a lounge and what might have been a small private cinema - hard to tell, though, since things got a little extra smashed in there - before emptying into a corridor leading deeper into the mansion. I can smell smoke in the air, but it still seems distant.

Illya points down a portion of the hallway that looks more mangled than the other. "That way."

I collapse the umbrella and follow her. Leysritt and the birds silently take the lead as Sella drops back behind us as rear guard. A sensible party formation.

"So I was gonna ask," I say. "I don't think I saw Berserker's ribbons."

"Those are for company, not combat," Illya says primly.

We turn a corner into an ornate dining room which looks remarkably untouched. Until -

"You're here. Good." Saber rises from behind the big table that dominates the room. She doesn't even seem to notice herself deflect Leysritt's halberd as it swings towards her neck. Illya waves her maid back with a frown. "You move more quickly than I would have expected."

I glance around. "Where's everyone else?"

"I'm not certain." Saber steps out around the table. On top of her usual gear, she has the door to the broken minifridge in Emiya's tool shed strapped to one arm. Its front has been spray-painted chrome - with a reflective finish. Improvised mirror shield. _Nice,_ Shirou. "We encountered Rider shortly after we entered. I managed to wound her, but she retreated further into the structure. Rin and Shirou broke off to look for Sakura while Berserker and I gave chase. I am honestly not certain how I lost track of them. One moment I was ten paces behind Berserker, the next..."

I look at Illya. "So what does the big guy have to say? Where is he right now?"

She closes her eyes. "Dark place. Stone walls. No windows or obvious ways out. He's also lost track of Rider, but he's still fighting. He's surrounded by these... small annoying bitey things."

I sigh. "That sounds like the Bug Room. He's down in the basement." How'd he end up there?

"Then he seems to be playing exterminator." Illya opens her eyes again. "Shall I tell him to stop and make his way back up here?"

"Yeaaahhhh, I vote he stays where he is for just a bit. I'd really prefer not having what's down there following him upstairs." Also, _really_ wasn't looking forward to dealing with that place myself. "Just tell him to keep smashing. Smashing good. A.B.S. - Always Be Smashing."

Illya shrugs. "Fine by me. Those things look icky."

"I should continue after Rider," Saber says. "She couldn't have gone far."

 **⇒ something feel off here to you**

Yeah. The way Saber was talking, it sounds like she thinks we're way deeper into the house than we really are. Not to mention, how'd Berserker end up in the basement anyway? Sure, maybe he fell through a trap door or something, but what'd stop him from just jumping straight back out?

I go to one of the windows and take a peek through the curtains. "Oh, hey, guess what. Looks like we're on the second floor." I turn back to the others. "I don't remember going up any stairs. Does anyone else?"

Everyone - minus Leysritt, who seems to be distracted by her reflection in a particularly shiny candlestick - shakes their head. Illya glances at the maids. "Sella?"

"Yes, my lady." Sella mutters some words and draws a glowing sigil in the air. She studies the light from the phantasm carefully. "We seem to be within at least one bounded field. I am unable to identify the exact class or nature of the spell being used. My best guess is that it's either some form of illusion or material transmutation magecraft."

In other words, the place can either rearrange itself or make us think that it can. Dammit. I hate it when Dungeon Masters pull these kinds of bullshit mind games.

 **⇒ who could have guessed invading the home of a centuries-old practitioner of the dark arts would be so complicated**

"All the same, I should move on." Saber looks at me. "Tom - try to find Shirou and Rin if you can. Otherwise, be on your guard."

She exits the room. It occurs to me that, after all this, it might be a good idea to sit down with everyone and have a little talk about maybe not splitting up the party. Then again, I suppose it's not like that particular maxim worked out great for me the last time I tried it...

I look at Illya. "So now what?"

"Hmm... let's keep going for the moment. I want to see if we can find some kind of library or workshop in here."

"Looking out for that sweet, sweet mage loot, huh?" I take one more glance out the window and let go of the curtain. "I can respect that."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Naturally, we run into Rider first.

We pass through a series of hallways and assorted spaces - a crumbling art studio, some sort of greenhouse, a coat closet, a kitchen, a garage containing an old horse-drawn carriage up on concrete blocks - until we enter what looks to be a billiards room. And there she is, sitting on top of a pool table, nursing a cut on her upper thigh.

This is the first good look I've gotten of her with my own eyes. True to Sakura's memories, she's absolutely gorgeous, to the point that my brain almost refuses to believe she's real - long pink hair, dressed in a skin-tight black corset and long evening gloves. None of the snake-like features or life-ending ugliness I would've expected from her entry in the _Monster Manual._ She wields a pair of metal spikes, connected by a long chain. (What would you even call those? Chained spikes? Nail-chucks?) She also wears this leather blindfold thing over her eyes, I assume to keep the petrification effect from going off when she doesn't want it to. Lucky for me.

She immediately jumps to her feet, looking just about as surprised as we are. I turn away and drop back as she tosses one of her spikes at us. "Watch the eyes, _watch the eyes..._ "

"We _know,_ " Illya says, sounding cross. She shuts her eyes tight. Doesn't seem to slow her down, though - one of her birds blasts the weapon in midair, sending it spinning away. I see a blur in my peripheral vision as Rider leaps at Illya. But Leysritt steps in her way and meets the Servant's fist with her own. The shockwave their impact sends through the air is enough to make me stumble back into a wall. No one else appears to so much as flinch.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I'm feeling a little out of my league here. If I stick around, chances are good I'll just wind up getting in the way.

 **⇒ yeah**  
 **⇒ might be a good time for an ignoble retreat**

Way ahead of you. "So I'll go check in with the others," I mutter. If anyone notices or cares, they don't say anything. I flee through the door we came through and back down the hall.

At least until I trip on something. I steady myself with the umbrella and look down.

Turns out I'm not the only coward here. Shinji Matou shrinks back from me, his eyes practically bulging in terror. He's down on the floor, huddled behind this gigantic clay floor vase set against the hallway wall. He clutches a destroyed, half-burned book in his arms. From the smell in the air, I'm guessing the pants he's wearing are a write-off at this point.

 _This_ fucker. I step back and point the umbrella at his face. He looks up at me in mute terror.

I glance down the hallway. I can still see Illya's group fighting through the doorway. All I need to do is call out to them that Rider's Master is here, and one of the maids will rush over and gut him like a fish.

So why am I hesitating?

 **⇒ time for today's bioware interrupt**  
 **⇒ paragon or renegade**  
 **⇒ make the call place your bets**

Not going to lie. Just looking at this asshole makes me feel sick to my stomach. The things I saw him do in Sakura's memories... the rest of us didn't realize the hell she was going through. But this guy? Not only did he know, he _participated._ He _helped._ Hell, he even _laughed_ about it.

On the other hand... I try to imagine how being raised by a total monster would twist someone. Sakura had, what, five or six years with her real family, right? But what kind of guideposts could this jabroni have had? If someone's raised in a place where what's wrong is the norm, is it fair to expect them to figure out what's right on their own? Sure, a crime is a crime. Punish him, institutionalize him, lock him up and throw away the key. But skipping straight to execution?...

... fuck. Who am I kidding. "Go on," I growl. "Get outta here. Don't make me regret it."

He gets up and flees, whimpering. I can't help but try to get the last word in. "You're a disgrace to Shinjis everywhere, you know that?!" I yell at his back. He doesn't respond, quickly vanishing into the labyrinth.

 **⇒ good**  
 **⇒ that was the right choice to make i think**

I hope so. I'm half-expecting this whole thing to end with him stabbing me in the back or fucking us all over somehow. You know, the whole ironic twist ending thing. Still... cliché as it might sound, I guess he just didn't feel worth killing to me.

 **⇒ sucks to be the good guy sometimes**

Only sometimes? Anyway... let's go see if there's anything I can do to help with this whole rescue business.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

After a few more empty rooms and another detour through the greenhouse, I come across a staircase leading up. Not sure I see the point of it in a place where a first-story door can lead to a third-story whatever, but okay, why not. I head upstairs.

The smoke is a little thicker up here, enough to sting my eyes. (How does _that_ make any sense?) I reach the top of the stairs and turn the corner...

... where I almost immediately run into Shirou. Startled, he raises the metal pipe he's holding. "Guah!" I drop the umbrella and raise my hands in surrender. "Wait, ID friendly! ID friendly!"

"Oh, it's just you." Relieved, he lowers the pipe. "You okay?"

"So far. Forget about that, though. Where did you get that _gear?!_ " I gesture to the makeshift breastplate he's wearing over his clothes and the small buckler strapped to one of his arms.

"Oh, this stuff?" He glances down. "I just threw it together from some scrap yesterday. I didn't have time to paint everything, though, so we just wound up using this instead..." He scratches the edge of the shiny tin foil the shield is wrapped in and shrugs.

"You _made your own armor?_ Dude!" I give him two enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"Heh, thanks." He grins and awkwardly scratches the back of his head. "It didn't really work, though. I mean, it kept us from getting paralyzed by Rider and all. But it didn't seem to reflect the attack back at her, like in the story."

I shrug. "Still. That was good thinking..."

"Will you two _shut up?_ " Rin hisses, leaning out of a nearby door. "We are in _enemy territory_ here. Flirt later!" I can't help but notice she also appears to be wearing a foil-wrapped cuirass, albeit one that looks a bit lighter and more patchwork than Shirou's. Dammit. I really missed out this time.

I wince. "Sorry." She vanishes back inside. We're in a hallway with three doors on each side, all of which have been thrown open. There looks to be another staircase leading back down at the other end of the corridor.

"Any sign of Sakura?" I mutter to Shirou.

He shakes his head. "We haven't even found her room yet."

"Ever been there before?" Not that it sounds like he and Sakura are _that_ close, but it doesn't hurt to check.

"Nah. Anything about it in the memories you got from her? It'd help if we at least knew what to look for."

"I don't... _think_ so?" Most of the background details in those memories seem fuzzy or indistinct, unless they're specifically relevant, like in the case of the Bug Room. Not much of a surprise, really, considering how upset Sakura is in most of them...

 **⇒ focus**

I'm okay. I think I'm getting a handle on this whole deal. Feels like I'm having an easier time keeping the flashbacks in check, anyway.

Rin walks into the hallway. "Anything useful?" Shirou asks her.

She shakes her head with a disgusted grunt. "All decorative books. Fake copies of _Jane Eyre_ and Tolstoy, that kind of thing." Glancing behind her, I see what looks like a small library or study. "Let's go."

I follow them as they head down the hallway. I glance through each of the open doors as we pass by. Bathroom. Some kind of spa? The garage again. A trophy room, with a number of moldy deer heads mounted on the walls. And...

I stop by the last door on the left. "Hey," I say. "Hold up."

"What is it?" Shirou glances at me.

I walk slowly through the door into what looks like your bog-standard guest bedroom. Nothing on the walls. Bed, nightstand, lamp, a pair of dressers with the shelves pulled out.

But beyond all of that, though... there's a narrow door in the back corner that clearly should belong to a linen closet or something. I would've walked right past it without a second glance normally. If it didn't seem weirdly familiar for some reason...

I reach out with my gloved hand and try the handle. Locked.

"You got something?" Rin asks. I turn to see her and Shirou standing behind me. I can only shrug.

"Okay..." Shirou puts his pipe down on the bed and limbers up his shoulder. "Just gimme a second here - I'll get it..."

Rin steps past me and kicks the lock with a perfect roundhouse. The door bursts open.

"Open," Shirou finishes lamely.

"There," Rin says. She walks into the should-be-a-closet.

Huh. Skills. She's got 'em. Shirou and I look at each other. I raise my eyebrows and shrug. Wearing a slightly miffed expression, he picks his pipe back up. We follow her in.

* * *

It's not a closet, of course. Instead, we find ourselves in a wide passageway that leads to a set of double doors. This house, I swear.

When we reach the end, something clicks and I know we're in the right place. "This is it," I murmur.

I look at them. Rin looks at him. Shirou sighs and nods. "Yeah, okay. I've got it." He steps past me and opens the door.

Sakura's room is bright and airy, if a little spartan. The only pieces of furniture I can see are her bed, a desk and a chair. There's a bookshelf set in the wall, though, and a potted flower plant sitting on the window ledge. It's the first room I've seen in the house that feels anywhere close to natural. Well, sort of - appropriately enough, the passageway seems to lead out of what should be her closet. Aside from the windows, though, I don't see any other exits. Did her grandfather just kinda... seal her up in here?

Sakura herself sits in the middle of the bare floor, wrapped up in a blanket. It actually looks just like the one I have on my bed at home, except mine's beige instead of lime green. She peeks out from beneath her impromptu hood. "... Shirou." She doesn't sound surprised.

"Hi." Shirou takes a deep breath. "Can I... yeah." Looking embarrassed, he steps into the room.

... he's not any better at this than I am, is he.

 **⇒ nope**

Sakura slides back away from Shirou as he enters, her face flushing bright red. I'm getting the feeling this isn't going to be the quick in-and-out she-grabs-a-blaster-and-jumps-down-the-trash-chute kind of scenario I'd been hoping for. "You shouldn't be here," she says. "Grandfather won't like this."

"I know, sorry..." Shirou scratches the back of his head.

So... um.

It occurs to me - at what I would like to fully acknowledge is a fairly late stage in the game here - that it might have been a good idea for me to actually _ask_ Sakura about what _she_ wants. Before we... you know. Busted our way here in like a magical SWAT team. Tried to kill her Servant. Set her house a little on fire.

 **⇒ gee**  
 **⇒ you think**

I know, I know. It's just - the memories, and Rin's whole bit, and the shock... I guess I just got swept up into things, you know? I saw a problem and it hurt, so I tried to fix it.

 **⇒ but she isn't a problem**  
 **⇒ she's someone who has problems**  
 **⇒ you need to learn the difference**

I get it. I really wanted to help, though. Doesn't that count for anything?

 **⇒ i don't know**  
 **⇒ why don't you ask her after mr. superhero here finishes selling this 'rescue'**

Shirou tries to rally. "So, look... we learned some things. About you."

" _We?_ " Sakura looks directly at me. "Who's that?"

"Oh, uh. That's Tom. He lives down the street."

I timidly give her a small wave. She returns the gesture, her expression trapped somewhere between confusion and apprehension.

"But that doesn't really matter right now," Shirou says. "The main thing is - we know you're Rider's Master."

"Oh." Sakura looks away. "Are you here to kill me?"

"What? No! Of course not!" Shirou hesitates. He very carefully places his pipe down on the floor and steps a few paces away from it. "We heard what your family's been doing to you. So we came to get you out of here! ... God, why didn't I just say that in the first place?"

She blinks. "And... take me where, exactly?"

"Wherever you want. Though... just to start with... maybe your sister's place." Emiya steps away from the door.

"My... what?" Sakura looks past him into the passageway.

Slight hitch, though: Rin's hiding to the side of the door, her back pressed against the corridor's wall. She glares at me, as if daring me to say something.

I hold up a finger to Sakura and sidestep out of the frame. _What are you doing?_ I silently mouth. _Get out there!_

 _Screw off!_ Rin furiously mouths back. _It's none of your business!_

Oh, for fuck's sake. I shake my head and mouth, _just talk to her already._ Before she can stop me, I grab her by the shoulders - or, at least, the metal plates over them - and shove her through the door.

"... Rin?" Sakura stares at her. "Okay, first, what the hell are you wearing? But second - you can't be here. You know it's against..."

"There's a loophole," Rin grumbles. She gives me another glare, then turns away to Sakura, arms folded behind her back. I guess that's her default stoic-adult-mode pose.

"Look... I don't expect you to forgive me. _I_ probably wouldn't, if I were in your position. If I'd been... well." Rin swallows. "It was a mistake to abide by our agreement with the Matous. I see that now. As family head, I should have broken the pact years ago, consequences be damned. God only knows I thought about it... especially after Mom died..."

"I don't know why Dad chose you for this and not me. I'll probably always wonder. And... I really don't know how to even begin finding a way to make this all up to you. But... if you can... if you're willing to give me a..."

And that's when she stops, because Sakura is standing behind her. Putting aside the hair and eye color, you can really see the family resemblance. Seems kind of obvious now, in fact.

"... are you real?" Sakura's voice trembles. She tugs lightly at the elbow of Rin's sweater. "Are you really here?"

Rin stares out into space. "... I'm here."

Sakura hugs her, pressing her face against her sister's back. She lets out a strangled sob. And Rin - Rin just _completely_ fucking loses it.

 **⇒ awwwwwww**

Takin' it all back. All those regrets I just mentioned. _Worth. It._

Shirou and I just let them have the moment. Fortunately, Rin pulls herself out of the hug after a few minutes. "Okay, okay, come on. Game face. Game. Face." She sniffs and wipes her eyes on her sleeve. Slaps herself lightly on the face once or twice for good measure. "Okay. We need to get you out of here. And we _are_ getting you out of here, got it? Is there anything you need to take with you? Clothes or - or -"

Sakura shakes her head.

"Okay." Rin straightens her hair. "Let's move."

She sets off down the hall. Sakura hesitates, then goes after her. Shirou and I exchange grins - _yay! we helped/were vaguely useful!_ \- and follow.

* * *

The euphoria lasts until we run into Rider.

For some reason or another, _I'm_ in the lead - I don't know why, guess I just wasn't thinking. Stupid. One second I'm walking out of the guest bedroom, the next someone frigging _punts_ me down the hall. I land on my back and skid down the carpet a meter or so. So, initial reaction: ow.

 **⇒ are you okay**

Yeah. I mean, been better, but I think I'm just surprised more than anything. I raise my head and there she is.

I don't know if it was Illya and company or if she ran into Saber again or what, but man, since I last saw her, Rider's been _fucked up._ There's this massive, bloody wound where her stomach probably used to be. Her gloves and one of her thigh-high boots have been shredded. Cuts and burns across her arms, legs and face. Don't see any sign of the spike-chucks. I guess she lost them? She's limping, seems to be having trouble staying on her feet - she's actually driven her right hand straight into the wall next to her as a way to root herself in place.

Also, her blindfold is off.

Her eyes are still closed, though. That's the only thing that saves me. I curse and cover my face.

"Tom, what - shit!" Shirou's the next one out of the door. He immediately raises his tiny shield in front of his face and holds up his pipe. Rin comes out low behind him. She kneels down, her arm pointed out - but she has to be keeping her eyes closed, so how could she aim? This one's gonna be rough...

"Rider, _stop._ "

Or maybe not. Sakura steps out of the guest bedroom in her lime-green blanket, behind her sister and her friend. She looks straight at Medusa. "It's all right. They're not going to hurt me."

"... Master," Rider rasps. Huh. Pretty voice. "... you are uninjured? You're safe?"

Sakura hesitates, then nods.

Rider lowers her head. I peek through my fingers and catch the tiny smile on her face. "... I'm glad."

The Servant immediately dissolves into mist, which spreads and fades out of the air. Like dust in the wind. Sakura bows her head and looks away.

I pull myself off the ground. "Is that what happens when they..." I've never seen it happen up close like this before, come to think of it.

"When they go home," Rin says quietly. "Yeah."

Sakura looks up. "... oh."

Wait, is she looking at me? No. _Behind_ me. Oh, great. Already dreading what I'm about to see, I turn around.

All the other doors we saw in this hallway - the ones leading to the spa and the garage and so on? - are gone. Like they never existed. So's the staircase I used to get up here. The corridor just dead-ends four or five meters down from me.

Sakura looks back to Shirou and Rin. "He knows."

* * *

When we look back in, the guest room closet is - well - just an actual closet now. So our only option is to go down the remaining staircase, which ends at a single closed door at the bottom.

 **⇒ that bodes well**

Oh, this is so totally a boss fight. No need to even guess. I mean, only one path forward? All the previous areas we've visited blocked off? The only thing that could make it more obvious is some ominous chanting in the background. Or a save point. I could really go for one of those right about now, honestly.

But here we are anyway. As the guy wearing the most armor, Shirou takes the lead. He puts his hand on the doorknob and glances back up the stairs at us. "Ready?"

Rin gives him a tight nod. Sakura looks ready to throw up, but doesn't say anything. I just shrug. "Not gonna change anything if I say _no,_ is it?"

"I guess not." Shirou takes a deep breath. "Okay..."

He opens the door.

" _Finally,_ " a voice grumbles. "Get out here and face me already. Damn hooligans..."

Yep. Boss fight.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So if Rin feels a little out of character here, please keep in mind that this is a Rin who's less than forty-eight hours into finding out what her only living relative's been going through in excruciating detail. She's been shocked way, way outside of her comfort zone. It's making her talk a lot more openly and honestly than she otherwise might. That's how I decided to play it, anyway._

 _Next time: time to battle the lich, maybe!_


	20. II:6

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.6

 **⇒ continue: iteration 26, day 5, morning**

"Miserable little punks." The bald, skeletal old man glowers down at us from a balcony on the other side of the room. He's wearing a bathrobe - not a _kimono,_ I'm pretty sure, an actual black terry cloth bathrobe - and grips a simple wooden cane (which I do _not_ trust) in one hand. " _Drian'._ Rats running inside my walls. You thought you could rob from me, hm?" On cue, the door slams shut behind us.

We're in a... shit, is this a _ballroom?_ Holy crap. It is. An actual, three-story-tall ballroom, complete with hardwood floor and big crystal chandelier. (Just how big is this frigging house, anyway?) It's clearly seen better days. Dust coats the windows and cobwebs hang all over the chandelier. The floor seems to be rotting in several places. Sakura seems as lost as the rest of us. I wonder if she's ever even seen this place before.

"It's not stealing if I'm taking back what's mine!" Rin steps forward, her arm raised at Matou. "Agreement of exchange, Article II, Section 5.6, Paragraph 3! If the individual in question is to participate as a Master in a Grail War, all restrictions on interactions are to be temporarily lifted! As head of the Tohsaka family, I am therefore reclaiming Sakura Matou as a member of my house for the duration of the conflict... you _piece of fucking shit!_ "

The old man snorts. "If you think word games will let you walk out with my property, girl, you're as much of a fool as your father was. Tell me, how did that little trifle I gave him work out for Tokiomi? Eh?"

Rin's face tightens, but she doesn't seem to have a comeback. Okay, better think strategy while the cutscene lasts. We're on the ground floor. The balcony that Zouken's on stands opposite to us at second-floor height. I don't see any stairs up there, but there _is_ a door behind him... and another one on the wall directly below him.

Worth a shot. I catch Shirou's eye and glance towards the door on our level. He nods and starts to carefully edge away from the group in that direction. Third rule of battling a lich - get your melee fighters up close to them as soon as possible.

 **⇒ so what's the first rule**

 _'Don't.'_ Well, that, or don't talk about Lich Fight Club. Depends on your character level.

 **⇒ rimshot**

Anyway, it occurs to me that I'm feeling fairly weaponless here myself. Aw, fuck. I totally left the umbrella upstairs, didn't I?

 **⇒ yep**

Fucking inventory system. Just one single _bag of holding_ \- is that really too much to ask for?

"Children." Zouken shakes his head. "Always, I am surrounded by idiot children. Ah, and speaking of which - here comes the toddler brigade."

A door on the wall behind us opens. Illya and the maids walk in. None of them look particularly surprised. I guess all of this is _de rigueur_ when it comes to mage fights.

"Good day, little von Einzbern." Zouken sounds almost cheerful. Crap, he's actually enjoying this, isn't he? I can't tell if he's just doing the standard Bond-villain thing, or if he just likes to hear himself talk. Old man's gotta old man, I guess, even if he is a walking swarm of maggots. "I see your family is still producing inferior knockoffs of their few successes. How is that moldy old relic Jubstacheit? Still plodding along, I trust?"

Fourth rule of lich battles - spread out to avoid area-of-effect attacks. I glance over at Sakura. She mostly seems to be staring into space, whispering what sounds like "no no no" over and over again under her breath. Reassuring. I take her shoulder. She shudders and immediately tries to pull away.

"Sorry," I mutter. I pull her a few paces away from Rin, back towards the wall, then let go. Next up, the fifth rule - search for plot hooks. Don't overlook any possible advantage the DM throws your way. "We could use some advice here. He got any weaknesses? Blind spots, stuff like that?"

" _Law and Order_ reruns," Sakura whispers. "He's also been getting into this one drama on TBS recently. He likes the lead actress."

I blink. "I... don't know how to use that."

"Save us, Detective Tutuola." She shudders again. "You're my only hope..."

Well, great.

 **⇒ you should probably also pay attention to what they're saying right now**

I have! I _can_ multitask, thank you! "Why can't I hear Berserker anymore?" Illya just asked. "How did you do that?"

"Ah, so you noticed." Zouken taps his cane against the ground. "I've isolated your Servants elsewhere in the house and disabled your mental connection to them. Don't bother trying to use your Command Seals either. You'll find that path closed to you as well."

Fuck. Okay, mental note: next time, DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY. Underlined, exclamation point, seventy-two-point Impact font. In bold.

"You can _do_ that?!" Rin explodes. "How?!"

"It's really you, isn't it." Illya narrows her eyes. I see some red lines glowing on the side of her neck. I wonder if she just tried invoking one of her Command Seals to see if Zouken was bluffing. If she did, I'm not seeing Berserker anywhere. "Zolgen Makiri, progenitor of the Matou family. One of the original three mages who drew down the Grail. You've somehow clung to life all these years."

The old man smirks. "Tell me, little mages... just what did you expect when you came here to challenge me? I, who came closer to the Third Magic than _either_ of your families combined? Who has seen bloodshed beyond your wildest nightmares, and obtained heights of power beyond your greatest dreams? Who -"

"Oh, for fuck's sake - you're _evil._ We _get it,_ all right?!" Rin growls. "Jesus."

Dammit. Just when I think I'm over the whole crush thing, there she goes being awesome again.

 **⇒ hrmph**

Zouken just rolls his eyes. "You Tohsaka women never did know how to hold your tongues. Very well, _duraki._ If excitement is what your tiny minds crave..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sakura abruptly slump to the side. Fuck, what now?! I grab her in mid-fall. Did... did she just pass out? Her entire body's limp. Her eyes look like they've practically rolled back into her head...

"... then let us at last see which of our families is the superior." Zouken grins. "One _final_ time."

The dusty windows to Zouken's side explode inwards as a huge mass of... _something_ busts its way into the room.

Oh.

 _That_ kind of boss fight.

* * *

 **⇒ cue battle music**

Fuck. So Zouken was stalling for time too. With no other real option, I grab Sakura underneath the armpits and lug her back towards the corner as the thing makes its way into the room. In the process, the lime-green blanket disentangles itself from her and pools up abandoned on the floor. She's wearing her school uniform beneath it, thank God.

 **⇒ just don't think you can use this as an excuse to cop a feel**

 _Really not helpful right now k thank you bye!_ Fortunately, Shirou hasn't gotten too far away from us. He leaps back as fragments of window glass get flung in his direction.

So the boss monster: it's completely tar-black and about four meters tall. Kind of... transparent, somehow, in that you can kind of see what's behind it, albeit darkened or tinted. Like a Photoshop filter, or a bad piece of CGI from the nineties that didn't get greenscreened properly. Shape-wise, it looks kinda like a jellyfish, with these long, flat tendrils extending from...

Oh. Oh, _fuck._

"Get back!" I yell at the top of my lungs. "I know this thing! Keep away from it!"

"What _is_ it?!" Rin fires off a few blasts from her hand. They vanish into the thing without so much as a ripple. Up above, Illya's bird puppets let loose on it with their own ranged attack, to a similar lack of effect.

"No idea!" I shout back. "I just know it turns Servants into evil robots! Whatever you do, don't let it touch you!"

Shirou rushes back to us and takes his stance beside Rin, pipe held at the ready. The thing lumbers around in place. It doesn't make a sound, but it seems to be - like - sniffing the air or something.

Then it charges across the room, faster than anything that big has any right to move. Straight at Illya.

In a flash, Sella and Leysritt are in front of it, blocking its path. Yes! Those _fucking halberds!_ They're perfect for this! Whatever the thing is, it seems to be solid. It stops in place as the weapons sink into it. Seems to rear back a little.

Then it flings its tentacles at the maids.

"Watch -" Before the word can even leave my mouth, it's over. Illya immediately switches the birds into sword mode and flings them down as cover fire. They just melt into the thing and vanish. Leysritt leaps back, dodging and weaving at impossible speeds past the tendrils and the falling blades. Sella - Sella does the same, but she's not quite fast enough - a tentacle catches her right arm -

The limb comes right off. As if it was nothing.

Sella screams. Bits of blood and bone fly through the air. What's left of her upper arm... it looks like it's _burning_ somehow. Black veins running up her shoulder and neck and down into her torso. She stumbles forward - her hat goes flying off. I see a shock of pale white hair fly over her head.

Then three other tendrils descend on her and tear her to pieces in front of us. Like scalpels through butter.

... goddamn it.

 **⇒ keep moving**

Uh. Right. Right! I drag Sakura towards the _middle_ of the room this time as the thing lunges again for Illya. Leysritt grabs her and leaps out of the way. Towards us. The creature slams into the wall, but still sends its tendrils after them. Leysritt dodges. The tentacles ram into the corner I was just in. Shirou backs away. Leysritt bounds towards us, Illya in her arms, the tendrils snapping at her heels -

A fireball explodes out of the thing's main body and inundates that entire side of the room.

"Yeah!" Rin pumps her fist. Which seems to be down one Command Seal. " _Suck it,_ Matou!"

Archer stands in front of her, his bow raised high.

 **⇒ where was he this whole time**

We left him outside to cover our escape. Which didn't wind up happening so much. So... maybe Rin found some way around whatever Zouken did?

 **⇒ or maybe whatever wards he's got up are one-way**

So... as in... he can stop Servants from getting summoned _out_ of the house or _through_ it... but he can't stop them from being summoned _in_ from the outside?

 **⇒ something like that**

Well, regardless... Leysritt lands next to us. Both she and Illya lost their hats in the furor. Man, von Einzberns keep their hair _long._ Shirou's okay, too, if looking a little singed - he falls in line next to Archer.

The fireball clears. The thing's still there - completely intact, of course. Archer fires another arrow at it anyway, already sweating bullets. "We need to get out of here, Rin!" he barks. "Whatever the _fuck_ that thing is, it's bad news!"

"Tell me something I don't know!" Rin snaps.

"I think - it seems to be going after the greatest concentration of mana in the room." I can see a few tears drifting down Illya's face, but she seems to be keeping it together. Tough kid. "Which in this case is -"

"- is you, yeah, I got that!" Rin starts digging through her pockets for gems.

"So what do we do?" Shirou asks. "We can't just keep playing keep-away forever!"

"Um..." I turn and stare at the giant hole the thing punched in the wall when it came in. I can see sunlight through it. A little bit of overcast sky, too.

No sooner do I look, though, then the wall abruptly seals itself up. Not with plaster or wood, but with this stone-ish material that looks disturbingly organic.

"Now, now." Zouken sounds like he's enjoying himself. Oh, right. _He's_ still here. "What fun would that be?"

Without turning his head, Archer fires an arrow straight at the old man's neck. Unfortunately, a bunch of glowing wards pop up in front of the balcony. The arrow bounces off and dissolves into the air. The old man sneers and flips us off.

 **⇒ he's got attitude**  
 **⇒ have to give him that much i guess**

Right now, the only thing I want to give Zouken is a _Caladbolg_ straight up his maggot-ridden... anyway. So what now? We could try blowing another hole in the wall, but he'd probably just seal that up too. What else can we -

I snap my fingers and look at Archer. "Ooh! Use your shield! That Rose Alias thing!"

Archer blinks. "Uh... all right..."

"You can make a shield?!" Rin glares at him.

"Not now, Rin!" Archer and I say in unison. (Well, kinda. He actually says something like, "Not the time, Rin." Still sounds cool for the first word or two.)

Okay, plain arrows definitely aren't cutting it now. The thing took the last fireball without even flinching. Looks like it's getting to charge -

Archer stretches out his hand. " _Rho Aias!_ "

The transparent flower glyph springs up in front of us. Unfortunately, it doesn't do a whole lot. As soon as the thing runs into the barrier, it starts tearing through the shields like they're cardboard. Each one barely lasts a second, their breakdowns punctuated by surges of lightning and Archer's curses - " _Shit!_ _Shit!_ _Fuck!_ _Shit!_ _Fuck_ -"

Shirou turns back to me and hisses, "What are you doing? Get Sakura away from here!"

"Oh - right!" I haul Sakura underneath Zouken's balcony. (Okay, if I have to keep doing this, should I like try to pick her up or put her on my back or something? My arms are telling me that ain't happening, so...) My eyes settle on that door I'd spotted earlier. Well... I'm not much of a tank, but... I grab the door's handle. It's unlocked. I fling it open...

... and find a brick wall on the other side.

Fuck, man. Now that's just _cruel._

 **⇒ like i said**  
 **⇒ attitude**

I turn back just in time to see Leysritt get torn in half.

Shield's down, obviously. At least it looks quick - what's left of her inside the two tendrils is already mostly dissolved. Her halberd lies abandoned on the wood floor. Shirou's right up in the thing's face, swinging his pipe wildly. Rin's yelling wordlessly and firing _Gandr_ blasts into the shadowy mass, with no more effect than before. Illya's just standing a short distance away with a dazed look. Archer's up on the fricking _chandelier,_ firing down like crazy. But the thing doesn't fuck around. It reaches up and tears the chandelier, Archer and all, down into itself. He vanishes into its mass, spare bits of crystal and glass bouncing off the floor like rain... I can hear this wheezing sound somewhere above me, which I eventually realize is the sound of Zouken chuckling...

Fuck... _fuck!_ This - this is all my fault. I should've planned better. Should've done more recon. Not like it would help - how the fuck was I supposed to figure out the fucker has a fucking _pet Cthulhu_ lying around?! And - and -

... wait? What's that noise? It almost sounds like a train...

 **⇒ choo choo motherfucker**

The blackened wall on the opposite side of the room - the one on the other side of the thing - bursts open. Hercules comes charging out into the ballroom, covered in dust and blood and some other fluids I'd really prefer not to think about. He sprints straight into the thing and tackles it. " _Berserker!_ " Illya sounds overjoyed. God, I never thought I'd be glad to see that gorilla...

... hell. They're coming this way, aren't they.

 **⇒ and around once more we go**

Once more dragging Sakura behind me, I scurry around the pair of colliding monsters to the other side of the room where we started, ducking beneath a flailing tendril as I go. I see Shirou rush back and spirit Illya out of the way. Rin's already waiting for us on the other side - I turn back to see Berserker and the thing smash into the wall beneath the balcony, hard enough to shake the level above. Zouken, looking annoyed, clings to his cane.

Bad news, though: Berserker's losing.

He now isn't so much fighting as he is flailing, like he's trying to keep his head above water. What bits of his flesh aren't burning away are covered with those black veins. And I don't see any sign of his regeneration or resurrection power or whatever it is. Doesn't look like it's working.

"No," Illya moans as she sinks to her knees. "Don't... _don't leave me..._ please..."

He doesn't have a choice. We watch as Berserker's massive arm sinks into the darkness. Illya lets out a strangled sob and covers her eyes. Without a word, Shirou kneels down and holds her.

Which is sweet and all, but doesn't do anything about the fact that we're totally fucked. The thing pulsates. Moves out from beneath the balcony and looms back up to its full height.

Then its tendrils fly across the room, once again straight at Illya.

Shirou immediately moves to shield the kid with his body. _Rin_ \- to her shock as well as mine, judging from her expression - steps in front of them, her arms stretched wide. And I'm just frozen, useless as usual, next to Sakura - though it's not like any of these sacrifices are gonna be worth a damn anyway -

" _... stop,_ " Sakura whispers.

The thing collapses to the ground. The tendrils fall to the floor, lifeless.

" _Yob tvoyu mat!_ " Zouken snarls. He slams his fists down on the balcony railing. "Stupid... useless... it's too soon. Not ready yet... not ready..."

"And you're out of time, demon."

Saber steps out of the hole Berserker punched when he came into the room. She's sweaty and bleeding from multiple cuts on her face. Seems to have lost her improvised shield. Her armor's covered with bug guts and purple ichor. She looks beyond pissed.

And she's glowing. With this strange golden light that's oddly comforting to look at.

 **⇒ get behind her**  
 **⇒ now**

Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting those about-to-go-Super-Saiyan vibes here. I move myself and Sakura back as Saber stalks past us. Shirou and Rin see me and do the same, bringing Illya along with them.

Zouken stares at Saber, his eyes squinting into the light. "You... I've seen you before..."

Saber goes full blast, her aura expanding into a hurricane of light. Her sword's not invisible anymore. The blade glows gold as she lifts it above her head. I've never seen anything like it before - outside of _Star Wars,_ I guess - but it somehow looks... familiar? Like visiting a place you last saw as an infant.

" _In the name of all that is holy, I cleanse this place of your sins!_ " Saber roars. She brings the sword down. " _EXCALIBUR!_ "

A torrent - no, an entire freaking _river_ \- of light explodes out of the sword and inundates everything before her. The thing vanishes into the flood immediately, like a shadow evaporating into the sunrise. " _Pizda rulyu!_ " I hear Zouken curse. Then his wards fail and he's gone too.

I turn away and shield my eyes. Can't help but fall to my knees. This - this is...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

When it's finally over, I hear the whistle of a bird somewhere in the distance. The light seems to be gone. I stand up and open my eyes.

Saber drops to her knees, breathing hard. She props herself up with the sword. In front of her lies nothing but rubble. The thing, Zouken, the balcony, any rooms behind it, the garden wall, the houses next door and down the street (really hope those people had already left for the day... and that they didn't have pets) - all gone. The remaining windows are shattered to bits. The roof over our heads got blown away. What's left of the ballroom is open to the sky.

Even the part of the house behind Saber has seen better days. I glance through the hole in the wall she and Berserker came through and see wreckage extending back several rooms. I hear what's left of the structure creak as the wind rushes through it. The mansion feels... dead somehow, just wood and brick. Saber clearly does not fuck around when she brings her A game.

"Saber!" Shirou rushes over to her. "Are you -"

"I'm fine," Saber says. "I just... give me a second..."

"Okay... first question..." Rin unsteadily gets to her feet. "Tom, how's Sakura?"

"Oh. Right!" I bend down to check. She's still out cold. I try snapping my fingers in front of her eyes, then patting the side of her face. "Um... she's not waking up. Still breathing, though, so... that's good, I guess?" I awkwardly fumble around, trying to find her pulse. Man, she is gonna have hella friction burns from the floor when she wakes up, I'll tell you that much... also, wow, does that sound bad out of context.

"Okay. Second question... just what the _living fuck_ was that?!" Rin goes over by Shirou and stares at the spot where the thing used to be. "I've never heard of any kind of spell that can just one-shot a Servant. That shouldn't even be _possible._ "

"It - it looked like..." Illya sniffs and wipes her face, then totters over by Rin. Pretty amazing, considering that my stupid mission just cost her nearly everything she had. "It seemed to be able to absorb raw mana in any form. Servants, spells, people..."

"Something like that... it'd be unstoppable." Rin pushes back her hair. "How the hell did Zouken Matou manage to create the perfect predator?!"

"... some kind of...?" Illya mutters under her breath. She glances back at me and Sakura. "No... more than that. I think... I think that was a _karagoze_..."

"Wha - no!" Saber suddenly tries to get to her feet. "Run! Something's -"

All at once, the sky falls down on us.

* * *

 **⇒ businessmen they drink my wine**  
 **⇒ plowmen dig my earth**

When I come to, the first thing I see is Illya's body. She lies on the ground, stabbed straight through the head with a spear twice her height. Her lifeless eyes stare into mine.

I sit up, biting back a scream. I remember - some kind of explosion? Tossed me back through the hole in the wall. Sakura lies nearby me. At least she still looks intact and alive. But beyond her... I see Saber's hand twitch. She's been stabbed through the chest by three huge lances, at an angle where she's pinned to the ground while half-standing. She's still alive somehow, but I don't think she can move. Shirou and Rin, though... they both lie dead on the ground next to her, run through by a half-dozen axes and swords each.

No. No no no _fuck_ no... not another TPK. Not after everything we just went through...

 **⇒ keep watching**  
 **⇒ learn from this**  
 **⇒ make it count**

There's... there's this guy standing beyond Saber, around where the balcony used to be. Blond hair. Black-and-white track suit. He's holding something in his hands - Zouken's bathrobe? How the fuck did _that_ of all things survive? He pulls what looks like some kind of knife or dagger out of it and tosses the rest away.

There's this flash of orange or bronze light and then he's suddenly standing next to Saber. She tries to say something, but nothing comes out - I think the lances pierced her lungs. Tracksuit Bro examines her face, casually wipes some blood off her cheek with his thumb. I can just barely see her expression. The level of pure, undiluted _hatred_ she has in her eyes...

He smirks and vanishes in another flash of light, reappearing right next to Sakura. I get a better look at his face. Defs a foreigner. Sharp nose. Light olive-brown skin. Looks kinda... Persian, I guess? Or maybe Indian? I don't know. Somewhere in that vicinity, I guess.

He prods Sakura with his foot, then shrugs. "Waste not, I suppose..."

"Wait - don't -" I try and fail to get up. Before the words even leave my mouth, he reaches into Sakura's chest and pulls out her heart, as nonchalantly as he might pick a flower.

He looks over the organ and plucks something off of it... a grub or a beetle of some kind? What the fuck? He rolls his eyes. "Just die like the worm you are already." With that, he flicks the insect to the ground and crushes it under his designer sneaker.

I finally manage to rise to my feet. "Who..." I swallow and stare at him. "Who the _shit_ are you?"

He doesn't even look at me. "Die wondering, mongrel."

Another flash of bronze, and a metal spike flies straight into my face.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So with this story arc wrapping up in the next chapter or two, we're in a good place for suggestions on where the story should go from here. Tom has a bunch of leads now. What do you think he should do next? Leave your comments/reviews for the Prompt!_

 _Japan must have a cultural equivalent to the_ Law and Order _franchise stashed somewhere, right? Some kind of police procedural? I feel like every nation has to produce at least one of those somewhere along the line. Unfortunately, I was unable to figure out what that equivalent is, so once again I wound up going with what I know. For those unfamiliar with the cast, Detective Fin Tutuola is the character played by rapper Ice-T on_ Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. _His name's just always stuck in my head, since it was probably lifted from the writer Amos Tutuola._

 _Also, TBS stands for Tokyo Broadcasting System, not Turner Broadcasting. Before anyone brings it up._

 _And no one at all picked up that one line in the last chapter? The bit about him being a disgrace to Shinjis everywhere? Not even one 'I see what you did there'? Damn. I was a little proud of that little reference, too... oh, well._


	21. II:7

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.7

 **⇒ restart: iteration 27, day 1, early night**

... fuck.

I sit up on the floor of my bedroom. Then I think better of it and lie back down.

 **⇒ so**  
 **⇒ now what**  
 **⇒ are you going to go talk to shirou and the others**

What's the point? There's too much, isn't there? Too many unknowns. Until I know what Tracksuit Bro's deal is... or what the shit was up with that shadow thing Zouken summoned... I can't do it, can I?

I can't save her.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 3, morning**

But there is one thing I can do. Actually, make that two things - but first things first.

I'm there waiting when she walks in from the other building. At the _bottom_ of the stairwell, this time, just to be safe. I wait and make sure there's no one behind her. Then I call out: "Sakura."

"Huh?" She stops and looks at me. "Do I know you?"

"No," I say. "But I need to ask you a question. It's important."

She glances around nervously. But I guess there must be something in my eyes, because she steps closer anyway. "What?" she hisses. "If this is about my brother..."

"It's not." I lower my voice. "Listen. What if... just hypothetically speaking... what if someone were to kind of accidentally find out all about you? And I mean _all_ about you."

"Like... what?" She stares at me.

"Like... about the Bug Room." I watch the color drain out of her face. "About your grandfather. About what he's done to you. Is _doing_ to you."

"I don't know what you..."

I can't look at her anymore. "About your sister. And Rider. And about what happened when you were six. And on your twelfth birthday, and all the other horrible shit you've been through.

"Let's say someone found out about all of that. And he wants to help... but he needs to figure out _how._ I mean, in a way that doesn't get a bunch of people killed. And that's... that's probably gonna take him a little while.

"So the question is... is there anything... anything at all... he could do to help you right now? Anything that you want?" I lift my eyes. "Anything that _could_ help... if anything can, I mean..."

I watch a parade of emotions march across her face, from fear to anger to anguish to other things I couldn't even begin to put a name to. Then she leans in close and whispers into my ear:

" _Kill me._ "

I swallow. "No. No way. That's not an option."

"If I could do it myself, I would have by now. Understand?" she growls. "I don't want to be his monster. I don't want to be _him._ "

She pulls away from me, suddenly looking perfectly composed. Perfectly average. And I realize that - for all the stolen memories I might have - I don't understand her at all. I have no idea what keeps her going, what keeps her getting up and going to school and pretending to be normal and then having to go back home to that _place_ and all those horrors and secrets and then having to do it all over _again._ What kind of hideous strength must that take? After everything she's been through, how is she still sane? How is she still even in the general _neighborhood_ of sanity?

"Please," she says quietly. Her dull, hopeless eyes stare into mine for a moment. Then she turns and goes upstairs to class.

After she's gone, I sit on the floor and put my head in my hands. How the hell am I going to do this? How am I going to find a way to prove those eyes wrong?

... _can_ I?

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 4, morning**

At least the next item on the to-do list promises to be a little more fun.

I'm waiting at the back of Emiya's classroom when he walks in. He walks right past of me, of course, since I never introduced myself. That's okay. That's not what I'm here for.

"Yo, Emiya!" Shinji Matou calls out. Smiling his creepy little smile, he gets up from his desk.

You see, I finally put two and two together. That girl he's about to talk about, Ayako Mitsuzuri? The one who disappears on Saturday and gets found in the city yesterday? That's him. Of course it's him. He orders Rider to make it happen. And now he's going to go over and brag about it, because that's what being a big shot _means_ in his warped little mind. Graduating from assistant to senior torturer. Doing whatever he wants to the little people with his mystical magic powers, just like great-great-granddaddy.

Small wrinkle this time, though. When he walks over to Emiya's desk, I step in behind him. "Hey. Matou." When he turns around, I slam _A Complete History of Japan in the Modern World_ \- the thickest, heaviest, most serious hardcover textbook the school library has to offer - right between his eyes with as much force as I can muster.

Sure, as soon as the shock wears off, he gets up and kicks my ass. But still. Feels kinda good while it lasts.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Just a short chapter this week due to various factors. If you still want to weigh in on where the story goes from here (and have yet to do so), speak now or forever hold ya pieces._


	22. II:8

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.8

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 27, day 3, evening**

 **⇒ so listen**  
 **⇒ i know we're planning to spend this loop brooding/getting suspended**  
 **⇒ but someone wanted me to remind you**  
 **⇒ do you still remember the animusphere address**

Oh. Oh, _shit!_ That's right! And I've got two full weeks now. Is that enough time? You think a letter might make it there and back? If I use air mail and include a return envelope...

 **⇒ maybe**  
 **⇒ do you remember it though**

Uh... I think so? Maybe? Hold on. Let me see if I can get the mnemonic I used for it back...

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 5, early night**

And your Shin decrypt for the day is:

 _AT THIS POINT IT'S CLEAR SOME OF MY ORI_  
 _GINAL CONCLUSIONS WERE FAR TOO SIMPLIST_  
 _IC. WHILE I BELIEVE THE "MANA SPECTRUM"_  
 _PARADIGM MAY STILL BE OF USE, EXPECTING_  
 _IT TO MAP DIRECTLY TO FORMS OF ELECTROM_  
 _AGNETIC ENERGY WAS FOOLISH ON MY PART._  
 _A CASE OF ALLOWING MY PRECONCEPTIONS AS_  
 _A PHYSICIST TO INFLUENCE ME._

 _INSTEAD IT MAY BE MORE USEFUL TO CONSID_  
 _ER A "MANA HIERARCHY," OR EVEN A "MANA_  
 _PERIODIC TABLE." RATHER THAN G-ENERGY/B_  
 _ASE MANA BEING A LESS ENERGETIC FORM OF_  
 _THE OTHERS, THINK OF IT INSTEAD AS THE_  
 _PHOTONS THAT MAKE UP EM WAVES. OR THE Q_  
 _UARKS AND LEPTONS THAT COMPOSE MATTER._  
 _WHICH IS THEN SHAPED AND CHANNELED INTO_  
 _OTHER MORE COMPLEX FORMS BY A MAGUS' CI_  
 _RCUITS._

 _IT DOES SEEM THERE IS STILL SOME RELATI_  
 _ONSHIP BETWEEN THE MANA TYPE CREATED BY_  
 _A SPELL AND ITS FUNCTION, ALBEIT ONE MU_  
 _CH MORE COMPLEX THAN I ORIGINALLY PRESU_  
 _MED. THE EXCEPTION IS Z-ENERGY, WHICH T_  
 _HUS FAR SEEMS TO RETAIN THE SPECIFIC, E_  
 _XCLUSIVE ASSOCIATION I HAVE NOTED ELSEW_  
 _HERE._

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 7, late night**

 _MAGIC, IT SEEMS, IS BY ITS NATURE DISCR_  
 _IMINATORY. ONLY CERTAIN FAMILIES AND GE_  
 _NETIC LINES CAN UTILIZE IT. HOWEVER, EV_  
 _ERY NOW AND AGAIN, SO-CALLED "WILD TALE_  
 _NTS" WILL EMERGE, BE IT THROUGH RANDOM_  
 _MUTATION OR SOME OTHER MECHANISM. UNFOR_  
 _TUNATELY, THESE MAGES TEND TO GENERALLY_  
 _BE LESS POWERFUL THAN THOSE FROM ESTABL_  
 _ISHED FAMILIES, AND ARE THUS TYPICALLY_  
 _THE SUBJECT OF DERISION._

 _ACCORDING TO Z, I MYSELF AM MOST LIKELY_  
 _A WILD TALENT OR DESCENDED FROM ONE. IN_  
 _EITHER CASE, MY SO-CALLED "MAGIC CIRCUI_  
 _TS" ARE SO WEAK AS TO BE NON-EXISTENT._  
 _Z SAYS THAT AT BEST I WOULD BE ABLE TO_  
 _CHANNEL PERHAPS ONE-THIRTIETH OF THE EN_  
 _ERGY AN AVERAGE MAGE CAN PRODUCE. I AM_  
 _THEREFORE CONSIDERED BENEATH THE NOTICE_  
 _OF THE MAGICAL ESTABLISHMENT (Z INDICAT_  
 _ES THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING.)_  
 _STILL, THIS AT LEAST EXPLAINS WHY I HAV_  
 _E RETAINED MY MEMORIES OF WHAT I WITNES_  
 _SED DURING THE GRAIL WAR._

 _ALL IN ALL, IT SEEMS THAT THIS INFORMAT_  
 _ION IS NO MORE USEFUL TO ME THAN LEARNI_  
 _NG I HAVE A WORKING APPENDIX. BUT I WON_  
 _DER... THE TERM "MAGIC CIRCUITS" IMPLIES_  
 _SOME KIND OF MECHANISM. SUPPOSEDLY, THE_  
 _MAGE FAMILIES ARE ABLE TO PASS ON ABILI_  
 _TIES AND SPELLS TO NEW GENERATIONS VIA_  
 _SPECIAL CRESTS. IF MAGIC CAN BE EXPRESS_  
 _ED IN MATERIAL FORM... IS IT POSSIBLE I_  
 _COULD BUILD MY OWN CIRCUITS? REPLICATE_  
 _VIA TECHNOLOGY WHAT Z AND THE MAGI CAN_  
 _DO INNATELY?_

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 10, evening**

 _FROM WHAT LITTLE I OBSERVED IN MY FEW I_  
 _NTERACTIONS WITH TOHSAKA BEFORE HIS DEA_  
 _TH AND WHAT Z HAS TOLD ME, MODERN MAGE_  
 _CULTURE APPEARS TO BE STAGNANT. ACTUAL_  
 _RESEARCH IS RARE OUTSIDE OF A FEW PLACE_  
 _S LIKE THE CLOCK TOWER AND THE ATLAS IN_  
 _STITUTE. KNOWLEDGE IS HOARDED BY FAMILI_  
 _ES LIKE THE MAKIRIS AS THEY TRY TO PROP_  
 _UP THEIR DWINDLING POWER. ANYONE WHO TH_  
 _REATENS TO UPSET THE STATUS QUO IS RUTH_  
 _LESSLY CRUSHED. INCLUDING ME, MOST LIKE_  
 _LY, SHOULD I BE DISCOVERED BY THE ASSOC_  
 _IATION._

 _FROM A CERTAIN PERSPECTIVE I SUPPOSE TH_  
 _EIR SECRECY MAKES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF S_  
 _ENSE. IT SEEMS THAT MYSTERY IS A NECESS_  
 _ARY COMPONENT OF MAGECRAFT. MAGIC WORKS_  
 _BEST WHEN SHRODINGER'S BOX REMAINS CLOS_  
 _ED. THE MORE KNOWLEDGE HUMANKIND POSSES_  
 _SES, THE LESS ROOM ONE HAS TO SCRIBBLE_  
 _IN THE MARGINS OF REALITY._

 _YET WHILE THIS WORLD MAY NO LONGER BE_  
 _ABLE TO SUPPORT THE MIRACLES OF THE PAS_  
 _T, I AM NOT CONVINCED IT IS NECESSARILY_  
 _THE WORSE FOR IT. EVEN Z READILY ADMITS_  
 _THAT HUMANITY AS A WHOLE IS BETTER OFF_  
 _NOW THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE. IS IT THEN_  
 _WORTH CONDEMNING THE MAJORITY TO LIVE_  
 _IN MUD AND IGNORANCE, SO THAT A CHOSEN_  
 _FEW ARISTOCRATS CAN BEND REALITY TO THE_  
 _IR WHIM? IS THAT REALLY THE BEST OF ALL_  
 _POSSIBLE WORLDS?_

 _BESIDES, THE MAGES ARE ARGUABLY PART OF_  
 _THE PROBLEM THEY BEMOAN. THE WESTERN MA_  
 _GES, AT LEAST, TALK OF MAGIC CIRCUITS,_  
 _GENETIC POTENTIAL, AND MANA AS A QUANTI_  
 _FIABLE ENERGY, ADOPTING THE TRAPPINGS_  
 _AND METAPHORS OF SCIENCE EVEN AS THEY_  
 _SPURN IT. WHAT IF THEIR WAY OF THINKING_  
 _IS JUST AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR DECLINE_  
 _AS THE SPREAD OF TECHNOLOGY? IS THAT THE_  
 _REASON Z CONTINUES TO ENCOURAGE ME IN_  
 _HIS OWN CRYPTIC WAY? TO BRING A FRESH_  
 _PERSPECTIVE TO A DYING TRADITION?_

 _IT'S ALL MOOT ANYWAY. I ALREADY KNOW WH_  
 _ERE I STAND. I WILL CONTINUE TO TRUST_  
 _IN MY WIRES AND CIRCUIT BOARDS OVER A B_  
 _LOOD-STAINED GRAIL ANY DAY. PERHAPS THAT_  
 _DOOMS ME TO FAILURE AS A MAGE. BUT THEN_  
 _AGAIN, MAYBE THERE IS STILL A PLACE FOR_  
 _MAGIC IN A SCIENTIFIC WORLD, PROTECTED_  
 _UNDER THE WINGS OF CLARKE'S THIRD LAW._  
 _IN THE END, I MUST CONTINUE TO BELIEVE_  
 _IN MIRACLES THAT WILL WORK NOT JUST FOR_  
 _THE LUCKY FEW, BUT FOR ALL HUMANITY. BE_  
 _SIDES, HOW WILL I EVER KNOW UNLESS I TRY?_

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 12, evening**

So... guess what showed up in the mail today? Get a load of this:

 _Dear Mr. Tomonaga:_

 _Thank you for your interest in our family's sacred teachings. However, I am afraid that Marisbury - current Grand Master of the Most Ancient Animusphere Magicks, Wielder of the Great Cosmic Key, Prince of The Most Divine Secrets of Fate and Space - is currently away on business, and will not be returning for several months. I will certainly save your epistle for when he is back, such that you may commune with him in the True Language of Souls._

 _Light and Love,_  
 _Olga Animusphere_  
 _Initiate in the Grand Workings, Caretaker of Senior Mysteries, Seer of the Hidden Paths_

 **⇒ wow**

Ha! Yeaaahhhh... fuck my life.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 13, afternoon**

 _Z DROPPED OFF MORE INFORMATION ABOUT MA_  
 _GIC CIRCUITS TODAY. A SECRET TREATISE_  
 _BY AN EXTINCT MAGE FAMILY ON HOW THEY_  
 _TRANSFERRED THEIR CREST BETWEEN FAMILY_  
 _MEMBERS - UNTRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGIN_  
 _AL GREEK, OF COURSE. BUT ALSO A GROUP_  
 _OF MODERN PHYSIOLOGICAL STUDIES DONE ON_  
 _TISSUE SAMPLES TAKEN FROM MAGES. CLEAR_  
 _LY, I AM NOT THE FIRST SCIENTIST Z HAS_  
 _WORKED WITH._

 _THE MODERN MATERIAL IS PARTICULARLY FAS_  
 _CINATING. APPARENTLY, MAGIC CIRCUITS DO_  
 _SEEM TO HAVE A BASIS IN PHYSICAL ANATOM_  
 _Y. IN ADDITION TO THE NORMAL PARASYMPAT_  
 _HETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM, MAGES EXHIBIT A_  
 _PARALLEL VESTIGIAL NETWORK OF NERVES TH_  
 _AT SPREAD FROM THE BRAIN THROUGHOUT THE_  
 _BODY. I SAY "VESTIGIAL" BECAUSE THESE_  
 _NEURONS, WHILE ALIVE, DO NOT APPEAR TO_  
 _BE FUNCTIONAL IN ANY WAY. THEIR AXONS_  
 _ARE EITHER TRUNCATED OR DO NOT SEEM TO_  
 _CONNECT TO ANYTHING, NOT EVEN EACH OTHER._  
 _YET THE PATHS OF THESE CELL CLUSTERS CL_  
 _EARLY CORRISPOND TO DIAGRAMS OF MANA FL_  
 _OW Z HAS SHOWN ME!_

 _I WILL ADMIT TO BEING AT A LOSS. UP UNT_  
 _IL NOW, I HAVE ASSUMED THERE MUST BE SO_  
 _ME PROTEIN OR MATERIAL WITHIN THE BODY_  
 _THAT CONDUCTS MANA THE SAME WAY IRON OR_  
 _GOLD CONDUCTS ELECTRICITY. BUT HOW CAN_  
 _THAT BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT SOME FORM OF_  
 _PHYSICAL CONNECTION?_

 _AS USUAL, Z WAS NO HELP. WHEN I ASKED_  
 _HIM ABOUT IT, HE JUST LAUGHED AND ANSWE_  
 _RED MY QUESTIONS WITH MORE RIDDLES. WEL_  
 _L, THAT'S FINE. I KNOW WHEN I'M BEING T_  
 _OLD TO FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN. WHAT AR_  
 _E YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME, YOU OLD TRICK_  
 _STER? WHAT AM I MISSING?_

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 27, day 13, late night**

Goddamn it! This isn't working. Why the fuck won't you - GODDAMN IT!

 **⇒ move your ass**  
 **⇒ they're outflanking you**

I _know,_ all right?! I see it!

 **⇒ then do something about it**

I'm not fast enough! You know what, fuck it. I'm not putting up with this shit. Fuck it, fuck this - I'm falling back to Isandhlwana. Let's see if Alexander's got the balls to defeat me in detail.

 **⇒ you do that you lose your iron supply**

I am _entirely_ fucking aware of that, thank you! But that doesn't change the math here. Any way that you slice it, his numbers are bigger than mine. My best bet is to fall back, try to wear him down after he takes the city, and then strike back fresh. _If_ I can manage to do something about those fucking barbarians in the north...

Shit. You know, none of this would've happened if I'd managed to complete Great Wall first. Fucking Sitting Bull.

 **⇒ you always play so defensively**  
 **⇒ i keep telling you**  
 **⇒ if you want to win, you have to take more risks**

Easy for you to say, backseat driver. Don't exactly have skin in the game, do you? Well, okay, not that _I_ do either, but still...

... hey, does something feel off to you?

 **⇒ what do you mean**

We've been doing this for a while, right? I feel like the beam should've hit by now.

 **⇒ go and check then**

Do I have to? ... oh, all right, I guess...

These days, I usually prefer to be asleep in bed for the apocalypse. That isn't working out for me so much tonight. So I'm going with the next best solution: video games! Opiate of my generation. Headphones on, blinds down, clock covered up. Try to get myself good and distracted so when the shadow beam hits this part of town, I barely even notice.

Pulling off the headphones, I get up from my desk and take a peek through the window blinds. Yep. There's the burning city, right on schedule. So why hasn't the shadow beam hit yet? What the hell? What's going on here?...

I turn around and find her standing behind me.

Sakura's changed up her look. Her hair is pure white, and her eyes are the color of blood. Red glyphs and sigils run down the side of her face and neck. She wears a dress made of shadow with crimson pinstripes.

With a single hand, she lifts me by the throat and slams me against the wall. " _There_ you are," she says, her voice eerily calm.

 **⇒ fuck**

 _Ow_... shitfuckshit. Hurts... _so_ much more... than they make it look in the movies. Spine feels like it's gonna tear apart... have to grab her arm and lift myself just to breathe. Feels like holding onto a steel rod...

"Unremarkable. Barely any mana to speak of." Sakura tilts her head, examining me like a dead bug pinned up behind glass in a museum. "So how did you know about her?"

All I can do is gurgle.

"... doesn't matter. Bored now." The sleeve of her dress flows down into her hand, where it morphs into a long, jagged blade of pure midnight. "You should have listened to her."

I stare into her eyes. If there's any sign of the person I know in there - one scrap of recognizable human emotion - I can't see it.

" _Little girls can carry big knives,_ " the creature that used to be Sakura Matou says in mocking singsong. " _Just sayin'._ "

She runs me through with the blade.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So I don't remember Civ II well enough to recall if Sitting Bull/the Sioux were quite as prone to snatching up wonders as Pocatello/the Shoshone are in Civ V. Regardless, let's say that I understand Tom's frustration here a little too well._

 _And we finally hear back from the Animuspheres this time! Or at least_ an _Animusphere. Was it everything you hoped for, Amatsumi? :) Only took me a month and a half to get there. If you'd like Tom to follow up further, the Prompt is listening._


	23. II:9

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.9

 **⇒ restart: iteration 28, day 1, early night**

"No way." Emiya crosses his arms. "That _couldn't_ have been Sakura. There's no chance."

"Well, yeah, no shit," I retort. I'm in a pretty foul mood. Guess finding out someone I've been trying to save has been killing me with magic for the last several loops has that effect on me. Or at least someone who looks like her, anyway. And seems to have access to her memories.

 **⇒ you sure about that**

Not completely, but it stands to reason. Last time was the first loop I didn't see that shadow beam scour our side of town. And guess who shows up looking for me? Besides - shadow beam, shadow monster, shadow dress. Doesn't take a genius to see the thematic link there.

"Question is, what the hell is borrowing her body? And how? Unless -" I glance at Rin. "You don't have any other sisters you've neglected to mention, right?"

" _No._ " Rin glowers at me. I've held back on some of the details this time to keep them from running off to the rescue without me. Including the contract loophole. Maybe she can tell.

I shake my head. "But anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. We need to take this one problem at a time."

Shirou raises an eyebrow. "Meaning... ?"

"Meaning it's time for _someone_ to come clean with the rest of us. Not to name any names, _Saber._ " I glare at her across the table.

"What?!" Saber looks up, startled. "What do I have to do with any of this?"

"Don't give me that," I snap. "I _saw_ the way you looked at Tracksuit Bro. That wasn't _garden-variety_ hate there. I mean, yeah, granted, he'd just slaughtered all our friends and turned you into a living Phineas Gage reenactment -"

"I was going to say." Saber narrows her eyes.

"But still! There was _history_ there. I could tell." I tilt my head. "So _spill._ Who is Blondie? What is his deal?"

"Believe it or not, my list of enemies is not so limited that merely describing him as _blonde_ is any sort of assistance." Saber pauses. "Although... did he at any point use the word _mongrel?_ "

I blink. "Yeah, actually..." Weird choice of insult, come to think of it. I mean, I get it if he doesn't want to work blue, but still...

"Oh, God." Saber pinches the bridge of her nose. "I can't believe this..."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"So..." I take a deep breath. " _The_ Gilgamesh. From Sumerian mythology. _That_ guy."

"The King of Heroes, yes," Saber says irritably.

"Who you fought in the Fourth Grail War ten years ago. Which you were _also_ summoned to be a part of. Is that even possible?" I glance at Rin, who just shrugs. "And you didn't think to mention this before because... ?"

"I was summoned hours ago. There _is_ no before for me." Saber harrumphs. "Besides... if it wasn't for this new information, I would otherwise not see how my past is relevant to our present circumstances."

"Okay..." Not sure if I buy that. All the same, that at least explains how she knew stuff about the last war. And why Zouken kept saying she looked familiar. Guess he must've been in town for all of that. "So, wait... who did you serve back then?"

"... the von Einzberns." Saber glares at me, then turns to Shirou. "Rest assured, though, Master - I retain no loyalty towards them. I will not hesitate to act against them in your service. This I swear."

Shirou raises his hands, a pained expression on his face. "It's okay, Saber. I believe you. Really..."

"Back to Ancient Sumerian Guy," I say. "If you fought against each other, why would he keep you alive? Just to rub it in your face, or something?"

"... partly." Saber looks away, obviously fuming. "The child of Ninsun developed a... _fixation_ on me. He seemed to think he could simply add me to his collection. As if I was some abandoned doll he could simply pick up off of the street at his leisure."

"Jilted ex, huh?" I scratch my chin. "I guess that fits..."

There's the sound of a blade being drawn. Then Saber's standing over the table, her arm thrust towards me. I feel the point of her sword press into my trachea. "Perhaps I need to make myself clear," she snarls. "That man is not - and will never be - an ex- _anything_ to me. Apart from, God willing, _exsanguinated!_

"... what?" She notices that Rin has her hand raised. "... oh." She awkwardly completes the high-five.

" _Yisssss,_ " Rin whispers under her breath. " _That's_ why you're Baeber."

"Yeah, okay, sorry, got it," I whimper. "Jealous Internet nice guy. That makes sense too."

" _Good._ " Saber steps off the table and sits back down. I've pushed her pretty far this time, haven't I?

 **⇒ gee what gave you that impression**

Let's double back to a more comfortable subject - for her and my throat. "So... um... what can you tell us about his powers? Like, the teleporting and stuff?"

"The Gate of Babylon." Saber shifts her jaw. "It is said the King of Uruk's storehouses contained every treasure on the face of the Earth. Up to and including, it seems, the Earth itself. He can thus enter and exit the world at any point he chooses, crossing back and forth to his treasury as he desires."

"Jesus Christ," Rin says in disbelief.

"It gets worse. For all his flaws - which I assure you are _extensive_... the heir of Dumuzid was still the first of all heroes. In a way, we are all his descendants." From Saber's expression, I can tell she is less than fond of the idea. "As such, his gate contains the prototype of _every_ Noble Phantasm in existence, any one of which he can withdraw and use at his leisure. Even my own blade, no doubt, has its match somewhere in his treasury. And that is before we speak of his own weapon, Ea, said to have torn the world asunder in days of old..."

"A-Amazing...," Shirou croaks.

"Holy shit." I have no idea what to say. And here I thought _Hercules_ was overpowered.

"But what's he even doing here?" Rin crosses her arms. "Could he have been summoned as Assassin or Caster or something?"

"It _sounds_ as though he has the same abilities he had as the Archer during the last war." Saber furrows her brow. "But that's impossible. I killed him myself. With my very last attack..."

"Could he have been resummoned afterwards?" Rin asks.

"Without the Grail, you mean?" Saber shifts her eyes. "It's possible, I suppose. Why anyone would do that for _him,_ of all people, is beyond me."

I feel my head start to throb. "Okay, let's bring it back here. We know who he is now. How do we find out more about him?"

"Well... couldn't we just track him down?" Shirou asks. "Not that I'm following all of this... but if he's just been hanging out around here for ten years, he must have gotten up to _something,_ right?"

Trust Shirou to point out the obvious thing I'm missing. I rub my temples. "Right. So detective hats, then. Sure, why not."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 28, day 4, afternoon**

In the days that follow, Rin has Archer comb the city for signs of any other Servants, while she keeps an eye out for Tracksuit Bro using those owl puppet things she has. Lacking anything better to do, I hit the books again. I don't get a whole lot that's useful out of the mythology this time around, though. No exploitable _geas_ or anything. Character-wise, the dude sounds like kind of a dick - big shock - and he seems to have liked the ladies and the beast-men. That's about it.

In the end, it's Shirou making a phone call that does the trick. He just asks his Yakuza contact - who, FYI, is Ms. Fujimura's dad, something that I for one did _not_ know. Turns out there's this blonde Arab-looking guy who runs a nightclub called the Hidden Treasure in the city. He's rich, he's got connections, and under no circumstances should he be messed with. I could've told them that last part.

So we've got a location. Now what?

 **⇒ raid nightclub with squad**

Yeah, I think that's a no-go. Not only are they about to get real busy with Rider and Caster starting tomorrow, but he'd probably be able to tell they're coming. (Servants can sense other Servants, right?) On top of that, Saber's been real touchy since Friday. So bringing her along might not be the best thing for my personal health. Even if she is the only other person who might recognize him.

 **⇒ fine**  
 **⇒ infiltrate nightclub alone**

Small issue there, too, chief. It's 20+ only. Meaning that unless Rin has a way to magic me past things, I'm going to need a few days to figure out how to Photoshop myself up a fake ID.

 **⇒ learning new skills**

Sure, I guess. Having a hard time seeing myself putting this on a future resume, though...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 28, day 6, early night**

The bouncer eyes me and my "driver's license" suspiciously. But I guess sneaking into the teacher's lounge to use the laminator yesterday pays off, because he lets me through anyway. I imagine it's not the first scanjob the Hidden Treasure has seen in its time.

 **⇒ enter**

As you might have guessed, the inside of the club is basically my idea of hell. Crowded, hot, way too goddamn loud. They're even playing the _sucky_ kind of techno. It's that group - you know the one I'm talking about, the one that gets all the radio airtime. I'd name names, but frankly I feel like retaining that information would make me less of a person.

 **⇒ just try to blend in**

Pluuuuh. Yeah, me? Still, I guess I do have a lot of experience as a wallflower. I just try and make myself as small as possible. Everyone seems to ignore me. So... success?

I park myself at the end of the bar and try to look around. It's dimly lit, there's this annoying strobe light that kicks in every few seconds, and the music is loud enough to make me think my head's going to explode.

But once my eyes adjust, he's easy enough to spot. There he is, Blondie McTracksuit himself. He's sitting at a table that's elevated slightly above the rest of the VIP section, in between two gorgeous women. Along with...

... hold on. Is that fucking _Shinji?_

 **⇒ you're kidding**

I wish. Looks like he's having the time of his life, too. He would, too - up above all the little people. It's probably everything he's ever wanted.

 **⇒ see if you can get a picture with your cell phone**

Easier said than done, the way the light is in here. I mentioned the strobe, right? At the very least, I'm going to need to get closer to them.

 **⇒ try it**

Okay. I get up and make worm my way through the dance floor. I hug the edge of the VIP section like I'm heading for the bathrooms, then raise my phone like I just got a text and snap a picture.

The flash goes off, of course. Goddamn it. I wince and brace myself for whatever. But nothing comes.

Okay, take the win. I head for the bathrooms. Mission accomplished, I think? Now all I need to to do is pretend to go in, and then I can get out of this hellhole -

"Hey!" A big gorilla of a dude - wearing the same kind of black shirt the bouncer outside had - grabs my shoulder.

 **⇒ shit**

Shit.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I hit the concrete hard. My cheek throbs in that way that suggests I picked up a scrape there and it's bleeding. Really hope that's it for tonight, but I wouldn't put money on it.

Surprisingly, it's not the gorilla who threw me out into the alley behind the club. Instead, I'd found myself transferred to one of Tracksuit Bro's arm candy, this punk rock-looking white girl in this little gold dress and long black opera gloves. Guess she heads up the muscle around here. I cautiously pick myself up off the ground. "Sorry," I mumble again.

"Tell me... who gave you permission to take my picture, little mongrel? Who said you were worthy of so much as _looking_ at me?"

... aw, crap. I turn to see Gilgamesh standing over me, that knife-like smirk on his face.

"Suh." I swallow. "S-sorry, dude. Really. I just liked the way the light looked, I swear."

"Hup up up." He raises a finger. "Now... who said you were worthy of speaking to me?"

Punk Rock Girl punches me in the head. I go down like a sack of bricks. Fucking _fuck._

 **⇒ notice details in spite of pain**

Of which there is a lot, by the way. (Gah. Is Punky Brewster packing brass knuckles under those gloves or something?! Or am I just a wuss you know what don't answer that.) Looking up, my vision swimming, I don't see a whole lot that seems relevant here. I notice stuff about the eye candy, I guess.

 **⇒ of course you do**

You can snark when one of them isn't beating the shit out of me, okay? Punk Rock Girl has short pink hair and these big mirror shades. I'm shocked she can see anything through the things. She's got a decent amount of muscle on her arms, like she's a bodybuilder or a MMA fighter or something. The other harem member's a lot more conventional. She looks like she came straight out of a idol competition, with just a hint of the whole desperate post-innocence phase. Turquoise streak in her hair. She just clings to Gilgamesh's arm, clad in the exact same outfit as Punk Rock Girl, a carefully neutral expression on her face. Guess she must be the _dandere._

"And again with the arrogance." Gilgamesh sounds amused. "Who gave you permission to stare at my property, wretch?" Punk Rock Girl kicks me in the side. Gahhhhhhgh.

 **⇒ "property"**  
 **⇒ because that's not creepy or anything**

Preaching to the choir. Neither woman says a thing, though. No disturbing implications there or anything, no sir.

 **⇒ try to say something maybe**

He just said I didn't have permission to talk, remember? He's been wearing the same smirk this entire time. This is obviously just a power trip for him.

"Hey, hey, Gil," another voice says. "Let's not get too carried away here."

Oh goddamn it it's Shinji.

 **⇒ speaking of power trips**

"I think I recognize this guy." Shinji grins. "He goes to my school. Class B, right? I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. How about we let this slide, just this once?"

"Oh, very well." Gilgamesh sounds bored. "I _suppose_ that I can simply gut him like a fish if I ever lay my eyes on him again. Come." He snaps his fingers. Punk Rock Girl immediately returns to his side and takes his arm, like he's the Fonz or some shit, I guess. They turn and go back into the club.

"Now, how about that, pal?" Shinji leers down at me. "Aren't you lucky that you know me, Shinji Matou? Isn't it fortunate I was here? I just saved your life, you know. You'll remember that you owe me from now on, won't you?"

Oh, I owe you _something,_ jackhole. Right now, though, I've got no choice but to grit my teeth. "Yeah," I mumble. "Thanks."

Or at least that's what I try to say. It suddenly occurs to me as I finish that there's quite a bit of blood in my mouth. I spit it onto the ground, and... oh. Um. Yeah. Speaking of teeth... that's a tooth, isn't it. One of mine. Just lying there on the concrete.

"Oof." Shinji tisks in faux sympathy. "Better get that looked at, dude. My friends, well... let's just say they can play a little rough."

Grinning like a smug baboon, he walks back into the club.

 **⇒ fucking hell**

It's okay, I tell myself. It'll reset in the next loop. All the same, I sweep up the bit of bone and shove it into my pocket. (Somehow doubt they'd give me a glass of milk or water to put it in if I went back inside and asked.) Besides, it's good. It's all good.

Because in the midst of all that preening and ego fluffing, none of them actually thought to break or steal my phone.

I get on my feet and stumble my way down the alleyway. Up until someone grabs me up by the back of my collar. Oh, what fucking _now -_

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _And Tom's way-beyond-average American pop culture knowledge continues. Is him knowing about_ Happy Days _a bridge too far? Let history be my judge._

 _Do Japanese idol singers also go through the whole Britney Spears/Miley Cyrus tabloid over-sexualized phase? What even happens to idol singers after they get into their twenties? I genuinely have no idea._


	24. II:10

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.10

 **⇒ continue: iteration 28, day 6, late night**

"Ow," I mumble, trying not to whimper. It's tough to talk around the mass of gauze in my mouth, not to mention while holding an ice pack to my lower jaw to tamp down on the swelling. No helping it, though. I look up at the person across the table. "There's nothing, uh, special you could do about this, right? Like... make me grow a new one or something?"

"Believe it or not, magical dentistry really isn't something I've spent much time on." Rin pushes back her hair and stares at my cell phone screen.

We're down in her dad's workshop in the basement of her house. Archer brought me here after he picked me up out of the alleyway. Seems that Rin sent him out to keep an eye on me tonight, albeit from a distance to avoid Gilgamesh picking up on his presence. He stands over by the door, arms folded, doing his whole Cool Detached Badass shtick. My tooth sits in a red-stained glass of milk on the table next to Rin's first aid kit, amid the scattered piles of books and notes.

"This is him?" She taps on Gilgamesh's face in the midst of the grainy photo.

"Yep." The bandage over the big scrape on my cheek comes loose again. I press down on it with my pinky.

"I've seen him before." Rin closes my phone and slides it back to me. "Twice."

I raise my eyebrows. "Seriously?"

She nods. "The first time was last week. I ran across him and Sakura talking down the road from her house."

"About what?"

"I couldn't get close enough to hear them. She obviously wasn't happy to see him, though. I could tell that much." Rin furrows her brow. "Then today, I saw him hanging around outside the Matous' house. Like he was waiting for someone, I guess? But no one came out. Eventually, he just wandered off."

Seems like ol' Gil's in pretty thick with the Matous, then. The occasional murder and/or literal stolen heart aside.

Rin runs her hands through her hair. "Do you think he has something to do with... whatever happens to her next week?"

I shrug. "Maybe. Right now, your guess is as good as mine." I glance at one of the book piles. "Any luck finding out what a _karagoze_ is?"

She shakes her head. "Nothing. It's probably either a von Einzbern secret or just something really specialized. Mages aren't the greatest at sharing information, you know?"

Sounds like I'll need to make time to ask Illya about it at some point, then. Which is probably what I should've done in the first place, if I'd been thinking about it.

 **⇒ lot going on right now**

"So, wait..." I blink. "What were _you_ doing outside the Matous today?"

"G-gathering information, of course!" Rin juts out her chin and looks away, her face reddening. "Don't go reading into things! It's not like I'm worried about her or anything!"

"Uh... huh." I spend a second or two processing that reaction. "Hold on. Real talk: is this a magic thing? Does that contract _geas_ you're under keep you from even _acting_ like you care about Sakura?"

"Wait, you know about that? Well... no, not exactly, but..." She deflates and looks away. "I guess pretending like I don't care just makes the rest of it easier to handle. And it makes explaining things a lot easier, too. What else am I supposed to tell normies? _'I have to keep my distance from that person, or this spell I'm under gives me migraines?'_ "

"It does?" I raise my eyebrows. "You've never mentioned that before."

She shrugs and waves at the shelves and piles of books around her. "My inheritance as a Tohsaka, you know? It may not be much fun... but it's all I have."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

She has Archer show me out. I pause on the way out of the door. "So... um, thanks, you know? For getting me out of there and everything." It occurs to me for the first time that - despite having frigging _died_ in his vicinity a bunch of times now - I really don't know much about him. Even Saber's less of a mystery by comparison at this point.

He narrows his eyes. "You _do_ realize I was watching the whole time they were beating the shit out of you, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but..." Actually, I _hadn't_ thought of that. "... it's not like I don't get it, though. If you _had_ tried something, he probably just would've straight-out killed me. So still... thanks."

Archer rolls his eyes. "Whatever. I was just following orders. Don't go thinking I'd be bailing you out of anything if it was up to me." I snort. "What?"

" _'It's not like I care or anything, baka!'_ " I do my best Asuka Soryu - or maybe Shana? - impression. "You and Rin really do suit each other, don't you?"

He glares at me. "Are you actively trying to lose more teeth tonight? Because I can make that happen."

I shrug. "Hey, maybe. Don't be kink-shaming, bro."

"Remember that _leaving_ thing you were doing?" A blade materializes in his hand.

"Okay, okay." I raise my hands and walk outside. "See you around, Not Actually Tsunde -"

He slams the door shut behind me. Okay, then. Still, good to know he's got at least one button I know how to press.

 **⇒ living dangerously here huh**

Oh, what's he gonna do? Kill me again? And you're one to talk. I practically learned how to troll from you.

 **⇒ eh**  
 **⇒ touche**

Gotta find our lulz where we can, right?

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I stop by Emiya's on the way back. He's asleep, but his Servant is still up. "Unbelievable," Saber growls as she stares at the cell phone picture. "It really _is_ him."

"Told you," I said. "Also, please don't break my cell phone." The way her hand's curled around it, I wouldn't be shocked to find a crack or two.

She hands me back the phone and turns away. "... I will need to think on this."

"Sure, okay." I scratch the back of my head. "Just remember to tell Shirou in the morning, okay?"

"Mmh." She nods distractedly.

I turn to leave, then hesitate. Okay... it would probably be a mistake to bring this up. She's obviously upset about this Gilgamesh thing, and talking about the last war back on Friday seemed pretty difficult for her. So I shouldn't say anything at all, right?

 **⇒ if you have to ask yourself that question**  
 **⇒ the answer is yes**  
 **⇒ always**

... eh, screw it. I'm curious. "Hey, one more thing," I say. "... you're not Bradamante, right?"

She stares at me. " _Who?_ "

I shrug. "Yeah, okay, didn't think so. Never mind."

I head for the door. Before I can open it, she slams her hand on the frame, preventing me from sliding it open. "Wait. Why do you ask? Who is Bradamante?"

 **⇒ oh my god**  
 **⇒ you dumbass**

I try to sound casual. "Oh... y'know... no reason."

"That's a lie."

I shift my eyes away. "Well... it's just that she's the one female knight I was able to find. I mean, I figured it was a long shot. She's more associated with Charlemagne and Orlando and those guys, you're obviously tied in more to the Arthurian stuff..."

She twitches. The part of the door frame beneath her thumb splinters a little. "... what makes you say that?"

I squirm. "Well... you've got Excalibur, don't you? And you mentioned Morgan le Fay that one time -"

She grabs me by the neck and throws me against the wall. I barely manage to keep my tooth cup from spilling. Okay, yeah, mistake. This was _definitely_ a mistake.

 **⇒ oh ya think**

"How," Saber growls, "do you know about my sword?"

"Saber, I'm... really not comfortable with this...," I wheeze.

Her hand tightens. "Answer me. _Now._ "

Crap. I swallow. "You shout out its name whenever you make your big attack, that's all. It's kind of a giveaway, you know?"

She stares into my eyes. Her hair's all puffed out. Kind of looks like a lion's mane from this angle... which I guess makes me the zebra or the antelope or whatever? Okay, you know what, forget it, I really don't like where this metaphor is going.

I switch into terrified babbling mode. "So at first I was thinking Guinevere, or maybe the Lady in the Lake. 'Cause she's the one who wound up with the sword in the end, right? But that didn't fit, because you've obviously got the chivalric code going most of the time, and the stories don't talk about them doing any knightly stuff. So then I started looking into whether or not Arthur had any daughters - but that doesn't work either, because if he had any legitimate heirs other than Mordred, the whole story falls apart..."

Saber closes her eyes and breaths out. Slowly, she relaxes, her hair falling back into place. She lets go of my throat and turns away. "I... apologize," she says stiffly. "That was unworthy of me. I was simply... surprised, that's all."

I rub my throat. Feels like I have a new bruise or two there. Great. You know, I still need to think about how I'm going to explain this to the parents in the morning. "Yeah, well... if that's your take on surprise, I'd hate to see you angry."

She sighs. "I would... _appreciate_ you keeping what you have learned to yourself. I have reasons I would prefer my past remains buried, Thomas. Both for my sake and the sake of others. If Shirou were to find out the full truth..."

I blink. "You get that he's ridiculously non-judgmental, don't you? You'd have to have done something, like, _slaughtering-babies_ -level bad to even phase him."

She shrugs. "All the same..."

I stare at her for a second. I wonder... she couldn't be _Morgan,_ right? Maybe gone repentant after Arthur's death? ... nah. I don't buy it. Aside from it being a huge shift in her established character, I don't think you can live a whole lifetime as a sorcerer only to respec as a fighter at the last second. Big Dungeon Master in the sky can't be _that_ nice.

"Thank you for bringing me this information," Saber says quietly. "If you wouldn't mind... I find myself quite tired now."

"Oh. Uh... sure." I turn and make my exit. Welp. guess I'm two for two on pissing off Servants tonight, huh?

 **⇒ make that three for three**

Oh, right, Gilgamesh. Can't forget about the King of Dicks, can we...

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 28, day 7, evening**

So I wind up spending the next day almost entirely at the dentist. My parents freak out about the whole thing, of course, even if they buy my story about getting mugged while I was out in town. My "mandibular first premolar" - that's what they call the tooth I lost - is toast for sure. I know I'll have it back as soon as I loop, but it still feels weird. I just can't seem to stop poking at the gap in my teeth with my tongue. On top of that, they think there might be bone fragments left in the gum, so I might have to go in for a root canal next week. Joy. Wonder if I could convince them to Novocaine me up through the apocalypse?

I'm home at last, lying in bed, hopped up on enough Tylenol to poison a giraffe, when my cell phone goes off. "Get into the city. _Now,_ " Rin says. "Meet us at that Hidden Treasure place."

I snort. "You're kidding me, right? I told you what McTracksuit said he'd do if I showed up again, didn't I?"

"I know, I know, but _listen._ " Rin takes a deep breath. "Saber showed up at my place after school, all right? Without Shirou. On a freaking _motorcycle._ I already called him - he doesn't know anything about this, or where she got the bike from."

Okay, weird. But I'm still not seeing the crisis here. "So what?"

"She asked if she could borrow another outfit from me. For _clubbing._ "

... oh, goddammit it. Saber's going after Gilgamesh alone, isn't she.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Re: RandomGuy review on Chapter 2/Part I.2 - I'm guessing you haven't watched the anime or the abridged series, huh? That particular explosion looks like it was rotoscoped straight off of Castle Bravo or Crossroads Baker footage. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but I imagine that someone seeing something like that happen_ right in front of them _wouldn't necessarily be in the most rational state of mind afterwards._

 _Brandamante is yet another mythological character/major badass I'm kind of surprised Type MOON hasn't added to the FGO Servant lineup. As Tom mentions, she's associated with Orlando, Roland, and the other knights of Charlemagne, who would have lived around four hundred years after Camelot. She's a major character in Handel's fantasy opera_ Alcina. _A version of her under the name Britomart appears alongside Arthur in Edmund Spenser's epic poem_ The Faerie Queen, _but as that was a late Renaissance-era allegory, I'm guessing that wouldn't have come up in Tom's search._


	25. II:11

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.11

 **⇒ continue: iteration 28, day 7, early night**

So, in spite of myself, I show up. Even though I know Gilgamesh has probably informed the bouncers to watch out for me, and as soon as I show my face they'll rush me away so he can do that fish-gutting thing he mentioned. Good thing I'm inured to death at this point, right? Eheh heh heh nope I'm totally not. But I'm not seeing any sign of Saber or Rin in the line outside... so it can't be helped.

To my shock, the bouncer lets me through without a second glance. It's a different guy than last night, at least. Still, the process is so easy, it immediately makes me paranoid. It's a trap, right? It has to be. I couldn't have just lucked out... right?

Once again, I timidly pass through the gates of hell. Music's a bit better tonight, at least. Just as I walk in, the DJ starts blasting that one cover of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" with the Spanish guitar.

 **⇒ find saber and/or rin**

I dodge and weave my way through the crowd, trying to keep as far away from the VIP area as I can. Past the coat check, through the sit-down area directly in front of the front door, around this _insanely_ hot woman in a lavender dress - I've almost made it to the bar before someone grabs my shoulder. I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from shrieking.

But it's just Rin, thank God, with Shirou standing close behind her. "Where's Saber?" I shout, but I can barely hear myself over the music. She shakes her head and leads me back behind the sit-down area and through the sizable line to the ladies' bathroom.

We huddle up. "We haven't seen her yet," Rin says. "You?"

"Nope. Did she say anything at all about what her plan was here?" Rin shakes her head. Figures.

"Should I just summon her?" Shirou asks, holding up the hand with his Command Seals.

"Better not," Rin mutters. "You've only got the one left, remember?"

"Also, side note here - um, _damn?_ " I gesture to, well, all of Rin. She's wearing this lowcut corset with a long slitted dress that perfectly frames her legs, along with these cuffed evening gloves and ladybug stockings, all in her trademark shade of red. Also, there's this kind of playing card motif around the waist that vaguely reminds me of Harley Quinn? It kinda checks lot of boxes for me, is what I'm trying to say.

 **⇒ guh**  
 **⇒ will you just move on already**

She arches an eyebrow. "Thanks. Did you seriously just wear your school uniform here?"

I shrug helplessly. "Well... yeah. I mean, what else was I gonna wear?"

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, here's the plan. You keep your head down and watch the entrance, Nehru. Shirou, you check the bar. I've got the dance floor." With that, Rin vanishes into the crowd.

I look over at Shirou. He's wearing a white muscle shirt and - for some reason - a stovepipe top hat. "Am I - what should I be wearing? Do other people just _know_ these things somehow?"

He shrugs. "Don't look at me. I'm just following the commander's orders."

I raise my eyebrows. "She picked this out for you?"

He shakes his head. "She just said on the phone to dress like I was going to a gay bar."

I stare at him. "But... um. How do you..." I catch myself. "You know what? Never mind. I'm just gonna leave that door closed."

"Huh?" He gives me a confused look. "But - I mean, there's a reason -"

"Forget it. It's cool. Let's just go find your Servant, dude." I pat him on the shoulder and walk off to my assigned zone.

I may be finally starting to wise up here. There are some things in this universe that are none of my business, you know? And I am perfectly fine not knowing about them. I've learned that about myself.

 **⇒ so how would you react to those instructions**

Fuck if I know. Uncle Shin had this thing for Hawaiian shirts, so I guess - wait. NOPE NOPE NO shutting this thread down. Shutting it _right_ the fuck down.

 **⇒ heh heh heh**

Why do you feel compelled to do this to me? At the worst possible moments, no less.

 **⇒ hey gotta find my lulz where i can**

... I really should have known that line was going to come back to haunt me.

 **⇒ you really shoulda**

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Keeping my eye on the entrance is a lot more difficult than you'd think. Not only is there a constant stream of people heading in and out, but Lavender Woman is sitting at a table alone just inside my field of vision. She's... a bit of a distraction.

 **⇒ focus will you**

I'm trying! It's like having a TV on right in front of me. A tall, willowy TV with striking eyes and a short skirt, no less. Just draws the eye in, you know?

 **⇒ ugh**

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what Saber must be thinking here. Which is difficult, considering how freaking cryptic she has to be about everything. Still, no matter how pissed off at Big G she is, she's not gonna completely throw strategy to the wind here, right? She's smarter than that.

 **⇒ probably yeah**

So how will she play this? Trying to sneak up and gank him in the crowd doesn't seem like her at all. Not to mention, this place is packed to the gills with non-combatants. She'll need to come up with a way to get everyone out of the way here. Maybe grab one of the employees and make them call Gilgamesh outside? Or pull one of the fire alarms? Or -

A massive steel telephone pole crashes down through the front wall and crushes one of the big amps next to the DJ booth. The speaker tower screeches like a banshee and dies.

Or... that could work too, I guess.

The music cuts out. Everyone immediately backs away. In the stunned silence, I hear a motorcycle engine rev.

 **⇒ are you kidding me**

A Kawasaki bike races through the thin slit punched in the wall and up the pole. It ramps over a group of stragglers nearby the collapsed amp - _without_ taking off any of their heads in the process - and _somehow_ manages to land in the exact right spot on the crowded dance floor where it can screech to a halt without injuring or killing anyone. I have absolutely no idea how any of that works, but it does.

"Holy shit," this one guy nearby the motorcycle says in a dazed tone. "Is that a _sword?_ "

Cue the screaming and running.

 **⇒ holy shit indeed**

I press myself against the wall to avoid getting crushed as the panicked mob rushes for the doors. At least the place seems to be up to code. I hear alarms scream as emergency exits get thrown open. The room clears, faster than I would've believed possible.

Saber pulls off the yellow motorcycle helmet on her head and tosses it aside. Drawing her blade, clad in full armor, she steps off the bike and faces the VIP section. "Gilgamesh, son of Lugalbanda!" she shouts above the tumult. "I would have words with you!"

 **⇒ daaamn gurl**

Above all the noise from the rapidly departing clientele, I hear another sound. Ah, yes. The villainous slow clap. A true classic.

"Well, well, well! As I live and breathe! Good evening, King of Knights!" Gilgamesh smirks down at her from the VIP section. He sits alone at his high table with his feet up, a glass of wine in hand. No sign of Punk Rock Girl or anyone else by his side. "You have my thanks for livening up a _dreadfully_ dull night. Isn't this a bit showy for that ridiculous code of yours, though?"

"Your footman outside appeared to think I required some form of _identification_ in order to enter," Saber snaps. "I trust this demonstration serves as sufficient proof of my person?"

"Oh, indeed. As host, I must apologize for my servant's insolence. Allow me to repay you for the insult with his meager life."

"That isn't -" From outside comes the sound of metal sinking into flesh and a loud scream which is abruptly cut short. Saber winces.

 **⇒ get over to saber**

... are you sure that's a great idea? I mean, he's looking right at her. Though I guess he probably must be able to see me anyway by this point... the room's just about empty. Moving slowly, I pick my way through the discarded chairs and pushed-over tables towards the dance floor.

"Enough. How are you still here?" Saber points her sword at Gilgamesh. Excalibur's blade is visible at the moment. I guess she decloaked it so the crowd knew she meant business. "You seem... different."

"Spending ten years in this poor excuse for an age does that to one. Even to me." Gilgamesh swirls the wine in his glass. Classy bastard. "As to the how, let's just say I made... certain arrangements before the end of the last war."

"Why?" Saber demands. "What could you possibly have to gain?"

"Aside from entertainment, you mean?" Gilgamesh shrugs. "The same as you, I suppose. A second chance. Less for myself, of course, and more for the pack of mutts known as the human race. An opportunity to return this bedraggled species to its former glory, free from the chains of so-called modernity."

Saber narrows her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Please, Saber." He grins. "It'd be one thing if you intended to join me. In the meantime, what kind of king reveals his strategy to an opponent?"

"Strategy? I hear no tactics in your words, only madness."

Gilgamesh snorts. "You're one to talk. What were you thinking, sending your Master in ahead of you? You're fortunate I'm such a gracious host."

"My - _what?_ " Saber turns to see Shirou and Rin standing over by the bar. He's holding a Reinforced mike stand at the ready. Rin seems to have acquired his top hat at some point. (Can't blame her - it really works with the dress.) Saber whips around again to see me crouched behind the bike. I give her a small wave.

"So what do you think of my new Servant, Emiya?"

Oh, goddammit. It's Shinji. He steps out by the end of the bar, a gloating smile on his face. Gilgamesh just rolls his eyes and takes a long pull from his wine glass. "Amazing, don't you think?" he says. "That I managed to find another one so soon? Not to mention, one _so_ much stronger than that stupid whore I used to have -"

"What are you doing here?!" Saber hisses to me as he blathers on. "Have you all lost your senses?!"

"That's what _we_ were gonna ask you!" I whisper. "I told you this guy stomped our asses last time, didn't I?! What the hell makes you think you can solo him?!"

" _I'm_ the only one he _doesn't_ want to kill!" Saber growls. "Having to protect you three makes this fight a thousand times harder!"

"Oh. Huh. Yeah, okay, good point." I scratch my head. "Good thing you brought that up at the meeting we all _OH WAIT._ " She snarls and looks away. I glance at her armor. "And anyway - why'd you even ask Rin for another outfit if you were just gonna charge in like this?"

"I was _curious,_ all right?!" she snaps. "I am allowed to be a _multifaceted fucking individual!_ "

Meanwhile, Shinji's still talking. "- wish you'd made an alliance with me? Doesn't it make you want to beg me on your hands and knees? I promise that I might even consider it -"

"Uh-huh," Rin says, sounding bored. "Yeah. Cool story. Hey, did you just say you were this guy's mana source?"

Shinji blinks. "Um..."

"Sweet. Thanks." She lifts her finger and blasts him between the eyes with a _Gandr_ shot. Shinji slumps to the ground. His head still seems to be in one piece, so I presume he's just unconscious.

"Oi!" Shirou gives her an injured look.

"Oh, what?!" she snaps.

"Rin!" I can't help but reproach her myself. Certain things are just unacceptable, you know? "Shoot first, _then_ the one-liner! He's got less time to dodge that way."

Rin shrugs. Shirou shoots me a glare and shakes his head.

Gilgamesh just smirks and snaps his fingers. Shinji disappears in a flurry of bronze ripples. "A suitable jester, don't you think?" he says to Saber. "What he lacks in mana, he makes up in entertainment value. More so than _that_ whelp's father, at least." He motions towards Rin.

Rin blinks. "Wait, wha?"

"But enough talk." Gilgamesh puts his feet down on the floor, his eyes gleaming in a way I find profoundly uncomfortable. "We have unfinished business, you and I. That _is_ why you came here, yes?"

"Erm." Saber glances over at Shirou. "Perhaps -"

"Worry not, my dear." There's something in this guy's smile that makes his teeth look razor-sharp. "I've waited ten years for this moment. I have no intention of rushing things. Kitten?"

There's another flash. One member of the arm candy from last night is standing in between us and Gilgamesh. Not Punk Rock Girl, the other one - the fallen idol with the turquoise streak in her hair. She giggles and waves at us.

"Seriously?" Shirou blinks. "You want us to fight _her?_ She doesn't even have a -"

A steel ball comes out of nowhere and slams into his gut. He reels and falls back against the bar. "... weapon," he coughs. "Never mind..." Yeah, he kinda set himself up for that one.

'Kitten' pulls the ball back to her using a long chain. Oh, crap. I know this thing. It's that one Chinese weapon - two big weights connected by a chain. What's it called again? A dragon's fist? Flying hammer? Something like that. Anyway, she swings the chain over her head, dancing and twirling like a frigging combat ballerina or something. As she does, her appearance shifts and blurs, her features vanishing.

When she finally strikes a pose, chain held ready, I find myself looking at a lithe metallic frame. Small whirring gears and cogs work away within her exposed ribcage, while gold-plated muscles flex over copper bones. Like a living sculpture, or an ornately-carved anatomy doll. Her face is simply a metal skull, with two emerald gems set within her eye sockets.

Holy shit. When he said property last night... he actually meant _property._

 **⇒ i wouldn't jump to any conclusions**

"I may not have as many followers as that Iskandar," Gilgamesh remarks, "but I am not without resources."

Bronze ripples spread throughout the abandoned club. All around us, skull-headed suits of golden armor step out into the world. They're all bigger and bulkier than Kitten, covered in metal plates - and armed with blades, spears, clubs, you name it. They also all seem to be wearing the same black t-shirts the club bouncers had on. Rin helps Shirou to his feet. They rush over to join us on the dance floor as the constructs surround us.

"The _ussu-u-ussu,_ " Gilgamesh says. "A legion of my finest warriors, their spirits bound within living suits of armor, so that they may guard my treasures for eternity. They've been quite eager to meet you, Saber. They wish to see for themselves whether or not you're worthy of joining them in my service."

We draw back into a circle as the golems approach. Not like I have any clue what to do about the dudes on _my_ side. I glance over at Rin, who's hurriedly digging through her purse. (Probably looking for gems. Why didn't she just keep them in her - oh, right. Dress equals no pockets. Fuckin' patriarchy.) "Now might be a good time for Archer to make an appearance," I mutter to her.

"I... um..." Rin glances furtively back at Shirou. "I didn't bring him."

"You _what?!_ " I just figured he'd been doing his whole invisible man bit this whole time. "Why would you - call him in, then!"

"I'm trying!" she hisses. "He's not answering."

"Well, try harder! Why the fuck wouldn't you bring him?! That makes no sense!"

"You!" Gilgamesh raises his hand.

Oh, balls. He's pointing at me, isn't he. Fuck. "Uh..."

"You look suitably worthless." Gilgamesh looks down on me, without the slightest hint of recognition on his face.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold the phone here.

Does he... seriously _not remember me?_

Oh, come on, dude! It was just _last night!_ I can't be _that_ unmemorable... I think...

 **⇒ yeah given the circumstances i wouldn't complain too much**

Something grabs my shoulders. Before I can even yell, there's a flash of golden light. The next thing I know, I'm being tossed into the DJ booth.

Shit, what the fuck? Did he just _teleport_ me? I get my bearings - okay, still in the club. There's Saber and the rest down on the dance floor below me, surrounded by the mob of constructs. There's the bar across the room, and Saber's parked motorcycle.

And there's the brass golem standing right fucking next to me in the booth, staring me down with the dead rubies in its eyes. Shit.

"Play something suitable for this dance, mongrel." Gilgamesh pulls out a bottle of wine from beneath the table and tops off his glass. "Choose wisely. If I don't like what I hear, I'll have my warrior disembowel you."

"Um," I say. I glance around the booth. A disorganized pyramid of CDs in the corner. Whole bunch of control boards I know _absolutely nothing_ about. Wireless microphone lying out on the table. Oh wait thank God - there's a laptop. With iTunes already up on the screen, no less. But still... what does he expect me to -

"You have until the count of ten," Gilgamesh adds cheerfully. A nasty-looking serrated blade pops out of the golem's wrist.

Oh, God _dammit!_ I rush over to the laptop and start scrolling down the DJ's immense collection. How am I supposed to - I don't know _any_ of this shit! It's all European crap!

Could kinda use some help here! Any advice?!

 **⇒ just don't pick anything by the eagles**  
 **⇒ people can be real snobs about them for some reason**

AGHHH _fuck!_ Fuck, fuck, fuuuuu -

Oh. Hey. There's something.

I glance up. Rin's still messing with her purse. Okay. Deep breath. Let's see if I can buy her a few more seconds.

I seize the microphone and turn it on. "And here we go," I say, trying to make my voice sound as bored and disinterested as I can, despite the pants-wetting terror. Gilgamesh raises an eyebrow. "Welcome back to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies. We're gonna keep on truckin' with this Dylanesque pop bubblegum favorite from April 1970. That's right, folks. It's Stealers Wheel, with 'Music to Cut Ears To.'"

I double-click the track. The torture scene song from _Reservoir Dogs_ kicks in.

Gilgamesh listens. "... eh. Could be worse," he says. "Congratulations, mongrel. You get to live for another three minutes."

 **⇒ quick**  
 **⇒ queue up 'battle without honor and humanity' while you can**

Ooh, they have that? Anyway, that's right about when Rin throws a grenade gem into the middle of the horde. Then it's on.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Rin's dress here is a trimmed-down version of a cosplay outfit I found rummaging about online, supposedly patterned on her look in FGO. (Though I seem to have mentally added in the gloves from her Kaleid Ruby getup in_ ataraxia _at some point.) If you're curious, it's currently being sold on the Uwowo Cosplay website. Shirou's clothes, on the other hand, is just a straight shout-out to the music video for "Gay Bar" by the Electric Six. Rin's just lucky he doesn't own a fake beard._

 _I don't think giving Gilgamesh mecha-mooks like I do here is too far outside of his wheelhouse. Guy had a frigging magic_ airplane _in his collection. Besides, what's a king without his servants? (Little-s servants, that is.)_

 _And "Stuck in the Middle With You" technically came out in April_ 1974, _for the record, not 1970. Didn't feel right to have Tom remember the line exactly as scripted, though._


	26. II:12

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.12

 **⇒ continue: iteration 28, day 7, early night**

 **⇒ well i don't know why i came here tonight**  
 **⇒ i got the feeling that something ain't right**

It takes me another minute or two to throw together a playlist with the few tracks I recognize. Which doesn't sound like much, but hey, _you_ try working with a brawl happening like three meters away. Regardless, that gives me a little breathing room.

I look up and check in on how the battle's going. Huh. Surprisingly well so far, actually. Saber seems to be everywhere at once. As I watch, she swings her sword in a wide arc, sending a shockwave through the air that knocks a crowd of golems away like flies. Then she turns and cleaves the construct behind her straight through the neck, taking off its skull and producing a spurt of silver fluid. (So the magical robot soldiers _bleed?_ Wow. That's just excessive.) Shirou seems to be holding his own so far, too. He's dueling with a single opponent right now, his mike stand against the golem's... I dunno, some kind of falchion, maybe. Rin kneels behind Saber's motorcycle, using it as cover while she pelts the mob with _Gandr_ blasts. (I don't see any sign of Kitten. Did she already get scrapped?)

"Rin!" Saber hollers over the noise. "Be careful with that! I gave my word that I would return it intact!"

"Return it _where?_ " Rin shouts back. "Where'd you even get this thing?!"

"The dealership!"

"You _bought_ it?!" The color drains from Shirou's face. As one might expect from the guy likely to get stuck with the bill.

"Of course not!" Saber knocks away a blow from a spear, then whirls in and cuts the wielder down. "I'm test-driving it!"

"That's not how that works, Saber!" Shirou yells. He gets inside the golem's reach and bashes it over the head, sending it reeling back, a big dent in its skull. "That's not how that works _at all!_ "

"Why not? I drove it! And it is clearly being tested!"

I glance over at Gilgamesh. He doesn't look particularly bothered by the sight of his mooks getting shredded. He just sits there with that same goddamn smirk on his face, taking the occasional sip of wine.

So why doesn't Saber just try and blast him with Excalibur already? Oh, wait, duh... we're in the middle of the city. No matter how she angled it, who knows how much collateral damage we'd be looking at? Man... this battle is just a terrible idea for us on every level, isn't it?

 **⇒ yup**  
 **⇒ say hi to our old friend charlie foxtrot**

Okay, next order of business. Is there anything - anything at all - that I can do to help them from here? I scan the booth. There's a light board on the table to my side. I could try putting on the strobe... but honestly, that seems just as likely to hurt the squad as it might help. Or I could cut the lights altogether - but same problem, and besides, don't constructs get darkvision as standard?

Otherwise, there's two bigass sound boards, the laptop, a huge power supply/circuit breaker for the amps, and the microphone. I guess it'd be easy enough to create some feedback with the mike - just turn it on and hold it close to a speaker. But would that even hurt these things? They don't have ears, at least of the obvious fleshy variety.

Which leads me to my other little problem. I look over at the golem standing guard in the booth with me. It stares back.

 **⇒ examine golem**

Sure. It looks to be generally pretty typical of the other armored-type constructs out on the dance floor. No black bouncer t-shirt, though. (Maybe they ran out?) A little over two meters tall. Unlike Kitten, I notice, its skull lacks a jaw. (I guess she must be the exception to the rule, probably an elite unit or a light skirmisher or something.)

Otherwise, as I mentioned, its 'eyes' are blood-red rubies. The body reminds me vaguely of European full plate armor, albeit made out of brass or gold or maybe really shiny bronze instead of steel. Metalwork's surprisingly ornate when viewed up close - lots of strange runes and vaguely animalistic patterns engraved on its surface. Its hands currently hang stiffly by its sides. The extended wrist blade (which I suspect the other golems _don't_ have; this one's vambraces look particularly beefed up by comparison) is maybe thirty to forty centimeters long and dull silver in color, its jagged edges slightly rusted in a few places.

There's no helmet or anything to protect the neck or the skull; the armor ends at the gorget. Otherwise, I'm not seeing any obvious weak points. No big glowy bits that scream 'bash here for extra damage.' Or any kind of off switch.

 **⇒ anything else around you**

Yeah, actually... I sniff the air. Something's burning. Smells like insulation or plastic. Coming from...

Oh. Shit. It's coming from the direction of that speaker tower Saber crushed on her way in. Right by the exit to the booth. Is there still live current going to that thing? Because fuck _that_ oh so very much.

 **⇒ can you stop it**

Maybe? I'd need to get a closer look first. I look around. Work gloves - work gloves - c'mon, work gloves. No work gloves. Fuck. Okay. Guess the cloth ones I'm wearing are gonna have to do. I head over to the amp -

Or, at least, that's the plan before I find the wrist blade up against my neck. Golden boy's a lot faster than it looks.

 **⇒ think fast**

I take a deep breath and look it right in the... well... rubies. "Okay. Look, Conan the Terminator. Chances are I'm probably already gonna die in this whole mess. Thing is, I'd still kinda like to _not_ burn to death in an electric fire while I'm waiting for that to happen. You get me?"

It doesn't move. Another golem gets thrown against the wall next to the booth and slides to the ground.

I sigh. "Fine. Let's try this instead. Your boss gave me a job to do, so I might as well do it _right._ Plus, this is all his stuff anyway, isn't it? You really think he wants it to get destroyed by _accident?_ "

It eyes me suspiciously. Somehow.

"Look, I won't even need to leave the booth all the way, okay? I can just kinda lean off the edge." Which is true. The broken amp is that close. "Just let me do this before there's a fire? _Please?_ "

The golem hesitates. Then it slowly removes the blade from my throat. I breath out. " _Thank_ you."

It raises its hand. Points to its eye sockets, then at me. Then pops out the wrist blade on its _other_ arm.

"Yeah, yeah, message received..." I blink. "Wait... can you not talk?"

It shakes its head.

"Huh. Wokay, then." Weird design choice. I shrug and head over to the crushed amp.

The smell of burning definitely gets stronger the closer I get to the speaker tower. Bits of destroyed tweeters and mid-range drivers lie across the floor. The steel utility pole Saber smashed through the wall still rests propped up on top of it. (Geez - looks like she tore it straight out of the concrete.) A mangled length of overhead power line hangs limply from the top of the mast. It winds back through the breach and into the street outside the club, where it ends in a sad little pile. Mental note: I need to keep as far away from it and the pole as I can. I'm fairly certain the line isn't live, but there might be a short in the amp running through them. (Also, I _really really_ need to stop antagonizing Saber. Like for forever and ever.)

 **⇒ be careful**

I get down on my hands and knees and crawl into the altogether-too-small-for-comfort gap between the pole and the floor, keeping my legs inside the booth as promised. For its part, the golem clanks over and stands next to me. It very carefully positions itself between me and the breach in the wall.

I glance up at it as I feel around the floor for cords beneath the debris. "So... you got a name or something?" Just making conversation, you know.

 **⇒ it just told you it can't talk**

See, that's what makes it _fun._ The golem hesistates, then taps a bit of cuniform embossed on its collarbone.

"Yeah, I can't read that, dude."

It thinks for a second. Then it raises one index finger, puts it down, raises it again, then holds up three more.

"1-1-4?" I ask. "That's your name? Your name is a number?"

It nods.

"Damn. Well, that's kinda a big ol' pile of bullshit, ain't it?"

It shrugs.

I turn back to the amp. "I'm gonna call you Iiyo, okay? That cool?"

The golem tilts his head.

"Iiyo? Iiyo," I say. "Done."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Long story short, I manage to find and pull the amp's power cord without killing myself. Then I neaten things up in that area so that we don't all burn to death. I guess my playlist isn't bad, because Gil just seems to forget about me after that. He doesn't even have me killed when "Lime in the Coconut" plays. (What can I say? I was desperate for a bridge track.)

Oh, and by the way, the entire time I'm doing this? The battle's still raging. Eventually, I figure out why things are taking so long, even though Saber's junking constructs left and right:

The golems keep getting back up.

I even get to see it happen up close, when one that Saber _sliced in frigging half straight through its armor_ slumped down next to the broken amp. That silver blood the golems leak all over the place? It almost immediately started to coalesce and draw itself back together, like droplets of mercury on a plate. Eventually, the quicksilver collected and soaked back into the body. A big tear in the chestplate knitted itself together, and the golem started moving again. It reattached its legs to its torso and got back on its feet. So... self-repair nanobots? Built-in healing potion? I don't have a clue.

Main thing is this: Gilgamesh made this fight into an endurance game. And we're losing.

Even Saber looks exhausted by now. She's facing off with Kitten again. I guess at some point, she chopped the flying hammer's chain in half, so the golem has only one weight to throw around instead of two. As I watch, Kitten launches the ball at her. Saber bats it away with her sword, like they're playing cricket or something - but a coil of chain strikes her in the face, leaving a cut on her cheek.

As for the two Masters, Shirou's in pretty rough shape. Stab wounds and cuts all over the place, as per usual for him. He's still fighting, of course, but he's really slowed down. He's been struggling to deal with this one golem wielding a pair of short swords for the past few minutes. And Rin - holy shit, Rin's actually _meleeing._ At some point, she picked up a sword that looks a little like a Chinese _jian._ She's doing really well with it, too - holding off a whole crowd of golems by herself. Did you know she could do that? I had absolutely no idea.

 **⇒ probably deliberate on her part**  
 **⇒ that way she has something unexpected she can fall back on**

Makes sense. But if that's the case, I'm guessing she must be way low on mana. Haven't seen her use a gem in a while, so she must be out of those, too. Doesn't look like she's hurt, but she lost Shirou's hat and her outfit's kinda gotten torn up. I'm... trying not to pay too much attention to that last part.

 **⇒ you do that**

Also, the Kawasaki has been pushed over on its side and kinda trampled on a bit. Hope Saber didn't make a safety deposit. And then there's me... trapped on the sidelines.

As the playlist switches to the 's, a harsh squeal comes out of the speakers. I grimace and adjust some knobs on the sound board. The noise fades. I look over at Iiyo. "I was worried about this. We're getting harmonic resonance from the broken subwoofer. See that green cord over there?" I point to a thin audio cable over by the edge of the booth. "Go pull it out, okay? _Don't_ cut it, pull it out. Got it?"

Iiyo seems to have relaxed a little since I didn't try to run off earlier - he's stowed both wrist blades, for one thing. Still, this may be pushing our working relationship a bit too far. He crosses his arms and gives me a look.

"Look, I need to stay here, okay? We're close to a core overload as is." I make another few small changes on the sound board. "Anyway, you'll still be between me and the exit, won't you?"

He shifts back and forth on his feet reluctantly. As I suspected, though, ancient Sumerian warrior spirits really aren't up to date on the latest technobabble. He clanks over to the edge of the booth and bends down to get the green cable.

I hit the switch.

Which sends current down the broken amp's power cord. Which I shredded and rigged to the overhead line. Which I reeled in and wrapped around the steel utility pole, under the auspices of _'tidying things up.'_

Aluminum wire coiled around a steel pole plus current equals electromagnet.

Which actually wouldn't be much of a problem for Iiyo, since he seems to be made mostly out of bronze or brass or gold or whatever, all of which I'm pretty sure aren't magnetic. But those wrist blades of his can rust. That means they're made out of iron.

Iiyo's wrist gets pulled straight to the pole, just in front of the coiled-up power line. _Clink._

 **⇒ ...**  
 **⇒ ...**  
 **⇒ ... dude**

He immediately realizes what's going on and pops his other wrist blade. But that just puts it into the electromagnet's range, so it goes straight to the pole as well. Both arms now stuck, he twists his head around and glares at me over his shoulder, a furious glint in his rubies.

I grin. "Sorry, man. Nothing personal."

I crawl underneath the table next to me and out of the DJ booth.

 **⇒ okay so now that**  
 **⇒ that was impressive as fuck**

It kinda was, wasn't it? Too bad I have _absolutely_ no idea what I'm gonna do now!

I come out from underneath the table amid a pile of scrapped golems, most of which are in the process of putting themselves back together. They're busy, though, so they don't seem to notice me. Battle on the dance floor's to my right. VIP section is in front of me. So I'm going that way, I guess?

 **⇒ this seems less than wise**

Oh, completely. If you can think of another option, let me know. In the meantime, I crawl across the pile of dented brass and shorn-off metal limbs. My hand bumps into something. I glance over to see a bronze dagger lying on the floor.

 **⇒ pick up potentially useful object**

It's no wrench or crowbar, but it's better than nothing. I grab the knife and keep going.

I get out of the scrap pile and to the edge of the VIP section. Okay, _now_ I can try and think. Can I create some kind of distraction in the back of the club? Maybe draw some of the golems off the dance floor... then get back to the booth and kill the lights? That _could_ work, I guess. I creep under the railing and behind a chair...

Then I hear Gilgamesh snort. " _Really,_ little mongrel?" I look up to see him smirking down at me from his high table. Shit.

 **⇒ so close**

"I see you finally manage to outwit my collection's resident embarrassment." He motions towards Iiyo. The golem's actually dislodged the metal pole from the speaker tower and dragged it with him halfway across the booth. Pretty impressive. Iiyo notices the eyes of the boss on him and immediately falls to his knees. "No great feat, that. I wouldn't feel too proud of yourself. We'll discuss your punishment later, wretch!"

He calls that last bit out towards the DJ booth. Iiyo's head droops. Aw. Now I feel bad.

"Now, as for _you..._ " He stands up. Seems pretty wasted, from the looks of things. I see at least five empty wine bottles sitting out on his table, with a sixth half empty. "You're lucky you came with such interesting company. Otherwise, I might have acted on my threat from last night."

Oh, so he _now_ he remembers me. Yay... I guess...

 **⇒ told you not to complain**

"Tell me, boy... what exactly do you intend to do with that?" He gestures towards the dagger. "Saber _did_ tell you about me, didn't she? I struggled with gods and monsters when the world was young. I tricked the giant Huwawa out of his powers. I crushed the Bull of Heaven's head beneath my axe! And you... you think that _you_ can assassinate _me?_ With what - that _butter knife?_ " He sniggers and shakes his head in disbelief.

I almost try to deny it, but there's no point, is there?

 **⇒ nope**

"Well?" Gilgamesh smirks. "Go on, then, little man. You've come all this way, haven't you? I'll even allow it - you may strike me once. Consider it your payment for services rendered." I eye him. He gestures towards himself. "Well, come on! You've made me curious. It's not every day a mortal has the chance to strike a god. Let's see what strength remains in the blood of man, shall we?"

... I'm totally fucked here, aren't I.

 **⇒ looks like**

In the background, the playlist switches to the Black Mages' cover of the Final Fantasy battle theme. Last track.

I take a deep breath. I stand up. I square my shoulders.

I cross the three or four paces between me and him.

Then I reach out with my _free_ hand and poke him in the nose with a finger. "Boop," I say, completely deadpan.

Incidentally, I forgot my gloves back in the DJ booth.

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ download complete**

 _"Right this way, Mr. Al-Samawah." The guard opens the door for me. I choose to ignore the slight of not being addressed by my proper title - it's not as if the mongrel is worthy of knowing it, after all, much less speaking it - and walk into the Hong Kong penthouse._

 _The interior of the room is devoid of furnishings, save for a passable view of the city through the windows, a single linen-clad table, and a generic thirtysomething in a business suit. He bows as I enter. "Your Highness," the flunky - I forget his name, Anders, Ableton, something starting with an A - says. "I trust the flight was to your liking?"_

 _"Spare me the pleasantries, slave," I say. "Show me what you have."_

 _"Of course." The varlet - officially representing the firm of Marshall, Carter and Dark - unlocks the case sitting on the table. "It took us some time to secure an item meeting your specifications. However, I think you will be pleased."_

 _"We'll see." I look into the case to see a curved dagger, cushioned in silk. "What am I looking at?"_

 _"The Witch-Knife of Asenath," the flunky says. "An artifact of the Waite family, forged in 1933. First sold at auction in 1937. Remained in private hands until we acquired it six years ago. Our tests indicate that it should be effective on... persons of your nature."_

 _I pick up the knife and heft it. Inferior make and balance, of course. But what else would you expect from this pathetic era? "For how long?"_

 _"Depending on the power of the spirit and the strength of the host involved, anywhere from three days to a month."_

 _"How do I use it?" I ask._

 _He shrugs. "Merely stab the knife into the recipient. The transfer should be -"_

 _To his credit, the slave doesn't make a sound as I plunge the blade into his gut. There's a feeling of disjunction, of wrongness. And then -_

 _And then I am staring at my own face through the slave's eyes. I pull the knife out of my gut as my empty vessel immediately starts to dissolve into its base components._

 _I lift the slave's -_ my _\- hand, and flex the fingers. Not bad. I can feel the body start to burn, straining to contain my essence... but I think that it will indeed last as long as the varlet suggested. Long enough for me to procure a more suitable replacement, in any case._

 _"Is it to your liking, sir?" Another slave - identical to Anders or whatever his name was - inquires calmly as he enters the chamber. Interesting. I wonder if these varlets are constructs of some kind, manufactured for this specific task, or if the firm simply hires twins when possible. Either seems just as likely._

 _"It is... sufficient." I glance down with distaste at the pile of steaming mud my body has dissolved into. How abhorrent that I should be lowered to inhabiting such dross. Still, if I must choose between what the Grail shits and this degenerate cross-breed... "I can return, yes?"_

 _"Of course."_

 _I stab the knife into the mud. Another disjunction; with my spirit once more in residence, my body immediately regains its former perfection. I stand up as the abandoned corpse crashes to the floor._

 _"Tell your masters I am content," I say. "Payment in full will be transferred to their accounts by morning." I wave my hand. A pile of gold and precious jewels, easily five times the weight of a man, appears on the table next to the case. "Here. Recompense for your damaged property."_

 _"Your Majesty is too kind." The second name-starts-with-A bows. I must admit to being somewhat impressed in spite of myself. The firm remains every bit as professional as they were when I first encountered them in Uruk. Such consistency is rare, especially in these times. "Shall I wrap it up for you, then?"_

 _"No need." Taking up the knife, I open the gate and plunge it into the storehouse. On the same shelf as the potion of Utnapishtim, I should think, next to the Spice Girls albums. "As you can see, delivery is already complete..."_

* * *

ZZRRRP

I come out of the memory to a world in slow motion. A spurt of blood hangs in the air. My hand tumbles slowly in front of me. It's... um...

It's not connected to my arm anymore.

 **⇒ jesus**

Time speeds up. My knees give way. I collapse to the ground.

"Enough." Gilgamesh stares down at me, a cold fury in his eyes. He holds the bronze dagger in his hand, now covered in blood. Um. You know. _My_ blood. "I tire of this game."

(Could he sense the memory hack, the way Kotomine did? Or is he just pissed that I laid my inferior finger on his superior face? Maybe he just thinks I was making fun of him or something. I mean, I guess maybe I _was,_ just a little...)

 **⇒ just try to stay calm**

You know, it doesn't hurt as much as I would've expected? Just feels kinda... warm and numb. Wow. I'm losing a lot of blood, aren't I? Wonder if I should do something about that... oh, hey. There's a skylight in the ceiling above me. Sweet, didn't even notice that before...

I hear Saber call my name. I turn my head slightly and see her rush past Kitten towards me. Aw, that's nice of her. She takes three steps before a pike appears in a bronze flash just a centimeter or two from her stomach and runs her through, right beneath her chestplate. She falls to her knees, clutching her gut.

Gilgamesh shouts a command in a different language. The golems all abruptly stop fighting and step back to the edge of the dance floor, leaving the Masters and Saber out in the open. "This was amusing for a time," he snaps. "But I find my patience has been tested enough for one night."

Two dozen bronze portals appear above his head, each one loaded with a nasty-looking sword or spear, as if they're blade cannons or something. At least two seem to be angled down at me. Shirou and Rin stare upwards, their eyes wide. Yeesh... overkill much, dude?...

 **⇒ kinda seems to be his thing**

... there really is just no countering this guy, is there? The moment he decides to stop fucking around, boom, we're done. Rocks fall, everyone dies. No defense he can't get past, no attack he can't parry somehow -

I hear glass shatter.

"Aw, that's too bad." Archer lands on Gilgamesh's table, knives in hand, his red cloak billowing around him. "See... _my_ night's just getting started."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _I have no idea if Tom's improvised electromagnet could actually work. If someone else wants to do the math, please feel free. Let's assume the utility pole is a meter in diameter and the overhead line's a medium-voltage ACSR._

 _So can I talk about Iiyo for a second? Because oh man did I put way too much thought/time/research into this tiny little inconsequential detail which might never come up again! First, his "name" is actually 74. It's_ written _as 114, though, because Sumerian mathematics used a base 60 system. (Ever wonder why there's 60 minutes in an hour? That's basically why.) Second, "Iiyo" itself is a bit of Japanese wordplay. One way to pronounce the numerals 1-1-4 is_ i-i-yo _(pronounced 'ee-yo'), which is also a casual way of stating agreement, along the lines of "sure, fine" or "that's cool." Which seems like the sort of thing Tom might dub an ancient magitek warrior-slave holding him captive at knifepoint._

 _Anyway, I'm just happy I finally got around to introducing a moe character. About time, right?_

 _So how could Saber possibly have convinced a responsible motorcycle dealer to let her take an expensive bike on a test drive of indeterminate length alone? In a word: Charisma. Somewhere in this loop, I figure, there's a Kawasaki salesman who's wholeheartedly decided to quit smoking, start paying his child support, and to give his life in a heartbeat for that blonde woman who came in and spoke with him earlier that day, should she ever ask it of him. But alas, his story must remain unexplored._

 _Edit: Full points to Kuratius for pointing out that I misremembered how solenoid-style electromagnets work. Text has been updated to accurately reflect how the physics work (I hope?). While I'm giving credit where it's due, as many commenters have mentioned, the firm of Marshall, Carver and Dark comes from the SCP Foundation canon. The Waite family is from "The Thing on the Doorstep" by H.P. Lovecraft. And - why not - the lyrics to "Stuck In The Middle With You" were written by Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty._


	27. II:13

Fate/first order derivative  
Part II.13

 **⇒ continue: iteration 28, day 7, night**

"Finally!" Rin erupts. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Watching out for Saber. As per _your_ orders, _Master._ " Archer flicks his thumb at the other Servant. "By the way - Saber's here."

Rin's verbal response can't really be characterized as words. She gets the overall message across, though, by flipping him off at the end. You know, I'm kinda getting the sense there's been a breakdown in their working relationship...

"But enough of that." Archer stands up straight and points his knife at Gilgamesh. "Last time I checked, it's seven Servants per Grail War, not seven and a hanger-on."

"Oh?" Gilgamesh narrows his eyes. "Do I offend your pride, mongrel?"

"Seems to me there's only room for one Archer in this town." The man in the red coat cracks his neck. "Settling that seems interesting enough. Trust me. I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"... bullshit," I croak from the floor.

 **⇒ talking right now's not the best idea here dude**

Eh, blame the blood loss. Besides, snarking with my dying breath... feels kinda right, y'know? Feels like me. Heh... cross _that_ one off the bucket list, I guess...

 **⇒ ...**  
 **⇒ i have never been prouder of you than i am at this moment**

"Ex- _fucking_ -cuse you?!" Archer raises an eyebrow.

"You... couldn't resist the whole Batman warehouse entrance... could you?" I cough. Feelin' pretty lightheaded now. "I fuckin' _saw_ that cape action, dude..."

Archer sighs and glances at Gilgamesh. "One second." He jumps down off the table, puts his hand on my... well... stump, and - OW FUCK AAAAGHHHGHGH HURTS FUCKING HURTS SHIT FUCK GUHUHUHUHUH -

 **⇒ oooh**

"Saber - catch." Archer picks me up off the floor and lobs me through the air like a sack of potatoes. Saber somehow manages to snag me out of the air with both arms, in spite of her own injuries. I can feel my back pressing down on the pike that's sticking out of her gut.

Archer takes out his knife again and turns back to Gilgamesh. "Anyway - where were we?"

"I believe you were about to challenge me." Gilgamesh sneers down at him. Wait - now _he's_ standing on top of the table. Oh, God. It actually bothered him that Archer was higher up than him, doesn't it? How petty can this guy get? "Do you honestly think you have what it takes, cur?"

"Let's find out," Archer says. " _I am the bone of my sword._ "

The wind inside the room picks up. Azure energy swirls around him.

Wait. Did he just say the _bone_ of his sword? That makes no sense.

 **⇒ it's poetry**  
 **⇒ it doesn't have to make sense as long as it sounds cool**

Yeah, well, still... why not _blade of my sword?_ Swords don't have bones. That's just confusing, you know?

 **⇒ bluh**  
 **⇒ you are such an engineer**

He's saying some other stuff now too... some bit about death and life. Energy keeps building. Lightning flashes around him. " _Have withstood pain to create many weapons._ " Okay, one, emo much? Two, that's just repetitive. He already said that he's made tons of swords. We get it, dude. You're hardcore into blacksmithing. You're smithcore.

 **⇒ give it a rest will you**

" _So as I pray..._ " Archer raises his arm towards Gilgamesh, blade in hand. " _Unlimited Blade Works!_ "

And with that, the two of them vanish. Poof. Gone. No more blue energy. A second or two passes. One of the golems awkwardly shifts its feet.

 **⇒ enough about that**  
 **⇒ what's happening with you**

Oh, Saber set me down on the floor. She's holding her hand over me, there's this weird light coming from it... guess this is what her version of _lay on hands_ looks like. My arm...

Huh... arm's not bleeding anymore. Guess that was Archer?... think he might've healed up the stump before he threw me to Saber. Oh, fuck, that feels so weird. And here I thought I had it bad with the tooth...

"That son of a bitch," Rin fumes. She comes to us and starts checking me over. Huh. Two beautiful women fussing over me... that's a new one. High point of my life, probably. "I _knew_ he was holding out on me. Fucking _called it._ "

"Called what?" Shirou asks. He plops down next to us wearily, still bleeding all over the place. Guy just has to keep making it look easy, doesn't he?

Anyway, I guess whatever command Gilgamesh gave to the golems earlier is keeping them off our backs for the moment. They're just standing there, silently, weapons in hand. Watching us. Wonder what they'd do if we tried to leave. Not like we're in any state to do so right now, of course.

"Archer's got a Reality Marble." Rin harrumphs. "But he's all _nooooo,_ that's just crazy talk, Rin. Stop being so crazy. Gaslighting prick..."

"If you don't mind," Saber says in a strangled tone. "Would one of you mind telling me... is _this_... sticking out of my back?" She gestures towards the pike.

"Oh, uh..." Rin looks. "Yeah. It's... definitely doing that."

"What does the spearhead look like?"

Rin tilts her head. "Um... pointy? Sharp? And there's this kind of barb thing at the end..."

"Which way... is the barb curved? Towards the point or towards my back?"

"Your back."

Saber nods. "That's what I thought..." She takes a deep breath.

Shirou catches on. He reaches out for her. "Saber, wait -"

Too late. Saber grabs the pike and, with a grunt, pushes the shaft the rest of the way through her own stomach.

"Jesus Christ!" Rin stumbles back onto her hands, her eyes wide.

Saber swallows. "Pull... pull th'..."

Shirou rushes over and pulls the spear the rest of the way out of Saber's back. The sound is... um. Interesting.

 **⇒ speaking of sounds**  
 **⇒ you've been pretty quiet this whole time**

Yeah, I... um... don't think I can talk. Or move at all, really. Kinda amazed I'm still conscious, honestly.

 **⇒ you've lost a lot of blood**  
 **⇒ hang in there okay**

Don't really have much choice, right? But anyway. Saber doubles over as Rin goes back to her side. "'m fine," she mumbles. "I'll be fine. Just... give me a moment..." I can see a blue glow beneath her hands as she clutches the wound.

She's barely made a sound this entire time. Christ. What a badass.

 **⇒ don't go comparing yourself to her**

No worries about that. Still... just a little reminder I'm hanging out with genuine superhumans these days, you know?

Saber stares out into space. "... I'm sorry," she says after a moment. "I didn't mean for things to turn out this way."

"Well, _yeah,_ " Rin snorts. "No doy, Captain Obvious."

"Saber." Shirou tilts his head. "Why did you come here?"

"This was my battle to finish." Saber looks up at the ceiling. "The King of Heroes... he doesn't belong here. The world has changed since his time, but he refuses to acknowledge it. And if he's had _ten years_ to work here... all because I couldn't finish him when I had the chance..." One of her hands curls into a fist.

"But don't you remember?" Shirou shifts a little closer. "We promised each other last week, didn't we? Your battles are my battles. From now until the end. Doesn't matter if it started before we met."

Saber opens her mouth, then closes it.

"Oh my God..." Rin groans and hides her face. "You two are _so_ corny..."

"Shirou..." Saber hesitates. "There's... something you should know..."

There's a flash of lightning. Archer gets tossed back onto the dance floor, where he lands with a groan. He has a sizeable longsword stuck in his shoulder.

"Interesting." Gilgamesh stands in the VIP section, breathing hard. He actually looks kinda banged up. A bunch of cuts and bruises on his face, some flesh wounds on his arms. Whatever Archer just did, it's the first thing I've seen deal any damage to this joker. "Not bad... for a faker. But you lack conviction. In the end, you're just a cheap knockoff like all the rest."

"Yeah..." Archer looks back towards the group. "That... kinda would've been a _great_ time to run away, guys..."

"Now... where were we?" Gilgamesh raises his hand...

... and nothing happens.

Gilgamesh blinks. He snaps his fingers. Still nothing. I see two of the golems exchange a confused glance.

"Oh, dear," a new voice purrs. "Performance issues, King of Heroes?"

I hear the sound of heels clicking across the dance floor. Huh. It's Lavender Woman.

"Caster," Saber says. Her face suggests that this is the opposite of a good thing.

 **⇒ enter the witch**

The woman smirks. Her dress changes colors to a deeper shade of purple. A large cloak materializes around her. Her features shift slightly, including...

... okay, hold up. Are those fucking _elf ears?_

"I should thank you all for a most entertaining night." Caster drains the rest of the martini glass in her hand and tosses it aside. She sidesteps Saber's abandoned bike and stands in the middle of the dance floor. "Especially you, Archer. That parlor trick of yours bought me just enough time to set up a Bounded Field even the famed Gate of Babylon can't pierce."

On cue, a number of glowing purple seals appear on the ceiling and the walls. Some kind of force field shimmers over the breach next to the DJ booth.

Gilgamesh looks at Caster like she's something he scraped off his shoe. "Impudent witch," he growls.

"Sticks and stones, son of Ninsun." Caster's lips twist into a jeering grimace. "Well? Go on. Set your little tin soldiers on me."

He sneers and barks a single word. All at once, the golems charge her from all sides. Like a solid wall of metal -

She lifts her finger. "Stop."

The golems freeze in place. Every single one. Kitten - who nearly made it within arm's reach of Caster - quivers a little, but otherwise doesn't move.

Caster laughs. "Didn't anyone tell you? I ran into one of these... _items_ a very long time ago." She runs a finger beneath Kitten's jaw. "Quite vulnerable to charms and enchantments, aren't they? No matter how resilient the soul used."

Gilgamesh just grinds his teeth and seeths. He looks genuinely stumped. Okay, I know we're kinda boned here, but this is still the best thing I've seen all day. Which is saying something.

 **⇒ can't argue with that**

"Now, I must admit I'm quite curious as to how you obtained that physical form of yours," Caster says. "But as you don't seem to be in much of a mood to reveal that secret... I'll just have to learn what I can from your corpse." She mockingly curtsies. "I thank you again for your hospitality... little king."

In a single motion, Gilgamesh seizes a spear out of the hand of a nearby golem and hurls it at her. She vanishes into thin air before it reaches her with a laugh. I feel a sudden rush of air over my face and shift my eyes. Caster's behind Saber now, her arms wrapped around her. The swordswoman opens her mouth in surprise. But before she can react, Caster's cloak envelops them both. They disappear.

In their place hangs a large tangle of purple energy, crackling with energy. Ooh. That doesn't look good.

Gilgamesh snatches a half-empty wine bottle off of his table and sullenly chugs it. Archer just closes his eyes. "Oh, balls," Rin mumbles. She leaps at Shirou and hugs him, much to his shock.

The tangle shrinks to a point, then explodes.

* * *

 **⇒ restart: iteration 29, day 1, early night**

...

... hand's back. Same for the tooth. Both feel weird, though. The hand's all itchy, in a way that doesn't seem to have anything to do with the actual skin. Can you get phantom limb syndrome when you're not actually missing the limb? Is that a thing?

 **⇒ idk**

Anyway. So... that sucked. Let's not do any of _that_ again.

 **⇒ deal**

I hold my hand up to my face and study it under the bedroom light. So that's Caster, huh? Yet another gorgeous psychopath. Just what the situation really needs. And somehow she knows a way to counter Tracksuit Bro. Then there's Archer's thing. Not to mention that memory I got out of Gilgamesh's head. The questions just seem to keep on piling up, don't they?

 **⇒ that's usually what they do**

True. So... what's next?

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _I know that Saber's Magic Resistance should technically keep Caster from teleporting her. Chalk it up to a mix of Saber's exhaustion and her being caught by surprise. Likewise, Caster doesn't officially have a skill that would let her hide her presence from other Servants. Given how often she seems to sneak up on the main characters in canon, though, her having some kind of magic that allows her to cloak herself/disguise herself as a normal human doesn't seem unreasonable._

 _We've hit a point in the narrative where I'm not one hundred percent sure what comes next. So for the first time, I'm going to hold an actual vote on what direction the story should go. As I see it, there are three possible routes Tom could logically take from here. (On top of obvious stuff like talking more to Saber and confronting Archer, which will happen regardless of what choice you make.) They are:_

 _A) Caster_  
 _B) Sakura/Rider_  
 _C) Animuspheres (again)_

 _Leave your vote in the reviews. Or, if you have a Sufficient Velocity account, you can head over to the thread there and vote in the poll I just put up. It'll be open for the next ten days, up through June 4th._


	28. III:1

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.1

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 4, early night**

"Good evening, Master of Saber." Caster appears in a flurry of purple butterflies. She floats above the courtyard of Ryuudo Temple, her cloak spread wide like a pair of bat wings. "How kind of you to respond to my summons at this late hour. I'll try not to take up too much of your time... or of your life.

"Nothing to say? That's a pity. I do enjoy it when my prey struggles. Now - give up your Mana Circuits to me, and..."

She pauses and narrows her eyes. "... and you're not a Master, are you."

"Yeah, not so much." I sigh and drop the disguise gem. I'd told Rin there's no way I'd be able to pass myself off as Shirou for long. Still, I guess it at least got me through the front door. "Sorry."

 **⇒ why are you apologizing**

I'm Japanese. Apologizing is my default reaction to everything.

"Tsch." Caster sneers and crooks a finger. All at once, I'm wrapped up tight in a cocoon of invisible threads, my arms bound at my sides. Yeah. Kinda figured that's how she'd react.

"So, obviously, if you're here, the _real_ Master must have spotted my little trap." She alights on the ground, her cloak folding in around her. "I imagine he and Saber must be on their way up here now. Probably with that little harridan and her Archer in tow."

"Something like that."

She growls and snaps her fingers. A squad of skeleton-looking things - only with these big mouths like lampreys instead of skulls - rise out of the ground. "Reinforce the main gate." They go tromping off.

She turns back to me. "And I doubt they told you anything about their offensive plans, since they assumed I would be capable of extracting that information from you."

"Bingo."

"Barely any mana or Magic Circuits to speak of." Caster glares at me like I'm something unpleasant she just scraped off her shoe. "What an insult. You're not even worth draining." A nasty-looking ring of glyphs materializes above her head, angled down straight at me.

"Hey, woah, wait! Wait!" I'd raise my hands, but... y'know. "I know how this looks, but believe it or not... they sent me ahead as a _messenger._ "

She snorts. "Is that what they told you to make you come up here? I hate to break it to you, boy, but your masters must not put a very high value on your life."

"Okay, one, I prefer the term _clients,_ thanks," I say. Though that doesn't really take the sting of truth out of her words. I still can't believe I let Rin talk me into this. "And two, I'm serious. They really do want to talk. Specifically, they want to know if you're open to the possibility of an alliance."

Caster pauses. The glowing circle of death vanishes. "... I'm listening."

"First things first." I wriggle a little inside of my invisible bonds. Dammit. Why would anyone make magic threads that _chafe?_ "All the coma cases and mana draining going on down in the city. Is that you?"

"No, the life force of an entire population just _happens_ to be flowing directly into my fortress." I can't see her eyes beneath the hood right now, but I get the distinct impression that she's rolling them. "What do _you_ think?"

"Hey, I just wanted to confirm." I hesitate. "Could you... y'know... _not_ do that?"

She looks at me and starts laughing.

I just kind of... hang there, awkwardly. Fuck. I hate it when this happens, you know? When I say something funny seriously and everyone starts laughing and I have no idea why. It seems to keep happening, too.

 **⇒ that's because you don't think things through before you say them, dumbass**

Gee, thanks, Weird Voice Inside My Head That Probably Means I'm Crazy Or Something™! You always know exactly how to make me feel better.

 **⇒ not my job dude**

That would imply you _have_ a job, apart from being a pain in my ass.

 **⇒ heh**  
 **⇒ phrasing**

Don't you start.

Anyway, Caster pretends to wipe a tear from her face. "You must be joking."

"Some of us actually live here, okay?" I say irritably. "It's a valid concern."

"They didn't tell you very much at all, did they?" She sits down. Not on the ground - in mid-air, as if on an invisible chair. Which I have to admit is pretty impressive. "The Caster class is the physically weakest of the Servants. We must rely on our guile and wits to survive, not brute strength."

"Don't you have those bone puppet things as muscle?" I nod my head in the direction the skeleton crew went.

"Those? Barely more than a distraction, as far as the others are concerned." Caster crosses her legs. "So... why should I give up _any_ advantage I have in this war? What are your masters willing to offer me in return?"

Oof. Tough question. "Uh, well... what do you need?" I ask.

"Hmm." She tilts her head. "Well, just for starters... I want Berserker eliminated. Completely."

"Not fond of the neighbors, huh?" Unless I'm mistaken, the von Einzbern place is just east of here.

"That's... putting it lightly." She scowls. "In terms of this game's structure, the Berserker class is the natural counterweight to my own. I consider him the highest threat to my Master and myself."

I blink. "So why set up shop right next to him?"

"Isn't it obvious? This is the point that mana in this area naturally flows to. Moreover, the Anti-Servant Field around the temple ensures I only need guard one direction."

"Huh." I furrow my brow. "Does that work on the thing in the lake, too?"

She tilts her head. "... what are you talking about?"

"You don't know about that?" How could she not know about that? It's practically in her backyard. She has to be lying, right?

 **⇒ meh**

Something explodes in the distance. "It seems that your 'clients' have arrived." Caster uncrosses her legs and stands up. "You can tell them that if they're serious about their offer, they'll take you and leave. _Immediately._ Any delay will be interpreted as a hostile act."

"Okay, sure, but... I was serious about the whole mana situation," I say. "That's kinda a non-starter for my people, you know? The whole stealing-innocent-souls thing."

"Oh, please." She snorts. "Spare me your lectures. I know how these so-called mages think. They care even less for the lives of the rabble than I do. As it stands, the people of this town are mine, to do with as I please. If you want them set free, be prepared to offer me something of equal value."

"Uh... huh." I narrow my eyes. Well, isn't _that_ charming.

"I must admit, this was more amusing than I would have expected." Caster gives me the barest hint of a smile. "Until we meet again, messenger boy. Provided your masters don't throw your life away on some other matter before then, of course."

She vanishes into a cloud of butterflies, leaving me strung up in her web. Okay, _rude._

 **⇒ could be worse tho**

Never said it couldn't.

"Tom!" Shirou barks. I hear footsteps rushing up behind me.

"Yeah, so we need to leave _now,_ " I say by way of greeting. The fibers around my neck get cut. Finally able to turn my head, I glance over to see Archer cutting me down with his knives, Rin and Shirou standing behind him. "Where's Saber?"

"We ran into some trouble at the gate." Archer slices idly at the air twice more. "She stayed back to handle things while we went ahead."

"Where's Caster?" Rin demands.

"She was here." I rub my wrists as I step free of the bindings. "Conversation was, um, interesting. I'll tell you when we get back to aww dickweasels." She drained me anyway, didn't she, just to slow them down. My legs collapse and I tip forward. I pass out before I even get to see if anyone bothers to catch me.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _And we're back at last. Sorry for the wait. Took me a while to figure out where I wanted to go with this._

 _Not one hundred percent sure why, but for some reason, this felt like a good point to both start a new part and restate the premise of the story. I'm hoping to make this a good jumping-on point for new readers, should there be any to find out there._


	29. III:2

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.2

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 4, late night**

"... and t-that was it," I say. Fuck. Can't stop my hands from shaking. I'm wrapped in blankets with a cup of hot tea in my hand, but I still feel like I'm freezing to death. Guess I'm getting off light, though, considering I just had part of my frigging _soul_ sucked out or some shit. "So yeah. Gonna be honest here. I'm not exactly getting a super-trustworthy vibe from her."

"You think?" Shirou raises an eyebrow. I'm sitting with him and the other usual suspects in Rin's living room.

"Yeah, okay, I know. What I'm trying to say is, I think she's gonna try to play us." I clear my throat. "She came pretty close to straight-out admitting it. If we did ally with her, she'd probably wind up using us to her own ends. And it'd only be a matter of time before she knifed us in the back anyway. That's not even mentioning, y'know. All the evil."

"Lie down with vipers, expect to get bit," Saber mutters.

"Doy." Rin tosses her head. "That's because alliances between Masters are dumb."

Shirou rolls his eyes. "Thanks. That really fills me with confidence."

"It's true, though! It's just the way Grail wars are set up. Everyone's going to have to duel each other to the death eventually, so any alliance is doomed from the start. The whole thing inevitably devolves into a mind game to see who can stab who in the back first."

"I'd ask where honor factors into your worldview, but I suspect I already know the answer," Saber observes dryly.

"Can it, Brunhilda," Rin snaps. "I've always been up front about this thing being temporary. We'd be enemies right now if it wasn't for... certain _circumstances._ " She shoots me a look.

I just sip my tea. It's cute that Rin still feels the need to pretend that. Mind you, I've learned not to call her on it this early in the week. She gets all huffy.

 **⇒ how're the chills by the way**

Getting there. Tea's helping. According to Rin, I should be back to feeling normal after a good night's sleep...

... just in time to get mana-drained _again_ tomorrow morning at school. Dickweasels.

 **⇒ you seem to like that word**

Just trying it out on a provisional basis. See, I heard someone use the word _'nutbunnies'_ the other day on TV? And that got me wondering what obscenity it was intended to cover up, so...

 **⇒ i get it**

Yeah. Kinda reverse-engineered the obscene form. Obscengineered, one might say.

 **⇒ shouldn't that be 'dickrabbits' then**

Weasels sound funnier.

 **⇒ true**

Also more painful, come to think of it. Probably not a coincidence.

" _Anyway._ Getting back to Caster." Shirou shakes his head. "It almost doesn't matter if we can't trust her, though, does it? We don't have a choice. If she's the only one who can shut down this Gilgamesh guy..."

 **⇒ oh yeah how'd they take that bit of news**

See for yourself. And _rewind -_

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 29, day 1, early night**

I walk into Shirou's kitchen-slash-dining-room on the first night. "Rin," I say professionally. "Saber."

Both of them stare at me. "Who the fuck are you?" Rin asks.

"Hold that thought," I say, glancing at the clock. "Three - two - one..."

A couple of seconds later, the tea kettle whistles. Feh. Still don't have the timing quite right. I go into the kitchenette area and turn off Emiya's stove. Shirou himself wanders into the room, looking profoundly lost. I grab the kettle and a spare cup from the drying rack, then pad over to the table.

All eyes in the room on me, I sit down and pour myself tea. Pause for deep breath. Here we go. "Okay," I say. "So.

"My name is Tomasu Tomonaga. Just call me Tom, it saves time. Also, yes, Rin, as in Shin Tomonaga. I know you knew him." Tohsaka blinks. "I'm his nephew. _Was_ his nephew. You know what I mean.

"Anyway. so Saber - remember, like, an hour ago when you were fighting Lancer? He launched that big casualty-altering attack of his at you, which you somehow survived despite it literally _rewriting time itself?_ "

Saber's mouth works up and down silently for a second. "... yes?"

"At that exact moment, down the street from here, I was playing around with this equipment I inherited from my deceased uncle Shin. Who - it turns out - was a scientist with a side interest in magic. Knew Rin's dad somehow." I stir the tea. "Anyway, _something_ weird happened. And ever since then, I've been stuck repeating the next thirteen days over and over again. Whenever I die or whatever, I get sent straight back to the moment of the accident."

"As in a time loop." Rin raises an eyebrow incredulously.

"Bingo. Bill Murray style," I say. "That's how I know about the Grail War. That's how I know all of you slash stuff about you. And that's why I'm calling you by first name. You both gave me permission a bunch of loops ago, and I'm tired of asking."

Saber narrows her eyes. "What sort of... _stuff,_ exactly?"

I sip the tea. Okay, good, it's cool enough. Last time, I forgot what I was doing and scalded my tongue. Hate when that happens. "Well... Shirou was in the Great Fuyuki Fire. Rin is Sakura Matou's biological sister." Rin's eyes go wide. Shirou's jaw drops as he glances at her. "And Saber, you fought in the Fourth Grail War ten years ago. Speaking of which - remember Gilgamesh? He survived your last fight. Been hanging around town ever since."

" _What?_ " Saber bolts upright.

"More on _that_ situation in a second." There was one other thing, wasn't there? Something else I wanted to add this time. What was it?... oh, right. Duh. "And Archer has something called a Reality Marble he doesn't want Rin to know about," I finish.

"I _knew it!_ " Rin leaps to her feet and points an accusatory finger up at the ceiling. "You _son of a bitch!_ "

"That's a lie!" her Servant shouts loudly from the roof. He always insists on staying out there. Kind of like that one friend who thinks he's too cool to be seen with you at lunch.

I raise my voice. "That really how you want to play this, Mr. _'bone of my sword'_?"

There's a brief pause. " _Fuck!_ "

I can't help but smirk a bit. I've recently discovered Archer's a lot of fun to rile up. Yeah, sure, he could easily kill me at any moment. It's kinda like bullfighting, I guess, except the bull has a red trenchcoat and a Final Fantasy-esque haircut.

"Okay. Not saying that I'm buying all of this..." Shirou rubs his eyes. "But even if it's true... why are you _here,_ telling us all this? Why us? What's in it for you?"

"Glad you asked." I take another sip. "You know how I said I've been repeating the same thirteen days? And I reset when I die?"

"Yeah?"

"Not a coincidence. I keep dying every thirteen days because _everyone_ does." If I even make it that far, anyway. "Every loop I've been through, every single time - it closes with the end of the world two weeks from now."

"What?" Rin smirks. "You're kidding, right? You can't possibly expect us to believe -"

"Yes, I can. Because _I'm not joking._ " I look Shirou straight in the eye. He's usually the key. If I convince him, Rin and Saber eventually come around. "I've seen it, okay? Over and over. Like the great fire, but _everywhere._ Even the ocean doesn't stop it. The government can't do anything. Earthquakes all over the place. Satellites and planes just falling out of the sky for no reason..." Emiya swallows.

I look towards the other two. "And it all starts _here,_ okay? In Fuyuki. So everything you're doing right now - the whole Grail-War-Murder-Death-Kill thing? That needs to go on pause. Because if we don't figure this out somehow, we're all dead. _Again._ "

The room goes silent. That part of the conversation never seems to get any easier. I look down into my teacup and take another deep breath. "Okay. So... specifics. Let me tell you about how I got my hand chopped off last time..."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**  
 **⇒ (past a whole lot of recapping)**

Saber folds her arms skeptically. "And you say _Caster_ managed to block the Gate of Babylon?"

I shrug. "That's what I saw."

"Hm." Saber sits back.

"Wait." Rin rubs her head. "Go back to that part before. This Gilgamesh guy - you said he has a body made of _Grail mud?_ "

"Yep. Same stuff that's all over the place on Night Thirteen."

"And you learned this how again?"

I sigh. That's okay, though. Questions are good. "Okay, from the top... at one point, we figured out that I'm what you call a rando. Meaning I've got a few Magic Circuits, which I guess isn't super uncommon around this area? That's what you told me, anyway."

Rin takes a closer look at me. "Huh. Oh, yeah."

"They're too weak for me to do any real magic, but I've got this touch-telepath mind-meld thing going on," I say. "If I make skin contact with someone, I sometimes grab a few of their memories. Can't really control it yet, though. Which is why I wear these." I hold up my gloved hands and wave.

Rin snickers. I eye her. "What?"

"Your Magic Circuits." Rin pretends to hide a sly grin behind her hand. "They're so _tiny._ It's like looking at an infant's -"

"ANYWAY," I say loudly. "So, like I said, I managed to pull a memory from Blondie McTracksuit. At which point he chopped off my hand. Which sucked, by the way. One star review, can't recommend it."

"A memory of what?" Shirou asks.

"Him shopping, basically," I say. "I can give you more details if you want. Main thing is, he used this magic knife doohickey at one point to transfer himself in and out of a human body. His own shifted back into the mud while he was -"

"He _what?_ " Saber sits up straight.

Rin looks at her. "Is that even possible?"

"Barely." Saber shifts her eyes. "It would utterly destroy the host. Permanent damage within a matter of hours. Death within a week at the most."

"Yeah, that fits." I scratch the side of my head. "There was something in there about the body burning out quickly. He didn't seem to mind that much, though."

"That part, at least, I have no trouble accepting." Saber hesitates. "But to inhabit a container not of divine blood... the King of Heroes has far too much pride to lower himself to such a level. I can't believe he would -"

"What _I_ can't believe is that you're all buying this garbage."

Oh, hey. Archer showed up. I thought for sure he'd be too busy sulking to bother this time. As I look up, he materializes over by the kitchen door, arms crossed.

Rin starts, "Archer -"

"Forgive me, Master," Archer growls. "But entertaining this fantasy any further strikes me not only as a waste of time, but actively dangerous. How can we know for sure that -"

"- that this isn't some kind of elaborate con, perpetuated by one of the other Masters to distract or otherwise lure you into a position of weakness," I finish.

Archer twitches. "Well... yes. Especially since -"

"- there's magecraft that makes it possible to program someone with false memories, _Total Recall_ -style, so that I'd honestly believe the deception myself. Presuming that I wasn't in on the plot to begin with." I sip my tea.

There's a short but pregnant pause. Archer sighs. "Fine. How did you -"

"We've had this conversation like twenty times now, dude," I say. "Trust me. _It's come up before._ "

 **⇒ more like twelve actually**

Hush. I'm not lying, I'm just rounding up. Creatively. "You usually don't say the _Total Recall_ thing, of course," I add. "That's all me."

"Uh-huh." Archer narrows his eyes. "So how, pray tell, do you usually respond?"

I sigh. "Look, man. This thing's all mental time travel. I _can't_ bring back any physical evidence with me. All I have is what's in my head." I pause. "Though this time, I guess I could rattle off the rest of your Goth poem if you want. Constructive criticism only, I promise."

"I dunno." Shirou scratches his head. "I thought that one line you mentioned sounded kinda cool..."

Archer winces. "That aside?"

"That aside," I say, "all you can do is watch and see if my predictions pan out. Starting with Illya and Berserker showing up outside of the church later tonight." I pour myself a new cup. "Otherwise, let me skip ahead to where this talk usually ends. Let's say you're right, okay? And there's someone both powerful _and_ prescient enough to set all of this up. Who somehow knows a bunch of your deepest, darkest secrets that you've never told _anyone._

"If someone like that tells you the world's gonna end in thirteen days... does it seem like a good idea to ignore them?"

The room goes quiet.

Archer coughs. "... I'll be on the roof."

"Yeah, okay." I usually try and let him leave with as much dignity as possible. Especially since all I'm doing is summarizing, like, _hours_ of past arguments here. I didn't even come up with the big finisher I just used. That was all Shirou at one point.

This time, though, I just can't help but throw in one last jab. "Open offer on that poetry critique, though."

"Bite me." Archer flips me off as he vanishes. Fair.

There's a moment of awkward silence. I look at Rin. "So what's a Reality Marble, anyway?"

"Huh? Oh. Um." She shakes her head. "Internal mental construction the caster manifests through magecraft. They can pull stuff in and out of it. Costs a ton of mana. Also, it's _super_ illegal."

I scratch my head. "So... a pocket universe?"

"Something like that."

"Huh." Wonder why it's illegal. Sounds massively useful to me. Definitely saving that bit of info for later. But anyway. "Next item - Saber, you looked kind of worried earlier. What was that about?"

"Hm?" Saber looks up. "Oh. Yes. What you told us about Caster - I find it... concerning."

Good. I figured that was the case. And I was hoping to bring the conversation back around to Caster anyway.

Before we go any further here, though - are we sure this is the direction we want to steer them in this time? We don't want to look into the Matou connection first?

 **⇒ think so**  
 **⇒ it's the logical next step**  
 **⇒ we need a way to deal with gilgamesh, caster seems to have the answer**  
 **⇒ (besides, that's what everyone voted for)**

Huh? Say what? I didn't catch that last bit.

 **⇒ nothing**  
 **⇒ don't worry about it**

"The Gate of Babylon is one of the oldest - if not _the_ oldest - Noble Phantasms on record, driven by long-forgotten magics from the age of gods," Saber says. "To interfere with its operation... she would have to be _extraordinarily_ powerful. Powerful and old, perhaps even on the same level as the ancient divinities..." She thinks for a moment. "What else can you tell us about her?"

"Not a whole lot, I'm afraid." I fold my arms. "Last loop's the first time I've seen her in the flesh. I know that she turns up and meddles when Rider attacks the school on Tuesday. You guys start in on tracking down her Master after that point, but we usually get distracted before you find them. You seemed pretty convinced it was someone at the school, though."

Rin makes a face. "That's not exactly a whole lot to go on. Are you sure there's nothing else?"

I think for a second. "Well... there's definitely something weird going on up at Ryuudo Temple. You told me once all the mana getting drained from the city seems to be flowing that way. Shirou heads in that direction Monday night when he gets hypnotized or whatever. And von Einzbern dropped a hint that there was something going on up there at one point."

 **⇒ you sure she didn't mean the thing in the lake**

Couldn't be. Illya looked way too shocked when Zouken sicced it on us. I don't think she's able to detect it, same as Rin. So it has to be something else.

"Hmm..." Rin puts her tea cup down. I'm not sure I like the look in her eyes. "So... tell me again about what happens Monday night..."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward to: iteration 29, day 4, late night**

And you can fill in the blanks yourself from there. That answer your question?

 **⇒ basically**  
 **⇒ one more thing though**

What's that?

 **⇒ back when you were talking to caster**  
 **⇒ you said something about me being a sign that you're crazy**

Oh, yeah. I didn't mean...

 **⇒ it's fine it's fine**  
 **⇒ i just wanted to make sure we're not going through all that over again**  
 **⇒ cuz you spent all that time worrying about it**  
 **⇒ back when i first showed up**

No, no, you convinced me back then. I buy it. Different brains work in different ways, bicameral theory of consciousness, all of that. Some people see colors instead of hearing sounds. I just happen to have a voice inside my head that gives me advice sometimes. As long as you don't start telling me to... I dunno... randomly stab a bunch of people because Illuminati, I think we're good.

 **⇒ really wish i could promise that**

Besides, it's not like I don't have enough to deal with right now with this whole situation. Let's be honest, being a _little_ crazy might even be a plus here.

 **⇒ so where were we**

I have no idea. Um... so first Shirou was snarking at Tohsaka about the whole alliance thing in a kinda passive-aggressive way. Then Saber weighed in with some point about the ethics of warfare that just added fuel to the fire. So they've all been arguing about game theory in surprisingly complex terms for like ten minutes now, while Archer just rolls his eyes in the background.

 **⇒ so basically the usual**

Yep.

 **⇒ you gonna do something about it**

Hell no. Do I look like the type who can sort out this mess? Nope. We are down the rabbit hole here, my friend. This train is officially off the rails, next stop Crazytown. Just sit back and enjoy the ride before the abrupt stop.

Then salvation comes from an unexpected source. "Weren't you listening?! That's not how a Nash equilibrium works at all - _what,_ Archer?" Rin shoots a glare at her own Servant.

The man in red examines his fingernails. "I was just wondering if any of you beautiful-mind types have realized that Caster already _has_ an alliance."

"Oh. Right." Saber makes a face. "Assassin."

I blink. "Ass-in-the-what-now?"

"The final Servant," Rin says. "He was guarding the gate to Caster's fortress."

"Which suggests their Masters are already working together," Archer intones.

"Holy crap. Seriously?" This is new information to me.

"Yes." Saber rubs her shoulder. On closer inspection, she actually looks pretty banged up. Kinda feel bad I didn't notice before. "A nameless swordsman. He's... formidable."

"Not much of a guard, though," Shirou adds. "Once Saber agreed to duel him, he just let the rest of us walk right past him."

"Well, dang." That changes the equation some. I scratch the back of my head. "So I guess we're looking for _two_ Masters now. Both probably tied to the temple."

"If they both go to the school, the way you said, that narrows things down a lot." Rin furrows her brow. "I still can't think of anyone else other than Mr. Student Council President..."

"It's not Issei," Shirou says firmly.

We all look at him. "Really." Rin arches an eyebrow. "And how do you know that?"

"I checked today at school. He doesn't have any Command Seals."

Rin tilts her head. "You _do_ realize they can appear on other places than the hands, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"So how can you be so sure?"

"I asked him to take his clothes off," Shirou says, as if that was the most natural request in the world.

Saber raises her eyebrows. Rin gapes at him wordlessly, her cheeks flushed. Archer just shakes his head and looks away.

"... okay, moving on," I say hastily. Gonna file that one under _not-my-business._ "Issei's clear. Who else could it be?"

"No idea." Shirou shrugs. "He's the only one listed under the temple's address in the student directory. I looked."

"... great." Another dead end. I stifle a yawn. "Okay. Kinda think I'm done for the night. Can we table things here, or... ?"

"Um... hold on." Rin pulls a book out from behind her. She turns to a marked page and passes it to me. "One more thing. That memory you pulled from Gilgamesh - is this the knife you saw?"

I look at the sketch on the page. The writing around the picture's in German, but there's no mistaking that weird curved shape. "Yeah, that's it."

"I was afraid of that." Rin frowns. "It's an artifact of the Waite family. They were bad news, even among mages."

"That sounds like it's saying something."

"It really is." Rin brushes her hair back. "Things got so bad, the Association hit them with a Sealing Designation. One of their strike teams wiped out the whole family just before the Second World War. What does Gilgamesh want with their old stuff?..."

I don't say this, but I've got an even better question. Because I've seen this thing in one other place. If Gilgamesh bought the knife in that memory I saw... then what the hell was Zouken Matou doing with it tucked inside his bathrobe? And do I really want to know the answer?

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _For the record, I personally like the UBW chant, and I'm sure that writing poetry that works in_ two _languages must have unique challenges I can only begin to imagine. Much like Tom, though, I just can't resist giving Archer crap about it._

 _In case anyone's confused, Tom first saw the Witch-Knife back in Part II.6. It's the dagger he watched Gilgamesh salvage from the wreckage of the Matou house. Kind of impressive he was able to retroactively identify it from a distance, really. Then again, he does seem to have a surprisingly good memory..._


	30. III:3

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.3

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 29, day 5, afternoon**

Okay. Here I am again, in my homeroom, waiting on the red death lightning. My goal this time is to try and stay conscious during the whole mana drain. Got some tips from Shirou and Rin over the weekend. Didn't get much time to practice, but that's fine. That's cool. Gotta run before you can walk... or something.

 **⇒ really don't think that's how running works**

I glance at the clock. Okay, here we go. I close my eyes and brace myself. Just remember, I tell myself. Breathe. Focus on your center. Let the energy naturally flow inwards. _Be_ the rising tide... or something.

Any second now.

Annny second.

...

"Mr. Tomonaga?"

"Eh?" I open my eyes.

Ms. Natsuki looks at me with some concern from the front of the room. "Are you all right?" Someone in the class giggles.

Okay. Mental note, maybe try to take the intensity down a notch. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." I stumble around for an excuse. "Just... uh... focusing. On the problem."

"Well... how about you try to focus with your eyes _open_ from this point on?" That nets her another giggle.

"Oh, sure. Of course."

"Good." She turns back to the chalkboard. I glance outside. Still no red lightning.

Huh.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Okay, seriously, what the hell? I check the chem lab after class. Empty - no sign of Matou being in there at all. Or bloodstains. Lacking any other leads, I head up to the roof.

I find Shirou and Rin up there playing cards. I spread my arms. "What happened?"

"Huh? Oh." Rin glances up at me. "We're not sure. We think Rider might've sensed Archer when she was sneaking in. She got spooked and ran back into the woods."

"... Archer?" I look up. The man in red stands on top of the fence around the roof's edge, a sour expression on his face. As I watch, he pulls out an arrow and launches it towards the forest. I hear a small _boom_ in the distance as the projectile breaks the sound barrier.

"We had Saber waiting downstairs, so she went after her." Rin shrugs. "After I convinced this idiot not to follow her -"

Shirou grumbles something under his breath.

"- we put Archer in position to snipe Rider if she tries to double back towards us. Pay me." Rin tosses down a joker. Shirou sighs and passes her three cards out of his hand. "Guess she has to be _inside_ the building to trigger those sigils of hers."

"... huh." I scratch the back of my head. "Any sign of Caster?"

"Nope."

Well, I guess that part makes a little more sense. Does that mean Caster's actually taking the alliance offer seriously?

 **⇒ or she just wants you to think she is**

That's possible too. Otherwise, though... I don't get it. This all just seems way too easy. What's different this time? Do Rider and Caster normally work together on this attack, and our alliance offer threw all that out the window? - That doesn't make sense either, though. If that's the case, how does Rider end up dead? Unless Caster betrays her in the middle of things for some reason? Buh. C'mon, brain! Work it out already!

 **⇒ forget about caster for a second**  
 **⇒ think less about what's missing**  
 **⇒ more on what's been added**

... come to think of it... whenever Shirou and Rin have given me the after-action report on the usual mess... they've never once mentioned Archer.

I glance up at the man in the red coat. So... does Rin usually start excluding him from stuff this early in the week? And the simple fact we've got two Servants instead of one this time - is that enough to make Shinji throw in the towel?

Guh, but that still just leads back to the same question! Why the hell would Rin suddenly stop using her Servant?! It makes no sense! And it's not like I can just _ask_ her what she might've been thinking in the other loops, because how the hell is she supposed to know. And... and...

The door clicks open. Archer immediately vanishes into thin air. "You three. Why are you here?"

 **⇒ who is it**

Just one of the teachers. Mr. Kuzuki. I have him for Ethics this semester. He's... eh.. how do I put this...

 **⇒ not your favorite, huh**

Let me put it this way. If this was a _Battlestar Galactica_ situation - with, like, perfect replicants or androids infiltrating humanity in order to destroy us from within and such? I'd probably dismiss the possibility of Mr. Kuzuki being a secret skinjob, on account of it seeming just _too damn obvious._

 **⇒ how about we try that again**  
 **⇒ with like sixty percent less nerd**  
 **⇒ maybe seventy**

He's _boring_ , okay? He's like every Ben Stein character ever, wrapped up and rebranded for the Japanese market. He couldn't be more colorless if he was a white sock soaking in pure bleach.

 **⇒ pretty sure that'd actually erode the fabric**  
 **⇒ but okay whatever**

But you get my point. Anyway, Kuzuki's talking. "I will remind you that students are prohibited from accessing the roof outside of lunch periods. Unless you intend on explaining yourself to the principal, I would suggest you move on."

Rin doesn't even look up from her cards. "And I'll remind you, _sir,_ that under paragraph 3 of item 26 in the student handbook, an exception is made for students with eczema, seasonal affective disorder, and/or postpartum depression?" Yeah, of course _she'd_ be prepped to rules-lawyer that shit.

Kuzuki narrows his eyes. "I take it you mean to imply you suffer from one of those conditions, Ms. Tohsaka?"

"I don't _not_ suffer from them."

"I see. I look forward to you submitting the proper medical documentation to the office, then." Kuzuki looks over at me and Shirou. "As for you two, come with me."

"It's okay," Rin whispers to us. "Archer and I got this. I'll let you know if anything changes." Emiya sighs and tosses his cards down. He and I follow Kuzuki downstairs.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

The good news is, things not playing out the way I thought they would doesn't seem to have damaged my credibility with the others. (I guess they're satisfied with me predicting when Rider would show up today.) Which is good, 'cause I got a few sidequests to check off in the ol' journal. I knock at the room's doorway and wait a second before I go in.

"Oh, Tom." Saber blinks. She's leaning against the washing machine in Emiya's laundry room as it thuds away, dressed in her full armor. (I guess she _would_ have to do this pretty frequently, wouldn't she? Can't imagine that she'd let Rin loan her more than the one outfit.) "If you're looking for Shirou, I think he's out in the workshop..."

"I know," I say. "Actually, I was kind of hoping we could talk for a second. I mean, if you don't mind?"

She eyes me. "Regarding what, exactly? If you're concerned I'm planning to go confront Gilgamesh on my own, I assure you that I have no intention of doing so."

"Nah, it's not that." I pause. "Though now that you mention it... yeah, don't. _Please_ don't. Really. It's not gonna end well, trust me."

She shrugs. "I can see why I might consider it. Considering his... _preoccupation_ with me, it's possible I could at least gain some valuable intelligence, even if I could not defeat him on my own."

"Maybe," I allow. "But here's the thing - I really didn't get much of a lovey-dovey vibe from him. If anything, he seemed more like a kid who'd just found his favorite toy again."

"What difference does it make?"

"'Cause he also struck me as the type of kid who really likes _breaking_ his toys," I say. "He might not want to kill you, Saber but I don't think that's the same as not hurting you in his world. Kind of the opposite, in fact. Besides, how would you even plan on getting away? He's a _teleporter,_ remember? The only way you're escaping is if he lets you."

Saber considers that, then nods slowly. "You raise some good points. Those do fit with my past experiences."

"And _that's_ what I wanted to talk about." There's nowhere to really sit - it's really more of a laundry nook than anything - so I just try and make myself as comfortable as I can, resting up against the folded ironing board. "I've been thinking about it for the last few days. If I'm being honest with myself, that whole mess last time was partially my fault, too. I kinda leaned pretty hard on you, even though I knew you didn't like talking about your past. That really didn't help the situation."

She narrows her eyes. "I see."

"So this time, I tried to keep some more stuff under my hat." I spread my hands. "I left out a few things on Friday I figured you wouldn't want the others knowing about."

"Such as?"

"Like... the name of your sword?" She just stares at me. I mime holding a blade above my head and mouth the word.

Saber blinks. "I see. I suppose I appreciate the thought, then."

"And I promise I won't dig any deeper into that." I take a deep breath. "That said... it's kinda looking more and more like what you saw during the Fourth War is relevant to our current situation, you know? I think it might really help us if you agreed to give us more details about what happened back then."

 **⇒ let us not talk falsely now**  
 **⇒ the hour's getting late**

... okay, hold up. What is that?

 **⇒ what is what**

That thing you keep quoting. You've been doing it for a while now. Spill. What _is_ that? It sounds vaguely familiar, but I can't place it...

 **⇒ all along the watchtower**  
 **⇒ the princes kept the view**

... the Jimi Hendrix song?

 **⇒ the bob motherfucking dylan song you mean**  
 **⇒ (fucking philistine)**

Whatever. How is that relevant to anything?

 **⇒ good question**

Feh. Fine. Be that way.

Anyway, Saber doesn't look happy, but she sighs and nods. "Under the circumstances, I am forced to agree. Very well. Ask your questions. I will tell you what I can."

"Awesomesauce." I rub my eyes. "Okay - so. First question. During the fight, Gilgamesh said something about Rin's dad. Any idea what that was about?"

Saber nods. "Gilgamesh's Master during the Fourth War was Tokiomi Tohsaka."

Suddenly it all makes sense. "Oh God. You killed him, didn't you?"

"What? _No!_ Of course not!" Saber glares at me. "I only met him once during a truce negotiation! I didn't even know he was dead until Rin mentioned it the other night."

Or maybe not. "... oh."

"Which is another thing that doesn't make sense." Saber looks away. "If Tokiomi _did_ die during the war, why didn't that end Gilgamesh as well? He shouldn't have been able to last long without a Master, Independent Action or no..."

Hmm. I scratch the back of my head. "Second question. You also mentioned last time that you worked for the von Einzberns during the Fourth War?"

Saber shifts her jaw. "... yes?"

Okay. So that's clearly a sore spot, for whatever reason. "Um... is there anything you can tell us about them, and what they might be up to in all this?"

She relaxes a little. "Not a great deal that's useful, I'm afraid. They're based in Germania, within a fortress they call Jubastacheit. I was initially summoned there a few months before the war began. They spent that time training me in the ways of the modern world, filling in the gaps in the information I received from the Grail."

"Is that where you learned to ride motorcycles?"

Saber shakes her head. "That's actually from the Riding skill innate to my class. The Grail empowers me to commune with and pilot nearly any form of mount or vehicle. I must admit, I tend to be most comfortable with horses or with machines that resemble them, but that's..."

She notices me staring at her. "What?"

"Um..." I gesture helplessly in the direction of her face. "You've got a..."

"A... oh." She sniffs her nose and finally notices the tear drifting down her cheek. Saber catches it on the end of a gauntleted finger and studies the droplet, as if she's examining some kind of strange alien artifact. "But why... who are you for? I promised I would not...

"Ah." She lets the teardrop slide into her palm, then closes her hand around it. "Of course. Irisviel."

 **⇒ oof**

I am in no way prepared to handle any of this. "Um... huh?"

"A dear friend from that time." Saber blinks her eyes repeatedly. "I... suppose I really haven't had the chance to think on it before. She must be dead by now. In fact, I'm certain of it..."

Something occurs to me. "Saber, how long has it been since the Fourth War? For _you,_ I mean."

"That is a difficult question for me to answer." She raises her eyebrows. "My perception of time as a Servant is not quite as... _linear_ as it once was. I know that I have had other experiences between then and now... perhaps two to three months total, at most?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Wow. So this is all still pretty fresh for you, huh?"

"I... suppose it is, yes." She considers that for a second. "I had not really thought of it that way before."

"So where were you during those two or three months?"

"I was in... London, yes? That's what you call Londinium in this era?" Saber cocks her head, as if she's trying to listen to a far-away sound. "They were being bombed from the air by the Saxons, who had also taken France, I think... I'm not entirely sure of the details. There was no Grail there to provide information, or to translate for me. I only had a vague sense of what was going on. I spent my time there helping civilians, getting them to safety underground..."

It takes me a second to assemble all the clues in my head. "You were in the _London Blitz?!_ As in, during World War II?"

"That sounds about right, yes."

"Shit..." I run my hands through my hair. "How did you wind up there? Did someone summon you, or... ?"

She shrugs. "I was needed, so I went."

I blink. "It can work that way?"

"It can. At least for me. I'm something of a special case, from what I've been told."

"Huh." Wonder what that means? "Still... that must have been rough. Going straight from one war to another..."

"In all honesty? Believe it or not, I actually found it somewhat refreshing." Saber gives me a small smile. "I knew my purpose there as soon as I arrived. A straightforward, honorable mission, saving good people... in many respects, it was exactly what I needed."

I scratch my head. "So from that, I'm guessing the Fourth War _wasn't_ so straightforward and honorable."

"It was, as you might term it, a 'shitshow.'" Saber makes air quotes.

"How so?"

She starts to say something, then hesitates and looks away.

I sigh. "Okay. I get it. I know there's something about the Fourth War you don't want Shirou finding out about. It's fine if you don't want to tell me about it, but... I dunno... is there any way for you to give me, like, a general sense of what I'm supposed to avoid here? Just so I can try and keep away from it? Is it something you _did,_ or something relating to your identity, or... ?"

The washing machine timer goes off. Saber turns away from me and starts to take her clothes out. I avert my eyes in case of frilly bits.

 **⇒ not even one little peek huh**  
 **⇒ i'm impressed**

Look, peeking on someone who's right in front of me doesn't strike me as the wisest idea in the world to start with. Said someone having a longsword and super-strength? That goes straight out of unwise's window and into the back yard of suicidal, thanks.

Saber examines the cuff of her uniform's sleeve. "... do you know that Masters and Servants can sometimes view each other's memories?"

I blink. "Uh... no. No, I did not. That's a thing?"

"Mmh." She wrinkles her nose and scratches at a stubborn bit of dirt on one corner. "It's a side effect of the link that supplies us with mana. Sometimes, the energy brings memories with it, too. Especially when the Master's asleep."

"Huh. Sounds pretty similar to my memory-hack thing, I guess." I hesitate. "So are you going somewhere with this, or..."

"The first night I was here, I saw into Shirou's heart." Saber pushes the shirt into the dryer. "He's... a good man. _Very_ good. Much, much better than I would have expected, given the circumstances..."

I nod. "All right, sure. Guess I can buy that."

"So the question is this." Saber turns and looks me in the eye. "Let's say you knew something - some _truth_ \- that might needlessly cause a good man pain. Something that has absolutely no relevance to your current situation.

"Would you tell him? Or would you hold your tongue?"

I finally get it. "So it's not something you did..."

"... it's something I _know,_ " Saber confirms. "Something that I expect would cause him great pain. Perhaps crush his ideals. Make words like 'heroism' taste like ashes in his mouth."

She turns away. "It is... not something I would wish to see happen. Even were he not my Master."

Not that I have any idea what we're talking about here, but that does sound pretty bad.

 **⇒ still**  
 **⇒ if you were the one being held out on**  
 **⇒ what would you prefer**  
 **⇒ blissful ignorance or knowing the truth**

Yeah, I know. How do I put that to her, though? I lick my lips. "I get where you're coming from, Saber... but I dunno. Is it possible you're maybe underestimating Shirou a little here?"

"It is a Servant's duty to protect their Master from harm." Saber pauses, her eyes on the dryer controls. "Remind me - how do I...?"

I point at the buttons. "Just hit the cycle you want, then -"

"Right, right..." She selects PERMANENT PRESS. "The _source_ of the potential harm matters little."

"It's just - Shirou's pretty strong. He's probably the strongest guy I know." It occurs to me that, from her point of view, Saber only met him a few days ago. Not a whole lot of time to get to know someone, even with a mystical telepathic soul-bond or whatever. "Maybe he'd take it better than you think."

"Perhaps..." Saber hesitates, then starts the dryer. "I still don't see it as worth the risk. Some things will warp the heart of any man. And if he does find out... to be honest, I worry about what he might beco..."

She suddenly freezes. Something in her expression reminds me of a hunting dog perking up their ears. "What?" I ask. "What is it?"

There's a blur of motion, and then Saber's gone from the room. Straight through one of the traditional paper walls, judging by the hole.

 **⇒ kool_aid_man dot gif**

I rush out of the laundry room - through the actual door, thank you - and dodge through the hallways. I catch up to her in the kitchen/den, her sword in hand.

"I know you're here." Saber glances around the room. "Show yourself!"

"Calm down, Saber. It's just me."

Archer appears out of thin air. He leans on Emiya's television, an apple in his hand.

"Archer." Saber relaxes. Slightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Rin sent me." Archer takes a bite from the apple. "She got worried about Rider sneaking in past the crap bounded field you have here. So she told me to check up on things."

"... I see." Saber sheaths the blade. "What was that surge in power I felt earlier?"

"What surge?" Archer tilts his head. "I didn't sense anything."

Saber eyes the other Servant. "... I see. Perhaps I was mistaken, then."

Archer shrugs. "Hey, you say you felt something, you felt something. If you want, I can make another sweep of the neighborhood. Just to be sure."

Saber narrows her eyes. "You're being uncharacteristically helpful right now."

He lets out a short laugh. "Screw that! I don't want to be the guy who says the serial killer outside is just the wind or whatever. Might as well sign my own death warrant while I'm at it."

Huh. So I guess the Grail told him about slasher movies? Unless he's talking about some kind of old-timey equivalent, like... I dunno. Some kind of ultra-gory puppet show, maybe.

 **⇒ always a crowd pleaser**

Anyway, Saber looks lost. I cough loudly. "Don't tell anyone, Saber," I stage-whisper to her. "But I think Archer might actually _like_ us."

"Yeah, don't flatter yourself." Archer takes one last bite out of the apple, then tosses the core into my face with a contemptuous flick of his wrist. It bounces off my glasses and onto my foot. Oh, so _that's_ how it's gonna be, huh? "If you don't want my help, then I'll be returning to my Master for new orders."

"That should be fine." Saber stands at attention. "Please tell her that her concern, while unnecessary, is appreciated. We will contact you if there is any sign of the enemy."

"Works for me." Archer shrugs. "Don't let the comic relief character here talk your ear off."

 **⇒ ouch**  
 **⇒ harsh but accurate**

Shhh! That's not helping. How do I play this? Oh, I got it - "Really?" I say brightly. "Sweet! A promotion! Thought for sure I was gonna be stuck as the annoying mascot."

"I take it back," Archer says. "I always had you figured for a Gungan."

My smile vanishes. "Now that is just uncalled for."

"It _was_ a little unnecessary. Much like you."

 **⇒ ooooooh**  
 **⇒ gonna need a cure spell for that one**

Shut it! What do I - fuck. Before I can say anything or mount any kind of comeback, Archer nods to Saber and evaporates. Son of a...

Eh. Oh, well. Can't win 'em all. I look over at Saber. "I'm wearing him down. You'll see."

Saber doesn't answer. She just stares at the spot where Archer vanished with her eyes narrowed. "Tom," she finally says.

"Yeah?"

"May we continue this conversation later? There's a few things I'd like to check into."

"Oh. Yeah. Sure." Guess that's it for tonight. Still, that's not bad, is it? Learned one or two new things. Definitely feel like I might've gained a trust point or two with her. What do you think?

 **⇒ i'll admit**  
 **⇒ you handled all of that really well**

Thank ye. Anyway, guess it's back to meditation practice with Shirou, then. I walk out of the kitchen. I glance over my shoulder as I leave. Saber hasn't moved. She just stands there with her eyes closed, staring off into things I can't even begin to imagine.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So at this point, I imagine it's likely pretty clear what information Saber's trying to hold back, her identity aside. It's the only reason I can see she might have for being so reluctant to tell Shirou about the Fourth War. Even when she's pressed on it during Heaven's Feel, she sends Shirou to_ Kotomine _of all people. Why? Probably because she knows he's an asshole, and if all else fails, she can tell Shirou to disregard anything he said on account of his assholishness. She gets nommed before that can happen, of course, but points for effort, I guess._

 _Otherwise, I know that conversation with Saber's pretty drawn out. There were a number of emotional beats I wanted to hit. Hope they were worth the time it took for me to get there._

 _I figure Saber was in London between September and November of 1940, when bombing of the city was heaviest. The people there probably thought she only spoke Welsh, or maybe they just assumed she'd taken neurological damage at some point. Wonder if she'll later get sent to any of the other cities the_ Luftwaffe _targeted - Hull or Coventry, for instance. Anyone else wanting to write a fic about her experiences during these periods has my full and enthusiastic approval to do so._


	31. III:4

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.4

 **⇒ skip forward: iteration 29, day 6, morning**

Huh. Okay. That... is a thing, I guess.

 **⇒ whats a thing**

Oh. Kuzuki's out today, so I wound up getting a free study instead of Ethics. Been using the chance to work on decoding Uncle Shin's journals again.

 **⇒ you brought those things to school with you**  
 **⇒ even with all the**  
 **⇒ you know**

I've been hiding them inside my math binder. Also, nobody pays attention to me. I hope. Anyway, get this - I finally figured out this short bit that's been driving me crazy. Turns out Shin reused a key from a few pages earlier. That's what threw me off.

 **⇒ so what does it say already**

 _RE: Z-ENERGY - I WAS WRONG. SO MUCH MO_  
 _RE THAN ZELRETCH. TIME ENERGY? PARALLEL_  
 _UNIVERSES?_

First question among many: what the hell is a _Zelretch?_

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Rin spits her drink halfway across the roof. "SHIN KNEW _ZELRETCH?!_ "

I wrinkle my nose. As comedic spit takes go, Rin's version is... different. She wasn't even drinking when I brought it up. It was more like I told her what I found, she nodded and took a sip, and _then_ suddenly it kicked in or something. Can't tell at the moment if it genuinely worked out that way or if she's being deliberately overdramatic. "Uh, yeah. If that's who this _Z_ guy he's been talking about really is. Ring any bells for you?"

Rin covers her mouth as she coughs and hacks. So probably unintentional, then. Shirou looks on in concern, a handkerchief already in hand. (An actual cloth handkerchief. Dang. Do they even sell those these days?) Anyway, I'm eating lunch with the two of them up on the roof. The Servants are off watching for Rider in the woods. Haven't seen Matou around. Maybe he's keeping his head down.

Rin comes partway out of her coughing fit. " _Zelretch_ ," she croaks. "Kishur... Zelretch... Schweinorg."

Shirou blinks. "Those... _are_ words."

"They are?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Think so, but don't quote me on that."

" _Ugh._ " Rin tries to take another sip to clear her throat, but I guess her can's empty now. So she sweeps up Shirou's drink instead and downs part of it. After the first gulp, she immediately goes pale and spits out the rest. Again. "The _shit_ is this?!"

"Bitter melon cola." Shirou irritably wipes a bit of spray off of his face.

" _Why?!_ " Rin blanches. "Just... _why?!_ "

"It was on sale."

"You can actually stand that stuff?" I fish a paper napkin out of my bag.

Shirou shrugs. "It was on sale."

I make a mental note to get Emiya something more palatable from the vending machine tomorrow, if I can swing it. Rin takes the napkin from me and uses it to wipe off her tongue. "Ulllckkh, oh God... it's like somebody washed out my mouth with coffee grounds and _hate_..."

I give her a second to pick out the bits of paper from behind her lips. "So... Zelretch Swine-orgy."

"Wizard Marshal Kishur Zelretch _Schweinorg,_ " Rin says, "is probably _the_ most powerful mage alive... well, sort of. He's centuries old, one of the only remaining Magicians in the world, and I really can't _believe_ you've never heard of him before." She shoots a look at Shirou, who just shrugs again.

There's a lot to unpack there. I tilt my head. "I thought mages _were_ magicians."

"Well, we are, but..." Rin takes a deep breath. "All right, look. Technically, what I do is called _magecraft,_ okay? It's like... magic lite. Diet magic, I guess. Also, I just realized I hate that metaphor, so neither of you are allowed to bring it up _ever._ "

"And Zelretch?" I ask.

"What Zelretch has is capital-M _Magic._ Actual, genuine miracles." Rin swallows. "There's only five in the entire world, he's got the second. He's one of the few known True Magicians in all of human history."

Not sure what all that's about, but okay. "So he's kind of a big deal, is what you're saying."

"Uh, _yeah,_ Tom! _He's kind of a big deal!_ " From Rin's expression, you'd think she'd just stumbled across Jesus Christ sharing a flat with Buddha in Tokyo. "He's rarely seen in public. Almost never takes on students these days. And you're saying that one of the most respected and feared individuals in all of mage society... the literal immortal who destroyed the king of all vampires, who taught Western magic to my ancestors, who _stopped the freaking Moon from colliding with the freaking Earth_... that man took on your uncle, a complete normie, as an apprentice?! That's... that's..."

She stops and stares out into space for a moment, an odd expression on her face. "... actually... that would be totally in character for him, come to think of it."

"Really?"

"He's really old, okay?! They say he's got a weird sense of humor!" Rin shudders. "Anyway, he's probably like the one person in the world who might be able to get away with something like that. The Association would hate it, but even _they're_ scared of him. They wouldn't risk going against him... not directly, anyway..."

"Are... you okay?" Shirou asks with some concern.

"No! I'm not!" Rin hugs her legs. "It's bad enough Shin knew about magic and didn't tell me, all right?! If he knew _Zelretch_ on top of that..." She buries her face in her knees.

Oh, wow. She told me before she knew Uncle Shin when she was a kid. I didn't realize she cared this much, though.

 **⇒ think about it**  
 **⇒ she said her parents died early right**  
 **⇒ then she was taught by frigging kotomine of all people**  
 **⇒ not an abundance of emotional support in that setup**

That's true... couldn't have been too many friendly faces around Casa Tohsaka, I guess. I shut up and give her a moment to process. Shirou awkwardly reaches out towards her, then hesitates and lets his arm drop.

After a minute or two, something occurs to me. "So... it sounds like Zelretch and your family go pretty far back."

Rin mumbles a vague sound of assent from behind her knees.

"Could that be how Shin met your dad? Through him?"

"I... maybe?" Rin sniffs and looks up, pushing her hair back away from her face. "Dad told me he met Zelretch once or twice at school. So I _guess_ that fits?"

What do you know. Something resembling an actual answer in this whole crazy mess. Guess this was a bigger breakthrough than I thought.

" _Still,_ though - it doesn't make any sense!" Rin rocks back and forth. "How could Shin have even _met_ Zelretch in the first place?! And why take _him_ on as a student, as opposed to all the other _billions_ of people out there?! And... and..." She sniffles and glances at Shirou. "Um... can I..."

He gives her the handkerchief. She blows her nose on it loudly and wipes her eyes. Wow. This is... well... a whole lot _messier_ than I would've expected from Rin.

 **⇒ i guess people can surprise you sometimes**

Tell me something I don't know.

I hear the lunch bell ring. That's okay, though - I get the sense that we're done here for right now. I start pulling my stuff together. Ugh. Rin spat Shirou's drink all over my math binder and one of Shin's notebooks. It's okay and all. It's not like it won't reset eventually anyway... which is kind of a morbid thing to take comfort in, come to think of it, but let's not get into that...

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I'm about a third of the way into my next class when someone knocks on the door. I look up in surprise as Saber steps into the room, dressed in her borrowed school uniform. "Excuse me," she says. "I was sent with a message for Tomonaga."

The teacher gives me the okay. I get up and go out into the hall, sliding the door shut behind me. "What's up?"

Saber hesitates. "It's... difficult to explain. You should probably see for yourself. This way."

I follow her down to the next floor and through the halls. She eventually stops by the door to the student council room. "In here. Quickly."

Stepping inside, I am immediately greeted with the sight of Shirou curled in the fetal position, lying on the floor. He is also - I should add - completely butt-naked.

 **⇒ uh**

"Guh!" I quickly avert my eyes. Looking over, I see Rin sitting on top of the table at the center of the room. She cradles something in her hands, whispering and twitching.

She also appears to be wearing Shirou's pants on top of her head.

So this... this is a thing that is happening now, I guess.

 **⇒ ayup**

I turn to Saber as she steps in and quickly shuts the door. "What is... what is this."

"I don't know," she says, a grim expression on her face. "I've used what healing magic I know on them. But nothing I've tried seems to work."

I decide to start with the situation less likely to add to my already-sizable collection of physical insecurities. "Uh, Rin?" I hesitantly approach her. "Are... you..."

"Sssh!" Rin growls. "I told you to zip it. I am _working._ "

"Oh." I lick my lips. "Uh... sorry?..."

"Not you! _That._ " She angrily flips off the filing cabinet in the corner of the room. "Stupid elf keeps laughing at me. Thinks I can't see the _gears_ moving beneath its _skin_... I'll show him. I'll show _all_ those little fuckers..." She goes back to prodding what looks like a compact mirror with a bunch of binder clips attached in random places.

"Well, that's fantastic." I turn to Saber. "How long have they been like this?"

"Since shortly after lunch ended." Saber rubs her temples. "It was all I could do to get them in here before they drew attention to themselves."

"Yeah, uh. Good call." I see Emiya's boxers hanging off the back of a chair and wince. "Do you think Caster could be doing something to them?"

"It's possible." She shrugs. "I am unable to sense any active magical effects on them, nor any physical abnormalities... but that may just mean it's something beyond my ability to detect."

"Okay... what about Archer? Where's he at?"

"Still on lookout. We couldn't rule out Rider being behind this somehow, either, so..."

Another good call, I think. Though this really doesn't seem like a Medusa-ish power to me... what about Shinji, though? Could he have slipped them something? Can't say I'd put it past the little bastard...

 **⇒ maybe focus more on the situation at hand**

"HEY!" Rin shouts. She glares in my direction. "Don't _you_ start! You're _dead!_ You don't get a vote!"

I stare at her and point at myself. "Uh..."

"Not you. My stupid _dad._ " She waves vaguely towards the area behind me. "I'm a full-grown woman, okay?! I can wear whoever's pants I want! Do you want me to bring you and Mom back to life here or what?! And _you!_ " She swings her head back towards the filing cabinet. "The fuck does that even - what do you mean, _'none of this matters'?!_ It matters to _me,_ okay?! So why don't you just sit down and pour yourself a nice glass of _shut the fuck up?!_ "

I don't really see myself making any headway here, do you?

 **⇒ not unless you can speak machine spirit**

Nothing for it, then. With a sigh, I turn and kneel down over Shirou, my eyes locked firmly on his face. "Hey, man... you awake? How you doing over here?"

"It's hot," Shirou whispers. He stares out past me, his pupils dilated. Beads of sweat drip down his face. "Too hot... I can't find her..."

"Who?"

"Mom... I can't find her..."

Oh, boy.

 **⇒ oof**  
 **⇒ bad time for a ptsd episode**

"This is hell, right?" Shirou mutters through dry lips. His eyes seem to focus on me, kind of. "The heat... the screams... the smell... what did I do wrong?" His voice cracks. "Just tell me... what did I do wrong?"

I have absolutely no clue how to respond to that question.

 **⇒ same**

Something about what he said, though... I put my hand on Emiya's forehead. Even through the glove, I can tell that doesn't feel right.

Just to confirm, I stand back up and check Rin's temperature. Shit. She's burning up. I look over at Saber. "I'm pretty sure they've got fevers. We better get the teachers."

Saber nods. "If you think that's for the best."

"What's your _problem?_ " Rin slaps my hand away and looks at me through narrowed eyes. "What's with that antenna sticking out of your head? And why are there so many of you? You know that only one of you gets to be _real,_ right?"

I swallow. "Yeah, I'll... work on that. Promise."

"You better." She harrumphs and turns back to her mirror. "We don't let just _anyone_ join this family, you know."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

In the end, the teachers call an ambulance for them. I guess the involvement of one of the school's wealthiest students is enough to convince them it's worth the hassle. Saber goes along with them to the hospital; she tells me that Archer'll stick around until school lets out before he joins them, just in case Rider tries to take advantage of all the chaos.

Rest of the day's pretty uneventful from there. Tough act to follow, I guess.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

 _THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO SUPPLEMENT MY_  
 _OWN MEAGER MANA WITH AN OUTSIDE POWER S_  
 _OURCE. THE TYPICAL MAGE ANSWER TO THIS_  
 _SEEMS TO BE BLOOD SACRIFICE - STEALING_  
 _OR DRAINING THE MANA FROM ANIMAL OR EVE_  
 _N HUMAN LIFE. OBVIOUSLY I HAVE ETHICAL_  
 _ISSUES WITH THAT APPROACH. IF ONLY THER_  
 _E WERE A WAY TO DRAW POWER FROM, SAY, A_  
 _COMPOST PILE... SURELY THERE MUST BE EN_  
 _OUGH CELLULAR ACTIVITY WITHIN ONE TO PR_  
 _OVIDE *SOMETHING*..._

That night, I'm up in my room working on Shin's notebooks when I hear the sound of an engine idling outside. I look out of my window onto the street. There's a taxi parked outside of Emiya's house.

The car's gone by the time I get down the street and ring the bell. Ms. Fujimura answers the door. "Oh, it's you! I didn't know you lived around here, uh... Tomoyama?"

"Sure, why not," I say. "What happened with Emiya? Is he back home?"

"Yeah, actually." Shirou steps out behind her, dressed (thank all that is holy) in a ratty t-shirt and a pair of old sweatpants. He doesn't look any worse for wear, just kinda embarrassed. "They let me go, but they're keeping Rin overnight for observation. Sorry. Guess I kind of caused you some trouble earlier, huh?"

"You don't remember?"

"Not a thing. I just remember my head starting to feel weird after lunch. After that, it's all a blank until I woke up in the ambulance." He grimaces and rubs the back of his head self-consciously. "Guess I should be kinda glad that was the case..."

I get where he's coming from, but that really isn't going to help us figure out what the hell just happened. "Well, okay, but... do you remember anything weird happening before that, though? Like in the morning or something?"

"Not really, I..."

"Shirou." Saber sticks her head out into the hallway behind them. She notices me and gives me a slight nod. "The thing is doing the thing, the way you said it would."

"Just keep stirring it, Saber!" Emiya calls back to her. "I'll be right there."

"Okay, back to the kitchen." Ms. Fujimura grabs his shoulders. "Talk to friends later. I'm starving!"

I stare at her. "You're making him cook? After he just got out of the hospital?"

"Well, of course, silly!" Ms. Fujimura gives me a look like I'd just questioned the color of the sky. "Sakura's not around. And _I_ can't do it. What, you want him getting poisoned twice in the same day?"

"She's not kidding," Shirou mutters to me. "This one time, she somehow managed to mix bleach into waffles without even realizing it..."

"Oi! We've talked about this! No spreading true stuff about me around at school! Now _c'mon already!_ So... _hungry..._ " Ms. Fujimura literally starts chewing on the back of Shirou's head.

Emiya sighs and gives me what is possibly the longest of long-suffering looks. "See you later, Tom."

"Yeah, later." He slides the door shut. I trudge back down the street. Okay, we officially need to get that guy some assertiveness training at some point. I know he's all about the stoic thing, but this is ridiculous.

 **⇒ you're one to talk**

True. Wonder if they offer group rates on those seminars. Anyway... this mystery clearly isn't getting solved tonight. Guess we'll have to wait to see Rin tomorrow. Maybe she'll know something.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Yeah, it's Zelretch. Big shock, I know. Someone mentioned in the comments the possibility of it being Zouken. I did genuinely consider that twist at one point early on in the story's development. It'd even make sense that he might try to find someone to create magic technology to replace his family's dying powers. Problem is, I couldn't help but see him as far too set in his ways at this point to consider such an approach. Once you've transferred your soul into a colony of flesh-eating insects, you've pretty much left the rational world behind for good, you know? Bridges burned._

 _Still, I have to admit, that would have been a really interesting angle. Feel a little bad about not using it. But I just can't make it work with the other bits of plot I have in mind._

 _As we found out in II.8, Shin was technically a rando, not a normie. I presume Tom neglected to mention that detail to Rin this time around._

 _Re: Guest comment - oh, trust me. Tom hasn't forgotten about Sakura in the slightest. I suspect he'll make his way back to that matter before long here..._


	32. III:5

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.5

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 29, day 7, afternoon**

But we don't see Rin the next day. Apparently, the hospital can't discharge her without her legal guardian present, and Kotomine claims he's booked solid.

She's not the only one missing. Emiya says there was no sign of Shinji in class today. For that matter, he hasn't seen Issei in the past day or two either. Not sure what either of those things mean yet. Hopefully nothing.

 **⇒ wouldn't count on it dude**

Anyway, the day's pretty much a wash - up until Archer calls my cell phone right after school. Guess he was running back and forth between the hospital and Rin's house, keeping an eye on things, when he picked up on Rider's scent. He says he tracked her into the big park downtown. Came across another two victims in the process. Looks like Shinji decided to change up his usual hunting grounds.

 **⇒ victims?**

Two middle-school girls. Archer says Rider just drained them and left them in a ditch somewhere. You can imagine how Shirou reacts to that. Saber, too, for that matter, albeit in a more low-key way.

 **⇒ so hero time?**

Hero time. Figure I'll tag along. With Rin still out of the picture, the team could use another set of eyes... and anyway, seeing Matou get his shit kicked in is never _not_ gonna sound like a good time in my book.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

It's pretty close to sunset by the time we arrive in front of Fuyuki Central Park's front gate. It's deserted, but that's no big shock. Nobody really comes here. The riverside's way more popular.

"Finally," Archer snaps as he materializes on top of the wall. "This way. Come on."

He leads us a little ways around the park's perimeter to a public phone booth. (Guess they haven't quite gotten rid of them all yet. Good thing, too.) Two girls lie slumped against each other on the sidewalk, unconscious. Christ. The smaller one looks like she isn't even out of elementary school yet. Every time I think Shinji's lowered the bar as far as it can go, he just keeps on surprising me.

Saber examines them. "No obvious wounds..."

"I already healed them," Archer says. "They're still weak, but they should be fine eventually. Now move it. I need to get back to Rin."

I blink. "You're not staying?"

"I've left her unguarded for too long as is." Archer notches an arrow into his bow. "Besides, I'll be able to cover you from the hospital roof once I'm there." He cuts me off before I can ask something else. "No more questions! Go!" He vanishes.

"Come on, this way." Shirou breaks into a run. He leads us to a side entrance into the park, where he stops and turns back. "I just thought of something. There's no telling how many more victims Rider might have left scattered throughout the park. We need to search for them, too, just in case. So we should split up to cover more ground."

"Heh." Keeping up with him and Saber has nigh-completely drained me of breath, but I still manage to wheeze out a chuckle. "Thassa good one, dude..."

Saber nods. "Good idea. I can move faster on my own."

"Bwah?" I look back and forth between the two of them. "You're - you're joking, right? Come on! That is, like, a _textbook_ bad idea! You want us to get picked off one by one here?! Because that's how you -"

"Then _you_ two stick together." Saber draws her sword. "If all else fails, find a break in the trees. You can use _that_ -" She motions to the flashlight I'm carrying. Grabbed it out of a utility closet on our way out of school. "- to signal Archer. He should be able to get word to me somehow."

"But -" Before I can bring up any of the other multitude of concerns I have with this idea, she launches herself into the air. I stare after her as she vanishes beyond the treeline. "... the Scooby-Doo plan? _Really?_ "

"Come on." Shirou motions in the opposite direction. "Let's go." Reluctantly, I follow him off into the trees.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

I find the first of what is no doubt many things wrong with Saber's plan as the sun sets. Specifically, I'm pretty sure the batteries in this flashlight are older than I am. I keep the thing turned off and tucked under my arm for now, trying to coax as much juice out of them before they head off into Planned Obsolescence Heaven.

The lack of light doesn't seem to bother Shirou in the slightest, or slow him down. "Watch it," he mutters as we go along. "Rabbit hole coming up on your right." Guy must be part cat or something, I swear.

I eye Shirou's back. Speaking of things that bother him - I wonder if he minds being back in this part of town. He doesn't show any signs of having issues with it, but you know what he's like. And considering that flashback yesterday...

 **⇒ what do you mean**

Oh, I didn't say? This park is where the Great Fire happened ten years ago. Back when this was the center of the brand spanking new Shinto District. The city never managed to get anyone to redevelop this particular section afterwards, so eventually they just gave up and made the whole area green space. That's another reason the place isn't too popular. People think it's creepy.

 **⇒ so he has a personal connection here is what you're saying**

Yeah. Though, come to think of it, I guess he isn't the only one. My dad actually grew up in this area.

 **⇒ really**

Yeah. Way before the fire, of course, and even before the city expanded out in this direction. My grandma was one of the few holdouts left when they started construction on the new district, so they sort of wound up building next to and around her. (Not that she didn't make serious bank selling off the _rest_ of her land to the developers, but that's besides the point.) I've even got vague memories of visiting her house back when I was really young. Before... y'know. All the burning.

 **⇒ so wait**  
 **⇒ you mean your grandma was still living there during the great fire**

Oh, yeah. She made it out fine, though. Her house was on the edge of the district, so she got wind of what was happening before the flames hit. Even had time to save that monstrosity of a parakeet she owned.

All the same, you see why I haven't told Emiya about this. If he lost his mom in that whole thing... well. Mentioning that my own family got away comparatively unscathed would just feel like rubbing it in, you know?

 **⇒ withholding information to spare his feelings**  
 **⇒ where have i heard that one before**

Har, har. You know this is completely different. For one thing -

I run into Shirou's outstretched arm. "Did you see that?" he whispers.

 **⇒ ulp here we go**

I swallow. "See what?"

"I thought I saw something move. Up in the trees. Over -"

Someone screams out in the distance. Until the sound abruptly cuts short.

Shirou and I look at each other. "Go get Saber," he says, pulling out a large wrench. "I'm going ahead."

"Dude, wait. That's not -" But he's already off and running. Of course. Goddamn Emiya.

I turn and start running through the park, in the vague direction I last saw Saber going. I also take out the flashlight and turn it on. The beam's still pretty weak, but it's visible. Okay, next issue - how do you say SOS in Morse Code again? I can't remember - is it dot-dash-dot, or dash-dot-dash? Dammit, of all the shit to -

I trip over a root. The flashlight slips out of my hand and hits the ground. I hear something break and the beam cuts out. Of _fucking_ course.

 **⇒ womp womp**

Of _fucking_ course! I grab the flashlight and stumble to my feet, tightening the cap and switching it off and on as I go. No dice. GRRRWARGH.

So now what? Can I maybe still signal Archer using the light from my cell phone? Just how well can he see, anyway? - _shit_ , cell phones! Why the fuck can't we all just have cell phones like _normal fucking people?!_ Is that really so much to ask?!

"Tom!" Saber grabs me by the back of the neck.

I scream even though I know it's her. More out of habit than anything, maybe. "Oh thank God Saber listen we heard a scream and Shirou sent me to find you even though that's dumb since it could be Rider - fuck _of course_ it's fucking Rider -"

"It's not Rider."

"How do you..."

She bodily turns me to the side.

A short distance away, caught within a web of her own chains between two trees, hangs Rider - or at least what's left of her. Of her four limbs, she has exactly one arm left that hasn't been hacked off or diced into pieces. Blood leaks from her body and down off the chains like rainwater through a mangled sieve.

I groan. "I need _so - much - therapy_..."

 **⇒ i know**  
 **⇒ try to notice any details anyway**

Just one - she's hanging upside down, right? Down below where her arm dangles limply, it looks like she wrote something on the ground, inside a puddle of her own blood. The light's really dim and it's all smudged and splotchy and stuff... but I think it's 景?

 **⇒ remind me what that means**

Um... "scenery." "Scene." "Vista." Something viewed. Also "scene" in the sense of, like, a scene in a play. I think.

 **⇒ you think**  
 **⇒ isn't this like**  
 **⇒ elementary school stuff for you**

 _I am under stress here what do you even want from me._ Anyway, no sooner do I notice that that Rider starts doing the whole purple dissolve-y thing. The body, the chains, the blood, all of it. The whole grisly scene vanishes into thin air. That Servant self-cleaning feature, you know.

Saber grabs me by the shoulders. "Which way to Shirou?"

"Oh, um -" I wave vaguely in the direction that I came from.

She sweeps me off my feet and jumps. Then we're bounding off through the trees, all _Naruto_ -style.

"What happened to the flashlight?" she asks.

"Yeah _don't even start,_ " I snap.

 **⇒ skip forward (slightly)**

It isn't long before we land in a clearing. Saber drops me onto my feet. "Here," she says. "I smell blood."

I glance around. The light's gotten way too dim for my eyes now. I go fishing for my cell phone, but Saber's already on it. She draws her sword, which starts to glow with a dull gold light. Glamdring mode. Neat.

I take a step forward, directly on Shinji's face. Or, well. Really more _in_ his face, to be honest.

 **⇒ fuck**

I slip backwards onto my ass, uttering a loud string of profanities that I honestly don't even hear. Bits and pieces of Matou - including most of his skull, and his jaw, and so on - are strung out all around us. And yeah, on the one hand, it's Shinji. But on the other...

 **⇒ jesus fucking christ**

 _Exactly!_ Did someone hit the _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ / _Silence Of The Fucking Lambs_ button while I wasn't looking?!

Also, at the edge of the clearing, Shirou's lying face-first on the ground with this gigantic katana sticking out through the back of his head. So that's a thing.

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Re: that one Guest comment from August 4th - for the record, my real name's not Tom. The character's named after Tom Baker... or maybe the Toonami droid. Can't remember which right now._

 _Rest of what you said's pretty accurate, though._


	33. III:6

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.6

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 8, morning**

I take a deep breath. "Okay, seriously, Emiya. What the fuck."

Shirou shrugs and rubs the back of his head. Then he winces and stops, because I guess that still hurts. "I dunno."

"Dude, c'mon. I was there, okay? I saw it. I don't care how many Cure Lights she threw at you -" I gesture at Saber. "No one just sleeps off frigging _brain damage,_ all right?!"

"I'm with the rando on this," Rin agrees, her mouth half full of English muffin. Seems she finally got out of the hospital late last night, thanks to a friendly visit from the family lawyer. Right now, we're all at Shirou's place. "Generally speaking, people die when they're killed."

I blink and glance at her. "Um... sorry, what?"

"I _said,_ people usually die when they're mortally wounded." She shoots me a glare, as if daring me to push the matter further.

I'm good, though. "Well, okay, then." That makes a bit more sense.

 **⇒ whole lot less memeable tho**

Shirou spreads his hands. "I don't know what you want me to say here. This shit just keeps happening to me, ever since Lancer stabbed me last week."

"So, what... the same spear that made me time loop, gave you a Wolverine healing factor?" I raise an eyebrow. "Not sure I'm seeing a common thread there."

I pause. "Mind you, if that _is_ the case... kinda have to wonder which one of us got ripped off more."

"Yeah, I don't think you can call something that does that a 'weapon,' exactly," Rin says dryly. "Anyway, _fascinating_ as this line of questioning is - what the hell are we gonna do about Caster?"

"Oh. Yeah." I scratch my head. "Guess this _does_ look pretty bad for her..."

 **⇒ okay wait i'm missing something**  
 **⇒ how does this connect to caster**

Oh, you didn't catch that last night?

* * *

 **⇒ skip back to: iteration 29, day 7, early night**

Shit. Is he even breathing? I try to ignore the viscera scattered everywhere around me - not an easy task, FYI - and search for a pulse. At least Shirou looks intact. No organs or limbs missing. Just... you know... a fucking _nodachi_ stabbed through his brainpan, like the sword in the fucking stone. (Which is kind of weird, come to think of it. I thought those weapons were supposed to be all about slashing, not piercing damage.)

"... Assassin?" Saber reaches out and puts her hand on the hilt. As soon as she touches it, the _nodachi_ dissolves into blue dust.

Hole it made in Shirou's head is still there, though. Kinda glad it's too dark for me to see details.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"So, yeah..." I hesitate. "... can we maybe call her? I mean, they've gotta have a phone up in the monastery somewhere, right?" In retrospect, probably should have been way more proactive about this situation. But it's been all _ambiguous_ since Tuesday, you know?

"And give her a chance to - how'd you put it? 'Play us'?" Rin air-quotes. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"We should be cautious about jumping to conclusions here, Master," Archer says from the hallway. He leans just outside the door to Shirou's room. "For all we know, Assassin and his Master could have been acting on their own. For that matter, this whole scenario might be some sort of trick by an enemy mage, intended to put us in conflict with Caster's group."

"Hmmph." Rin crosses her arms. "I doubt the von Einzbern brat could pull something like that off... but that _would_ be right up Kirei's alley. Smug bastard never even showed up yesterday..."

"What do you think, Saber?" Shirou asks.

"None of this feels right," Saber replies. She's been sitting quietly up until now. "The man I dueled on Monday possessed impeccable honor. Try as I might... I can't see him striking an opponent from behind, much less one without a sword."

"Maybe the Master used a Command Seal on him," Archer counters. "Or maybe - and I'm just spitballing here - fighting someone _once_ isn't enough to give you a sense of their entire character."

Saber doesn't say anything. She just looks away.

I look around the room. "Kinda sounds like we need more information."

"Buh. Fine!" Rin throws up her hands. "I'll send out the owls today while we're at school. I hope you realize this goes completely against the entire spirit of the Murder-Death-Kill. I haven't gotten to maim or blow up anything _all week_ thanks to this bullshit."

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

"Is it just me," I ask Shirou at lunch, "or is attendance kinda on the lean side today?"

"It's not just you," he says.

We're sitting in his homeroom this time. (Rin isn't with us. She mumbled something about expanding the search radius and ran off.) Half of the class seems to be out. Mine's even worse off - we're down two-thirds and three teachers.

"Yeah..." I rub the back of my head. Clearly, this situation should be setting off all kinds of warning bells in my head. Problem is, damned if I know for _what,_ exactly.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

So I figured the plan was for us to meet back up for a strategy meeting tonight. Instead, Rin leaves this hurriedly scribbled note in Shirou's locker, saying she needs to check into something and she'll catch up with us later. Needless to say, this strikes me as the opposite of a good idea - but at this point, there's nothing for us to do but trust her and Archer to watch their own backs. (Cell phones. Cell phones _and_ GPS trackers. Need to remember that for next time.)

Instead, I wind up going home and sitting down with a kanji dictionary to try and figure out Rider's final message. I mean, was she trying to point us (or whoever she was trying to reach) in the direction of a certain vista or a particular scenic point? Did she intend to use one of the meanings of that character in Chinese, of which there are like five billion plus a surname? In terms of words she could've been trying to write, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume she didn't use her dying breath to convey information about a pachinko prize or Nestorianism (whatever the hell _that_ is.)

In short, I'm just spinning my wheels when I hear a loud dull THUMP from somewhere nearby and the entire house shakes like a leaf.

 **⇒ that sounds less than good**

I look out of my window and see a huge cloud of ash rising up above Emiya's house. Oh, boy.

 **⇒ follow standard procedure**

First, grab coat. Second, run outside and down street. Third, notice the ash cloud's hanging over the backyard. Fourth, find the front door unlocked. Fifth, run through house and into the back -

"SHIROU!" I hear Saber roaring his name long before I set eyes on her. "SHIROU!" I finally get out back and find her tearing madly through the remains of the storehouse. The whole tool shed's been completely reduced to rubble. As I arrive, she turns and raises her sword in my direction.

"It's me! It's me!" I raise my hands. "What happened?!"

"I don't know!" She looks around wildly. I can see tears forming in her eyes. "He was practicing, I was in the dojo - I didn't sense _anything!_ No attack! No magic! That shouldn't even be -"

Saber vanishes into thin air. Poof.

I just stand there alone for a moment, no sound except for the rubble settling. Did... did she just die? Is that what happens when they run out of mana? Where the fuck was all that purple dissolve-y bullshit like when Rider died?! Do other Servants not get -

 **⇒ calm down**  
 **⇒ look around you**

Okay, okay, okay. I take a deep breath... then stop, because the air is still choked with dust. I look around. We've got the debris from the flattened storehouse, including what's left of its tiled roof and the shattered remains of its stone walls. We've got the yard. We've got the dojo. We've got the house.

... we've got the bright blue light coming from around the side of the house. A light that looks a lot like...

"No way." I break into a jog. "No _freaking_ way."

I reach the side of the house. I turn the corner.

Shirou lies on his back in the midst of some shrubs. He's covered in stone dust and pretty hideous-looking burns, but he otherwise looks intact. Saber kneels at his side, her healing hands on at full blast, her brow furrowed in concentration. (Shirou's hand seems to be down another Command Seal... I guess he used it to summon her? And now she's using whatever mana's left over to cast some kind of Mega Super Cure.)

Emiya's eyes focus on me. "... ow," he manages to whisper in a strangled voice.

I turn back and look at the ruins of the storehouse. If I'm remembering right, there weren't any doors or windows on that side of the building. Assuming the explosion came from inside, the only way Shirou could've been blown over here is straight through the wall.

Any way that I look at it... Emiya should be _salsa_ right now.

I sit down on the ground next to them. "Right," I say. "First thing tomorrow, we're checking you for flight, super-strength and heat vision. And also, it's official - magic spear _totally_ ripped me off."

Soon after that, the police and fire department arrive. It turns into this whole thing.

* * *

 **⇒ skip to: iteration 29, day 9, morning**

"Tom? _Tom!_ "

"Bluurrghhwha?" I blink groggily and automatically fish my glasses off of the shelf next to my bed. Dammit. Mom even said I could sleep in after being up half the night answering the cops' dumb questions over and over...

Oh, wait. That's not Mom. That's Saber.

 _Oh, shit, that's not Mom, that's Saber!_ I immediately sit up and wrap the covers around my lower body. "Saber, what the hell -"

"Shirou's gone." Saber stands at the end of my bed in full armor. (I see the window open behind her. I guess she somehow managed to open it from the outside?... you know what, I'm not even going to bother questioning it.)

"What do you mean, gone?" I ask. "Did they take him to the hospital or..."

"No, the ambulance workers cleared him last night." Saber's back to doing her whole stoic thing, but I can tell she's worried. "But when I went to check on him this morning, he wasn't in his room. No note. No signs of a struggle. I haven't been able to find him anywhere.

"Also... there's something outside that you need to see."

"Wha - can't you just tell me?"

"You should really see for yourself," Saber repeats. She gestures towards the window.

I reluctantly get out of bed and trudge over to the window, my blanket dragging on the floor behind me. I look outside.

I see the large island floating placidly in the sky, a few thousand meters or so over the center of town.

"... oh."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _Re: Trapdere's comment from August 16 about Tom's wall socket anecdote - 'blown halfway across the room' is just a colloquialism. Tom is describing an exaggerated startle reflex amplified by involuntary muscle spasms, all of which can happen in response to an electric shock. To put it another way, the electricity made him throw_ himself _across the room, rather than physically propelling him in some way itself. I apologize if my phrasing here was too imprecise for certain readers' tastes._

 _(It goes without saying that Tom was_ extremely _lucky during this incident, since the current going through a wall socket is more than enough to induce ventricular fibrillation/sudden cardiac death... even if Japanese outlets do carry slightly less voltage than North American ones.)_


	34. III:7

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.7

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 9, morning**

"What," I say flatly. "Just... what."

Thing is, it's not just a floating island, I realize as I stare at it. It's a floating _mountaintop,_ and I'm pretty sure I know which one. I rush back to my desk and dig through a few drawers until I find the binoculars. Sure enough, soon as I get them adjusted, there's Ryuudo Temple sitting on top of the hovering landmass. Backed by... wait. Isn't that the big tower from the von Einzbern place?

 **⇒ keeping binoculars by the window huh**

Shut up! It's not like - you're a bad influence, you know that?

 **⇒ kekekekeke**

So let me get this straight: Wednesday was... I don't know... _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas._ Thursday was _Silence of the Lambs._ And now it's Miyazaki? What the hell?

 **⇒ kinda like watching a netflix queue on random**

I hear the roar of jet engines in the distance, followed by a loud noise that sounds like a combination pipe organ and meat grinder. A huge skeletal dragon the size of a bus passes over our heads and dives further down the hill. There's a loud crash and a number of screams as it lands somewhere below us.

Wokay. Make that Miyazaki with a side order of Harryhausen.

I look at Saber. She looks at me. "I should probably -," she says.

"Yeah. Please. Yes." I hastily get out of her way. Saber leaps out the window and is gone in a flash.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

By the time I get dressed and catch up with Saber, she's standing in a crater over not one but _two_ dragon skeletons, smack dab in the middle of what I'm fairly certain used to be someone's house. She holds up her hand as I approach. "Stay back. They keep trying to -"

One dracolich -

 **⇒ hold up**  
 **⇒ draco what now**

Dracolich. That's what you call an undead dragon. +3 to CR.

 **⇒ :cough:nerd:cough:**

Whatever. What the hell else am I suppose to call them? Draco-zombos? The Flying Dead?

Anyway, one dracolich shifts a bony wing, despite currently lacking a head. Saber brings her sword down on its claw with a grunt.

"Pull back. I've got it."

Saber jumps out the hole. Before the skeletons can so much as twitch, Archer riddles them both with arrows. They explode. When the flames clear, there's nothing left.

Archer lowers his bow. He stands on the opposite side of the crater from us, alone. "Where's Rin?" I ask.

"She... went missing last night," Archer admits with a sigh.

"What?!" Saber glares at the other Servant. "Why didn't you tell us?!"

"Because I was busy actually _looking_ for her, that's why," Archer snaps. "I can tell she's still alive, at least, since I'm still getting mana from her."

I glance at Saber, who nods. Same for her and Shirou, then. I tilt my head. "What about your telepathic link thing?"

"She hasn't been answering my calls," Archer says. "I got exactly _one_ message back from her this morning. No details, just her location."

"So where is she?" I ask.

"Take a wild guess." He points his thumb behind him at the big floating island.

"So the little lady's stuck in the castle dungeon. Can't have that now, can we?"

Saber and Archer immediately turn their weapons on Lancer, who just laughs. He casually steps off of the utility pole he's perched on and lands on the ground as if the fall's nothing, spear slung over his shoulders. "Relax, gents," he says. "I'm not here ta fight. In fact, my Master's ordered me to help you. Given we _are_ all sworn ta enforce mage law, last I checked. Meanin' we've got bigger problems than just ourselves right now."

Saber eyes him carefully. "True..."

"Oh, yeah." I scratch the back of my head. "I guess Kotomine wouldn't be the biggest fan of all this, would he."

"How did - wait." Lancer seems to notice me for the first time. "You're not a Master. Who the feck are you?"

"I'm -," I start, but Archer and Saber cut me off in unison.

"He's a sidekick."

"He's a friend."

"Awwww, really?" I look at Saber, genuinely touched. "Thanks, boo." She gives me an ever-so-slight nod.

Archer coughs. "Might live to regret those words, Saber..."

"Eh, six o' one, half dozen of the other." Lancer walks towards us. Saber and Archer slowly lower their weapons. "Here's the big question, though - can either of ya blaggards fly?"

There's a dead silence. Archer and Saber glance at each other. Lancer makes a face. "Guessin' that's a no, then."

For my part, it takes me a second to figure out that Lancer's being serious, and another to realize that it's a completely legitimate issue in context. "Wait - what about that invisible mode you guys have?" I ask. "Don't you just kinda float around when you're like that?"

"We can't go that high," Archer says flatly. "We have to stay within a certain range of a large mass of people. Besides, Saber doesn't have that ability."

Lancer scratches the side of his face. "Think we could catch a ride on one of them skeleton beasties?"

"Tried it." Archer shakes his head. "They won't accept being steered, and they'll destroy themselves if they have to. What about knocking it out of the sky? Bringing it down to us."

"Tried _that._ " Lancer shrugs. "Hit it with the full Anti-Army routine a few hours back."

"And?"

"Not a thing. Didn't know that attack even _could_ be blocked. Whatever wards they got up there must be somethin' savage."

As if to underscore the point, a salvo of missiles or maybe rockets streak over us and head for the island. They all detonate in mid-air, as if they hit an invisible wall. It's all very _Independence Day._

Saber eyes the military aircraft buzzing overhead thoughtfully. I think I know what she's thinking. Unfortunately, as cool as it would be, I can't quite see the JSDF giving three undocumented strangers a no-questions-asked ride up to a mysterious object hovering over a major city. How would that even go, anyway? We just show up on base, all _"eyyyyy lmao guess what we got superpowers! You guys should totally trust us to -"_

That's right about when a really terrible idea occurs to me.

Unfortunately, it's also the only one I've got.

 **⇒ this should be good**

I go over to Saber. "Two things," I whisper to her. "First, just making sure we're on the same page - if Rin's up there, chances are Shirou is too. Right?"

She nods. "Agreed."

"Right." I swallow. "Uh, second thing. So that Riding skill of yours... does it only work on _land_ vehicles, specifically, or...?"

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

One set of hastily-printed directions, a 'temporarily scavenged' car (or at least that's what I'm planning on telling the judge), and just short of three hours later, Saber stares at the arcane instruments in front of her. "... I have concerns," she says.

I only know about Fuyuki Civil Airfield because I happened to spot it while on a school trip a long time ago. (And even then, the only reason I retained that information was because there happened to be these dudes flying these small RC planes right as we were going by, which, at least as far as elementary-school me was concerned, was the awesomest thing to ever awesome, but I digress.) According to what information I dug up online, it's still an active public-use airport catering to hobbyist fliers and corporate jets. It's also completely deserted at the moment, which is a plus.

Unfortunately, most of the planes we find in the hanger seem to be partially disassembled, with one key part or another missing. (Maybe that's just how they store things for the winter around here?) Flaps, props, the entire engine... some of them don't even have wings.

Saber and I are currently sitting inside the only airplane that seems potentially ready to fly. I don't recognize the brand or the manufacturer. Rather than a yoke or something, the primary control here is an actual _stick_ coming out of the floor, which I, for one, did not realize was still a thing outside of World War II dramas. The instruments and switches are all labeled in... I want to say Czech? The plane's user manual, in contrast, looks to be in French. Neither of which I know how to read, needless to say.

So I get where Saber's coming from. Unfortunately, though... "I think it's either this or the helicopter." I point to the rickety contraption behind us, which manages to look both intimidatingly complex and worryingly fragile at the same time.

Saber closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

And that's how I wind up crammed into a tiny cockpit with three Servants inside of a small, single-engine prop plane that seems to lurch with every passing breeze. Of which there is a lot, since we are currently about three kilometers above the ground. Assuming that I'm reading the altimeter right, anyway... and that I _am_ looking at the altimeter and not, say, a Czech-style fuel gauge or something.

 **⇒ oy**

The good news is, Saber seems to have things relatively under control, at least at this point. (Takeoff was... a process.) Stone-faced, she holds the control stick in a death grip, her eyes fixed on the view outside. I get the impression that she doesn't know how to read the various instruments on the console any more than I do. It seems like this Riding power of hers basically comes down to her operating on pure instinct. Not the most comfortable feeling ever, I'm guessing.

The cockpit is chilly and loud and cramped - a situation not helped by the fact that we only barely managed to get Lancer's spear inside of it. We wound up stowing the thing at this weird angle, where it runs between me and Saber and into the back seat, with the point positioned right next to Archer's head. No one says a word. No point in even trying to talk - the noise from the engine drowns out all other sound.

That is, at least, until we hit a bump, and my knee hits a switch on my side of the console.

"Shit!... oh, hey." I notice my own voice echo through the headset I'm wearing. I just sort of instinctively put it on when I found it on the seat, because hey, free headset, you know? What's not to like. Everyone else seems to have followed my lead, perhaps under the mistaken impression I have some idea of what I'm doing here. Anyway, I guess this is some kind of intercom feature? "So... that's what that does. Good to know."

Archer sighs. "And here I was, trying to imagine how this could possibly get any worse. Once again, the universe provides."

"So this is one of them airplane things people keep telling me about," Lancer remarks. "Can't say I'm impressed."

We hit some more turbulence, including a sudden, nauseating two-meter drop.

"Are ya sure ya have this, woman?" Lancer asks, a hint of concern in his voice.

"No," Saber says bluntly. Her voice sounds eerily serene and distant, as if she's watching all this from a thousand miles away.

"... at least you're honest." Lancer shifts in his seat. "So I was gonna ask - why'd ya bring the kid along? It's not like he needs to be involved in this next part." He motions his head towards me.

"Because I may need his help to operate this abomination against God and nature," Saber replies.

Archer shrugs. " _I_ just figured the military's less likely to shoot us down if we have a minor on board." I hear nothing in his voice to suggest that he's joking.

"Wait, they can _DO_ that?!" Lancer's eyes go wide. I'm starting to get the impression the Grail left a few minor holes in his education. "... I am clearly not drunk enough for this."

We hit another bump. Archer hits his forehead against the spear. "FUCK!" He irritably bats the weapon away.

"Oi!" Lancer indignantly slugs him on the wrist. "Hands off the merchandise, boyo!"

Archer eyes him for a second, then punches him in the arm. This goes back and forth a few times, faster than my eye can see.

 **⇒ the whole childish-backseat-fight cliché**  
 **⇒ really**

"Boys, don't make Mom come back there," I say, an edge of panic in my voice. "Because if she does, we're all going to die."

"I miss the engine noise," Saber says flatly.

And that's when a Mitsubishi F-2 drops into view outside of my window.

It's practically right on top of us, close enough that I can see the pilot moving inside of it. Another jet roars up into view from below on Saber's side, this one sticking slightly behind us. (Side note: honestly, I'm kind of amazed they can actually go _slow_ enough to match our speed. All of this would be really cool if it wasn't completely terrifying.)

"You're up, Jar Jar," Archer says.

Oh _shit oh fuck oh shit!_ I go to the part of the console that looks the most radio-ish to me and start turning things that seem like they might be the power knob. I get it on the third try. "- upon," a female voice says in my headset. "Repeat - unidentified civilian craft, you have entered a restricted area."

("Ooh." Lancer raises his eyebrows. "Lady o' war."

"Don't even think about it," Archer mutters.)

"You are ordered to immediately change track to one three five true and descend to -"

"Uh, hi!" I blurt out. "Yes, hi? Uh, can you hear me?" I have no idea if this thing is transmitting.

"... roger, I read you," the pilot replies cautiously. Her plane is so close, I can actually make out the writing on its fuselage: MAJ. M. KUROHASHI. "BLACKOUT." 6TH TACTICAL FIGHTER SQUADRON. Fuck, even her _real_ name sounds badass.

"Right, yes, hi! Great! Everything's under control. Situation normal," I say in the most cheerful tone I can summon. "Sorry for the wait. We, uh, had a slight radio malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right now. We're all fine here, thanks. How are you?"

There's a pause. "... is that fucking _Star Wars?!_ "

"Uh." I falter. "N-no."

"That's the part before he says 'boring conversation anyway.'"

Oh. Oh God. She's right.

 **⇒ did**  
 **⇒ did you not realize you were**

I genuinely had _no idea_ I was doing that! Shit. I... I might have an actual psychological problem here.

 **⇒ pretty sure nerd tourettes isn't a thing**

"Are you _OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!_ " Major Kurohashi roars, loud enough to make me wince. I hear Lancer snigger. "This is an _ACTIVE COMBAT ZONE!_ Do you even realize what that MEANS?!"

Fuck. There's a sudden break in the cloud cover. I can see the island floating below us, just a few klicks away. If I can stall a little longer...

I start, "I -"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! BEFORE I SHOOT YOU DOWN MYSELF FOR BEING _THIS FUCKING STUPID!_ "

I lick my lips. "I know how this looks, okay? But believe it or not, we have a really _really_ good reason for OH GOD DODGE DODGE I'VE SEEN THOSE BEFORE _DODGE!_ "

I shriek that last part to Saber at the top of my lungs. Because a dozen of Caster's purple circles of death just popped up above the island. Pointed in our direction.

Saber swerves left. Beams of light (can't be lasers too slow maybe plasma or some kind of particle beam what the fuck is wrong with me why am I even thinking about this now) criss-cross through the sky around us. One of them lances straight through the major's wingman, slicing the other fighter to pieces.

" _FUCK!_ " The major veers off, barely getting out of the way of another blast. She hits the afterburners. The F-2 rockets forward. Its wake clobbers us like a hurricane wind, sending us spinning away.

Somehow, Saber gets us back under control. She points us towards the island. Archer curses. I look and see at least a half-dozen dracoliches in flight just above the death circles. Heading straight towards us, naturally.

"... hold on," Saber says in that increasingly creepy monotone voice she's rocking. She puts the plane into a dive.

* * *

 **⇒ cue the kenny loggins**

Whatever this plane was built for, it sure as hell wasn't acrobatics. I hear the airframe scream as Saber dives us beneath the first two liches, weaves through the next two, and finishes with an honest-to-God _barrel roll_ that I'm shocked doesn't tear our wings off.

When we come out of it, I find myself clutching my seat, my fingers digging into the upholstery, repeating the same phrase over and over again beneath my breath: " _i'm a leaf on the wind i'm a leaf on the wind i'm a leaf on the wind..._ "

 **⇒ oh no no no no stop stop that right now**  
 **⇒ you're gonna jinx it**

"You _SUCK,_ TOM!" Archer yells in the midst of the lull.

Saber pulls us out of a dive as more beam spam sails over us, then reorients the plane. We seem to be beneath the aim of the death circles now, more or less on the same level as the island. Which we're fast coming up on.

 **⇒ you've got an actual plan for the wards right**  
 **⇒ you're not just assuming they're only on the bottom**

Yeah, no. Archer said he has A Thing for the wards once we get up close. Nowish seems like a good time for that. "Uh, Archer..."

"I got it," Archer growls. "Just keep us steady, Saber."

"I am in no position to make promises," she replies hollowly.

"Fantastic." He abruptly vanishes.

Okay, what the hell is he up to? I feel a sudden blast of wind as the canopy slides forward a few centimeters, then slams back closed. I glance up. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Archer reappear on top of the plane, bow drawn, crimson energy swirling around him. Holy shit. How can he _possibly_ be staying in place? The wind alone...

 **⇒ best not to question it**

Okay, he's definitely charging some kind of attack. That's good, right? I lower my head...

... and catch a glimpse of the two dracoliches closing in on us from either side. One on our left, one on our right. Both easily matching our speed. Things that propel themselves by _flapping_ have no business being that fast.

 **⇒ they're also flying without wing membranes fyi**  
 **⇒ but you do you**

"Uh..." I steal a glance at Saber. She sees them. I can tell by the way she's gritting her teeth. I also know, somehow, that there's nothing she can do about it. Any sudden moves might throw Archer off. And ten to one says _he_ can't do anything while he's charging up...

... we're fucked, aren't we.

The dragon on my side suddenly explodes into a fireball. I hear a burst of machine gun fire above us, and turn just in time to see the dracolich on our left get swatted out of the air like a fly. The F-2 dives past us in a cobalt blur.

Lancer whoops. "Father's HAND, I need that woman's number!"

I have just enough time to wonder if Major Kurohashi saw Archer on top of our plane and how that must've looked to her before a swirl of energy - a twisting vortex of the purest silver and a dark blue deeper than any ocean - launches over the canopy and out ahead of us. There's a flash of green light, and somehow, the air itself seems to shatter like glass.

Saber's waiting for it. She easily dives through the hole in the wards, then pulls up. I look up to make sure Archer didn't get knocked off by a fragment of... solid air or whatever the hell that shit is. I see the tips of his shoes vanish. I wait, but the canopy doesn't open. So... uh... I guess he's staying out there, then? Wokay... you do you, man...

The plane swings high over the island. I take in a few details I couldn't see from the ground. The former mountaintop is still ringed by forest, but all the trees appear to be dead, bone-dry without a leaf to be seen. The entire temple seems to have been rearranged around the tower, with additional bits and pieces from the von Einzbern place mixed in amid the traditional buildings. There's also no sign of the walls that circled the whole complex, or of the big gate that used to be out front.

"Huh." Lancer narrows his eyes. "I'm not sensing the Anti-Servant barrier..."

I glance at Saber. "What're you thinking? The courtyard?"

She grunts and hits the flaps. I feel the deceleration like a punch in the gut as we start to lose speed. Saber wheels us around and orients the plane towards the big, flat space in front of the temple.

These aren't exactly ideal circumstances for a pilot's first landing, but Saber handles it like a pro. She slows us to the point we have just enough speed to get over the tree line, then aims us down at the stone tiles, nose angled slightly up. It's like watching a flight simulator's tutorial level.

It's only at the last second that I realize we've neglected one small detail. "Shit! Saber - _landing gear -_ "

Too late. We hit the ground wheels-up, the undercarriage screaming as we skid across the stone surface on the plane's flat bottom. The cockpit swerving as the machine starts to spin around like a top, all semblance of control lost...

* * *

 **⇒ you can open your eyes now**

... thank you. I uncurl my arms from around my head. The cockpit is tilted at a weird angle... but otherwise, we seem to be alive. Intact, too. Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

I hear Saber let out a deep breath. "... Tom?"

"Yeah?"

With some difficulty, Saber lets go of the steel control stick - which not only bears the imprints of her gauntlets, but is bent in one place at a roughly forty degree angle - and turns to me. Only now, looking into her eyes, do I get a sense of the size of the freak-out she's been suppressing. It is both terrifying and humbling in its vastness.

" _Never_ ask me to do that again," Saber says. " _Ever._ "

"... kay," I reply. Even though I have absolutely no idea how else we're supposed to get down from here.

Back behind me, Lancer starts laughing. Actual, genuine, unforced laughter, I should add, with only a slight hint of insanity. He slaps me on the back and wipes a tear from his eye. "Ohhhh... get me out of this fecking thing." Still chuckling, he throws the canopy open and leaps out, spear in hand.

I look at Saber, who still seems to be rocking the whole thousand-yard stare thing. I almost go for a reassuring pat on the arm before I think better of it. I could see that coming across as kinda patronizing, and I might need that hand for something later.

 **⇒ heh**  
 **⇒ phrasing**

Shut it. "You need a second here?" I ask instead.

She nods slowly. " _Yes, please._ "

"Okay." I unbuckle myself from the seat and crawl out of the cockpit.

* * *

 **⇒ that's one small step for a tom**

I set an unsteady foot on the ground. Feels solid enough. Looking back, I notice the plane is in surprisingly good shape, all things considered. It rests at the edge of the courtyard, its wing snagged against a petrified tree. A long trail of hull fragments stretches across the stonework. The tail fins look a little bent, but gliding it out of here might not be entirely impossible.

But anyway - first things first. I take a deep breath. " _Balse,_ " I say in a loud voice.

I wait. Nothing happens. Damn.

 **⇒ dark**

"What's that about?" Lancer eyes me curiously.

"Nothing," I say. "Just trying to skip a few steps. Any sign of Archer?"

"Right here." Archer appears a few meters off to my right.

I glance again at the wide scrape the plane carved through the courtyard. "Don't tell me - did you _surf_ us through all that?!"

Archer snorts. "Are you kidding me? I jumped over here as soon as we got close enough. I can't believe you three actually tried to land that crate." The only response I can really summon is a weary shrug. "Well, okay... I can see why you and Saber would risk it. By why didn't _you_ skip out when you could?" He looks at Lancer.

Lancer grins. "And miss all the fun?"

"... sure." Archer rolls his eyes. He turns and looks up at the witch's tower. "So... we're here. Now what?"

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _So it turns out that Japan's primary fighter is a homebrew version of the F-16 Falcon, produced as a collaboration between Mitsubishi and Lockheed Martin - something that I, for one, did not know before writing this. I have no idea if the Air Self-Defense Force stencils individual pilot names on their planes the way the US military traditionally does. And even if they do, I doubt they include the squadron. I just couldn't resist showing my research. The (real) 6th Tactical Fighter Squadron is based in Fukuoka Prefecture, just north of where I've placed Fuyuki._

 _On a side note, I recently read that Japan just appointed their first female fighter pilot. Guess the Fate timeline must be better about that than ours, what with all the male historical figures who were secretly (generally quite buxom) women and such. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)_

 _While we're on the subject of planes, the exact model that the Servants borrow is a PZL-111 Koliber 235, a Polish version of the French SOCATA Rallye. (Thus the user manual.) How exactly said plane ended up in Japan without being localized is, I'm sure, a fascinating tale in of itself. Too bad I have no idea what it is._

 _Not gonna even bother trying to name all the shout-outs and references I put in here._

 _I wondered for a while about how Saber might use her Invisible Air ability in this situation. I decided in the end that she probably would choose not to risk it. Think about what happened to the motorcycle she drove in_ Fate/Zero _(which was a custom build made specifically for her, I believe), then imagine that happening a few miles up in the air. Add in the fact that she's kinda got a lot to deal with already in this particular situation, and... yeah. I figure she might have used it in small ways to help her maneuver and brake and such, but Tom probably wouldn't have noticed that._


	35. III:8

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.8

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 8, afternoon**

"We do what we came here to do," Saber says. She emerges from the plane, all signs of fear or anxiety banished from her face. "We find Shirou and Rin."

"Right, but where do we start?" Archer studies the tower. "In case you haven't noticed, this place's a little bigger than it was on Monday."

"On it," Lancer says. "Just a mo."

He hunkers down over a stone tile the plane knocked loose from the ground. With the tip of his spear, he traces a symbol that looks a bit like - but not quite - the letter B on the rock. The tile floats up from the ground, glowing with green light, then rockets off across the courtyard. Lancer whistles absentmindedly. The stone halts and hovers a few meters ahead of us.

"There," he says cheerfully. "We follow that, it'll bring us to Little Red, straight as ya please."

"You know rune magic, Lancer?" Saber raises her eyebrows, clearly impressed. "Then - what about Shirou?"

"Hold yer horses, woman. I'm gettin' to it." Lancer turns to a stray chunk of airplane fuselage and repeats the process. The new rune rises from the ground and joins the other one. "There, one fer your fella. Looks like they're both in the same direction right now."

"Not bad," Archer concedes.

"Oh ho, is tha' a compliment, Archer?" Lancer grins. "And here I thought the age of miracles was dead and buri -"

He freezes and cocks his head, as if he's trying to hear something.

"... what's wrong?" I ask.

Lancer suddenly _flickers,_ like the channel being changed on a bad TV. Disoriented, he stumbles back before catching himself with his spear.

"Lancer!" Saber reaches out to him.

"Stay back! I have this!" Lancer waves her off and seems to focus. A blue aura collects around him. "Oh no you don't," he mutters through clenched teeth. "Don't ya play with me, ya scrubber. That won't end well fer -"

He vanishes in a burst of white static.

"Heh." Archer smirks. "Loser."

Then _he_ flickers too. Archer just looks at us and sighs. "Yeah, okay. Really should've seen that coming."

With that, he disappears as well.

Saber and I stare at each other. A few seconds pass. Nothing seems to happen to either of us.

"What the fuck?" I finally croak.

"I'm not certain." Saber glances around. "It looked like they were transported against their will. By something powerful enough to overcome their Magic Resistance, no less..."

"That sounds... not good."

"It is not." She looks at the runes, still floating in front of us. "We'd best continue while we can. Lancer and Archer couldn't have gone far. Hopefully, they'll catch up with us..."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay." _Involuntary_ party split. That's a new one on me.

 **⇒ some ol' bullshit is what that is**

Preach. Nervously, I follow behind Saber as the runes lead us on.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Whoever did the renovations on this place (not that I'm not like 90% sure at this point that said person's name rhymes with _blaster_ ), I can't say I care much for their design sense. We follow the runes down long corridors of traditional Japanese paper walls and tatami mats, broken up at random intervals by Western-style brickwork and gaudy Rococo plaster. The only consistent feature seems to be these weird full-length glass panels set into the walls every few meters or so. They don't look like mirrors, and I can't see anything through them. They're just... dark, like windows into nothing.

Otherwise, stuff I recognize from the von Einzbern place is strewn about willy-nilly - here a marble bust, there a leather-bound chair. At one point, we come across a full suit of plate armor, posed at attention inside an open closet. Saber immediately draws her sword and slashes it in half. I look at her and raise an eyebrow.

"Before it comes to life and attacks." Saber replaces the blade on her side. "I'm in no mood for games."

I nod approvingly. "Nice."

We continue onwards.

After what feels like a kilometer or more of empty hallways, we reach this vast dark chamber. It's here that the runes abruptly diverge paths. One suddenly rockets off into the blackness and vanishes, while the other heads towards a marble staircase directly opposite the room's entrance.

I glance at Saber. "So now what?"

She doesn't answer. Instead, she just stares off into the dark, her eyes narrowed.

Then she grabs me and flings us both to the side. " _Down!_ " Two energy blasts rocket out of the dark and slam into the wall behind us. Wait... I know that sound...

Rising into a crouch, Saber draws her blade and dispels the invisible sheath. Excalibur casts a pale gold glow, barely enough to illuminate half of the room. (Damn, this place is big.) It is, however, enough to help me notice the light switch on the wall next to us. I stumble to my feet and flip it.

A handful of bare incandescent bulbs flicker to life on the ceiling. I find myself looking at what might've been the temple's main hall prior to a significant expansion. While the walls around the room are stone, the floors and roof are all hardwood, as are the thick support pillars running between them.

Rin stands on the far side of the hall from us, both arms pointed in our direction. She stares blankly through this pair of mirrored steampunkish goggles. And she... um... well...

 **⇒ what**

She's... wearing a maid outfit. Black and white, with the apron and the short skirt and even that frilly bonnet thingy. The dress is... um... flattering on her, let's say? Looks a bit tight, in fact...

 **⇒ oh ffs**

I know, I know, focus. Especially since she's firing at us again. I reflexively duck. Saber holds up her hand. This wall of moving air springs up around us. The _Gandr_ blasts ram into it and vanish. Huh. Didn't know she could do that.

"So," I say loudly over the sound of the wind rushing around us, " _she's_ obviously being controlled or brainwashed or something."

"Mmh." Saber's eyes scan across the room.

"How we gonna snap her out of it? Get the goggles off her, maybe?" Another salvo of blasts rebound off the wind wall.

"That's not our only problem. Look." Saber points towards the staircase.

"Shit." The other rune - the one keyed to Shirou - is moving on without us. I see its glow vanish around a corner further up the stairs.

"... no choice, then." Saber shifts her jaw. "You go after it. I'll handle Rin. Find Shirou if you can. If you run into any trouble, hide or return here. Got it?"

"Got it." I'm not going to even try and second-guess her. Saber knows what's she doing.

"Head for the staircase on three. I'll cover you." She changes her grip on her sword. "Three - two -"

She drops the wall. I run for it. A gem comes hurdling at us. Saber bats it away into the wall, where it goes off like a grenade, then intercepts two more blasts headed in my direction.

I jump up the first few stairs, then risk one last glance back. I see Saber rush across the room at Rin, who frigging _cartwheels_ out of the way, that short skirt whipping around her thighs...

... damn.

 **⇒ bluh**  
 **⇒ since when do you have a meido fetish anyway**

I _don't._ Or, well... at least, I didn't up until now. Learning new things about myself, I guess?

 **⇒ facepalm_gif**

Anyway, right, Shirou. I sprint up the stairs two at a time.

* * *

 **⇒ skip forward**

Looks like the staircase finally leads up into the tower. I find myself going up floor after floor. The decor up here seems pretty much unchanged from how things looked inside the von Einzbern place - with the exception of those dark glass panes on the walls that I mentioned before. They're a lot thicker up here too, spaced just a few centimeters apart from each other.

The rune is moving way too goddamn fast. I can barely keep it in sight, and I'm moving as fast as I can. I feel my lungs scream for mercy as I reach the top of the latest staircase, just in time to see the green glow shoot down another short hallway and whip around a corner.

Then I freeze in place, because I hear a voice nearby. Coming from the same direction the rune went.

What do I do? Do I run back and tell Saber, or... ?

 **⇒ hm**  
 **⇒ at least see who it is first maybe**

... yeah. Yeah, okay. I carefully creep my way down the hall. As I get closer, I make out what the voice is saying:

" _He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me... he loves me not..._ "

I reach the end and peek around the corner.

I find myself looking into a large, marble-floored room, the walls lined with dark glass. At the center of the room, there's a crystal bench set on a raised dais. A figure dressed in a white robe and hood sits on top of it, next to a pile of assorted flowers. Delicate fingers pick the petals off of an orange lily, one by one.

" _He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me._ " The last petal drifts away through the air. She makes a fart sound with her mouth. "I need better flowers...

"Oh, it's you," Caster says, without raising or turning her head. "You're the funny, talky one."

So much for that Hide check. Run now?

 **⇒ is there a point**  
 **⇒ she can just stop you with those invisible thread things if she wants**

Fuck, you're right. And besides... if she's actually willing to talk some... this may be our one chance to get some damn answers here.

I step out from behind the corner, my hands raised. "Uh, yep, that's me. The funny, talky, completely harmless one."

She turns and smiles. Maybe it's just the light, but Caster's skin looks a lot paler than it did on Monday. Her hair, by contrast, is way darker, not to mention sort of frazzled and sticking up in places. And her eyes...

Her eyes are pure black. Sclera, iris, everything. Like looking into midnight.

 **⇒ shit**  
 **⇒ she's gone full sadako**

Oh, so _now_ you want to run?! I swallow and try to keep a straight face. "You've... um... changed up your look, I see."

"Uh-huh."

"Seems like you've changed up a lot of things lately." I hesitantly take a step or two into the room.

"Mmh." She rocks back and forth in place.

"Any particular reason why?" I don't see any sign of the rune in here. There's two other exits, though. Did it move on without me?

"I dunno." She shrugs. "It's mostly 'cuz of my aunt, I guess."

I blink. "Your... aunt?"

"Uh-huh." Caster nods. "I just remembered a bunch of stuff she told me a really long time ago. _'Your secrets are your power, never reveal them.'_ _'Only the weak are not lonely.'_ _'Sailors are all pigs, but they make the best lovers.'_

"It all just seems so silly now, you know? _Especially_ the secrets part. It's like... you ever notice how much time adults spend lying to each other? Lying and making excuses an' holding stuff back. And what's the point? I mean, why even be a grown-up if all you're gonna do is hide from other people?...

"So..." She waves her hands vaguely at our surroundings. "No more hiding. No more secrets."

"Um, yeah," I cautiously agree. "Mission definitely accomplished there, I'd say."

"And the other part's the stories." She twists around and faces me, cross-legged on top of the bench. "They always get it wrong, you know?"

"Who does?"

"People. Poets. Playwriters." She shakes her head. "They say I burned kids, but I didn't. _I'm_ the one who burned - or they kept trying to burn me, anyway. And the other thing - they never let me have a happy ending! They'll make up one for everyone else, but not for me!"

"That sucks."

"I _know!_ But that's just how it is." She picks up a discarded flower stem and sullenly twirls it back and forth in her fingers. "No happy endings for big brother. No happy endings for Lily..."

I don't have any idea how to respond to that. Or to any of this, really. "Um..."

"But those are just the rules, y'know? Witches don't get happy endings." She tosses the stem away with a sigh. "And I _wasn't_ one. I didn't never want to _be_ one. But they called me it so many times, I thought I better figure out how to be good at it."

She tilts her head at a puzzled angle. "But _then_ I thought, what do witches even do? I didn't know. Poison princesses? Live in the woods? Fly on broomsticks!" She snaps her fingers. "But I couldn't find one. So I made the house fly instead. And then I made it into a castle 'cause I wanted one."

She leans towards me conspiratorially and whispers, as if sharing a huge secret: "I wanted it to be an _ice cream_ castle, too. But the walls kept melting."

"Oh." I blink. "I'm... sorry to hear that. That's disappointing."

"I _know!_ " She sits back and grins happily. "Bored. I'm gonna watch teevee now."

Caster gets up and skips across the room, humming under her breath. Okay... I don't need to talk about how wrong all this feels, right? It's so obvious it's painful.

 **⇒ i dunno**  
 **⇒ she actually seems kinda sweet**

That's just it, though! The woman I talked to on Monday? She _wasn't sweet._ At all!

Caster goes over to an object in the room I didn't notice before - an old-fashioned CRT television sitting on a wooden cart against the wall. The rabbit ears are all bent, the power cord's been shredded, and going by the open hole in the side, it looks like most of its guts have been ripped out. I start to say, "I don't know if -"

She twists the dial. Black-and-white static explodes onto the screen. Shows what I know, I guess.

Caster sits down cross-legged on the floor in front of the screen. "I hate teevee," she explains cheerfully. "Especially Disney. The monks had a bunch on tape. I've watched them all twice. Except _Sleeping Beauty_ and _Cinderella._ Those I've watched three times."

"Impressive." I wander over and stand a few paces behind her.

She holds up what I'm fairly certain is a pocket calculator and changes the channel. I watch as she flips through a few emergency broadcasts.

 **⇒ btw remember what brought you here**

What, you mean, Shirou? I know, I know...

 **⇒ well yeah that**  
 **⇒ but also**  
 **⇒ remember the club**

The club?... oh. OH. Shit, you're right. If she's really serious about the whole not-keeping-secrets thing...

I hesitate, then go over and crouch down next to her. "Hey, um... can I ask you something?"

"Huh?" Caster looks up at me, slack-jawed.

"So... let's say you had to fight this guy who's a _really_ strong teleporter," I say. "He can, like, open up portals everywhere, and store stuff inside of them, and launch this huge amount of weapons everywhere -"

"The Gate of Babylon," she rattles off as if reading from a book. "Noble Phantasm of Gilgameš _Shūtur-eli-sharrī_ , the King of Heroes."

"... yeah, kinda like that." I shift my jaw. "So how would you stop him? Is there, like, a particular spell you could use to shut him down or something?"

"Nah."

I blink. "Huh?"

"Can't do it." Caster shrugs. "It's a work of the ancient gods, sealed at the dawn of time and baked in the heat of the first stars. Even Zeus couldn'ta messed with that. So I _really_ can't."

... that makes no sense. Is she lying? Did she notice something in the club? Some kind of hack or weakness or -

"... but I could maybe make him _think_ I can. For a little while, anyway."

That throws me. "W-what do you mean?"

" _Lôdix agnoíain,_ the blanket of ignorance." Caster sticks out her tongue a little as she thinks. "It's like... every time he opens a portal, I put up an illusion that hides it. Wouldn't last too long. He'd know as soon as he tried teleporting himself or, like, someone in front of him." She shrugs again. "I dunno. Something like that, I guess. _'The essence of all magic is illusion.'_ That's another thing auntie said."

... are you fucking kidding me.

So... that entire time Caster was strutting through Gilgamesh's club like she owned the place... about to play steal-yo-girl right from under his damn nose... _she was bluffing?!_

 **⇒ sounds that way**

... okay. Not gonna pretend I'm not mad we came all this way just to find out about a _literal_ magic trick... but that's still kind of awesome.

 **⇒ yup**

"... cool. Thanks." I cough and stand back up, mostly just to hide my frustration. She turns back to the TV.

That's when I finally catch sight of the rune. The chunk of metal inscribed with the not-actually-a-B lies dead on the ground beneath the TV cart. Does that mean Shirou's in here somewhere? I glance around the room in what hopefully seems like a casual manner.

Sound blares out of the television. I look at the screen and see:

 _Lancer slams into the wall painfully with a loud grunt. He's bleeding from a large slash on his left shoulder. Next to him, Archer wheels and throws one of his knives. There's a flash, and the blade clatters uselessly against the far wall._

 _Somewhere, an unfamiliar voice giggles. It's not a pleasant sound._

 _Cut to a wide shot. Lancer and Archer stand inside of a circular room, stone-walled with no windows. The only visible exit is the temple gate, positioned against the far wall from them, its doors bound in thick chains._

 _Lancer stumbles upright. "Bloody phantom...," he mumbles._

 _"You," Archer growls, his narrowed eyes scanning the room. "You're not just shifting back and forth into your spiritual form. How are you doing that?"_

 _"Oh-ho-ho, that?!" the voice roars. "That's SIMPLE! That's so very very VERY fuckin' simple!"_

 _A man appears out of thin air on top of the temple gate, a wide maniac grin on his scarred face. The only clothing he wears is a ragged pair of hemp_ hakama _trousers. His unkempt hair runs down to his waist. The tattoos on his bare chest seem to shift and morph with the changing light. He sports a pair of handaxes tied to either hip, and carries a strange hooked pike over one shoulder._

(- hold on, I've seen that weapon before. What was it called, the thing firemen used to use to pull down roofs... a _kama-yari,_ I think? Yeah. That seems right.)

 _"You see, I," he says, twirling the_ kama-yari _over his head, "do not exist! Maybe existed?_ Could've _existed. Heh, who cares, who cares, not me._

 _"And what was I?" he continues with a leer. "A bandit? A beggar? A farmer who took the wrong path home one night? Who gives a shit? Because there's one constant, one god, one thing that's always the same..."_

 _He vanishes and reappears in an eyeblink, flying towards Archer with an axe in each hand, a look of crazed euphoria on his face._

 _"SHOW ME YOUR BLOOD!"_

Yikes. Okay, then. I glance at Caster. "Who's that?"

"Assassin." She plays with her lip indifferently.

... this is the super-honorable swordsman Saber mentioned? Can't say I'm seeing it.

"He doesn't even need that gate around anymore, you know that?" Caster remarks as Assassin and Archer exchange blows. "He just thinks it looks cool."

 _"Wawawawait." Assassin flash-steps back over to the gate. "I just realized something. This is too fair. I think I hate that. I dislike it. I don't care. Fix it anyway though, fix it."_

 _He bangs his pike a few times into the door. "HEY, FATASS! GET THE HELL OUT HERE, YOU LAZY BASTARD! WE GOT THINGS TO CUT!"_

 _There's a rumble. Something strikes the back of the gate's door with the force of an eight-wheel truck._

 _"Well." Lancer brandishes his spear, a weary smile on his face. "'Bout time tings finally got interesting here." Archer's face tightens as another pair of knives materialize in his hands._

 _The next blow shatters the chains and throws the gate open. The thing that charges out on all fours looks less like a man and more like a mass of exposed muscle, lacking eyes and ears and even a nose. It roars out a senseless challenge as it blindly dashes forward, an uncontrolled whirlwind of pure strength..._

"Wait - is that _Berserker?!_ " I look at Caster in disbelief. "I thought you hated him!"

"Mmm... maybe a little, I guess?" She shrugs. "Mostly, I just realized I kinda missed having him around." She watches as Assassin rides on Berserker's back, gleefully swinging the _kama-yari_ around like a polo player on meth. "So they're having fun. That's good." She yawns and changes the channel.

"Hey...," I say weakly. How did she get Berserker working for her? And what the hell happened to him?

Caster squeals and bolts upright. " _Eeeeeeeee this is it this is it!_ I knew it was here somewhere!" She stares into the screen, completely enraptured.

Her head blocks my view of the TV. I step to the side and see:

 _Rin aims a palm strike at Saber's face, the Magic Circuits on her arm at full power. The Servant blocks the blow and counters with a knee to the stomach. Rin dodges and, falling back a pace or two, fires a_ Gandr _blast._

 _(The room around them is a complete mess at this point. The walls are pockmarked with craters and fist-prints. Most of the support columns have been shattered or cleaved into pieces. Clearly, this has been going on for quite some time.)_

 _Saber knocks the blast away with her sword and charges, slicing down at Rin's legs. The girl leaps over the blade and backflips over her opponent, intending to land on the Servant's blind side -_

 _\- but Saber's ready for that, too. In a single motion, she sidesteps and slashes up at the back of Rin's head, her aim so precise she doesn't even break the skin. She cuts only what she targets: the leather strap holding the mirrored goggles on._

 _Rin lands and stumbles. The goggles go flying. Saber drops the sword and cups the girl's face with both hands. "RIN!"_

 _The mage freezes in place. Without the goggles, her eyes are visible. They're completely black, iris and all, containing no hint of light or emotion._

 _"I_ know _you," Saber growls, staring Rin straight in the eye with an almost magnetic intensity. "You're stronger than this. Whatever this curse is, you can beat it. I know you can. The heir of the Tohsaka family is no one's puppet."_

(Caster giggles and rocks back and forth, blushing furiously.)

 _Saber pauses. Her face softens. "... you've spent your whole life living in your father's shadow, haven't you? Trying to be as cold and terrible as he taught you to be. You still haven't realized... you're already better than Tokiomi ever was. And not in spite of that heart you work so hard to hide._ Because _of it."_

(I shift my feet uncomfortably. Um. Should... I be watching this?

 **⇒ probably not**  
 **⇒ too late now tho**

Yeah, I figured...)

 _Rin's hands fall limply to her sides._

 _"Fight it, Rin..." Saber strokes her cheek affectionately with her thumb. "Remember who you are and fight. Remember your pride. Remember your fire. Come back to us. Come back to_ me." _An odd expression, somewhere between surprise and consternation, flickers across her face before she regains her composure._

(Okay, I definitely should not be watching this.)

 _Rin's lips move, but no sound comes out._

 _"What?" Saber leans her ear in. "Tell me what you need."_

 _"... run," Rin whispers. Her jaw drops open. A pitch-black substance floods out of her mouth and down her chin._

 _Paper-thin tendrils explode out of ground and envelop them. The wooden floor beneath their feet shatters and collapses, tipping them both into what lies beneath -_ the monastery lake.

And all at once, I get it. Including something really, incredibly, insanely obvious I should have spotted from a million miles away. Rider's message - she didn't mean 景 or "vista" or "scene" or any of that.

She was trying to write 影. "Shadow."

* * *

 _AUTHOR'S NOTES_

 _I'm curious. Show of hands - who saw this coming?_


	36. III:9

Fate/first order derivative  
Part III.9

 **⇒ continue: iteration 29, day 8, afternoon**

Everything clicks together in my head all at once. I stand there frozen as Caster - or at least someone who looks like her - squeals and starts rolling around on the floor gleefully. " _I got her I got her I got her eeeeeeeeeee!_ "

On the television screen, the entire floor of the main hall collapses into the lake as the shadow's tendrils rip the woodwork into shreds. There's a bright flash of light, and the screen cuts out to static. It was a trap. The entire room, Rin included.

I turn and stare at the madwoman as she lies giggling on the floor. "You... I told you about the shadow in the lake on Monday. You went to go find it, didn't you?"

She snickers and sits up. "Dumb Lilyhead. Kept wondering why her puppets didn't come back. So she went to check herself."

"It ate you and Assassin."

She nods. "Went inside, went inside. Talked to him. After that, everything just made so much more _sense._ "

 **⇒ him?**

On it. "Him?" I ask - actually, I forget. What did we decide we were going to call this, uh, type? Not-Caster? Anti-Caster? Something like that?

 **⇒ how about alt-caster**

What, like alt-rock? Fine, whatever, works for me. "Him who?" I ask Alt-Caster.

"Oh, come on. You know. _Him._ " She puts her arms around her knees and starts to rock back and forth, a big empty grin on her face. "The _pharmakos?_ The blessed-and-cursed, the sacred corruption, the eater of sins. The spark of darkness, the lowest-made-high. The healing sickness. _Katharma,_ _perikathairō,_ _peripsēma._ He crawls towards Bethlehem, waiting to be born -"

"Okay, okay. I get it. _That_ guy," I interrupt, since this doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. "So you talked to him. Then, what... you tricked Berserker into getting eaten by the shadow, too?"

"Oh, no." She looks a little insulted. "Nothing like that. I just asked and he went."

I raise an eyebrow. "And that _worked?_ "

"Well, okay." Alt-Caster shrugs. "I guess I _did_ help that I had this." She snaps her fingers.

One of the glass panels behind her lights up. I find myself looking into a large tank. Inside of it, in some kind of brackish water, floats Illya. She is unconscious, naked - a fact that I very much do _not_ appreciate at all, thank you... and also missing all four of her limbs.

 **⇒ fuck**

I quickly avert my eyes. Am... am I really seeing this?

 **⇒ afraid so**  
 **⇒ stay calm and keep her talking**

I'll try. Alt-Caster jumps to her feet. "And, y'know, I was _really_ hoping things with Saber were gonna be that simple too. Just - _poof!_ Just use a Command Seal to summon her straight up."

She points. Another panel nearby the TV cart lights up. And there's Shirou, of course - naked, unconscious, limbless, except for the arm with his Command Seals on it.

"But he only had one left, so I couldn't. But _then_ I realized - if I just left _you_ down there with her, _you'd_ be smart enough to find a way to bring her up here to me! And you did!" She beams at me with genuine gratitude. "And now I get to play with her too!"

I feel sick. "... why Saber, though? What do you need her for?"

Alt-Caster giggles. "She's just so _cool,_ you know? And besides... what girl doesn't want to get swept off her feet by a knight in shining armor?" She pauses and tilts her head. "Well, okay... _Master's_ my knight in shining armor. But you get two knights when you play chess, don't you? So why can't I?

"You wanna meet him?" I guess she takes my stunned silence for a yes, because she skips over to the glass bench in the room's center. I swallow and reluctantly follow her. The bench - no, glass coffin, really - lights up as I peer inside.

It's Kuzuki. In the same state as Illya.

"You know, when I went to him with the knife, he only said one thing?" Alt-Caster sits down next to the coffin. "He just asked me if it would help me. When I said yes, he didn't even try to fight. He just let me do it." She rests her head dreamily on the glass, just over Kuzuki's limbless torso. "That's why I hate him most of all."

 **⇒ jesus**

I take an unsteady step back. "So... uh. What about Assassin's Master? They in here too somewhere?"

"Huh?" She raises her head. "Oh, I didn't say? _I'm_ Assassin's Master."

I blink. "You can _do_ that?"

"Shhhh." She smiles mischievously and puts a finger to her lips. "I cheated. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Sure," I say faintly. Unfortunately, that leaves me with only one question I can think of. It's the one I really don't want to ask. "So... all these glass things around. Are all of them, uh... _occupied?_ "

"Most," Alt-Caster says matter-of-factly. "I keep havin' to add more. There's a lot to fit in, you know? The monks, the maids, all the people from town..."

Even though I'm expecting it, I feel a shiver go down my spine. "Why... why would you do that."

"What do you think, silly? Safety!" She looks at me like that's the most obvious conclusion in the world. "If I take too much of their mana, it could kill them, right? This way, they won't fall or move too much or whatever."

 **⇒ ask her what happens if they're removed from the tubes**

"Could you maybe... let them out at some point?" I ask weakly.

"Nope!" she says, far too cheerfully.

"Can't or won't?"

"Both! They die if I do that!" She shrugs again. "And anyway, I need their mana. Without that, this place wouldn't be able to float no more. And _then_ everyone wouldn't get to live in a flying castle." Going by her expression, she seems to consider this a perfectly reasonable trade-off for being a comatose quadruple amputee.

I swallow again. "... don't suppose you've given any thought to quality of life issues here, have you?"

"Huh?" Alt-Caster gives me a blank look. "What's that?"

"That's kinda what I figured."

 **⇒ yeah okay**  
 **⇒ might be time to try and find an excuse for a graceful exit here**

When all else fails, go with the classics. "... hey, um, is there a bathroom around here somewhere? If that's okay with you, I mean."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that."

I do not like the sound of that. I carefully take another step back. "... why?"

"The stuff inside the tubes takes care of all that for you," Alt-Caster says casually. "In fact, if you really need to go... guess it's probably about time anyway."

She waves her hand. Five of her mouth-headed skeleton puppets spring up out of the floor. They're a bit different from the ones I've seen before. First, their left arm ends in what looks like a large hacksaw made from bone, while the fingers on their right hand resemble scalpels. Second, they're all dressed in nurse outfits - as in the fetish-y costumes they sell online, not scrubs or whatever. Neither change strikes me as much of an improvement.

 **⇒ shit**

Oh, fuck no. I retreat a few more steps back. "Can't we talk about this?" I plead.

"Eh, I'm bored with that now. And my throat is starting to do that thing where it gets all scratchy, you know?" Alt-Caster smiles and waves. "But thanks for the conversation, Mr. Talky! Don't worry - I saved you one of the _nice_ tubes."

The nurse skeletons surge towards me.

 **⇒ nope**

 _Nope!_ Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope! I finally give into instinct and bolt for the exit.

* * *

I make it down to one floor before I run into another skeleton squad sweeping their way up the stairs. Nowhere to go.

I rush down a hallway and pick a door at random. I wind up inside what looks like a big messy playroom. At the center lies this absolutely gigantic pile of stuffed animals even taller than I am. No time to think. I dive into the pile and worm my way inwards.

I hear the door creak open. I hold my breath. They file in one by one, bony heels crushing stray Legos. I hear them spread throughout the room, all around the pile.

Then they just stop. And wait.

 _Don't breathe don't move don't breathe._ Do I even need to say how much I don't want this to happen?!

 **⇒ nope**

I mean - fuck, losing a _hand_ was bad enough! And now all four limbs?! And what happens if I don't reset when it happens?! What if I'm just... stuck there? In a jar? _Forever?!_

 **⇒ i know**  
 **⇒ just hold in there**

Hold in there for _what?!_ Saber and Rin are gone! Shirou's... God, I can only _hope_ he's comatose. Fuck only knows where Lancer and Archer are. The military's stuck outside. Don't have a weapon. No cyanide pills or poison teeth.

Just what the fuck am I supposed to do?!

 **⇒ hope**

How?! For _what?!_

I see light as a hand shifts away the big teddy bear in front of my face. A maw of bone stares down at me, its jaws open wide.

There's a blur in the air. The skeleton collapses into ash.

Archer stands in front of me, blades in hand, looking utterly exhausted. He bears a nasty-looking spear wound in his side, the bloodstains blending into his red coat.

I nearly start to cry from sheer relief. Thank God. Thank _fucking_ God.

He looks down at me. "Saber?"

I shake my head. "Where's Lancer?"

"He's not coming," Archer says grimly. "And Rin's gone."

"Yeah."

"Come on." He reaches in and grabs me by the back of the neck, plucking me straight out of the pile -

ZZRRRP

* * *

 **⇒ download complete**

 _I haul Lancer back up to his feet. "Come on," I mutter. "While we've got an opening."_

 _Lancer coughs up some blood. I imagine that has something to do with the two handaxes embedded in his chest. Nearby, Assassin Alter's body slowly begins to dissolve into mist. Lancer finally figured out a way past that phasing/temporary non-existence bullshit: he deliberately let Assassin's attack hit him, then blasted him with his Noble Phantasm at point-blank range. Not exactly an ideal solution, but hey, it worked._

 _Which just leaves us with one large problem. On the other side of the room, Berserker Alter feels his way down the wall towards the open gate. Four lives. That's all I could manage before the mana supply from Rin cut out._

 _"Hold on there, chancer." Lancer pushes me off, leaning on his spear. "Back a bit. I got one last trick ta play."_

 _I step back, eying Berserker carefully - he might not have ears, but I think he can still feel vibrations through the air. Lancer traces a few runes onto the ground. A huge standing stone - a_ menhir _\- sprouts up from the ground. Vines wrap around Lancer and pull him to the rock, binding him upright._

 _"The hell is that supposed to do?" I hiss._

 _"Simple," Lancer whispers. "Keeps me on my feet. Long as I'm standing, I won't die. Not while an enemy still breathes before me. Wouldn't be much of a hero otherwise, would I?"_

 _"But you can't kill him," I counter. "You know that, right?"_

 _"Now yer gettin' it." He nods down at the blades in my hands. "Borrow one of them sewing needles off ya? Could use an extra ting."_

 _I reluctantly pass him Kanshou. "You don't have to do this."_

 _"What, and miss me chance at immortality?" Lancer grins. "On yer bike, Archer. Go find yer girl. And when ya do, tell her I made myself useful, will ya?"_

 _I don't have the heart to tell him the truth. "... thanks."_

 _I make a run for the gate. Seems that Berserker can still sense mana to an extent. He looks in my direction -_

 _"OI, GOBSHITE!" Lancer beans the monster in the head with Kanshou's hilt. (Oh, sure. Go ahead. Use it_ that _way, why don't you. It's not like I've got a limited supply of mana left and might not be able to make another one or anything.) "ARE YE STARTIN'?! I AIN'T GOT ALL DAY!"_

 _Berserker roars and charges the tall stone. I pass through the gate and rush up the staircase I find there. Not that I have any clue what I'm heading_ towards... _now that Rin's dead -_

"- genuinely do hate you, you know that? I mean it. You -"

* * *

ZZRRRP

Archer drops me like I'm a live grenade, sending me spilling to the ground, legs only partway out of the stuffed animal pile. I pull my face out of the carpet and look up at him. "Oh, come on. That was _not_ my fault."

He growls in the back of his throat. "Get up. We need to move."

I struggle to my feet and chase him down the steps. At least it's easier sprinting down the stairs than up.

Naturally, though, it doesn't last. As we close in on the base of the tower, I see a red tendril slam into the wall down the steps from us. Followed closely by the shadow itself.

I grab Archer by the coat sleeve. "Fuckfuckshit back upstairs! Back upstairs NOW."

" _Towards_ Caster?!"

"Still better than this shit! Trust me!"

We turn and rush back up as the shadow floods after us. Fortunately, it seems to pause on the third or fourth floor. I risk a glance back and see it head into one of the rooms there. I guess it's taking its time for some reason?

 **⇒ no time don't question it**

As we reach the bottom of the stairs up to the floor that Caster's on, Archer stops us short. He pulls an arrow out from beneath his coat and flings it up at the ceiling. It explodes, producing a shower of rubble. He grabs me beneath the arms and wall-jumps us up through the hole and up to the next level - in other words, past Alt-Caster. Bypassing a boss fight. I can get behind that.

Unfortunately, another three floors up, we find ourselves on the roof of the tower. The only feature up here - aside from the stairs we came up - is a flagpole with a banner bearing the image of a certain super-copyrighted mouse. No sign of any piles of rope or laundry lines or convenient scaffolding. Guess she hasn't gotten around to seeing _Aladdin_ yet. Just my luck.

 **⇒ one jump ahead of the madgirl**

I glance down over the parapet. Long drop. Really long drop. "Think you can get us down?" I ask Archer.

"Uh, maybe? I'm running pretty low on - aw, balls," he says glumly as rune circles pop up in the air all around us. Damn it. Busted.

"Okay, _rude._ " Alt-Caster appears in a flurry of white sparkles, her arms crossed irritably. "Do I come over and blow up pieces of _your_ house?" She points. The circles of death all focus on Archer. He raises the white blade.

"Hey, hey, wait," I say, trying for a distraction. "Aren't you gonna wait until your buddy gets up here? Add another Servant to the collection?"

"Mmmmh..." She tilts her head. "Nah. I don't fancy him. Too surly."

"Oh, well, fuck you too," Archer grumbles.

"See?" Alt-Caster raises her hand. "Buh-bye, Mr. Red...

"... oh." She looks down in dull surprise at the sword point sticking out of her chest.

Behind her stands Saber, her blue dress torn and ragged, her eyes full of silent rage. Her left arm is gone. She holds Excalibur in her right hand, its blade buried in the magician's back.

"Oh." Alt-Caster coughs. Tar-black ichor stains the front of her white robe. "Okay. So this is happening, I guess."

White static surrounds her. Two skeletal dragon wings - fashioned from gold - burst out of her back, pushing Saber out of the way. Alt-Caster leans way forward, giant claws growing from her hands and feet. In a flash, Archer steps in front of her and drives his knife down at the back of her neck. Too late - a golden skull sprouts from out of her head, shattering the blade's tip.

"All the powers of hell an' stuff," Alt-Caster mumbles.

 **⇒ oh i get it**  
 **⇒ she's pulling a maleficent**

Where Alt-Caster stood, a golden dracolich, even larger than the ones we encountered on the way here, unfurls itself and roars. With a swipe of its wings, it takes to the air, knocking the flagpole aside.

I rush over to the Servants. Archer's bow appears in his hands. He pelts the dracolich with arrows as it wheels around back towards us. The beast seems to pass through the explosions without a scratch. It dives towards us, strange energy crackling in its open mouth.

" _MOVE!_ " Saber grabs me with her one arm and retreats down the stairs. A beam of light bursts out from between the dracolich's jaws and immolates the entire rooftop in green flames.

* * *

The next thing I know, we're all crouched down next to the stairs on the floor below the rooftop, Archer included. He looks up at the ceiling as the dracolich passes over us with a roar.

Saber looks to me. "Where's Shirou?"

"You don't wanna know," I say hollowly. "I saw what happened downstairs. How'd you get away?"

"Rin." Saber looks away. "She detonated one of her gems after we hit the water. The blast gave me just enough room to get clear... mostly." She glances at her missing arm. "That... thing is still hunting for me, I think. I tried to lead it away and double back, but..."

"We saw it downstairs. Looked like it was headed up here."

She sighs. "Of course it is."

Another blast of flame rushes down the staircase over our heads and scorches the wall. As it clears, Archer pops up and fires a shot off as the dracolich swings by again.

"You got anything left, Saber?" Archer asks as he crouches back down. "I'm running on fumes here."

"Just one." Saber looks at Excalibur. "I may have enough mana left to use my Noble Phantasm. But there's a problem."

"You don't say."

"I believe I will be able to trigger the attack in my current state," Saber rasps. "But without two hands, I won't be able to _direct_ it. The sword will annihilate everything in the surrounding area. Including us."

"So... Excalibomb?" I say. She nods.

I run through the numbers in my head. City's likely been evacuated by now. We're exhausted, injured, and stuck between two monsters. Lancer's on his way out. Rin's dead. Shirou and everyone else on board would likely _wish_ they were dead, if they could... anything to add?

 **⇒ can't think of anything**

"... yeah," I say. "Yeah, I think we're at that point."

Another fireball rockets down the stairs. "If you're gonna do it, Saber, you better do it now." Archer notches three more arrows on his bow. "This trap could close on us any second now."

"I will need some time." Saber staggers to her feet. She steps back away from me and plants the sword into the ground before her. "Cover me as long as you can, Archer."

"I'm in no position to make promises."

The side of Saber's mouth twitches wryly. "Fantastic."

She pauses. The not-quite-a-smile fades. "... there is something else I must say."

"What?" Since I can't do anything useful right now, I might as well supply the leading questions.

"I believe there should be no secrets between allies about to die together," Saber says. "As such, honor compels me to -"

"You _do_ realize that one of us gets to walk away from this, right?" Archer shifts his eyes towards me.

I shrug. "I mean... he's right."

"All the same, I -"

I hear a loud crash as the dracolich lands on the roof above us and tries to shove one of its claws - is that the right word? What do dragons have, anyway? Feet? Paws? - down the stairwell. Unfortunately, the entrance is just a little too small for it. Archer peppers it with arrows until it gives up and takes off again.

"All the same," Saber continues, "there is one final issue I must address.

"Archer. Why have you been trying to kill Shirou?"

"Whaaat?" I grin. Then I notice the five-megaton glare she's got fixed on Archer and I stop. "C'mon, Saber. What are you talking about? There's no way he'd -"

"Really, Saber." Archer just sounds tired. "Is now _really_ the best time for this?"

"Now is the _only_ time for this," Saber growls. "Will you give me your answer directly? Or do I have to go through it all step by step?"

Archer avoids her gaze. He doesn't say anything.

"Very well." Saber tightens her grip on Excalibur. "What happened Wednesday puzzled me at first, since nothing else in the kitchen seemed to be poisoned. Then I remembered that mana surge the night before. That was you absorbing everything in the fridge _besides_ the bitter melon cola into your Reality Marble, wasn't it? You needed to make sure Shirou brought that exact drink to school the next day, since it was the only thing that could cover up the taste of the poison you planned to add. Some derivative of nightshade, correct?"

"... atropine," Archer mumbles. "S'a drug used to treat nerve gas exposure."

"I thought as much."

A massive jolt shakes the entire tower as the dracolich rams straight into the wall to our side. The stone refuses to buckle, though, and the only thing it accomplishes is to knock some dust loose from the rafters overhead. Solid German engineering, I guess.

I look back and forth between the two of them. They're... they're serious?

"I did not understand Thursday's attack until I saw the 'trick' you used on the wards earlier." Saber's eyes remain fixed on Archer. "That was Tristan's blade, wasn't it? The Sword of Mercy, effective against barriers, but sworn to never again take a life. I realized then you would have seen Assassin's weapon when I challenged him on Monday. I suppose that's all you require in order to fashion a replica, isn't it? It might still have fooled me, had not all of Rider's wounds been made by an axe of some sort."

Archer mumbles something under his breath that I can't hear.

The dracolich lands on the rooftop again. No fire this time, though. Instead, I hear talons scrape against the stonework. I guess it's trying to dig its way through to us now? Great.

"Last night was simple by comparison." Lightning flashes alongside Excalibur's edge. "I didn't sense any magic. My Instinct would have detected any sort of mortar fire or remote attack. The only solution is some sort of modern explosive, planted by someone familiar with both the house and Shirou's habits while we were away. You would have had time to dig _something_ up while Rin was in the hospital. I imagine by that point you must have been getting quite frustrated."

"Oh, you have _no_ idea," Archer growls.

"I suppose I wouldn't."

Excalibur glows brighter. Golden particles begin to drift up through the floor.

"And so I ask you once more, Archer." There's a dangerous edge in Saber's voice now. "Why?"

Archer sighs. "Don't suppose there's any chance I could convince you I was acting under Rin's orders?"

"You could not." Saber narrows her eyes coldly.

Archer sighs. "Yeah... I didn't think so.

"But all right." He suddenly jumps to his feet. They face each other, the golden specks floating in the air between them. "If we're really doing this... how about I put it _this_ way. Remember your _own_ wish for the Grail, Saber? The real one?"

Saber shifts her jaw. "You couldn't possibly know -"

"Oh, trust me. I _do._ " Archer stares her in the eye. "So here's my question... what would you do if you didn't need the Grail to get what you wanted? What if it was possible to take a direct approach?"

"But if you... that would mean..." Saber's eyes go wide. "... oh no..."

I'm lost here. Are you lost here?

 **⇒ i think that's the point**

There's a loud crash from down below. An iron door rockets up the stairs and bounces across the floor into the back corner. I see the flash of a familiar red tendril.

Fuck. Shadow's here.

I leap to my feet. Archer immediately puts an arrow into the roof. It explodes and collapses onto the downwards staircase, filling the entrance with rubble. "We're out of time!" he barks. "Saber -"

"On it!" A vortex of light bursts into existence around Saber and the sword, the air swirling around them like a tornado. " _Soldier's dream!_ " she chants. " _Hope of the oppressed! My friend! - I call upon thy power one last time!_ "

Game plan, game plan, what do I do? Try to get in between Saber and the shadow, I guess? I take two steps in that direction. Then a huge crack in the roof opens up above our heads. The dragon lets out a furious roar. Son of a -

" _Rho Aias!_ " Archer raises his hand. His shield appears over us as the first jet of fire descends. Looks pretty thin in terms of layers, though... he wasn't kidding about being low on juice...

" _With thy name, I seal my final prayer!_ " The aura around Saber intensifies. What's with this in-the-name-of-the-moon crap? She's never had to do that before.

 **⇒ had to guess**  
 **⇒ maybe a password or an unlock code of some sort**  
 **⇒ this is kinda her self-destruct**

I look anxiously down the stairs. I can already see the shadow oozing through the cracks in the rubble.

" _For God, church and country!_ " Saber roars. " _EXCALI_ \- **what?!** "

That can't be right. Wait, why's she looking over here -

Someone grabs me from behind, pale arms folding around my chest.

"... dickweasels," I hear Archer mutter as everything disappears into white static.

Yeah, okay... now that I've heard someone else say it, I really don't think it works.

* * *

The next thing I know, I'm in the sky. Staring down at the city below, my feet dangling over a five-kilometer drop.

"Look, look!" Alt-Caster whispers urgently into my ear. She clutches me to her chest, her white cloak whipping around us. "You're gonna miss it. Any second now -"

She jostles my head in the direction of the island, floating in the distance before us. Just as she does, there's this feeling of _void_ \- a negative pressure, like the universe taking a deep breath...

The tower explodes in a massive cross-shaped burst of gold light, burning the sky with the intensity of a thousand suns. Excalibur rips the entire island into shreds, casting the rubble down onto the skyscrapers below. I hear Alt-Caster laugh with delight as the shockwave washes over us. Like a kid at a fireworks show. It _is_ kinda a neat explosion, I guess.

I swallow as the light fades. "Um, didn't Saber -?" I ask - or at least I try to. I get a couple thousand meters stuck in my throat midway through.

"Oh, just another puppet," she says dreamily. "Another illusion. I told you about illusions, didn't I? Hush, though. It's not over."

The hell does she mean by that? Reluctantly, I look down at the city. At the massive pile of earth and rubble that landed next to the Center Building, all that's left of the island.

I hear a loud, inhuman shriek from below. It starts above my upper hearing register and descends, building in volume.

The shadow erupts from beneath the rubble. It's huge now, comparable in size to the buildings around it, and it's assumed a vaguely humanoid shape. A giant made of night. As I watch, it takes its first step forward.

"You see?" Alt-Caster giggles. "Do you see it now? He can't be stopped. Won't stop. He's been waiting in the dark for so very long, you see? Plotting and planning and making sure everything's just as perfect as he can. For his Bethlehem. He's ready. Ready to be born.

"Wanna know a secret? You wanna hear his name?"

"... okay?" I squeak.

She leans in closer, her breath tickling my ear. " _Aŋra,_ " she whispers. " _MAINIIU._

"Okay, I love you! Buh-bye!" she says cheerfully. And drops me.


End file.
